Clareified

The reading this Sunday was a passage from the Olden Times Bible, the wrathy fire and brimstone part. David is chillin in his palace and he’s all victorious in battles and being fed grapes by wenches and he thinks to himself, you know, I should build a temple or something for God, you know, a little shout out for all he’s done for me. And he tells one of his henchmen to write that down and make it happen. Upon seeing David’s to-do list, God — in his wrathy and fire brimstony way — is all “fuck yo, couch, David! Like I need your ole shepard ass to build ME a house! I BUILD THE HOUSES! Your WHOLE LIFE IS MY HOUSE, NEGRO!”

Why is this post shaping up to be Dawn’s Hip Hop Bible Study… anyhoo.

The priest’s homily focused on how we shouldn’t be carving out spaces for God in our lives. It should all be integrated. God should be where we are. Naturally, as it was Sunday afternoon, this got me thinking about Tim Tebow.

I can say this now, because one Thomas Edward Patrick Jr, has vanguished the Broncos and won yet another AFC East championship title, but I like Tim Tebow. He seems, by all accounts, to be a genuinely humble kid of faith. He embraces abstinence and praises Jesus during every interview — not amorphous “God,” but Jesus Jesus. He seems to truly view his whole life — from couldve been aborted fetus to Heismann winner to NFL starting quarterback as a blessing. His on field praying has become a nationwide sensation known as “Tebowing.” And somehow, someway this scrappy Christian boy has taken his team from the cellar of their division to the cusp of a division title. Naturally, the backlash has been swift and harsh.

And I get the hate — Tebow supporters have gone a tad batty with their “GOD FAVORS THE BRONCOS” – As if… every kid knows that pets don’t go to heaven because God hates animals. And I swear, I might punch Skip Bayless in the face if he does one more “I can’t explain Tim Tebow’s awesome” screed and then looks skyward. Douche.

But, on the surface of it, I think Tim Tebow is a positive. He hasn’t become a story because of a sextape, he isn’t a showy athlete all pretending to put on a boxing championship belt for every stupid good play like a stupid moron inferior loser quarterback who gets concussed putting on his helmet. I wish him well and hope he has a great game this sunday. And not just because I’m picking his Broncos in my football pool. Cause that would be gambling and gambling is wrong.

*Whistles*

*Tebows*

Nassau votes down proposal to refurbish Islander rink. My officemate is pissed, but I say, if the Rangers have to play in the cracktacular Garden, the Islanders shouldn’t get anything better.

UNIONDALE, N.Y. — Nassau County voters, who pay among the highest local taxes in the nation, handily defeated a contentious proposal on Monday to spend $400 million to overhaul the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum, the outdated home of the New York Islanders hockey club.

With 82 percent of the ballots counted late Monday, the vote was about 57 percent to 43 percent against borrowing the money through a general obligation bond to pay for the plan, which also called for construction of a minor-league baseball park and convention space. The results marked an enormous defeat for Charles E. Wang, the owner of the Islanders, who had sought a new or refurbished arena for nearly a decade.

“I have to tell you I’m disappointed, and to put it very bluntly, I’m heartbroken,” Mr. Wang said. He said he would not discuss his next move.

Dedicated to my New York Rangers, who probably play their last game of the season today:

We were young and strong
We were runnin’ against the wind

So…um…you remember Miss Havisham?

Yeah. That.

I’ll be sitting here in my Rangers snuggie staring at the blank TV screen for the next two days.

What the fuck is that?! One minute you’re sitting there all biting your nails and looking at the clock, the next second the coach is all walking back to the lockerroom and lights are flashing. Hell is the point of having a clock if the clock doesn’t even matter? NOTHING MATTERS! LA LA LA LA and then a sniper shoots you in the head.

You have no idea from which direction the end will come. Or when. It’s SICK, I TELL YA! SIIICKK!!!!!!

I’m convinced that there used to be tons of black hockey fans and players and then playoff hockey came around and they all succombed to stress induced heart ailments. Why are Vinny and Mark trying to kill me?

Why?

In the words of the immortal Phil Collins:

You know I love you, but I just can’t take this

*Puts chain on door*

*Unplugs TV*

She was probably watching that game too.

