Sadly, I was not able to covert him to the ways of Patriots Nation or the congregation of Tom Brady’s hair. We had taken the shuttle to the Eastside from Times Square. New York has painted a bunch of the shuttle cars in Rangers color and pictures, so I was teaching toddler Xander to say “Go Rangers,” and love New York hockey.

Gib was all “I guess there is no reason for him to inherit his parents’ allegiance to the St. Louis Blues…but if you start talking football, the Patriots can be no higher than tenth!” Then he gave me the Robert DiNero “I’m watching you” eye scissors.
Welp.

Xander is a super expressive adorable little kid. We had met for dinner the night before at Artichoke pizza and he, in no uncertain terms, did not like Artichoke’s burned double baked crusts. He took a bite, chewed for a second and then spit it the hell out! I laughed. His dad went across the street to buy him cheeze its for dinner. #NewYorkPizzaFail

I gave him a mini subway car that I bought at Carrie’s Brooklyn children’s store, Monk’s Trunk.
“What do you say?” his mom asked.
“Thank you, Miss Dawn.”
MISS!!! HOW CUTE IS THIS CHILD?! Pretty darn.

The next day, Petitedov, Xander, Gib and I set off to walk across the Brooklyn bridge. I was running late and I guess they had been waiting in the lobby for a while, because as soon as he saw me, Xander was all “OK! Now, LET’S GO!”

We walked through Times Square where we encountered Buzz Lightyear, Elmo and Mickey Mouse. Xander? Not impressed.

I think he did like the Rangers train, though.

As we walked across the bridge, Petitedov and I made the mistake of showing him there were cars driving below our feet. He got scared that the cars were going to hit him and then decided the best course was to just not walk anymore.

Poor Gib had to carry him the whole way, so we decided to only go halfway. Since we were already downtown, I figured we should go see the Statue of Liberty. Gib tried to get Xander to walk through City Hall park, but he refused. And then threw himself on the ground and his big blue eyes filled with water and perfect drops of tears poured down his itty bitty face.
“DDDAAAAADDDDYYYYY CCAAAAN YOU HEEEELLLPPP MMMMEEEEE”? He wailed.

Gib was all trying to be stern “you will not be rewarded for this behavior” parent. But all the women in the park watching, Pdov and I included, were like “he’s sooooo cuutteee! His eyelashes are so pretty with the teardrops on them!”

Girls are the worst.

Xander decided to just suck it up and finish walking the ten feet through the park and at the end, Gib said “ok, now I’ll carry you, if you ask nicely.”
“Daddy, can I please pick you up?”
“Yeah, he hasn’t mastered pronouns yet” Gib said, picking the boy up.
We went down to lower Manhattan to see the sights and then took a bus back uptown to ride the Central Park carousel.

I think Xander was a little scared of the horses, but he was braver than Petitedov, who refused to ride it all. Chicken.
Xander, all rested from his bus nap, decided to lead us through the park.
We ended the trip in an Eloise approved fashion, with a stop at the Plaza!

Petitedov says I look like a celebrity:

All in all, it was a nice visit and Xander restored my “I’m still cool to toddlers” ego after Fisch’s almost two-year-old, totally crushed it by refusing to acknowledge my existence with so much as eye contact. #Cry

I had so so so much fun. April looked absolutely gorgeous (OMG! You’re a pretty Kardashian!)

Jason was also very dapper.

Their families were also SO nice! I just can’t with how cute everyone was.

I want to tell a bunch of stories, but what happens in Vegas… um… er… who are we kidding?

The wedding was held in a phat mansion in the middle of the Las Vegas desert and there was a pool. Big thanks to Maid of Honor @bettyunderground for stopping me at the point in the evening when I thought swimming in said pool was an awesome idea.

In my defense (I LOVE defending myself) I was one of the first people at the open bar and I didn’t have change, so I tipped the bartender really well for my white wine. So, he gave me another at the same time. And then when I came back to bring back one of the glasses so it didn’t look like I was double fisting, he gave me another. Of course, I had to drink that one really fast, otherwise, again with the double fisting. I went in search of some food at that point…and that’s when I saw the glimmering inviting blue pool. “IT MATCHES MY DRESS! LET’S GO SWIMMING!”

See?? So not fault!

Anyway, after my fancy swimming was all thwarted, I went back to the bar because I figured I needed some water. It was a totally different bartender, so I waited in line. There were three people ahead of me and I was concentrating real hard on staying upright. Water. Water. Water. Water.

One person in front now.

Water would soon be mine.

