Clareified

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The Rite

This movie is what can only be described as “Catholic Porn.” Anthony Hopkins is a priest who does exorcisms and an unbeliever seminary student from America is assigned to shadow him. Of course, the student thinks the old man is faking the exorcisms, but then when the old man himself becomes possessed it will be up to the young man to find his faith and vanquish the demon! “I believe in the devil, so I BELIEVE IN GOD!” Cheesy, sure. Effective, hell yes. My ass was in church the next morning for the first time this year. Also, I didn’t just say hell. And I definitely didn’t say it two times.

I love you Phillip Morris

I rented this movie from the store in a predominately Italian-American neighborhood in Brooklyn. I was wearing a Patriots T-shirt and the clerk goes “Tom Brady can lick my balls.” Um…and then, a few seconds later, as he takes the movies from my arms, he goes “You don’t want to watch this movie,” he says holding up the box, with Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor on the front, by its edges lest he catch the AIDS “It’s all faggy homo stuff. Disgusting.” Now, there are a hundred and one clever responses to both these statements that I have since come up with, but at the time what I said was “That’s okay. I’ll still take it.” Sure enough, the movie is a romantic comedy about two inmates who meet in prison. It’s also part that movie with Leo DiCaprio where he steals a pilot’s uniform and is walking through the airport with a bunch of stewardesses even though he’s like a teenager. (Oh, you guys are so gonna miss these reviews, aren’t you?! AREN’T YOU?) Jim Carrey is pretty good in this. So is Ewan. I liked it, but I have to admit, if this movie were about a man and a woman, I would have thought it was cheesy. So, it might just be my impulse to not be heterosexist that makes me like it. You know, like how white people give Academy Award nominations to crap like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Amistad just not seem racisty.

There are movies to be reviewed!

Rabbit rabbit

I watch movies.

Well, movie reviews in any case.

F-train and I found ourselves with some time to kill on Monday afternoon and decided to partake of a picture show at the Orleans casino. I suggested Harry Potter, but evidently, F-train is NOT the twelve-year-old girl we all suspected him to be. We ran through a list of the other options out loud at In-N-Out Burger and when we got to “Unstoppable” with Denzel Washington, the woman at the table next to us apologized for butting in “but that movie is terrific.”

F-train and I were both skeptical, but we put an imaginary pin in it and moved down the list of other options. I was into “Next Three Days,” he wasn’t. He wanted “Black Swan,” but Las Vegas doesn’t offer Indie movies.

“Well, let’s go over to the theater and see what’s playing.”

“Okay.”

We got there at 3:10.

“Well, Megamind is at 4:30…Unstoppable is starting now…”

Okay then!

“I hope the theater is empty,” he says, “that’d be awesome.”

There was a couple already inside.

“Nope. Two other people are here…and two minutes ago it was awesome for them!”

“Eh. If it can’t be awesome for us, why should it be awesome for them?”

When he’s right, he’s right.

Except, since we were there to see Unstoppable, the truth is, it wasn’t going to be awesome for anybody.

Some say this movie is “Speed with trains.” Those people are stupid. Do you remember Jaws? How no one was sure what the threat was exactly and then the Mayor was all “no, we’re not ruining the Fourth of July Holiday!” But then they realize the shark was super dangerous and send a bunch of men out on the water to kill it? And then there’s 85 minutes of boring old men conversation out on the ocean and then a final 20 minutes of Jaws killing a bunch of people and then the survivors floating on a plank back to shore?

Well, this movie is that 85 minutes of Jaws. With trains.

Denzel plays this old crotchety old man who has gone to the acting school of cave echoes. You know the school “Son, do you think your training has prepared you for this? DO YOU?” Followed by “I have 28 years on these tracks! 28 YEARS”

And so you kinda wish you were alone in the theater so you can shout “THIS SUCKS” and hopefully hear a cacophony of agreement echo back at you too.

Sigh.

Yeah, so. There’s a runaway train. Of course it’s filled with toxic chemicals! And there’s another train full of school children! Um. And then you’re suddenly back in 4th grade and there’s a train traveling toward Stanton at 70 miles an hour and a tug train chasing it at 50 miles per hour and how bad do you have to be at math to not roll your eyes when Denzel catches it and hitches the tug to the runaway train just as they tear through the deadly Stanton S curve? Answer is D. Oy.

F-train and I were laughing and audibly booing the screen. Audibly.

The one where I rent a whole lot of movies about death. No. Really. A LOT.

More Than A Game

This is a basketball documentary about Lebron James and his three best childhood friends. I’m not much of a basketball fan, but after the Lebron brouhaha, I rented it to find out who this guy is and why he gets to be on TV for an hour and then gets to move to Miami. Seems pretty unfair all around. It was okay. If you’re a Lebron fan, you’ve probably already seen it. There’s a great part where he and his friends decide to go to the local Catholic school instead of the public high school and Lebron has a quote in there about how they’ve decided “to take their talents to” St. Whatever it was. I laughed. He’s had the same PR staff since he was 14! And they say he’s not loyal.

Ponyo
This movie was weird and creepy and did I say creepy? And weird. Plot? A fish becomes a human girl, but for her to stay a human girl, a seven year old boy has to promise to love her forever. Uh huh. Am I the only one who can imagine the “how could you sleep with my best friend? I gave up being a magic fish for you!” argument that ends with him going “GOD DAMMIT WOMAN, I WAS SEVEN!” And then broken glass? Just me? Okay, moving on.

