Clareified

So, every year some genius thinks it will be HILARIOUS to say they’re coming to my birthday poker tournament AND THEN, like a week later, say they can’t make it BUT THEN ACTUALLY COME ANYWAY!

This year that genius was this guy!

What these people fail to realize is that in the interim between them canceling and showing up, this what happens: I put them on lists! Bad, bad lists. I take them off other lists. Good, good lists. I make mini figures of them and set those on fire. AND THEN when they come I feel all bad and have to call off hitmen.

IT IS A LOT OF WORK!

But the cake was fairly hilarious

AND I have a new Mets fan in Buffalo! #Veryexcited

Ok, it’s probably more than half, but turning 30 has not improved my math skills. What? THIR-TEE. The cake says so:

you wanna fight with the cake, go right ahead, but you’ll look pretty darn silly. Plus, that cake had backup:

Since turning 30, I am sleeping much more soundly though. Of course, now I’m afraid my body is just readying itself for death.

Hopefully that worry will start to keep me up again at night. This 9-10 hours of undisturbed sleep is kinda disturbing. I did have a fascinating historical dream the other day. I meant to google the facts to see if they were real or imagined.

I’m currently reading Oryx and Crake. And listening to the Wicked and Glee Volume 3 soundtracks. I’ve also seen 17 Again three times in the last 5 days. I am beyond spoiled.

Pearatty, Senor pearatty and Wygant got me Oryx and Crake because they are Canadian.

They also got me the ‘History of White People’ because they are white.

And they got me “Can’t Buy Me Love” because they are old. (Wygant added “I do not know why we got you this.”) Though, if they were really old, they would have gotten it for me on Beta max. Not that I know what that is. (Funny story, in Panama, Beta Max took off, much the way VHS did here in the States. So my octogenarian aunts always called the VCR “the Beta.” And even today they call DVDs “Beta tapes.” Weirdos.)

I hadn’t heard from Jake all day and so I texted him that I was reporting him to child protective services for forgetting his favorite child’s birthday. He replied that he had until midnight to deliver my gift. I said he didn’t have to get me anything, just shower me with nonstop praise and attention all day. He then replied he’d rather send cash. Which he promptly did. I should’ve asked for the Benz.

April and Ryan (Drobbski’s son) got me the current soundtracks of my life. There are dozens and dozens of Atlantic city poker players who HATE them.

Alceste and Dawn 2 got me Arrested Development, which made me sad again that it got canceled. Thanks guys. Hmph.

Someone got me 17 Again, and I put it in the Betamax immediately, there was no note though…but I suspect it was Angela. I know she somehow thinks we share Zac Efron. We do not. He is mine. All mine.

And someone got me a backgammon set…I suspect Jamie because now he has a backgammon blog and thinks he will be able to hustle me. Or maybe it was Fuelsellage as he lost a bet to me years ago, for which the prize was to be a backgammon game. Though, that would make it just about the worst birthday present from him ever.

Mary got me the dragon girl tattoo series, so now I can be all hip and cool (So long, I suppose, as I never say the title of it out loud!) OH but most hilariously, she wrapped the books in Miley Cyrus sticker covered paper! Did that sentence make sense? Do you get that the paper is covered with Miley stickers?

Here’s a picture:

Oh PI and Ugarles came to my mama’s house in ECB where that dang Sidney Star and his stupid brilliance and adorableness has pretty much stolen my mommy, upstaged me at my own party AND Jedi mind tricked me into thinking my ball was his ball!

#RUDE

Petitedov and the donut stealer got me a Yale blue cake from my favorite bakery and the It’s Always Sunny DVDs. Plus, they brought the elusive Pretty Numbers! Quell magnifique, nes pas? (Seriously, I don’t know what any of that means or where I pick up these things…)

Tito and Kaz very strangely just brought an empty pie plate. But there was a note inside that said I could redeem said plate for pie. I submitted the plate Monday and am waiting patiently for my pie. Actually, no it did come with pie, and at the end of the night, I refused to let anyone else have any and then I took the whole pie with me to Atlantic City and had keylime for every meal. Some people have a security blanket, I have a security pie. But then the internet told me I might have poisoned myself. Still? Totally worth it.