Of course, when that dude steps away with his beverage in hand, the original bartender is magically back and handing me a glass of wine. This is what a wedding with Jesus must have been like back in the day.

Fueled by pure alcohol, at this point, I danced and danced and laughed the whole night. Seriously, what a kick ass party. I did a mean shimmy to Hava Nagilah Hava! And almost limboed during the “a little bit softer now…Shout!…a little bit softer now… Shout!” dance. April even jumped off the chair during the lifting up of the bride and groom on the chairs part. She then did a back flip and stuck the landing. Even the Chinese judge gave her a 9.9!

I cannot say even about how cute her bridesmaids were too.

There was “Inappropriate Bridesmaid” @brandius who tried to pick up German tourists for us and whose job it was to be elevator bouncer. And Texas belle bridesmaid Kat, who did everyone’s makeup and brought enough double sided tape to hide bra straps for two weddings and of course, cute as a button bridesmaid, Hala, who didn’t threaten to punch me in the face even though I kept saying her name as “Hoolllaaaa” and doing the raise the roof arms.
This is probably why I don’t get invited to any of the dinners F-train and Kaz have all the time.
Last, but certainly, not least was the gay bff bridesmaid, Joel. Who even got his pedicure in the bridal colors. He was totally funny and sweet. Usually, I am super shy around strangers and tend to silently drink the night away in a corner somewhere, but everyone was so funny, with just the right amount of wicked that I totally felt like I fit in.

Plus, when you almost die in a van on a Las Vegas highway with people, you bond.
Seriously. I almost died in a van. Down by the desert.

And then there was me, I was watching-the-Rangers-game-responsibility-shirking bridesmaid. I am the worst.

Maybe that’s why I don’t get invited to dinners with F-train and Kaz.

I stayed at the Imperial Palace (The Imperial Palace is neither imperial, nor a palace: discuss.) It was next to O’Shea’s, which was being torn down that weekend. In anticipation of its destruction, they were doling out free shots every hour on the hour, so the sidewalk outside my hotel smelled of vomit vomit and dried vomit. When I got home, I basically, dumped all my regular clothes into a washer and sent the fancy clothes to the dry cleaners.

Yesterday, I had this awesome conversation with the dry cleaners:

Me: Um… where are my clothes that I dropped off a week ago for next day cleaning?

Lady: Well… we think maybe someone take. We hope they bring back.

Me: You lost my clothes?

Lady: Clothes not lost. Someone take maybe. We wait. See if they bring back maybe.

Me: So, do you know who took them?

Lady: No. Someone. Maybe.

O_O
RIP to all my puhrty dresses:

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don’t have nice things.

Huh. Maybe That’s why I don’t get invited to dinners with F-train and Kaz!

The Descendants
Full disclosure: I cannot take any movie seriously once a main character takes off running aimlessly after hearing bad news. I just can’t. I start laughing everytime and that’s it – especially since those moments are accompanied by the most ridiculous dramatic music and (usually) rainfall. So, about twenty minutes in, this movie, which is supposed to be the poignant story of a husband who finds out his comatose wife was cheating on him and is left with two daughters to raise and a family legacy to protect, loses me. But, that may just be me. Also, the crazy secretary from Arrested Development plays a dramatic role as the wife of the man the coma wife had the affair with and well, I just think it was poor casting cause I kept waiting for her to be funny.

Return of the Secaucus 7
This movie is dumb. It was on EW’s list of best movies about reunions of college friends, and as my reunion is coming up, I thought I should see what I was in for. Bah. It’s not interesting. It might have been a better movie if they had started from the last ten minutes – instead of just ending the movie abruptly just when the characters got interesting.

Our Idiot Brother
I fell asleep watching this movie with F-train. The next day, I put it back on, he walks in the room and goes “trust me, it was better when you were asleep.” He was right. Blech.

Tower Heist
This movie wasn’t the worst. It’s about the staff at a hotel planning to steal back the money lost in their pensions from the pension fund manager. It’s silly and implausible, but fun.

Mirror Mirror
Ugh. This movie could have been great. It’s like, they had all the pieces for a great movie and then just put them in all the wrong order and, instead, we get this mess. In a movie about Snow White and the Evil Queen they’ve GOT NO APPLE BITING AND JULIA ROBERTS NEVER SAYS “MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL WHO’S THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL?” W.T.F? EPIC FAIL.

The. Fuck!

Roger: Cup of what?

In honor of my boys, walking into Ottawa and taking their home ice advantage back, we’re going with Taylor’s FEARLESS!!

