Clareified

It took me TWO YEARS, but I finally finished the UK Prime Suspect series and season one of Treme. I don’t recommend either.

Whenever I start watching a new show, I like to play a game.

“Where have I seen that actor before”?

I used to be really good at this. In the last ten years, my skills, thanks to imdb, have fallen off considerably, but I still try.

Anyway, so there I am watching “The Following,” and the one surviving victim looked really familiar, but I couldn’t figure it out. When I imdb’d it, turns out, she was Maggie Grace! BALLS! I totes should have gotten that one!

So, I decided to be really strict with myself, like can’t look it up for a day. The black guy detective I recognize, but he’s one of those actors I ALWAYS confuse with another actor. Tell me these two men are different. I DARE YOU. I know, I know #races.

Anyway, once I got it down to “the guy from Dexter/True Blood” I count it as gotten.

THEN the white FBI detective looked really familiar, so I worked on figuring that one out. BOOM. GOT IT.

Jimmy Olsen from Smallville, Aaron Ashmore! I go to check and imdb says I’M WRONG! WWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT?????

Annoyed, AND POSITIVE THAT IMDB IS WRONG, cause DUDE, I AM POSITIVE, I go to the following characters list and look for the guy’s name. Still nothing. I sigh and give up.

When I went to check that I got the stupid ex-wife from Justified right, I notice the name Shawn Ashmore! Heeeeyyy, what’s going on here?! Did that negro change his name?

I check and NOPE. TWINS! THEY’RE FREAKING TWINS. EVEN WORSE? THEY’RE FREAKING CANADIAN TWINS!

NEWMAN!

Also, that totally counts as me being right!

HMPH.

Canada.

Mr Price: Gentlemen, I’m not sure you are aware, but England won the world cup.

Roger: Cup of what?

Why is Mad Men so boring?

Terra Nova gets the axe.

Sigh. At least I still have GCB. O_O

via Fisch

SANKS GOD! GEEZ. We know, IT’S NOT SARCOIDOSIS! IT’S NEVER SARCOIDOSIS!

Oh, my poor neglected blog commenters! I am so sorry! I’ve been trying to finish this post reviewing the new Fall TV shows, but that required watching 200 hours of television – not even counting my football games watching – and I just kept falling more and more behind. But I’m back and I’m sure you will agree, this post was TOTALLY worth the wait! TOTALLY! #Iwillcutyou

Two Broke Girls
This show offends me as a broke person, as a girl, as a watcher of television, and most, importantly, as a Brooklyn native. The set used for this show *supposedly* set in 2011 Brooklyn, looks like the shabby remnants of the Sanford and Son junkyard. On top of that, the premise that a Business school educated Paris Hilton type heiress has to wait tables at a diner and slum it in a basement studio with the wise cracking other “broke girl,” is beyond ridiculous. All the characters are horrible stereotypes and the writing is sloppy and unfunny. So, pretty much it’ll reign on CBS for the next twelve years.

Playboy Club
Oh, I heard this was already canceled. Boo. Why did I force myself to sit through that whole stupid episode?

Free Agents
This show has already been canceled too. And even though I watched all four episodes, I knew it would be canceled. It suffered from the common sitcom malady that the supporting cast was infinitely funnier and more interesting than the whiny, bland leads. There were some funny moments, like the “Dr. Hu,” schtick in episode 3. And it was awesome seeing Rupert Giles back on the telly.

Terra Nova
I like this show. I reserved judgment until I saw there was no huge drop off between the series premiere and the second episode, a la Lost. There wasn’t, in fact, it was even better. And considering a dinosaur eats a dude in the premiere THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING! The premise is that a hundred years in the future, the Earth is so polluted that there are Chinese like population controls in place everywhere, we all wear masks and the best shot for the future lies 500 billion years in the past. The lead family is a multi racial brood of five (in violation of the population rules.) white cop husband, Indian doctor wife, who gets chosen to go to Terra Nova. The colony is run by a John Locke type madman. There are rebels and his mysterious missing son who seems to lead them and of course, dinosaurs, yo! I totally understood all the science, so I immediately knew that all my sciency friends would hate the show.

