I don’t know how December 21, 2011 became December 13, 2011 in my head, but I’m going to assume lots of 30-year-olds screw up their doctor appointment times in this fashion.
Also, don’t tell twitter. Twitter is judgy.
Banana is harder to spell than it should be. And it knows it too. I see it taunting me with its “nanana.” Bananas are assholes. -@realdawnsummers
Is it rude to name yourself as tweet of the day? What if you can’t help it if you tweet pure awesome without even trying?
@Keitholbermann is on twitter now! Tweeting! For real! He hasn’t talked back to me yet though. Boo.
UPDATE:
OH NO!! Literally five minutes after I posted this, one of my favorite twitterers, Gangsta Prof Blair Kelley, did a search of KO’s follow list and discovered that he only follows white people and some dude named Eugene Robinson, whose account is staff run. She spent the night sending him black tweeps to follow and this morning, though he didn’t respond, he now follows Al Sharpton, Tiki Barber and Danny Glover. Oy. Fail fail fail.
Where have all the cowboys gone indeed.
* I thought Les Paul was the guy with glasses on WKRP in Cincinnati. #notetoselfcheckwithgooglebeforespeaking #fail
* I am Mordor the Unforgiving! #BetterOffTed
* Dawn “you’re like Tila Tequila without the TV Show.” -@astinto #umwasntthatalltherewastoTilaTequila #Ihatecanadians
* FYI: CNN HLN ticker: “Hundreds of meteors streak across the sky at Dawn.” Better put on your hard hat, @realdawnsummers. -@heitmosa
*@Heitmosa I’m pretty sure “impervious to meteors” is my yet-to-be-discovered superpower
(more…)
* Now Republicans care abt choice? rt: @mkhammer “outlawing indiv. private health insurance does not constitute ‘choice,’ Dems
* Ah, 25, was I ever this young? Might have to turn 25 next year. They look puhrty.
* If I answer “yes” to the question “can you dig it, fools?” I admit to being a fool. If I say “no,” then it’s like I can’t dig it.
* Who the hell updates their linkedin status? Get on facebook, loser. #uncharitablethoughtsTuesday
*That terrible stutter is God’s way of telling you to shut the hell up. #uncharitablethoughtstuesday
*Dawn Summers is GRR. If I have to wear long pants and a hooded sweatshirt on a Sunday in JULY, there’d better be a football game on TV this afternoon!!! (Then, three hours later…)
* Me: DAMN IT’S HOT! July: Dude, you are not allowed to say shit about the weather for the rest of the Summer. Me: But- July: No! Not listening
* the legendary @realdawnsummers wishes Bill Belichick could manage the Mets during the off season
* Officially wants to be called the legendary @realdawnsummers
*Breakfast of champions? French Vanilla latte and key lime pie cupcakes!
*Anyone know where I can pick up an English to Stupidmoronwhocanttakeafuckinghintese Dictionary? #facepalm
* Billion dollar idea: Dentist who advertises “a money back guarantee of no unnecessary chatter and only yes/no questions”
Wife of twitter CEO is live tweeting giving birth. No, seriously!
Woke up in a very, very bad mood. Well, actually, went to sleep in a very bad mood. Someone unfollowed me on twitter yesterday, and instead of doing so in the normal, JUST CLICK UNFOLLOW, way that we all do, he decides to tweet me a Dear Dawn letter. IN TWO PARTS because I “tweet too much.” Whatever that means.
Ima unfollow him because he doesn’t tweet enough.
And then Ima mail him a letter of explanation.
And mail another one a month later. Cause that’d be like his tweeting.
Grr.
Have I told you lately that I HATE EVERYBODY.
Except you of course, you’re awesome.
Anyway, got to work, which put me in a worse mood (I was reprimanded last week because this douchebag (who I ACTUALLY TOLD ABOUT THIS JOB because we worked together at my last firm and when that job suddenly ended, I got hired at this one right away and when I heard they were looking for more lawyers, I CALLED HIM and told him he should apply.) told the supervisor that I was eating chips and the crunching bothered him. No eating at all is allowed. So, I got demoted (out of the promotion that came with increased reponsibilities, but not increased pay) and shipped back to the general pool. That is where I sit now stewing and NOT planning revenge.
NOT.
Because revenge is BAD. The best revenge is MY OWN HAPPINESS. MY HAPPINESS. NOT CAUSING THE UNHAPPINESS OF OTHERS. THAT IS wrong satisfying.
I HATE EVERYBODY.
Not you, stop it.
Anyway, I was all grumbly this morning and doing my best “let God deal with the things they do,” mental exercises, when I camest upon my favoritest thing EVER: A post all about me and how AWESOMELY LEGENDARY I AM!
