Clareified

My twitter persona keeps saying and promising to do stuff that 1) My blog self wouldn’t but for damn sure 2) that my real life self HELLA won’t!
And she’s telling people we’re in our thirties! What the hell???

Make it stop! It’s trying to kill me. #Twitteristhedevil

Also, hello! How were your weekends? Happy Birthday Dawn 2 and pearatty!

Send links to Zac Efron videos.

I hate when BBM or my blog changes my : – ) to If I wanted to be all “hey, look at me in my yellow faced ghezness”, I would just sign everything “Man, I miss Menudo.”

What the fuck is the NBA Summer League and why did I just watch 11 minutes of it?

Bumped into a pregnant woman on the platform and I felt so bad…but, dude, why are they just allowed to roam around like that? I mean, maybe it’s cool out West, but in crowded cities it gets dangerous! Can’t they be put on a farm or something upstate…for their own protection, not because they creep me out.

Yes, you should think about the moral aspects of homosexuality. Choosing to divorce and embrace your same sex attraction is something that is definitely between you and God. Cause you know who it really shouldnt be between? You and me. Thanks!

Hippie: You live in Brooklyn?! You really should join the food co-op! It’s a great to support environ -
Me: – Let me stop you right there. I drive to the bodega around the corner to buy candy.

Is it great vine or grape vine?

Babies are great! Baby vomit, less great. Less.

They are called feelings not sayings for a reason.

Dear “Senior litigation legal assistant,”

I realize that ordering meals for us is your one time to really shine. To show the powers that be how wonderfully creative and whimsical you can be. I shrugged when you ordered bagels on Sunday morning and then got an assortment of cream cheeses which included chipotle, guava, sundried tomato and squash. I don’t eat cream cheese, so who cared. I was similarly nonchalant about your bizarre Thai food choices (no pad thai? Really?) because all that stuff was likely lathered in Dawn killing peanut oil; plus, I was face deep in the watermelon I brought from home.

But when it is your job to order *pizza* IN NEW YORK and you get some flatbread crap covered in sauce and WHATEVER the hell that was (brisket? Pork? Sheep guts?) that is when you have crossed the line, missy. Do what you will with pizza, but you best damn make sure you get one pie that is PLAIN and one pie that is PEPPERONI. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Sincerely,

Dawn Summers

My spare car keys
Earrings
The number of that dude I met in Charlotte
My favorite black platform sneakers
Scrabble games to better players
Scrabble games to worse players
Passwords to password-protected blogs I used to have
E-mail addresses
Time
My temper
Patience for bullshit
My perfect eyesight
Followers
Bets
My first car
A device capable of playing cassette tapes
My jacks’ playing skills
Dental coverage (ow my tooth hurts)
My Thorn Birds DVD
Poker hands
Jobs
My voice
Heart
My grandparents
Races
Commenters
My gallbladder
Hair
Half my family tree
My toys
Friends
My youth
Fights
The plot
My belief in karma
The decorative buttons on my jean jacket sleeves
My place in line
My place in the world
Control

*shamelessly stolen from This Fish

You know you’re rich when you can afford to pay insurance for a new luxury vehicle AND the car you traded in three weeks ago.

I am not rich.

Can someone please tell Geico? They evidently did not get the memo and now I have -714 dollars in my checking.

Grrr.

You can order shrimp from a sketchy Chinese restaurant. You can eat that shrimp and then proclaim victory five hours later because you didn’t get sick at all.
However.
You cannot return to the cafeteria refrigerator, where you stored the leftover of said shrimp, two days later and eat the remainder of the sketchy Chinese restaurant meal.
Well, you can.
But then you will learn, first hand, a lesson that I am graciously attempting to impart to you without the sweat, vomit and stomach ache.

Stupid pizza lady.

Dissident Democrats switch sides to hand GOP control of state Senate.

Democratic leaders were caught off guard as the Republicans and the two Democratic dissidents, Pedro Espada Jr. of the Bronx and Hiram Monserrate of Queens, moved to topple them, and at one point became so flustered that they turned out the lights in the Senate chamber to try to prevent Republicans from installing new leaders.

Asked by a reporter what was occurring, Senator Malcolm A. Smith, leader of the Senate Democrats who was huddled in the hall with his staff, responded, “I’m trying to find out right now.”

Really, dudes? Not enough we had our Governor hiring hookers and being forced to resign while trying to avoid indictment? Or that he got replaced by a BLACK GUY THAT NOBODY SAW COMING — (insert he didn’t even see himself BECAUSE HE’S BLIND! Joke)? OR THAT THE STATE IS ONE value meal away from bankruptcy and the Mayor of New York is trying to seize power forever, oh NO, that’s not enough for you turd rockets, you’ve got to switch parties in the middle of a vote, so now we have TWO house majority leaders and will have to revote on every piece of legislation that has gone through in the last month?

Morons. Why do we let Queens and Bronx even have representation in the Senate? Their only claims to fame are that they are better than Staten Island, like that’s even hard to do.

via kArol

“McCafay” lattes should be called “McCrapay” lattes.
They taste bad, are only 19 cents cheaper than Starbucks, don’t come with the nifty cup sleeve and have this weird spout thingie covering the drink hole making it impossible for you to drink out of the drink hole, and COME ON it’s a DRINK HOLE.
So then you’ve all got to figure out that you need to pop the spout back (not push it in) and then you press it down in a groove on the lid and there’s your drink hole. But it’s 6 a.m. and you’re tired and still skeptical, so you just take the whole lid off and discover THEY ONLY FILL THE CUP 3/4 of the way! Making it MORE EXPENSIVE, per fluid ounce*, than the better tasting, sleeved, regular drink hole Starbucks latte.

*Writer makes no pretense about having done any actual math or measurements.