Up All Night
Will Arnett lands on his feet after the Running Wilde debacle on Fox. Instead of Felicity, his female lead is the way funnier Christina Appelgate as his wife. He plays a stay at home dad to baby Amy. Appelgate is a TV producer for Maya Rudolph’s Oprahesque show “Ava.” Rudolph is the kooky, overbearing friend/boss who wants her friends back to their partying ways before baby Amy. There are power struggles. It’s more funny than not, but I doubt it lasts.

Charlie’s Angel
Did somebody say perposterous? I do not know why on God’s green dinosaur free earth, they would remake this show. The reason this and the Bionic Woman/Wonder Woman were so awesome in the 70s, was because there were no kick ass women on TV. So the men could drool over the hot babeness and the girls could be like “hey, I’m strong, hear me roar.” We’re beyond that now. Our female heros need more than a pretty faces and karate chops. And, boy, this show does NOT offer it. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The supposed “latina” speaks Spanish like a German. (Here, I’m assuming Germans speak Spanish poorly.) The first episode featured their take down of a Colombian overlord. Yeah, right.

A Gifted Mind
As you know, I am currently midlife crisising. A signature feature of my mid-life crisis, because I’m still a hypochondriac AND I have new health insurance, has been going to specialists to rule out conditions I’ve seen on television. (Funny posts about that to follow.) Anyway, I’ve been going to doctors nonstop for three weeks and have lots of experience with waiting rooms. So… when I watch this show about a highly succesful neurosurgeon who has dinner with his ex-wife, who is a community doctor for “the people.” But THEN it turns out SHE’S BEEN DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS! Dun dun dun. Blah blah blah, of course, she convinces him to go to her community center to get some files that she had hidden away and while he is down there a child goes into arrest and he has to rush the boy back to his fancy posh offices to work on him! *Of course* Anyway, I’m watching this thinking, dude THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH APPOINTMENTS WAITING! The show isn’t very good. I like the sassy secretary, but mostly this show was better when it was Eli Stone, cause at least then there were dance numbers!

Homeland
This show is intriguing. It follows a CIA agent who suspects that a recently released POW might actually be working for our Afghanistan enemies. But she is hiding a mental disorder that could get her kicked out of the CIA — or the disorder could be what’s making her paranoid and this POW guy is perfectly clean! It stars the alien ANNA from V as the POW’s wife who thought he was dead for 8 years and (of course) has been sleeping with his best friend. The male lead is the detective from Life. So far, it’s good.

Unforgettable
This show takes a 60 minutes segment about people with a rare recall ability, way too far. Evidently, this woman can see anything — a crime scene, a picture, a piece of paper, and remember it forever. Oh, and guess what? Her mom has Alzheimers! WHAT? TWIST! Meh. It’s okay. I’m sure I’ll stop watching very soon.

A Person of Interest
This show is about a billionaire who invented a matrix that compiles all the security videos and cookies and internet stuff and can figure out, based on patterns, that certain people are about to be involved in a crime. So he enlists a homeless man, who it turns out is a Navy Seal (groan) to help him save these people or arrest them, because he can’t figure out who will be the victim or the perpetrator, just that they’ll be involved. Yawn.

The New Girl
The problem with this show is the cast. The premise of a girl who breaks up with her boyfriend and moves in with three guys from Craig’s List is fine. But Zooey Deschanel is just NOT an ugly duckling, no matter how many random props they toss on her face. She’s a movie star. So, strike 1 & 2. I don’t buy her as the lost and quirky Jess AND I don’t believe she’ll stick around to do a sitcom on Fox for years and years. The men, except the one hapless romantic guy still in love with his ex girlfriend, ARE universally horrible. Heck, one dude already quit the show and they immediately replaced him with an equally horrible guy. That they are BOTH black, led to some twitter consternation a few days ago. Her best friend supermodel? Eye. Roll.

