Clareified

I don’t know if this is how Skynet gets started, but I follow every instruction of my GPS, to the letter!

My free BMW “Winter inspection” turned into a $200 BMW “special cleaning.” I really shouldn’t be allowed to own cars.

It’s a special inane comment Wednesday! How exciting. I even brought my blackberry charger lest it die like yesterday and I am unable to mock Fuelsellage when Ugarles makes him cry. By the way, it was MY post about being on a subway car with two passengers wearing eye patches, thank you very much. Hmph.
So what’re we talking about today?
Holidays: Necessary evil or just annoying?
What’s with Jewish people putting up Christmas trees?
Happy Holiday vs. Merry Christmas: Lame or respectful?
Multicultural Santas: would you take your kid to an Asian Santa?
Anyone else want to confess doing something bad to Alceste?
Butts?

I am on all these e-mail list-servs (don’t ask) and there regularly appear these emails which read, in relevant part, “a dear friend needs a sublet in Seattle” or “a dear friend is looking for an internship,” or “a dear friend’s SamTimer clock fell into the pool.”

The construct of the phrase “Dear friend,” always strikes me as odd…like one of those conventions we use to be polite like “God bless her/him.” Dear friend suggests a frumpy, borderline retarded social misfit who likely picks his or her nose and may or may not consume the findings from said excavation.

Do other people think this? Or is this dear friend thing perfectly normal and everyone has dear friends?

Cause if it is normal, then I have dear friends too. Lots of them. And they’re real and everyone can see them.

Stay away from me with your needles and white coats with extremely long sleeves.

You’ll never take me alive!

-Your dear friend Dawn.

Is Lady Gaga a white people thing, a young people thing or a gay people thing? #Iseriouslydontgettheappeal

I wish I could send bloggers who accuse the Obama administration of communism/socialism to Cuba or China so they can see what happens to journalists who criticize a communist/socialist government. Alas, I live in a democracy, with a bill of rights which would make such disappering unlawful.
So I guess we’re stuck we these noobs.

Everybody’s mom says stuff to them like “I’ll never forget this” and then angrily hangs up the phone, right?

Kay, just checking.

You realize your priorities really fast when you spill cranberry juice on your cream colored Beamer interior and IMMEDIATELY take off your Patriots jersey, open your emergency bottle water and clean it up. You then take your Mets shirt off to dry it all up. You then realize the security guard in your building probably has seen way more of you than will ever make eye contact possible again.

I know I’m getting old because I’ve never heard the whole “Poker Face” song, but I am randomly singing the chorus out loud. My mom used to do this with Nelly’s “Hot in Herre.”

Why do I have a seemingly endless supply of people in my life who will, with a straight face, say “I was an asshole to you, why are you mad?” But not one who is all “I commented on all your blogs today, believe you don’t tweet enough and here’s a vanilla/vanilla cupcake, why are you happy?”