GO RANGERS!!

He showed up wearing this:

O_o

Are. You. Effing. Kidding?

His mom was all “I’m sorry! I didn’t know! I just put on his baseball hat!”

Mmmhmmm.

First stop: Mets store.

I kid you not, I told that child to pick a hat he liked, take the one off his head and step on it. He totes liked the stepping on it part. The store clerk found the entire exchange hilarious and gave him a bonus Mets stress ball. When we left, I asked Sammy what we say to the Yankees? He dutifully replied “Booooo.”
“Show me a Yankees face!”

Thatta boy!

Sadly, the unthinkable happened. As soon as we sat down, Gee gives up a one run homer. The Nationals never looked back and I saw my first live Mets loss in 11 years of going to games! I know this was somehow Fisch’s fault. He’s all “here are awesome front row tickets with a fancy parking pass, Dawn!”
And I’m all “Yay! Thanks Fisch, you’re awesome!”

Then when I leave, and he closes the door behind me, he tents his fingers and says “what you don’t know is that they’re cursed tickets!” And then he and Max laugh evilly while they do the Mickey Mouse dance. #truestory

But cursed or not, the seats were pretty sick. That’s Jason Bay right in front of me.

Know how I know that’s Jason Bay? Cause the six high school guys behind me were heckling him mercilessly THE WHOLE GAME!

“You SUCK JASON!”

“You may be the best baseball player in Canada, but that’s like being the best Jamaican bobsledder!”

“You’re the reason my dad left us, Jason!”

“Bay pees sitting down!”

Then a plastic bag blew onto to the field and they were like:

“Hey Bay! Pick up that bag. We’re paying you enough money and you’re not doing anything else! Might as well clean up the field!”

Then the other one was all “Nah, leave the bag; you go to the bench. I bet that bag gets more outs than you!”

Non. Stop.

Best part? At one point one of them was like “You’re so gay Jason Bay!” And another guy was like “Nah, man. That’s not cool, there’s nothing wrong with being gay one way or another.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said sheepishly.

“Jason Bay just sucks!”
They laughed and then started mocking Bay with “MVP MVP MVP” chants.

Ah, good times. Good times.

Kung Fu Panda 2
Cute movie. Though I don’t recall leaving Kung Fu Panda having all that many unanswered questions. Or any at all. But, they have a new bad guy threatening China. Can the kung Fu Panda rise to the challenge? Yes. Yes he can. Obama ’12. What? That’s what the movie is about, isn’t it? A black and white hero who saves a nation from evil? Well, that was MY takeaway. You guys can suck it. Hmm… dear Obama campaign, feel free to use that as the new slogan “You guys can suck it.”

21 Jump Street
I totally thought I was going to hate this movie because I usually hate movies with that used-to-be-fat-and-now-he’s-less-fat-dude. But the movie is actually sharp and funny (though it did hit an insufferably long boring patch in the middle). The ending is AMAZING especially if you remember watching the 21 Jump Street TV show as a tween.

The Future
HAHAHAHHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Okay, let me give you the plot of this movie: two twenty-something hipsters decide to adopt a three legged cat. They are told to come pick the cat up in thirty days. On their way home they realize “OH MY GOD! IN *THIRTY DAYS* WE’RE GOING TO BE CAT OWNERS!” The rest of the movie is how they decide to spend their last days of life before the cat comes, as, I assume, they realize that the cat will eat their faces on Day 31. And, I can’t lie, I would sorta be rooting for the cat. Do not, under ANY circumstances, see this movie. I’m also gonna go ahead and hashtag this film #whitepeopleproblems

Safe House
Sigh. I may have to break up with Ryan Reynolds. Two utterly unwatchable movies in a row AND HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO PUNCH DENZEL WASHINGTON IN THE FACE?? ##RRRRAAYYYYCCCEEESSSSS Bleeeccchhh. This predictable and formulaic movie about a rogue spy and a rookie spy whose worlds collide in South Africa is a snoozefest.

The Ides of March

It’s okay that I’m breaking up with Ryan Reynolds because I am ALL IN on Ryan Gosling! HE IS GREAT IN EVERYTHING! And everything he does is great! Swoon. I thought Ides was going to be dumb, like Primary Colors, but it wasn’t. It was wonderful, like Dodgeball! And the best thing about breaking up with Reynolds for Gosling, besides sticking with the name Ryan? At least Gosling’s not Canadian like that fradulent pretender Reynolds who tried to trick me. LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you.

