Clareified

I was like please don’t be republicans. When I should have been: please don’t be Jewish #stupidgreedySyrianJooos

-petitedov

*look lady the phrase “it’s probably benign” is NOT useful

*I need two fillings, a bond and a cleaning. I have one thing to say to whoever gave me dental insurance: SUCKA!

*Hearts President Obama! He’s so tall and wonderful and awesome and chocolately

*Have I told you lately that I LOVE BARACK OBAMA? No? Really? I coulda sworn…well, nevermind I LOVE BARACK OBAMA!!!

*just saw a raccoon as big as a dog. I didn’t overreact at all. There was no running into the street or screaming.

*Is changing all the words in a Bill Withers song so that I am wishing myself well. ” I wish me truckloads of cheer; hope I laugh out loud!”

*hahaha Sorry, buddy. You must not have gotten the memo: I don’t put up with bullshit anymore. Try to holla at me three years ago.

*When the three celebrities die, do three more rise in their place? Like did someone just call up Sanjaya and say “get in there, kid!”

*Ok, is it wrong that I unfollowed Tina Fey cause she said the “Kit Kat” was her favorite chocolate bar? IT’S BARELY CHOCOLATE AT ALL!

*Huh. In Canada 39 degrees comes with *humidity* #CanadaFail

*coworkers are bashing Gov. Paterson. Contemplating asking if it’s because he’s black and making them feel uncomfortable.

*And just when the silence becomes awkwardly unbearable, going “Just kidding. He’s blind. Probably doesn’t even know he’s black.”

*hahaha heard someone coming and I could not quickly find a single window on my screen that didn’t contain proof I was goofing off #hatemyjob

*Woman whose name I don’t know, existence I barely remember apologized to me cuz she thinks I said GN yesterday and she didnt say it back.

*FUCK For some reason thought 8-2 was 4 and that I had 4 hours left at work. NOW I HAVE FIVE HOURS LEFT! #MathFail #KillMe

*hates people who fake asking permission. “Mind if I change the channel?” but the remote’s already in their hand. #grrr

*Having fun writing happy birthday notes to an almost 1 year old: “Dear Ryan, I assume I am your favorite fake aunt. Unless you are racist.”

*has 1 hour and 5 minutes to go before she blows this popsicle stand. MMM popsicles.

*You know what I don’t like about promotions with “no raise but more responsibility”? The lack of a raise and increased responsibility. #FAIL

*Has taken a new job amusing @Karols for $2 a joke. BMW should be paid off by Friday.

*Kinda wants to ask the guy behind her how many documents he has finished so she can decide if she should be tweeting less. Or tweeting more.

*This one’s for Alceste: Little miss, little miss, little miss can’t be wrong!

Tweetversation:

@Karols: I swear I knew it was the 70th when the cop didn’t want to take the report. Worst precinct of all time. Louima precinct. Get your report and get outta there.
@Me: I’m trying, Vasya! But if I see anyone with plungers, I’m leaving without the report!

Cookie Monster is now following you on Twitter!

do you ever sleep, or do you twitter in your dreams? -Gay Train

For those of you who refuse to take the ride down the rabbit hole, here for your reading pleasure — the Dawn Summers tweets that can’t be beat…this week! (Shamelessly stolen from Conan):

*watching a grown man write his name on the brown bag lunch he’s about to put in the refrigerator. #Fail

*so tempted to write my name on his brown bag too. “Oh, I thought we were all signing lunches today! Sorry.” #Fail

*Want to eat lunch of guy who writes name on his brown bag every morning. Him: That’s mine! Me: I don’t see your name on it. Oh. Mah bad

*just paid $1.94 for 12oz of OJ at McCafe beause Duane Reade was closed. That’s the price of half a gallon. You win this one Ronald McDonald.

*Obama to Eliot Spitzer: I called your office to get your opinion on my finance plan, but they said you resigned after doing it with hookers

*Has to do two years worth of CLE classes by her birthday in 3 weeks. Life, you have just made a very powerless enemy! #fistshake

*Since you asked, CLE is the universe’s way of punishing lawyers for things like suing for too hot coffee. #beingalawyersux #karma

*Is currently listening to a CLE class on fighting traffic tickets in NYC. Stay tuned. #crapImayactuallybeabletouse

*”Tough to beat the lasers!” Damn robots.

*My takeaway from this ‘fighting traffic tickets’ class? I need to become an adminstrative law judge in traffic court. #cake

*has now fully continued to be legally educated. See you same time in ’11.

*Approval for Republican Party below 30%…huh, there’s still a Republican party!

*Do I want to know if the pilot of my plane dies midflight? No #statingtheobvious

*If I had 8 kids at once and ran out of names for them, I would name them after word verification codes on my favorite blogs. Hi mollyako!

*How about that? This is my 1776th tweet! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! #DownwithEngland #Don’ttreadonme #AlexHamiltonishawt #benedictarnoldsux

*wonders if she would have rolled her eyes at revolutionaries spreading anti King George pamphlets. “Ugh, again with this, Thomas Paine?”

*There are enough holes in Paul Blart: Mall Cop to drive Kevin James through

*just put Eddie Murphy’s “Meet Dave” into DVD player. Fully understand that I deserve whatever happens next

And the tweet of the week that really can’t be beat:

*God invented the Patriots because he made me a Mets fan #iftheMetsblowonemore9thinningleadtheywillbetheMets