Clareified

Where does the good go

Getting ready for Oscar…

February 4th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

The Hunger Games

I rewatched this movie because it’s been a year since I’ve seen it and two years since I read the books. It holds up. It’s a good movie, much better than…


The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
This flick was okay, I guess. I’m not a fan of movies without endings –obviously, I know that when you’re dealing with the middle of a trilogy, that’s what you’re going to get. Ugh, and then I 1. just found out they’re splitting Mockingjay into two films AND 2. I read it in the article about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death (he plays(played?) a key figure in the Quarter Quell games.) So, who knows WHAT’s going to happen now. Uh… I mean, condolences to his family. *whistles*


The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
These movies are terrible. The Hobbit was terrible and I don’t just mean the desperate cries for an editor that drowns out the horrific dwarf singing, the “plots” are awful, the ridiculous saves for the stupid elves or hobbits or whatever the hell always swoops in to save them are terrible. Terrible Terrible terrible. I don’t know why I even watched this stupid movie, but I’m going to sum up my review with a line from the horrible film itself: I’m done with dwarves. Go away.


Inside Llewyn Davis
OMG. So, you know how the “open letter” has become the favored literary device of awful internet magazine writers everywhere? Inside Llewyn Davis is so fucking depressing, it’s basically an open suicide note. From the music, to the depressive lead character to the screeching supporting cast — the worst part is that it is seductively depressing. You like Llewyn Davis AND the people who hate Llewyn Davis — anytime the movie introduces optimistic or supportive characters you want to kick them in the nuts and make them eat their fucking cereal bowls. Uh… hypothetically. And since, as is well recorded in this blog, I fucking hate the Coen Brothers (and the rest of their family probably) trust me when I say this movie is great.


Frozen
Mmmm… I read a lot of positive reviews of this movie. A LOT. AND I love what’s her face, Idina Menzel, so I was very excited for this movie. It was supposed to be super girl power-y and a new model for a Disney princess yadayadayada. And the soundtrack outsold the Beyonce itunes album for weeks and weeks. Anyway, you get the picture, my expectations were sky high. My disappointment, directly proportional to that. Booo. I actually booed. There’s like TWO good songs. The plot? Dumb dumb dumb. The resolution? Even dumber. Blargh. Kids will probably like it though. There are cool visual stunts with ice. It’ll win the cartoon Oscar.


Dallas Buyers Club
Jared Leto was amazing as a transvestite gay guy dying of AIDS. He should win the Oscar in his category. Um… this movie was good. It held my attention. The lead character — a shady dude blindsided by an AIDS diagnosis who decides to get drugs from Mexico as an alternative to AZT and then he turns it into a business of selling them to other desperate AIDS patients. He has to stay one step ahead of the FDA and the AIDS doctors. Jennifer Garner is terrible in this — and I usually like her. I don’t think Matthew Ma…umm…mumbles…gh…n…there’s a u…. anyhoo, he shouldn’t win the Oscar for losing weight and being less annoying than he usually is in movies. Cause he was still plenty annoying.


Captain Phillips
Can you spoiler a based on a true story movie? My apologies if you can, but I think it’s important to my review. At the end, the head pirate guy is arrested and read his rights on a ship. Captain Phillips is also brought aboard the same ship and sent to sick bay where his wounds are tended to. If this were a *REAL* action movie, the pirate would have grabbed hold of a gun, killed the arresting marines, Phillips would have heard the scuffle, jumped down from the exam table, gotten a weapon and chased the pirate to the upper deck of the ship, cornered the pirate and then said something like “I’m tired of these motherfucking pirates on these motherfucking ships!” Or “Get off my boat!” And then shot him.
But this was not a real action movie. It was a real…er…action movie. I liked it, but I did spend a lot of time imagining a more Hollywood version of it starring Jason Statham. I’m glad the pirate guy got a nomination, but I hated the lines that were clearly designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel sorry for the poor hard lives of the Somali people. *Eyeroll* GET OFF OF MY BOAT!


August: Osage County
Listen. Meryl Streep is the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streeping. She Meryl Streeps the shit out of this movie. If she doesn’t win the Meryl Streep award where she is Meryl Streeping with cancer, I will… um… be very surprised. The movie is about a bunch of dysfunctional women in a family and the poor hapless men they yell at. I didn’t hate Julia Roberts as much as other people seemed to in reviews I read. But it’s very hard not being Meryl Streep.