Read the whole thing

I seem to lean on
Old familiar ways
And I aint no fool for love songs
That whisper in my ears
Still crazy after all these years
Oh, still crazy after all these years

Now I sit by my window
And I watch the cars go by
I fear I’ll do some damage
One fine day
But I would not be convicted
By a jury of my peers
Still crazy after all these years
Oh, still crazy
Still crazy
Still crazy after all these years

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who are Canadian, and they are great people. But as a whole, Canadians are a resentful, rotten bunch. I’m sure similar arguments can be made about the USA being a bunch of dumb hicks (I’m looking at you deep south), but no one is denying that. Canadians cultivate a reputation a kindness, while spitting on you when you turn your back.

A few years ago, a friend of mine went to a Sabres/Senators playoff game in Ottawa. The Sens were up 3 games to none and were looking to sweep at home. Many fans brought brooms and poked fun at my friend tapping her with the brooms. All in good fun. Until the Sabres came back and won the game. My friend (a girl) cheered when the Sabres scored an overtime goal to win 3-2, and was promptly attacked by two men. She was hit 4 times resulting in two large bumps on her head, one on her cheek, and a cut on her cheek.

Fast forward to almost any Leafs/Habs/Sens game in which they are playing an American team. They almost ALWAYS boo the US National Anthem. This really bugs me. The Sabres are the only team in the league that plays BOTH national anthems at every game, regardless of the opponent. It is out of respect for the players and the spirit of international competition. And no one ever boos the Canadian anthem.

Fast forward to Vancouver last year. We all know how that went down after the Canucks lost to Boston in the finals. They burned and looted their own city. Canada, keeping it classy.

Last nights Sabres’ game was the last straw. Buffalo always gets lots of Leaf fans in our arena for Toronto games, and last night was no exception. Before the anthems, there was an announced moment of silence for all the fallen veterans of war. The place went dead quiet. Except for many, many Canadians, who took the opportunity to yell and taunt and heckle. Complete and utter lack of respect.

I wanted so badly to boo their national anthem when it started but I held my tongue. Not so much for them when ours came on next.

Sabres ended up winning 6-5 in OT in a crazy roller-coaster of a game. How did the Canadians react? By starting fights, throwing beer, and keying cars.

Canada, please get the fuck out of my country and never come back. You’re not welcome here anymore.

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you’re best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they’re so cool
We’ll be outta here as soon as we can

‘Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
When you’re fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin ’round
But in your life you’ll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn’t know it at fifteen

Couldn’t pay my respects to a dead man
Your life was much more to me
And I chased away with sticks and stones
But that rage kept following me
Following Me
Following Me
So lost I was asleep in the palms of your hand
In dreams we were happy and safe
I can’t comprehend the ways I miss you
They come to light in my mistakes

And to prove that he is indeed his parents’ son:

Take THAT cupcake!

Girl at Bar: The Mets, but I haven’t payed attention in years.

VinNay: Neither have they honey, neither have they.

Let me ASSURE YOU, friends, it is NOT HOT. Hot MESS maybe!

(It’s basically electronic pictionary. You get three word choices: a 1 coin “easy”, 2 coin “moderate” or 3 coin “hard” option. You draw, your opponent is given ten letters, plus your picture clue and has to type in the word for your drawing. There is no winner. (So, right away, you know Dawn Summers hates this game. Also, did I ever tell you that my straight A average in freshman year of high school was RUINED by a C+ in art, which, after I screamed and threatened family pets, he upped to a B provided I agreed to wash the brushes and put back the canvases in the art room for a week. *GLARE*)

Anywho, so I’ve been playing Draw Something with Vin and Fisch. While I do NOT recommend playing this game AT ALL. If you’re going to play, play with Fisch.

His drawings ARE HILARIOUS.

I tried to screen capture some of these pictures… oh man.

The first one he drew was like a pink polka dot dinosaur with a little hat. I am trying all combinations of cartoon dinosaurs, but then he erases it and does a dinosaur behind bars instead! (In the game, you can see your opponent drawing the clue as if you were playing live pictionary.) So now I’m so confused, but laughing really hard. Mary is all “what’re you doing?” And I’m all “I HAVE NO CLUE! Look at this!”

And I’m still laughing as I show her the picture and she immediately says “It’s a zebra.”

NOW I’m laughing EVEN HARDER because it’s TOTALLY A ZERBA, but then WHAT ON EARTH WAS THE POLKA DOT DINOSAUR ABOUT?

