Clareified

Those days are gone forever; I should just let 'em go but…

Oh noes

December 13th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

My laptop has a horrible virus that’s killing it and my car is in the shop with a flat tire. The last time these things happened, two of my childhood friends died.

So…sorry. And I’ll miss whichever of youse it is.

Never give up!

December 9th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Yesterday, I was at Dawn 2′s birthday gathering for her 29th, 29th birthday —wait… that’s not right — anyway, so it was Patriots sunday, but I was on the road headed to New Jersey.

Thankfully, I have paid an undisclosed amount of money to be able to watch Patriots games on my phone. Of course, we were losing to the hapless Cleveland Browns, so I wasn’t feeling very thankful. I listened as drive after Patriots drive was stalled by the Browns defense. I heard Rob Gronkowski sustain a leg shattering injury and looked down (at a red light for a milisecond, officer) to see him carted off the field to a standing ovation.
And then the Patriots finally scored a touchdown and opted to go for the two point conversion instead of just kicking the easy PAT. I was annoyed. So I was complaining to Alceste. Then with two minutes left in the game, we’re down by 12. And suddenly, Brady is completing every pass and they score an easy touchdown.

“BAH! WHO CARES AT THIS POINT?!” I whine. STOOPID BROWNS!

“Ooh la di da, now they’re gonna try to get a possession from the on-side kick. The TV stat box says the Patriots haven’t recovered an on-side kick since 1994. I roll my eyes. My eyes, still midroll, do not really see the play. Alceste says the Patriots recover. I think he’s mocking me.

“Shut up.”

“No, really.”

I look at the TV. Play is under review! Sure, enough the Patriots did recover it!

I won’t go into further details, but the Patriots came back to win their third game in a row after trailing at the half.

I feel like the universe is telling me not quit. But I’m going to need to see 7 more Patriots wins like this to really believe it. *whistles*

Dog eats toddler

December 9th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Gets owner charged with murder!

December Movie Reviews

December 2nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.


Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away…so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I’M SOOOO MAD that I can’t watch anything anymore, so I’m taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)


Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.


12 Years a Slave
So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn’t hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.


Gravity
This movie was great. It’s probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It’s a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It’s about americans in space or one woman’s journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded “eh, I likes what I likes.”)


Frank & The Robot
This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It’s about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It’s cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.


New Jack City
HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn’t have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!


Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL’S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn’t get to “remarry and have a kid with some other chick” while his “first wife” is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.

Read the Whole Thing

Interesting read

November 14th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

A whole story about what (mostly) visitors from other countries find surprising about (mostly) America.

(I do believe there’s an entry from Jamie Moreno about Canada and another lady about Toronto. Dude. Two different countries.)

Here it is. My favorite is the one about the country where there’s no such thing as dog food. I think of all the “surprises,” this might be the only one I might be ashamed of… but not even really. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! (What? We pledge allegiance in day care! Whatdya expect?)

Stuff in my head

November 14th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I’m not great about fixing things. And by “not great,” I pretty much mean I’m awful about it. Once a thing stops working, I chuck it in the back of a closet somewhere and buy a new one.

I feel like there might be a story about how my lamp stopped working, so I bought a new one and then when my friend came to assemble the new one, he noticed that the old one wasn’t broken, the bulb had just burned out.

However, I’m only 92% sure that happened, and I’m terrible at math and boy, does that story make me sound like a grade A jabroni, so, let’s say that never happened. (Shut up, Fischel.) (Okay, I might now be 96% sure that happened. *whistles*)

Anyway, so the lamp was absolutely definitely probably not at all broken, and I quickly replaced it. I needed light, it wasn’t giving me any, end of story. Lamp, dumpster; dumpster lamp.

When my transmission went kaput, I bought a new car.

Repairs? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I do admire the handy types though. The ones with a tool box, a light touch and elbow grease. They bring the dead things back to life; they see opportunity in the trash pile.

Moviember

November 1st, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Ugh. Not to be confused with that Movember thing where savages walk around with hairy faces like cave people. Gross. You get running water, electricity and flat screen TVs, in exchange you shave your face. THAT IS CIVILIZATION, PEOPLE!!!

Okay, rant over, movie time!

It’s the holidays and stuff, so I planned to focus on a central theme like horror movies for Halloween or family movies for Thanksgiving. But, like always, I then remembered I’m terrible at plans and/or follow through, so we just watched a bunch of random films. Oh, I did manage to see a Jason Statham movie every Friday. Cause Friday is my shooty movies day because… brain something something. (Sorry, writing these on Friday and words are hard. Not a good day to start NanoMoSomething, but start it I will anyway! Crap. Where was I?) Hmm… can I review the Jason Statham movie I just finished because technically, it was a November movie? Eh, if you don’t tell, I won’t ask. That’s not how that goes.

Sigh.

Hashtag Friday Brain.

Redemption
Jason Statham! Friday. You know what? There wasn’t that much shooting in this one. He plays a rogue British special ops guy who was ambushed in Afghanistan and killed a bunch of civilians in retaliation. Now he’s on the run from MI5 or 6 or Interpol or whatever. He’s hiding as a bum and befriends a runaway girl. But the girl gets taken in by pimps, so then he breaks into an apartment and steals that guys identity and then he becomes a hitman… um, and he makes out with a nun from the homeless shelter. Okay, okay I’m not explaining this right. Jason Statham. There are scenes where he’s shirtless. Moving on.

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds
I liked this movie. I confess I accidentally clicked on it before I saw the Tyler Perry brand and didn’t turn it off when I saw his stupid face cause I figured I hadn’t shat all over a Tyler Perry movie in a while. But hey, it turns out he’s not always a repulsive sexist buffoon. Though, there were sexist buffoonish elements to this movie about a rich man who falls in love with the single mom janitor and quits his job to move to Africa with her. (Seriously, “Africa.” The camera pans on the boarding passes he gives her and it says “Africa 2:00 PM” I laughed.)

Take This Waltz
Okay, this is one of those movies that I can’t in good conscience tell anyone to watch cause, it IS weird… but it’s interesting. At first brush, this movie starring Michelle Williams seems like your typical annoying flighty girl meets boy movie. (“I’m afraid of being afraid” is sample dialogue from the first twenty minutes, during which she pretends to be wheelchair bound AND a tour guide.) And after you watch it, you will want to hunt down @astinto and lock him away in a dark, damp place with fire breathing bees coated in peanut oil as his only company. But, then you suddenly realize the whole movie basically tracks this chick on a love bender and you decide that’s kind of funny. Plus, bonus points for creative use of “video killed the radio star” outside of a trivia context.

Read the whole thing

Why does the New York Times hate Jesus, America and babies?

October 25th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

And fun.

Jets and their fans suck so hard

October 22nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

There is a video circulating of a dude in a Jets jersey punching a Patriots fan in her face. After some searching, the guy was identified and it was discovered he had served time for stabbing a teenager to death.

Anyway, they interview the guy’s mom and she says, not surprisingly, that he was a good boy who got his love of the Jets from his grandmother, who, and this was my FAVORITE part:

made him listen to a recording the Super Bowl III … the only superbowl victory for the Jets.

HAHAHA the last Jets superbowl victory was so long ago there isn’t even video of it!

(RUDE: The Daily News has edited this out of the latest online version of the story. Suspicious. Maybe the guy threatened to punch the reporter in the face.)

BMW drivers get such a bad rep

October 21st, 2013 by Dawn Summers

SHEESH.