Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for the 'Television' Category

Released Development

Tuesday, May 28th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

When I thought about writing this post about Season Four of Arrested Development, I planned to be exceedingly negative. I thumbed through the thesaurus of my imagination for synonyms of bad (At first, I wrote “bad synonyms,” but that conjured images of bad synonyms like gruel for food or Tyler Perry for screenwriter, so I changed it to synonyms of bad, hmm… perhaps synonyms for bad would be better. Basically, I was just going to combine the word suck with other words, i.e. sucktocracy, sucklandish, Count Suckula, it’s an imagination, after all, there’s no *actual* thesaurus there. (You get the post for free, the behind-the-scenes glimpse into my writing process are extra. *points arrow at paypal button*)

However, as I read the many internet reviews to come way before mine, written by people who, what’s the word, “are paid to do such things in a timely fashion,” (That’s ten words, Dawn. Shut up, Count Suckula, nobody asked you!) I realized that EVERYBODY was being exceedingly negative. And since, by nature, I like to stand out, now I’m just going to be a regular amount of negative.

Over at grantland, they’ve decided to have Ana Marie Cox watch the episodes one at a time and write weekly reviews. In my best Gob voice “*snorts* The girl with the FOUR THOUSAND DOLLAR FLATSCREEN, the thirty dollar a month netflix subscription AND NO LIFE is going is going IS GOING *snorts* TO TO TO WAIT FIFTEEN WEEKS to finish a season of television??! COME ON!”

Good luck with that, Grantland.

I will admit that, for some reason, I thought there were only 13 episodes, so when I finished episode 13 and Netflix gave me the “next episode will start in 19 seconds” prompt, I screamed NOOOOO and began to cry. However, Ana Marie’s “ho hum” reception of the first episode is also why I couldn’t stop after one. (Though, I will say that Kristen Wiig is PERFECTION! I laughed and laughed at her character. er… with? Whatever the good one is.)

“THE FUCK WAS THAT?”

I thought as I waited the 19 seconds for episode two.

“HUH?”

I queried as I waited for episode three.

“I WILL NOT THROW THIS CONTROLLER TO THE GROUND IN ANGER”

I swore as I waited for episode four.

“FUCK”

I thought as I collected the batteries that scattered across my hardwood floor after throwing the controller to the ground in anger, waiting for episode five.

WHY LORD WHY?

Was the reaction before episode six.

OK, this is my absolute last one, I can’t take it anymore was my reaction while I waited for episode seven.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH “scooping mice out of the sea” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT. WAS. AWESOME. IMMA WATCH THAT AGAIN!

Episode seven was the best one.

Then it goes Okay, Bad, Great, Okay, Good, Okay (crying because I thought it was over), Great(ZOMG, Glad they didn’t end on that!), Meh (REALLY??? *THAT’S* what they ended on????)

If you’re a fan of the show, you’re going to watch the new season. And really, unless you’re signing up for Netflix *just* for this (Ed note: DO NOT sign up to Netflix just for this) you’ve already paid for it, so whatever. But there’s no need to watch all fifteen like immediately; though, one a week is wrong too. I’d do four or five, but the first six are not great and will FEEL like you’ve just watched 30 of them. I guess it could have been worse. No, correction, I’m SURE it could have been worse.

Tyler Perry could have written some of them. Or acted in some of them.

Head hits desk

Friday, April 26th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

It took me TWO YEARS, but I finally finished the UK Prime Suspect series and season one of Treme. I don’t recommend either.

It’s been a long time…

Thursday, January 24th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Whenever I start watching a new show, I like to play a game.

“Where have I seen that actor before”?

I used to be really good at this. In the last ten years, my skills, thanks to imdb, have fallen off considerably, but I still try.

Anyway, so there I am watching “The Following,” and the one surviving victim looked really familiar, but I couldn’t figure it out. When I imdb’d it, turns out, she was Maggie Grace! BALLS! I totes should have gotten that one!

So, I decided to be really strict with myself, like can’t look it up for a day. The black guy detective I recognize, but he’s one of those actors I ALWAYS confuse with another actor. Tell me these two men are different. I DARE YOU. I know, I know #races.

Anyway, once I got it down to “the guy from Dexter/True Blood” I count it as gotten.

THEN the white FBI detective looked really familiar, so I worked on figuring that one out. BOOM. GOT IT.

Jimmy Olsen from Smallville, Aaron Ashmore! I go to check and imdb says I’M WRONG! WWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT?????

Annoyed, AND POSITIVE THAT IMDB IS WRONG, cause DUDE, I AM POSITIVE, I go to the following characters list and look for the guy’s name. Still nothing. I sigh and give up.

