Clareified

Those days are gone forever; I should just let 'em go but…

Archive for the 'Personal' Category

April movie reviews

Friday, April 11th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

I’ve been writing monthly movie reviews for too long, I’m literally cycling through old titles now…but here we go!

Austenland


This movie is a modern day update of the Pride and Prejudice story. Homely spinster (eyeroll) Kerri Russell is all thirty and unmarried, so she spends her life savings to go to “Austenland,” a live action reenactment of Jane Austen’s ubiquitous love story. It’s okay.


At Middleton


Um… the lady from the Bates Motel TV show and Andy Garcia are polar opposites taking their teens on a campus visit to Middleton. She drives him crazy with her interrupting and he makes her nuts with his uptightness! Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Meh. It’s okay.


The Incredible Burt Wonderstone


Um… that guy from the Office and Steve Buscemi are partners in a Las Vegas magic show, but after ten years together, and a hot new magic act, Jim Carrey, breathing down their necks, they try to shake things up, but it all falls apart and James Gandolfini fires them. It’s okay.


For a Good Time, Call
UGH. I have this “no live action movie under 90 minutes is any good” rule. This piece of garbage is 84 minutes. It’s hot garbage. Two women — one a bootleg Bette Midler– start a sex hotline together. Are there even still sex hotlines out there? So DUMB.


Save the Date


Hmm…I cannot remember what this movie is about…OH. Two sisters are planning the older sister’s wedding. She is uptight, younger sister is flighty. Hinjinks, as they say, ensue. It was good.


The Sessions


This movie is about a handicapped man hiring a sex counselor to teach him how to have sex even though he’s paralyzed from the neck down. I have no idea why I rented this, but I did…and I watched it and it was exactly what it said it would be. His confidante through the whole process is a roman catholic priest, so I didn’t like that, as, well…I don’t think a roman catholic priest would do such a thing.


Smashed


Um… I don’t know why crack is making this big comeback in stories about middle class white people, but here we are. This movie is about a young couple who go out and get loaded every night, but when the woman half of the couple yarfs in front of her kindergarten class and has to fake being pregnant to explain away her party foul, she decides to go to AA and clean up her act. Also, she smokes crack.


Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
I didn’t learn much about apartheid or Nelson Mandela from this movie– which is odd considering it’s asposed to be about Nelson Mandela’s long walk to freedom from *apartheid.* I was fascinated, though, by the character of Winnie Mandela. First off, she is portrayed as an aggressor, both in the courtship AND in the “struggle.” Also, the make up people do not age her *at all* until the very last scene after Nelson has left her. I think we’re supposed to ”
feel sorry for her” but I mostly felt ashamed of the men around her who couldn’t support her. I don’t know the real life story of how she ended up jailed for corruption and whatnot, but I’m suddenly much more interested in the “Winnie Mandela: Long Walk to Vilification” story.


Sarafina


I’ve seen this movie like ten times (and I saw the off broadway show when I was a kid.) I love it. Everyone should see it. I learn new things about apartheid every time I watch it. Great movie. PLUS: SINGING AND DANCING!


Total Recall


I watched the original, with the former Governor of California, a couple of years ago (oh, not with him, starring him. I have never met the former Governor, nor been alone with him, I won’t be taking any more questions, this press conference is OVER.) and I fell asleep. I don’t know why I rented the remake cause I also fell asleep during it. Total Recall is just a boring premise for a movie.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower


I think I’m officially too old for these “coming of age” movies about tortured high schoolers. Oh, no one will sit with me in the lunchroom, ehrmagosh my paper is like totally due TOMORROW, AAHH THE SATs. Eyeroll. I’m sorry, I don’t care. Lawn comma get off of my.


The Kings of Summer


Eh. Three boys decide to run away from home and build a house for themselves in the woods. Then a girl comes between them and ruins everything. Chicks are the worst, amirite? Yawn.


Mud


Two boys run away from home and find a boat in a tree and then discover a convict has been hiding out in it. So, OF COURSE, they decide to help him. Double Yawn. Hmmm… all these horrible movies are about white boys. Why is that? Why are white boys always running away and why is Hollywood always writing movies about sad lonely white American boys and how hard life is for them? TUH. Lemmee go rewatch Sarafina.

Read the rest

House of Cards

Thursday, March 27th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

Omigosh!

There was a whole discussion in my comments section and I TOTALLY missed it, so now I’m going to write a post about it.

House of Cards. Hmmm I binge watched both seasons on Valentine’s Day weekend on consecutive years.

Oh wait… I guess I don’t want to spoiler anything. So I’ll move my thoughts to the comment section.