So that’s the birthday season so far. Birthday poker tournament is this weekend, I’m looking forward to it.

Huh, well, that’s kind of a flat ending.

How about this?

“Can I die from eating keylime pie that has been unrefrigerated for two days?”

It’s my brilliant, beautiful, botanical little sister’s birthday! Unfortunately, for her, said birthday falls in MY birthday season, so she usually has to have her birthday in November.

However, as she is also getting married soon, this year I will grant her the hours of noon to 11:30 pm to celebrate her birthday! You’re welcome!

Also, if the cellphone shots of herself in the dress shop mirror are any indication, all you other brides-to-be better get your weddings in now, cause Smokey is fixin to be the most gorgeous bride ever and all weddings will be ruined for everyone else into perpetuity.

Happy 11 and a half hours to you!

I have become obsessed with the music from the World Cup! It’s so get up and dance! This song comes in many different languages. I chose Spanish because I really need to brush up on my mother’s mother tongue. I am getting out-espanoltweeted by F-train on twitter!

F-trrrraaaaaiiiinnnnn! JAYSUS. Nobody tell.

Aww, speaking of F-train, did you all see his awesomepants post yesterday?

Sure, Dawn has her faults. Her memory is long. Cross her once and you might not find yourself ever able to cross her again. But Dawn knows that she has her faults. She doesn’t pretend they’re not there. That’s something that you can only respect in a person: a person who is secure enough in themselves to say “This is who I am. I am not perfect, but that’s fine.”

Except I do not remember ever saying that I wasn’t perfect. I mean, I am perfect, so saying that I’m not would mean that I was wrong. I am also never wrong. But other than that…spot on, job!

Also, Grange had a terrific post, my favorite part of which was his nicknames for my many internet presences:

Some of you may know the “Real Dawn Summers” (Twitter Ramblings, Annoying Non-Poker Blog, Obnoxious Poker Blog). I don’t. But somehow, despite never meeting this East Coast Nit Queen, I’ve made it on her short list of mortal enemies. Sweet.

My other mortal enemy Chilly, also dedicated blog space to yours truly, which I was tempted not to mention in this post, so he could throw another electronic hissy fit, since yesterday’s almost sent me to the hospital with an incurable case of the giggles. Seriously, I’m already starting to laugh again and I’m not even really thinking about it…hahahahahaha aw man, my stomach….but I LOVED this part of his post, so I have to quote it because, while not as hysterical as a Chilly temper tantrum, it’s TOTALLY true and hysterical in itself:

We have met face to face a couple of times. Although based on the fact that neither one of us really likes people it was basically a head nod and a return to drinking.

We must do better in December! Like maybe a head nod and some gun fingers!

And also, we’ll cannibalize Mary’s post for next year’s theme song, because they are way, way, WAY better than stupid Vinnay’s “you’re going to die now” birthday ditty. Please forward any information on the name of his band and where they will be playing next please. Videos also welcome.

Ooh and April dedicated her status to me. And now we’re running mates for the 2012 Presidential election. Vote for us. I don’t know what our platform is exactly, but I’m thinking something along the lines of the carrot and stick; except with cupcakes and sharks. Pretty boss.

Um…will write more about the birthday when the season ends, but had a blast yesterday! Even ended up in twitter jail for the first time…NOT COOL, man, NOT COOL! I have awesome friends, family, readers, commenters, followers!

Peace and chicken grease!