When I went to check that I got the stupid ex-wife from Justified right, I notice the name Shawn Ashmore! Heeeeyyy, what’s going on here?! Did that negro change his name?

I check and NOPE. TWINS! THEY’RE FREAKING TWINS. EVEN WORSE? THEY’RE FREAKING CANADIAN TWINS!

NEWMAN!

Also, that totally counts as me being right!

HMPH.

Canada.

Mad Men funny

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Mr Price: Gentlemen, I’m not sure you are aware, but England won the world cup.

Roger: Cup of what?

Not so random question

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Why is Mad Men so boring?

Aww maaaaannn

Tuesday, March 6th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Terra Nova gets the axe.

Sigh. At least I still have GCB. O_O

via Fisch

House is FINALLY ending!

Thursday, February 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

SANKS GOD! GEEZ. We know, IT’S NOT SARCOIDOSIS! IT’S NEVER SARCOIDOSIS!

Television Reviews

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Oh, my poor neglected blog commenters! I am so sorry! I’ve been trying to finish this post reviewing the new Fall TV shows, but that required watching 200 hours of television – not even counting my football games watching – and I just kept falling more and more behind. But I’m back and I’m sure you will agree, this post was TOTALLY worth the wait! TOTALLY! #Iwillcutyou

Two Broke Girls
This show offends me as a broke person, as a girl, as a watcher of television, and most, importantly, as a Brooklyn native. The set used for this show *supposedly* set in 2011 Brooklyn, looks like the shabby remnants of the Sanford and Son junkyard. On top of that, the premise that a Business school educated Paris Hilton type heiress has to wait tables at a diner and slum it in a basement studio with the wise cracking other “broke girl,” is beyond ridiculous. All the characters are horrible stereotypes and the writing is sloppy and unfunny. So, pretty much it’ll reign on CBS for the next twelve years.

Playboy Club
Oh, I heard this was already canceled. Boo. Why did I force myself to sit through that whole stupid episode?

Free Agents
This show has already been canceled too. And even though I watched all four episodes, I knew it would be canceled. It suffered from the common sitcom malady that the supporting cast was infinitely funnier and more interesting than the whiny, bland leads. There were some funny moments, like the “Dr. Hu,” schtick in episode 3. And it was awesome seeing Rupert Giles back on the telly.

Terra Nova
I like this show. I reserved judgment until I saw there was no huge drop off between the series premiere and the second episode, a la Lost. There wasn’t, in fact, it was even better. And considering a dinosaur eats a dude in the premiere THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING! The premise is that a hundred years in the future, the Earth is so polluted that there are Chinese like population controls in place everywhere, we all wear masks and the best shot for the future lies 500 billion years in the past. The lead family is a multi racial brood of five (in violation of the population rules.) white cop husband, Indian doctor wife, who gets chosen to go to Terra Nova. The colony is run by a John Locke type madman. There are rebels and his mysterious missing son who seems to lead them and of course, dinosaurs, yo! I totally understood all the science, so I immediately knew that all my sciency friends would hate the show.

Up All Night
Will Arnett lands on his feet after the Running Wilde debacle on Fox. Instead of Felicity, his female lead is the way funnier Christina Appelgate as his wife. He plays a stay at home dad to baby Amy. Appelgate is a TV producer for Maya Rudolph’s Oprahesque show “Ava.” Rudolph is the kooky, overbearing friend/boss who wants her friends back to their partying ways before baby Amy. There are power struggles. It’s more funny than not, but I doubt it lasts.

Charlie’s Angel
Did somebody say perposterous? I do not know why on God’s green dinosaur free earth, they would remake this show. The reason this and the Bionic Woman/Wonder Woman were so awesome in the 70s, was because there were no kick ass women on TV. So the men could drool over the hot babeness and the girls could be like “hey, I’m strong, hear me roar.” We’re beyond that now. Our female heros need more than a pretty faces and karate chops. And, boy, this show does NOT offer it. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The supposed “latina” speaks Spanish like a German. (Here, I’m assuming Germans speak Spanish poorly.) The first episode featured their take down of a Colombian overlord. Yeah, right.

A Gifted Mind
As you know, I am currently midlife crisising. A signature feature of my mid-life crisis, because I’m still a hypochondriac AND I have new health insurance, has been going to specialists to rule out conditions I’ve seen on television. (Funny posts about that to follow.) Anyway, I’ve been going to doctors nonstop for three weeks and have lots of experience with waiting rooms. So… when I watch this show about a highly succesful neurosurgeon who has dinner with his ex-wife, who is a community doctor for “the people.” But THEN it turns out SHE’S BEEN DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS! Dun dun dun. Blah blah blah, of course, she convinces him to go to her community center to get some files that she had hidden away and while he is down there a child goes into arrest and he has to rush the boy back to his fancy posh offices to work on him! *Of course* Anyway, I’m watching this thinking, dude THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH APPOINTMENTS WAITING! The show isn’t very good. I like the sassy secretary, but mostly this show was better when it was Eli Stone, cause at least then there were dance numbers!