Alex is giving the Caps the finger.

Let’s Go Rangers!

THAT’S ME! THAT’S ME!

I love this shot: Can you see the Patriots hoodie underneath?

I shoulda put on my Mets cap!

Oh, and turns out I was a totally good shut in. I was supposed to go to AC with Alceste and Mary, but got trapped at work till 10 pm Friday, then woke up Saturday with a wretched stomache. In retrospect, it was probably just nerves, cause as soon as Carolina bit the big one, I was dancing all around and feeling fine.

No. Really. NOT.

It started off as a way to kill time before watching some Monday Night Football. I had picked up dinner at my favorite Caribbean food place and flipped on the Rangers game. They were leading the Pittsburgh Penguins 1-0 with 11 minutes to go. An eternity.

The announcers seemed downright glum that the Penguins guy, Crosby, known to all Americans as “son of Satan” for crushing the US Olympic gold medal dreams, hadn’t scored at all. “Crosby seems frustrated out there.” They’d say over and over again. The Penguins were also at home, so the unlikeliness of a Rangers shutout win was even more…er…unlikely?

The Penguins kept hammering shots at the Rangers goal. The goalie, Lundquist…possibly spelled with a V, laughed in their faces. He caught the puck with his hand. With his leg. With his teeth.

7 minutes.

A Pittsburgh guy shoved Staal into the goal. Staal turned around and punched him in the face.

Both got penalties. The announcers say the Penguins will get the better of this matchup. Staal is the best defender the Rangers have.

6 minutes.

Lundquist still flawless.

5 minutes. Everyone back on the ice.

And then, OH MY GOD!!!

There’s a penalty called away from the puck AT THE SAME EXACT MOMENT the puck richochets off Girardi’s stick and cuts his face. He’s down. BLOOD IS POURING OUT OF HIS FACE ONTO THE ICE. A fountain of blood.

They help him off. A pint of his blood stays behind. The penalty was on the Rangers. They’re down to four men against the Penguins five AND they’ve lost Girardi.

The announcers say for sure, it’s over.

4 minutes.

Lundquist is fighting off Penguin shots from the left, the right, behind him. He holds them.

3 minutes. It’s getting messy. Girardi’s blood is now everywhere. Lundquist fixes the strap on his skate; he shakes off a layer of bloody ice.

Play resumes. Penguins have 30 seconds more of their one man advantage. Rangers are back at full strength! They did it! They’ve held them and …. NOOOOO….. Lundquist deflected the puck, but it gets rebounded over his head and into the net. The Penguins have tied it.

This game is going to overt…NOOOOOOO…

The Penguins fire on the goal again, Lundquist misjudges. He goes left, the puck goes right. Penguins have the lead now. Their whole arena explodes with cheers. The lights are flashing and the whistles are blowing to signal a Penguin score. Lundquist is pissed. He shatters his stick in anger. Rangers draw another penalty.

Less than a minute and a half left. Rangers down a man. The game is over. So very sad.

AND THEN… WHAM… STAAL fires a shot into the Penguins net! RANGERS TIE IT UP!!! OH MY GOD!!! I can’t breathe. I have completely forgotten about my food AND football.

I hate Crosby sooo muuuccchhhh!!!! We have to win! WE HAVE TO!

Game goes into overtime. Stupid VinNay texts me “Sabres won in overtime! How about your Rangers?”

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!”

GIRARDI COMES BACK OUT!! They’ve stitched his face together with duct tape! I can’t believe it.

Penguins shoot…REJECTED.

Back up the ice… AND BOOOOOMMMMMM RANGERS WIN IN SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME!!!!

And that ladies and gentlemen, was that.

As a Rangers fan and a Patriots fan, I now declare Pittsburgh OWNED! It is now called Clarelandia.

SPIKE IT!

You’re welcome. Now, who’s getting me my Rangers heritage jersey?

or was it Sunday?

“Everybody keeps talking about Chris Bosh like he’s so great. But no one has ever seen him play! He played in Canada for SEVEN YEARS! Who the hell knows what goes on in Toronto?” – guy at my poker table