Anyway, food was good, as was, once again, the conversation and laughs. I think Dawn has a problem though – she was tweeting during dinner, but her blackberry was dead, so she simply tweeted in the air, as if she was holding her precious device. I opted to tweet just because she couldn’t. I’m awesome like that.
We did the 12 hour walk back to the Boat, with Dawn getting some Ben & Jerry’s by shoving three old ladies and a blind parapalegic out of her way because they were taking too long to finish their orders for Cherry Garcia. She smashed the glass with one old lady’s walker and scooped half a tub of caramel-caramel-caramel ice cream with extra caramel sauce into her custom ice cream cup before flipping off the cashier and then flipping them a quarter so they could call their mother or something. The details are fuzzy due to the running away and the dead fish smell at that portion of the boardwalk.
When Astin asked why I didn’t take the actual blackberry out of my pocket and tweet on it, instead of tweeting in midair, I raised my eyebrows, shook my head and said “why would I do that? The battery is dead. That would be ridiculous.” COME ON (a la Arrested Development’s Gob.)
I don’t know how the story of Nasim doing the suicide bomber ullation at the table didn’t make the blog though. Cause man did we laugh and laugh. Seriously. Still laughing. Terrorism is funny. #truestory (Sorry, Jordan.)
Laughter really is the best medicine for suppressing raging face punching desires.
I know I said I would do a “tweets of the week” feature so that you could see my genius without having to join twitter.
But, um, it turns out, boy do I have A TON of genius. I mean, how could I even begin to choose which of my incredibly awesome tweetage to repost here. I’d only end up posting all of it and (um, truth be told) there’s A LOT of it.
Like for instance, last night, I’m playing in this online tournament and the online poker site allows you to chat with the other players at the table; except, one time a couple of years ago I jokingly wrote “you should give a nigga some notice before you raise,” to a guy in the chat.
Someone reported it (I guess) and my chat privileges were taken away because I was racist. (I could get them back by writing an email to the site and promising I won’t be racist anymore, but I’m not that good of a liar.)
Anyway, so I’m playing in this game and since I can’t use the chat, I used twitter to chat, which is pretty funny when everyone else is trying to talk to you via the game and you’re all answering them via twitter, but you can’t tell them that’s where you’re answering them because you can’t talk via the game. I asked CK to tell everyone I was answering them on twitter but she tweeted back “I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET.” (What she didn’t know is that is actually what I wanted her to tweet. Sucka.)
So the people in the game just think I’m a bitch who doesn’t respond. (A few weeks ago I decided that if I ever got a T-shirt made for myself it would say “I’m not a bitch. You’re a pussy.” Except I know my mom would kick my ass if she ever saw me wearing it. Or heard about me wearing it. Or saw a post about how I thought about wearing it. You see my problem.
Anyway, so This is Not April (who, dude, I don’t know, but I totally think might just be April) tweets “get off twitter long enough to talk to me on the rail.”
And I tweet back:
“I’m too racist for Full Tilt #exactlyracistenoughfortwitter #truestory”
She laughs and later when I’m whining because everyone folds when I have a good hand, she tweets
“they fear you hurling racial insults at them if they call.”
I laugh, but then later when this one player was taking forever, I write: “Box of Whine is getting on my nerves. He’s about to be a box of dawnsummers’ racial slurs.”
But then Astin tells me that the player is this guy’s sister, so I apologize and blame the tweet on hackers. Or Nickelback. (That guy hates him some Nickelback, for realz, yo.)
But so you see? How do I choose which of those awesomely awesome tweets to repost? I CAN’T! It’s TOO HARD.
Like that movie with Meryl Streep where she plays a lady named Sophie who has to make a choice about which kid to throw in the fire. I think it was called “hurry up lady, the Americans and Soviets will be here any day now.”
Also, twitter has memes everyday, someone picks a topic and anyone who wants to tweets about the topic.
I picked a topic once called “Lies People Tell Hippies.” It was fun.
The latest one was called “Failed Children’s Book Titles.”
Here were my favorites:
Curious George and the Electric Fence via Iggy
“Bitch, you ain’t my Grandma. You’s a M’Effin WOLF. I CAN SEE YOU, SON. I GOT EYES M’Effer, EYES! ” via Elon
So, um, long story…still pretty long, but come on, you laughed, twitter is fun. And you should do it. You don’t have to write anything. You should just read everything I write. Because I am funny. And on twitter I am short. Not height wise, I am exactly the same height that I am on blogger – which is to say a perfectly normal height for a woman.
Not short.
Normal.