Ringer
I was SO excited about Sarah Michelle Gellar’s return to television. SO excited. I didn’t even read anything to find out what the show was about, I just jumped right in… well, it’s about twin sisters with a secret past and a complicated, deadly present… and one takes the other’s place, but the other is trying to make the world think she’s dead, so she puts a hit out on her sister and… sigh… I fear this show is not good… but I hate to see Buffy fail, so I watch and tell others to watch… because I am a terrible person.

Revenge
MAN, Sarah Michelle Gellar woulda been WAY better in this! It’s about a girl whose dad was setup 15 years ago who is out for…hold on, let me check my notes…oh yeah… REVENGE! Each week she takes out one more person who was part of the conspiracy lo those many years ago. The actress, best known as “Becca” on Brothers & Sisters, has about three facial expressions, but she makes do. It’s set in the Hamptons, and everything is all glamorous, so she gets by. I like the vibe of it — one vengeance scheme a week, all while the big kahuna lady has a feeling something’s not quite right with this girl, but can’t figure it out. My one huge problem is that, dude, it’s only been 15 years, could she really look SO different that NO ONE recognizes her as the daughter of this man they all obviously spent A LOT of time conspiring to royally screw over? I swear, my elementary school teachers would still recognize me, AND I’M middle aged!

Pan AM
I watched the premiere. Ugh. Basically, this movie is someone’s love letter to the olden days of women in girdles. But then, not to upset the feminist gals, they’ve thrown in a “and one of the stewardesses is also an international spy!” Boo. Yawn. Get Cristina Ricci’s agent on the line!

Prime Suspect
This is a reboot of the 1980s British series which starred Helen Mirren. I didn’t particularly care for that series, so I wandered warily into this one. But hey! Americans do it better! I like whatever her name is, not Mira Sorvino, but I keep calling her that…OH Maria Bello? She’s tough and funny and obviously catches the bad guys! Plus, she, like me, looks like a boss in a hat!

“Soft hearts of women”

I have a BILLION dollar idea for us! And I was inspired by this story about this dude beheading his mom while chanting bible verses: We open a law firm dedicated to defending people who get caught by earthly law enforcement while fighting supernatural phenomena!

The business from Sam and Dean ALONE…

And yes, I totally know the difference between real life and TV. TOTALLY!

Oh my! It’s almost Halloween and I haven’t given you my take on the 2010 television landscape! Color me forgetful!

Well, let’s get to it, this might be in a weird NBC, Fox, ABC, CBS, CW order because that’s how I copied and pasted them from the sites. Also, I must say, I feel like I’m no longer watching that much TV…scary, I know. But in my defense, I watch a lot of poker and football shows that aren’t represented in this lineup.

And no, I still don’t watch reality shows. If I want reality I will leave my house and volunteer at a homeless shelter. Or adopt a child.

30 Rock

Ah, the gang’s back! Liz, Trace, Jack, Jenna and even Kenneth who was fired at the end of last season and began this season working at CBS. Sigh, it’s not as great as the first two seasons, but it’s still better than most of the crap out there AND the live episode made my week. Not that alcoholism is funny. And not that I’m an alcoholic.

Chase

I had high hopes for this show. Well, except for the lead being a skinny blond woman, I like law enforcement shows where the lead is a strong woman. Sadly, this show is terrible. I watched one episode and it took three vodka snow cones for me to make it through. Or I should say, I had three vodka snow cones because I would pause it when I got bored and would go make another one. It’s a whole thing…wait, where was I…don’t watch this show, it’s bad and annoying and frankly, a little bit racist. And I repeat, I am NOT an alcoholic.

Chuck

How is Chuck still on the air? HOW?? I don’t get it? Bionic Woman, Life, the Nine…(hmm…I forgot to make my annual Fisch bet this year…) they all die, BUT CHUCK LIVES? There is no TV God. Alceste says he thinks this season is better than the last, I guess that’s true, but only because last season SUCKED HAIRY…um…there is no non gross way to end that sentence, is there? I apologize. I do love Linda Hamilton. Though…man, she has NOT aged well. Sad face.