Thor: Dark World
Yawn. I’ve about had it up to here *insert hand about neck level* with the MARVEL universe. The plot holes and contrivances in this movie are embarrassing. But that one guy is shirtless a bunch. So…you know. You’ll endure.


American Hustle
This movie terrible. I kind of want to lump this review with the review for


The Wolf of Wall Street
Both these movies have been made over and over again with the actors and ingenues of the moment. American Hustle follows the script of the heavily costumed/wigged trope of a heist of some kind with a double reverse switch of allegiance. And Wolf of Wall street is the well worn path of the con man who believes his own con even as the straight laced cop figure is bearing down. Yawn yawn yawn. Jaysus. How are there no other stories? With other kinds of people. And how is it these same stories keep getting nominated for Oscars when movies like


Fruitvale Station
…which was the best fucking movie I’ve seen in a long time, gets nominated for nothing. This tells the –sorta– story of Oscar Grant who was shot in the back by police, while handcuffed and face down on a BART platform in San Francisco. The movie does sanctify him in ways that made me roll my eyes (he hugs the body of a dying stray dog after its been hit and I added “wwwhhhyyyyyyyyy” and desperate mouth to mouth CPRing to the scene in my head and laughed) but it was such a well done, bare bones movie that told a tragic yet important story that, ugh, seriously, fuck the Oscars with razor blades for not recognizing it or Michael Jordan or the mom — who won an Oscar for the gorram help. UGH! I hate everything.


Her
Blech. This movie was dumb. It’s about a guy who falls in love with his Operating System — AND, hold the phones, HIS OPERATING SYSTEM LOVES HIM TOO! EYE Roll. I guess I won’t say what happens next, but booo. Skip this stoopid stooopid movie. Go watch Fruitvale Station.


The Lone Ranger

Okay, I am not cool with Johnny Depp playing a Native American character. NOT. Like I am unable to can with that casting. However, *insert hanging head and downcast eyes* I actually ended up liking this movie. I know, I suck. I kept hoping they were going to explain that the tribe found this lost little white boy and took him in and he suffered this great trauma and now he doesn’t remember that he was white… I DUNNO something. But there you have it. Apparently I like redface movies. Sigh. I’m the worst.


You’re Next

Elana told me to see this movie after I said that “No laws for one day” movie was a terrible waste of a premise. You’re next was equally bad, if not slightly worse. Um…actually, a lot worse. Because the premise was dumb too. Like I don’t even get what the plan was or why it was executed in this way. Dumb. File this under empty torture pr0n.


Kick-Ass 2
This movie was okay. I don’t really remember the first Kick-Ass and I couldn’t find it streaming anywhere, so I don’t know if the sequel hurts the first one or if it’s a good continuation of the story. But as a stand a lone hero movie, this was fine.


Blue Jasmine

This movie was great. It’s about two sisters, both adopted and how their lives go in two completely different directions, one marries a corporate tycoon and the other marries a blue collar dude, but they both end up sharing a small San Francisco apartment after various misfortunes. The kids are miscast, I think. But I like all the other casting and I like the way the story unfolds. The end is a bit contrived, but overall, thumbs up.


Lee Daniels’ The Butler
Are there tons of “The Butler”s out there that Lee Daniels needed to make sure you knew this one was his? And frankly, this movie sucked pretty hard, so if I were him, I’d try to get it lost in the shuffle so I’d maybe get credit for one of the other ones, none could be worse than this tripe. (Off topic, my mom tried to feed me tripe — the digusting dish of cow’s stomach or sumshit when I was a kid and being the precocious reader that I was, I defiantly asserted: I’m not eating that tripe. LITERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY! Yep, folks, I’ve always been awesome.) Anyway, this movie is a pot of disgusting cow intestines. Skip it. (Though, I did like Oprah’s portrayal of the alcoholic trollop wife.)


Despicable Me 2
This movie was dumb. Another unnecessary sequel. Eyeroll.

Read the whole thing… what? of course there’s more.