Since then, I’ve learned Fischel doesn’t so much adhere to the reality of the shapes of things. For instance, on the word “Afro.” He drew a Kid N Play high top fade. I was so stumped I just started playing around with the letters to see what could fit and I finally came up with afro. So I write him (in the program, I now choose to leave notes for my opponents criticising their terrible terrible clues.) “DUDE! A *SQUARE* AFRO?? THE HELL???”

And he writes back, also using the program, so it took like three sheets, “Afros AREN’T SQUARE??? Well, I colored in the face, so you could tell it was a black guy!”

OF COURSE He did! RAAAAAYYYYCCCCEEEEESSSSS!

Then I had the clue “Orlando.” It was a three coin one, but I picked it because I figured, I’d just draw Florida and Mickey Mouse: BOOM! Yah. Let me tell you, forty minutes, 120 erasures later and a terrible rendition of Dwight Howard in a superman cape and Florida later, I learned “FUCK DRAWING MICKEY MOUSE.”

Fisch laughed at me, but just now I watched him take 20 minutes to just draw “mouse”!

However, all that is still WAAAAAAAAAAYYYY better than playing with Draw Something NAZI Vin “MAKE IT HARDER” Nay (That’s what she said.)

He’s all “DAS NEIN MORE ONE COIN PICTURESFREUDE!”

And I’m all “huh? what? It’s a GAME! You don’t even win or lose, it’s just for FUN!”

And he’s all slapping me in the face, grabbing my collar and yelling “IT’S NOT FOR FUN! DRAW SOMETHING IS LIFE! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, SUMMERS! STOP FUCKING UP! Bitch, give me my money!”

Then, he wipes the blood off his knuckles on my perfectly matched green sneakers, fixes his shirt and walks away, while I, shaking and bleeding from the head, figure out how to draw dandruff without getting yelled at again.

So…umm… who wants to play Words with Friends!

“Update” was choice 9. “If it’s not one thing” was ten.

You have been warned. *whistles*

I have been off twitter for a month!

Hurrah.

To be honest, I had surgery about three days into Lent, so I knew I’d be all doped up and unconscious for the first couple of weeks. But with the Rangers choking and all these NFL free agency moves, I was desperate to get back on last week, at which point, I discovered I’d forgotten my password.

So…still going strong! Ish.

I read the feeds of the public twitter handles I remember. But I cannot respond. I have finally gotten my screenplay software loaded, registered and ready to go! Unfortunately, all my movie ideas right now are morbid and dark. I’m pretty much going for the Oscar on the first try.

It’s been more than a month since the surgery. It was supposed to take two hours, but ended up taking 9 hours and I had to spend two days in the hospital. I’m sort of a professional surgery haver by now, so I took it in stride, served my sentence at Casa de Clare and bided my time until F-train broke me out.

At my mother’s house, she took care to feed me three home cooked meals of whole grains, meats and veg-e-tables? The woman, God bless her heart, even attempted to make “coffee” from some bottle of black crystals labeled “Folgers Instant”? I do not know what it’s supposed to instantly become… not coffee, surely. Alas, the minute I was free and left to my own devices, I think I had brownies and coffee ice cream for dinner. And as I was still on bed/coach rest, my days were mostly filled with wine drinking and television watching.

This led to my leg pain/blood clot scare, which, after the sonogram results came back negative, the doctor suggested might be due to muscle atrophy since I had been pretty active before suddenly lying in bed for 23 hours a day. Oh, and the two hundred additional brownie/coffee ice cream pounds probably weren’t helping.

Awesome.

The following week, I got myself a new trainer and put my stupid legs in my stupid sneakers and went back to the stupid gym… until a week ago, when I noticed something very strange…I knew it was bad cause when I showed it to my mom on Sunday, she freaked out and tried to take me to the Emergency Room. So, I went to the doctor today and he diagnosed it as a seroma.

Do not google seroma images. Seriously, don’t do it, man.

GUY! WHAT DID I *JUST* SAY?!

Anyway, the doctor originally stuck this like 4 inch needle to aspirate the seroma, but it filled up in like two seconds and he had to switch to a 15 foot needle. THE FUCK?

He’s all “you’ll feel a little pinch.” AND I’M ALL: NEGRO. I WILL *CUT* YOU. (I only had four new year’s resolutions. One of them was “stop calling white people ‘negro.’” I failed.)

So he stabs the top of the Empire State Building into my body and over the incessant screaming, he goes “so, aside from this, how’re things? Do you feel better?”

Anyway, this was all my circuitous way of asking “so what’s the best way to dispose of the body of a doctor you have murdered?”

Allegedly.

*whistles*