Community

I don’t think I’ve blogged about how much I enjoy this show, though I tweet the sentiment quite often. I know not many people watch. In fact, last year I wrote that I thought it was okay, but was certain it would be canceled. I was wrong. After a few anemic episodes, this show came into its own with one of the funniest 22 minutes ever aired on TV with last year’s paintball episode. This year has picked right up where last season left off, with an awesome Betty White cameo AND a hilarious “simulated rocket launch.” I didn’t much care for the last episode, but with a show as tongue-in-cheek as Community, when they hit, they hit and when they miss…well, you still have the paintball episode saved on your DVR.

Law and Order: Los Angeles

I HATE THIS SHOW. I HATE THE COPS. I HATE THE STORYLINES. I HATE THE SETTING. I HATE….THE INTRO. I wish I could take credit for this, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was off about it until I read the following tweet from @basseyworldlive “These are some happy ass murders.” Precisely. The show is colored wrong, the dialogue is off, at no point do you BELIEVE that these actors are law or order! Blah. Terrible. Bring back the New York one, at least those bodies looked real.

Law and Order: SVU

Great double header to open the season, guest starring Malcolm from Lost as a suspect with a TWIST! Now, see? THIS is a Law and Order! Murders, victims, blood, PERPS! TWISTS! Aww, I’m home again.

The Office

Last season was SO bad, I was going to quit. Also, I HATE Erin and her stupid mousey face…but then, I dunno, they’ve regained something this season. That episode where Jim was going to keep adding keys to Dwight’s ring…classic! Reminded me of the good old days of Jim pranks before the crap about Sabre buying them out. I like the Office when they stick to plausible office scenarios, but are funny about it. Michael having to go to Toby for counseling? PERFECT. I’m back.

Outsourced

Look, on the one hand, this show is awful. On the other hand, do you want to be responsible for 12 Indian from India actors losing their jobs? Okay then.

Undercovers

Please, see what I wrote for Outsourced, but change Indian from India to black and 12 to three.

Bones

Yay! I love Bones. I love the characters, I love the storylines, I love the murders, and I love the solutions. I hate Booth’s new girlfriend. If they would just kill her off and have Bones solve the murder, I’d be cool. How great was the David Allen Grier guest spot??? A-MAY-ZING!

Family Guy

I still DVR this. But I still have episodes saved from last season that I haven’t finished. This show is the very definition of hit or miss. When it’s great, I don’t want to miss out, but when it bites, I can’t get through it and they just pile up.

Fringe

This is clearly the show’s best season. They have their footing, but I am still skeptical about their ability to pull off this double Olivia stuff…especially since Olivia is my least favorite character. But, at least we also kinda get double Walter. I’m in wait and see mode, if they cop out or shank it, I’m definitely quitting the show this season. Definitely! Ooh and Bubbles from The Wire should come back AND QUICK!

Glee

They sing, they dance, there’s a lot of drama set to music and costumes! They had me at “sing.” If you love Broadway and TV, this is the show for you. Also, Sue Sylvester might be one of the greatest TV characters ever. If you don’t love Broadway and TV, well, I feel sorry for you, cause you’re going to burn in hell. What? It’s in the bible. Like toward the back part.

House

Me no likey House and the boss lady being in a relationship. Me really no likey how explicit and prominent those scenes have been. Sadly, I’ll be even more pissed if they break them up. Really, I need them to be together, but have the show never mention it. Ever.

Lie To Me

Sigh. Sometimes this show is great. Sometimes it’s dumb. Like when a bunch of guys are stuck in a mine, but they don’t call engineers to get them out, NO! They CALL CAL LIGHTMAN! Cause he can read faces and get to the truth. Dude. They need a drill and a pulley, rat’s ass about the truth. And this happens A LOT. A Dude drives up to the White House with a bomb…no bomb squad…Lightman Group! COME ON! Also, I don’t get why they fired the black FBI guy. Annoying.