Homeland
This show is intriguing. It follows a CIA agent who suspects that a recently released POW might actually be working for our Afghanistan enemies. But she is hiding a mental disorder that could get her kicked out of the CIA — or the disorder could be what’s making her paranoid and this POW guy is perfectly clean! It stars the alien ANNA from V as the POW’s wife who thought he was dead for 8 years and (of course) has been sleeping with his best friend. The male lead is the detective from Life. So far, it’s good.

Unforgettable
This show takes a 60 minutes segment about people with a rare recall ability, way too far. Evidently, this woman can see anything — a crime scene, a picture, a piece of paper, and remember it forever. Oh, and guess what? Her mom has Alzheimers! WHAT? TWIST! Meh. It’s okay. I’m sure I’ll stop watching very soon.

A Person of Interest
This show is about a billionaire who invented a matrix that compiles all the security videos and cookies and internet stuff and can figure out, based on patterns, that certain people are about to be involved in a crime. So he enlists a homeless man, who it turns out is a Navy Seal (groan) to help him save these people or arrest them, because he can’t figure out who will be the victim or the perpetrator, just that they’ll be involved. Yawn.

The New Girl
The problem with this show is the cast. The premise of a girl who breaks up with her boyfriend and moves in with three guys from Craig’s List is fine. But Zooey Deschanel is just NOT an ugly duckling, no matter how many random props they toss on her face. She’s a movie star. So, strike 1 & 2. I don’t buy her as the lost and quirky Jess AND I don’t believe she’ll stick around to do a sitcom on Fox for years and years. The men, except the one hapless romantic guy still in love with his ex girlfriend, ARE universally horrible. Heck, one dude already quit the show and they immediately replaced him with an equally horrible guy. That they are BOTH black, led to some twitter consternation a few days ago. Her best friend supermodel? Eye. Roll.

Ringer
I was SO excited about Sarah Michelle Gellar’s return to television. SO excited. I didn’t even read anything to find out what the show was about, I just jumped right in… well, it’s about twin sisters with a secret past and a complicated, deadly present… and one takes the other’s place, but the other is trying to make the world think she’s dead, so she puts a hit out on her sister and… sigh… I fear this show is not good… but I hate to see Buffy fail, so I watch and tell others to watch… because I am a terrible person.

Revenge
MAN, Sarah Michelle Gellar woulda been WAY better in this! It’s about a girl whose dad was setup 15 years ago who is out for…hold on, let me check my notes…oh yeah… REVENGE! Each week she takes out one more person who was part of the conspiracy lo those many years ago. The actress, best known as “Becca” on Brothers & Sisters, has about three facial expressions, but she makes do. It’s set in the Hamptons, and everything is all glamorous, so she gets by. I like the vibe of it — one vengeance scheme a week, all while the big kahuna lady has a feeling something’s not quite right with this girl, but can’t figure it out. My one huge problem is that, dude, it’s only been 15 years, could she really look SO different that NO ONE recognizes her as the daughter of this man they all obviously spent A LOT of time conspiring to royally screw over? I swear, my elementary school teachers would still recognize me, AND I’M middle aged!

Pan AM
I watched the premiere. Ugh. Basically, this movie is someone’s love letter to the olden days of women in girdles. But then, not to upset the feminist gals, they’ve thrown in a “and one of the stewardesses is also an international spy!” Boo. Yawn. Get Cristina Ricci’s agent on the line!

Prime Suspect
This is a reboot of the 1980s British series which starred Helen Mirren. I didn’t particularly care for that series, so I wandered warily into this one. But hey! Americans do it better! I like whatever her name is, not Mira Sorvino, but I keep calling her that…OH Maria Bello? She’s tough and funny and obviously catches the bad guys! Plus, she, like me, looks like a boss in a hat!

Game of Thrones (spoiler alert)

Wednesday, July 6th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

“Soft hearts of women”

Dear Gib,

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010 by Dawn Summers

I have a BILLION dollar idea for us! And I was inspired by this story about this dude beheading his mom while chanting bible verses: We open a law firm dedicated to defending people who get caught by earthly law enforcement while fighting supernatural phenomena!

The business from Sam and Dean ALONE…

And yes, I totally know the difference between real life and TV. TOTALLY!