I have so many presents to open! But it’s not my birthday (contrary to what stupidfaced Vinnay thinks! He’s SO ON THE LIST!) and that would be wrong. Plus, I got an early present today…Jamie has given me Zac Efron! Which is pretty darn awesome! And possibly unconstitutional, but whatever, yay me! Thanks Jamie! However, there is a question that often comes up on the eve of my birthday. I will address that question now.

Dawn’s birthday is tomorrow and I didn’t get her anything, I’m totally freaking OUT! What should I do?

Relax. The most important thing is that you NOT PANIC.

Okay, well the most important thing is that you remembered before Friday. I shudder at the fate of those who don’t remember before Friday. Those poor bastards.
But that’s not you, you’re totally good and only moderately screwed.

Luckily for you, Dawn is a caring and benevolent ruler. And like all such rulers, Dawn wants to help you celebrate the wonderfulness of her.

Tomorrow is a good time to blog about Dawn, tweet about Dawn, leave lengthy and hilarious facebook wall posts about and for Dawn.

Say you have a blog, and you are in Toronto…ask yourself do I blogroll Dawn’s poker blog?

Or, if you have a blog and you are in Las Vegas. You may blogroll Dawn, but is she first? You may blogroll Dawn’s poker blog, but does it list “Dawn + X” as authors? Or worse “X+ Dawn”? Tomorrow would be the perfect day to update and cleanup these blogroll boo boos.

Are you on twitter?

Tomorrow would be a great time to do a #FRDS that’s right a “Follow RealDawnSummers.”

Are you not on twitter? Tomorrow would be the perfect day to join. And follow @realdawnsummers, tweet me happy birthday (Something like “Happy Birthday, @realdawnsummers will work) and then never log in again. Dawn is just padding her stats. Also, if you could get @conanobrien to follow me, that’d be clutch!

If you are F-train, you can drink lots and then tweet general observations for the rest of the day because that would be epic and really, would be a gift for all of twitter. See how generous, I am? Even on this, the eve of my birthday, I think of the good of the collective. Wait, that sounds a little commie. I think of the good of the collective, but in a capitalist way. Send me a dollar.

Better.

You can text and BBM hilarious jokes, touching memories of Dawn through the years, and/or send awesome pictures throughout the day. Oh, except you, you need to not ever text me again. Or e-mail. Eyeroll.

Also, if you have Tom Brady’s cellphone number, tomorrow would be an awesome day to give that to me. I swear, I’ll only use it on Saturdays during the football season! Pinky swear! That’s the most binding of swears!

Securing a President Obama press conference shoutout would also be pretty boss. President Clinton issued a Happy Birthday proclamation for me in 1996. I wonder if that’s binding for all future and past Presidents?!
I bet it is!

OMG Abraham Lincoln wished me Happy Birthday! WOW. Everyday my awesomeness simply grows and grows!

Oh, I’m sorry, I got distracted. This post is not about me, it’s about you.

You can also take this opportunity to trip my enemies. Or, if you are my enemy (looking at you Grange and Ken Wheaton) go ahead and trip yourselves. Twitpics or it didn’t happen.

Oh and comment comment comment! Tis the comments that feed the beast! Er…the awesome. The comments feed the awesome. Damn autocorrect.

So be of good cheer! There is plenty of time to be part of my born day celebrations!

So let’s get out there, have fun and win!

Or whatever Invictus was about.

And now for your moment of Zen:

RABBIT RABBIT! DAWN! DAWN! BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY!
(Huh? What echo?)

*DANCES* *TWIRLS* *CATCHES BREATH* *TWIRLS*

Everybody calls 11 that right?

I got my first present today! Yay!

*Does the running man in my chair because I am old and have bad knees*

But really, guy, all you had to do was ask!

THE EIGHTH OF JULY!

More easily remembered as 7/8. Cause eight naturally follows seven when counting. Unless you’re counting backwards, then it precedes it. But counting backwards is dumb. Unless it’s New Year’s, then it’s tradition.

Droid X

It’s super black. Like Malcolm. And me.