Raising Hope

I really should have put this show first. IT’S BRILLIANT, TOUCHING, HILARIOUS, GENIUS, PERFECT. It’s about a guy who has a one night stand with a serial killer, she is sentenced to death row, finds out she’s pregnant and when she’s executed, the guy is given custody of the baby. Of course, he’s a loser who lives at home with his parents. I laugh so hard when I watch this show, I have to rewind it because I’ve missed stuff. I love it so much, I didn’t even notice that there are no black in it till right this minute. GO WATCH! RIGHT NOW! ALL THE EPS ARE ONLINE AT FOX.COM. No, I’ll wait. GO!

Running Wilde

Um…see what I said about Raising Hope? Take the opposite of all that. He plays a really rich guy trying to impress his hippie ex-girlfriend and her daughter. Blah. Suck. It’s a real shame too because Will Arnett can be funny.

The Simpsons

The Simpsons will always be the Simpsons. The Lisa coaches Bart’s baseball team episode will be a classic.

Shit My Dad Says

I thought the show about a son that has to move back home with his ornery cranky dad was okay. I laughed. It’s not awesome, but it’s a solid “Meh.” And for a CBS comedy, well, that’s like an Emmy. However, since CBS doesn’t offer the episodes online for free, I can no longer watch it. Oh well.

Blue Bloods

Good to see Tom Brady’s baby mama can still get employment. But, this show about a rabble of Irish working cops is SO formulaic, I feel like I’m in high school physics class. Oh snap! See what I did there? I watched the premiere, never watched again.

CSI

OH MY GOSH, you guys, I QUIT CSI! I don’t even record them anymore! This and Smallville are the only two shows that are still airing that I “used to watch”! Who’s proud of me?

The Defenders

I watched the first episode of this show about two Las Vegas defense attorneys. The law? ALL WRONG. It was mildly amusing, but Jerry O’Connell is TV show death, so I won’t bother watching it again. NO way it lasts. (Dawn has pretty much just guaranteed syndication.)

The Good Wife

I’m glad I didn’t quit this show when I said that I would! It’s SOOO good. Mr. Big is still not that big a part of the show, which is boss because I hate him, but the other characters: Calinda, the PI, Alicia, the cheated on wife, the partners…oh so so good! You should be watching. And heck, you can pick it up right in the middle…so start watching!

Hawaii Five-O

I like this show. It’s a cop show, it’s set in Hawaii. It’s been uneven so far…hated the gun running storyline, loved the hostage taking storyline…Lines. They had two back to back…but I’ll be interested to see if they do more back storytelling rather than “crime of the weeks.”

The Mentalist

Last year, I thought I loved this show, then I started watching Castle and I see how derivative The Mentalist is…I’ll probably quit it soon, if they don’t go back to letting the Mentalist search for his wife’s killer. There are too many “crimes of the week” shows out there that do it so much better than The Mentalist. Let Jane be unique and maybe I’ll get back into it. Also, why CBS doesn’t offer episodes of this show online, I can’t understand. It’s driving me batty since my DVR missed the first episode of the season. However, the fact that it hasn’t changed my understanding of anything…well, bad sign.

Mike & Molly

I watched the first two episodes of this sitcom about “Plus-sized love.” But that’s all it was, fat joke after fat joke. Blah.

Brothers & Sisters

I have been promising to quit this show for three seasons. But I mean it this time, I’m done with the annoying limousine liberal Walker clan! Totally! Done. I’m leaving! For real this time!

Castle

I love Castle! I love his face, and his words and his mom and his house and his job. And I love Beckett and the other cops and I love their crimes. I HATE HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND. Well, and his daughter, but that sounds kinda mean to say…so…I HATE HIS GIRLFRIEND! This show is so funny and witty, I could watch it for hours and hours…and have!