GAAAHHH

February 4th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

And now my header disappeared again! *throws all the throwable things*

Grrr arrrgghhh

February 4th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

Spommers are the worst. I’m voting for the first political party to add cyberterrorism to the list of capital offenses. I swear I’ve been trying to revive my blog. But every time I try to post, wordpress is under attack. All hail and gratitude to Mary and her elves for getting me through the worst of it AND letting me know that I can ask my host people to fix things. They’ve been most helpful these past few days. Wow. This might be the least interesting thing I’ve ever written. I think I gotta post some nudes of the True Blood cast to make up for it. smiley face

Technical Difficulties

January 27th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

I had a whole 2014 blog resurgence plan, but WordPress is not cooperating. I try to login, but all I see I a stupid white box and it won’t let me do anything. Cry. 
I’ve got my friends looking into a fix, but may have to hire a wordpress guru and just fix everything wrong with this blog at once. Anyone have any recommendations on how to find one? On a lower lower middle class salary!

Everything’s Coming Up…

December 29th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

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You can’t even really tell from that photo, but baby Rose is THEEE mostest gorgeousest person on the planet. AND this year’s Clareified person of the year.

I want to say it’s because she was born in 2013, but I’m not sure, nobody told me when she was born cause I’m not important and nobody likes me (insert downcast eyes and shuffling feet) so I didn’t find out till my once a year Facebook login and I didn’t get to meet her till around August.

But no matter, she is like the perfectest person!

Totally smart and curious and kind, she didn’t even cry during my whole visit, and babies HATE me! Plus, she’s still little enough that she let me put a Mets cap on her head AND take a picture! (Of course, she then promptly took it off… toldya, smart!)

So, for being the highlight of a cruddy summer and making me laugh with her misadventures on the playmat, Rose is totes magotes the Clareified POTY.

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Happy New Year, everybody! I wish you health, happiness and hope in 2014!

Oh noes

December 13th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

My laptop has a horrible virus that’s killing it and my car is in the shop with a flat tire. The last time these things happened, two of my childhood friends died.

So…sorry. And I’ll miss whichever of youse it is.

Never give up!

December 9th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Yesterday, I was at Dawn 2′s birthday gathering for her 29th, 29th birthday —wait… that’s not right — anyway, so it was Patriots sunday, but I was on the road headed to New Jersey.

Thankfully, I have paid an undisclosed amount of money to be able to watch Patriots games on my phone. Of course, we were losing to the hapless Cleveland Browns, so I wasn’t feeling very thankful. I listened as drive after Patriots drive was stalled by the Browns defense. I heard Rob Gronkowski sustain a leg shattering injury and looked down (at a red light for a milisecond, officer) to see him carted off the field to a standing ovation.
And then the Patriots finally scored a touchdown and opted to go for the two point conversion instead of just kicking the easy PAT. I was annoyed. So I was complaining to Alceste. Then with two minutes left in the game, we’re down by 12. And suddenly, Brady is completing every pass and they score an easy touchdown.

“BAH! WHO CARES AT THIS POINT?!” I whine. STOOPID BROWNS!

“Ooh la di da, now they’re gonna try to get a possession from the on-side kick. The TV stat box says the Patriots haven’t recovered an on-side kick since 1994. I roll my eyes. My eyes, still midroll, do not really see the play. Alceste says the Patriots recover. I think he’s mocking me.

“Shut up.”

“No, really.”

I look at the TV. Play is under review! Sure, enough the Patriots did recover it!

I won’t go into further details, but the Patriots came back to win their third game in a row after trailing at the half.

I feel like the universe is telling me not quit. But I’m going to need to see 7 more Patriots wins like this to really believe it. *whistles*

Dog eats toddler

December 9th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Gets owner charged with murder!

December Movie Reviews

December 2nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.


Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away…so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I’M SOOOO MAD that I can’t watch anything anymore, so I’m taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)


Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.


12 Years a Slave
So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn’t hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.


Gravity
This movie was great. It’s probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It’s a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It’s about americans in space or one woman’s journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded “eh, I likes what I likes.”)


Frank & The Robot
This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It’s about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It’s cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.


New Jack City
HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn’t have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!


Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL’S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn’t get to “remarry and have a kid with some other chick” while his “first wife” is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.

Read the Whole Thing

Interesting read

November 14th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

A whole story about what (mostly) visitors from other countries find surprising about (mostly) America.

(I do believe there’s an entry from Jamie Moreno about Canada and another lady about Toronto. Dude. Two different countries.)

Here it is. My favorite is the one about the country where there’s no such thing as dog food. I think of all the “surprises,” this might be the only one I might be ashamed of… but not even really. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! (What? We pledge allegiance in day care! Whatdya expect?)