GAAAHHH

Tuesday, February 4th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

And now my header disappeared again! *throws all the throwable things*

Grrr arrrgghhh

Tuesday, February 4th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

Spommers are the worst. I’m voting for the first political party to add cyberterrorism to the list of capital offenses. I swear I’ve been trying to revive my blog. But every time I try to post, wordpress is under attack. All hail and gratitude to Mary and her elves for getting me through the worst of it AND letting me know that I can ask my host people to fix things. They’ve been most helpful these past few days. Wow. This might be the least interesting thing I’ve ever written. I think I gotta post some nudes of the True Blood cast to make up for it. smiley face

Technical Difficulties

Monday, January 27th, 2014 by Dawn Summers

I had a whole 2014 blog resurgence plan, but WordPress is not cooperating. I try to login, but all I see I a stupid white box and it won’t let me do anything. Cry. 
I’ve got my friends looking into a fix, but may have to hire a wordpress guru and just fix everything wrong with this blog at once. Anyone have any recommendations on how to find one? On a lower lower middle class salary!

Everything’s Coming Up…

Sunday, December 29th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

image

You can’t even really tell from that photo, but baby Rose is THEEE mostest gorgeousest person on the planet. AND this year’s Clareified person of the year.

I want to say it’s because she was born in 2013, but I’m not sure, nobody told me when she was born cause I’m not important and nobody likes me (insert downcast eyes and shuffling feet) so I didn’t find out till my once a year Facebook login and I didn’t get to meet her till around August.

But no matter, she is like the perfectest person!

Totally smart and curious and kind, she didn’t even cry during my whole visit, and babies HATE me! Plus, she’s still little enough that she let me put a Mets cap on her head AND take a picture! (Of course, she then promptly took it off… toldya, smart!)

So, for being the highlight of a cruddy summer and making me laugh with her misadventures on the playmat, Rose is totes magotes the Clareified POTY.

image

Happy New Year, everybody! I wish you health, happiness and hope in 2014!

Never give up!

Monday, December 9th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Yesterday, I was at Dawn 2′s birthday gathering for her 29th, 29th birthday —wait… that’s not right — anyway, so it was Patriots sunday, but I was on the road headed to New Jersey.

Thankfully, I have paid an undisclosed amount of money to be able to watch Patriots games on my phone. Of course, we were losing to the hapless Cleveland Browns, so I wasn’t feeling very thankful. I listened as drive after Patriots drive was stalled by the Browns defense. I heard Rob Gronkowski sustain a leg shattering injury and looked down (at a red light for a milisecond, officer) to see him carted off the field to a standing ovation.
And then the Patriots finally scored a touchdown and opted to go for the two point conversion instead of just kicking the easy PAT. I was annoyed. So I was complaining to Alceste. Then with two minutes left in the game, we’re down by 12. And suddenly, Brady is completing every pass and they score an easy touchdown.

“BAH! WHO CARES AT THIS POINT?!” I whine. STOOPID BROWNS!

“Ooh la di da, now they’re gonna try to get a possession from the on-side kick. The TV stat box says the Patriots haven’t recovered an on-side kick since 1994. I roll my eyes. My eyes, still midroll, do not really see the play. Alceste says the Patriots recover. I think he’s mocking me.

“Shut up.”

“No, really.”

I look at the TV. Play is under review! Sure, enough the Patriots did recover it!

I won’t go into further details, but the Patriots came back to win their third game in a row after trailing at the half.

I feel like the universe is telling me not quit. But I’m going to need to see 7 more Patriots wins like this to really believe it. *whistles*

Stuff in my head

Thursday, November 14th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I’m not great about fixing things. And by “not great,” I pretty much mean I’m awful about it. Once a thing stops working, I chuck it in the back of a closet somewhere and buy a new one.

I feel like there might be a story about how my lamp stopped working, so I bought a new one and then when my friend came to assemble the new one, he noticed that the old one wasn’t broken, the bulb had just burned out.

However, I’m only 92% sure that happened, and I’m terrible at math and boy, does that story make me sound like a grade A jabroni, so, let’s say that never happened. (Shut up, Fischel.) (Okay, I might now be 96% sure that happened. *whistles*)

Anyway, so the lamp was absolutely definitely probably not at all broken, and I quickly replaced it. I needed light, it wasn’t giving me any, end of story. Lamp, dumpster; dumpster lamp.

When my transmission went kaput, I bought a new car.

Repairs? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I do admire the handy types though. The ones with a tool box, a light touch and elbow grease. They bring the dead things back to life; they see opportunity in the trash pile.

Random thought #2,788,901

Tuesday, September 10th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I found this sitting in my draft folder. Empty. What the hell Past Dawn Summers. What. The. Hell???

Farewell my sweet R train and 22 minute commute…

Friday, August 2nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

hello, horrible 5 train and 55 minute commute. Take it away Savage Garden…

Have a good weekend.