Cougartown

DON’T JUDGE ME! It’s funny! I swear. I KNOW I KNOW…it just is. The cast and the writing…dude, what can I say. It’s funny.

Desperate Housewives

Sigh. I was SO excited to see Vanessa Williams join the cast… but the writers have already let me down. Why would she BE CHASING a contractor! AND WHY WOULD SHE GIVE UP? VOMIT. Vanessa Williams is amazing, she deserves better than the crap treatment black women get on network television. And fuck is up with replacing Gabrielle’s fat daughter with a skinny one? This show is doing the MOST to make me hate myself! But it won’t work! I have self esteem! You hear that MARC CHERRY! I love my fat black woman self and you can’t stop me!

Detroit 187

This show had a chance to really stand out. It could have done an amazing episode…instead, it copped out and is now just an okay cop show. I don’t really get the point of it – I mean, they have solved every homicide so far, but my sense about real Detroit homicides, is that the problem is they keep racking them up, but they never solve them…am I wrong? Plus, the scenery is so damn depressing.

Grey’s Anatomy

This season is so weak. Yet, I am so invested in these characters that I still cry almost every episode. I’m a sap. But if you aren’t also already similarly invested, there’s no need to start watching. Unless, you’re gonna rent all the past seasons…which are awesomesauce!

The Middle

I go back and forth on this show. You should know I HATE Patricia Heaton. But I kinda like the Janitor and I love the kids, so…I watch. It makes me laugh. I’m not saying you need to watch though…

Modern Family

I am MAD at this show right now. Making fun of Tom Brady getting hurt… THE DAMN HELL ASS NERVE! But it’s usually pretty hilarious, so I will assume someone just had an off day. I will recommend this show…but I’m keeping my eye on it! Hear that? Modern Family? WATCH Yourselves!

My Generation

I actually liked this show. However, since the “documentary” about ten kids who graduated high school in 2000, has already been canceled, not much more needs to be said. Plus, it did kinda make me feel old.

No Ordinary Family

THIS SHOW IS SOOOOOO TERRIBLE. I MEAN CRINGE TERRIBLE. Like you watch them and you can actually see them thinking “oh, I need to act all upset now, so I will contort my face in an upset manner” ARRRGGHHH. I JUST DON’T GET IT. Superpowers are supposed to make a show cool, these idiots find a way to make them make the show WORSE. CANCEL THIS! PLEASE! Or recast it…I known some Indian from India actors that may need work soon.

Private Practice

This is another one of my about to be cut shows. I do not like what they’ve done with Dell or Maya or Sam or Naomi in the last 15 episodes. I’m actually all kinds of mad. Do not start watching this show under any circumstances. Or rent the old DVDs. See? Told ya I was mad.

Gossip Girl

So far, this season is better than the last. I like the Blair/Chuck feud. I find Serena and Dan increasingly annoying, but I’ll still watch for the snappy angry dialogue.

Life Unexpected

Cute show. I still watch. It may be on the verge of jumping the proverbial shark with this teacher/student love affair thing… And then I’ll stop. It already takes all I have to remember that I watch. If it starts being gross, I’m out like sprout.

Vampire Diaries

This is currently my favorite drama. I know, everyone is over the vampire thing…but they somehow make it new and fresh and funny and deliciously evil again. It’s set in a small town called Mystic Falls and there are two brothers, who are both vampires because they both fell in love with the same woman 175 years ago AND SHE WAS A VAMPIRE AND TURNED THEM! AND NOW in present day there is a young high school girl that LOOKS just like THAT VAMP! And no one knows WHY! Okay, that may sound weird, but I promise, it’s good.

Empire Boardwalk

Four episodes in and I don’t know what or why I’m watching. But I’ll keep watching cause it’s HBO and I REFUSE to be all left out of the “hype” again like with Dexter and Mad Men. I will suffer through because I am desperate to be cool. Wait…I don’t think I’m supposed to admit that… fucking Marc Cherry is inside my head!!