I love you, Beth Cooper

I loved this movie. I know, I know…who didn’t want to see Sylar cut open that cheerleader’s stupid head and suck her brain out…or whatever it is he did to take powers? But she totally works in this movie. She’s just obnoxious and self absorbed enough to be the homecoming queen type, but vulnerable and insecure enough that you don’t hate the protagonist for being in love with her even though she’s never spoken to him before. It’s a funny silly “one crazy night in High School,” movie that would have made John Hughes smile.

A Prophet
So, this movie is about a French prisoner. Who is in prison in France. For committing some French crime. Oh, but he’s a Muslim, so the other French prisoners are all “You’re not French! You’re Muslim!” And then they beat him up. A kingpin in the prison decides to make him a minion, so then the other prisoners stop picking on him. There is a super gross murder scene. Oh, and the movie is in French. All in all, I give it 7 out of 10 Frances. I hope I do not have to tell you that is not a good thing.

Get Him to the Greek (2010)
This was a GREAT movie. 1. P. Diddy > Justin Timberlake ALL DAY EVERY DAY AND TWICE ON SUNDAYS! He was hysterical as the music producer mogul with five kids and a heavy dose of crazysauce. That fat dude from those movies that I usually hate (Superbad? Knocked Up?) was terrific as the straight man assistant (just going to show that I was right! He is NOT funny!) And the guy who plays the has-been rockstar was spot on. The songs were funny, the situations were funny…I laughed so hard… and I was at work, so that was probably inappropriate. GREAT FLICK! SEVEN AMERICAS!

Just Wright (2010)
I liked this movie. Queen Latifah is spot on as the tom boyish rabid basketball fan. Common was good as the injured basketball player she rehabs back to health and Clair Huxtable is in it! Definite rent. Six Americas.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
This movie was retarded. I give it ten out of ten Frances.

After Life
This movie was weird. It’s about a school teacher who dies in a car crash and that guy whose name might be Liam Neeson (or he might be the guy I always confuse with Liam Neeson) is the funeral home director. He is trying to prepare her body for burial, but she is all “dude, I’m not dead!” And he’s all “yes, you are! And I’m preparing your body for the funeral!” But then it turns out that maybe she’s not dead and he’s just a psychopath who finds wounded people and drugs them so they look like they’re dead. But then it turns out that maybe she is dead. I dunno. We’ll call this six Frances.

Nadie Conoce a Nadie (1999)
This movie is sorta cool. It’s a Spanish flick, set in Spain. It’s one of these noirish whodunits, so I can’t say very much more without giving stuff away. But the main guy is a crossword puzzle maker who ends up at the center of an international terror plot against Jesus. No Frances at all for this movie! I give it four Americas!

My Name Is Bruce (2007)
Vomit. Barf. Hurl. Blurgh. This movie is so stupid. It’s supposed to be a spoof on the Evil Dead movies (which I think is why I ended up renting it…during my Evil Dead phase I added it to my queue.) Bruce Campbell plays himself, but an exaggerated version. In the movie, he is hired to kill this monster because the town believes he actually is Ashley, but in reality he’s just a selfish movie star. Of course, he then comes to realize he can put the needs of others ahead of himself and fight the monster after all. I give this movie twelve million Frances.

Southland Tales (2006)
I don’t know if Justin Timberlake has ever been in a good movie, but… no, correction: Justin Timberlake has never been in a good movie and Southland Tales is no exception. This movie has such a star studded cast it’s actually pretty unbelievable how terrible it is. Though, Sarah Michelle Gellar is in it and except for three or four movies, her movie resume is about as terrible as Timberlake’s. HOWEVER, The Rock is in this movie AND HE IS SHIRTLESS about 80 percent of the time that he’s on screen. So… this movie earns itself a solid one and a half Americas! You’re welcome. Plot? Dude. Did I mention that The Rock is SHIRTLESS? Moving on.

All About Steve (2009)

Um… so… *whistles* I kinda sorta…um… liked this movie. Judge me? I JUDGE YOU! Yeah, that’s right. Deal with it! Sandra Bullock is wonderful! And the story is very empowering and cute and it ends exactly right. You find yourself rooting for Mary the whole way. Okay, her outfit is a bit off the wall, but other than that…the story of a plucky crossword puzzle writer searching for love in all the wrong ways, is terrific. Hmmm…I saw a lot of movies about crossword puzzle writers.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

This movie was great! My friend Fisch said he didn’t like it, so I avoided it for a long time, but having pretty much wiped out the shelves at my local Blockbuster (see above where I rented All About Steve) I had no choice, plus, you know I have that Johnny Depp thing. It was great though! Way better than the Alice in Wonderland movie I remember from my childhood. This one made sense and was fun and triumphant and not at all annoying! Definitely six Americas. At least!

Jennifer’s Body (2009)
This movie was also great! I was going on and on about how much I loved 2012 on twitter and one of my friends sarcastically (I think) said that if I liked 2012 so much, he bets I’d LOVE Jennifer’s Body. But joke’s on him, I totally did! It’s a brilliant horror movie which also kinda cleverly captures the nature of teenage girl on girl friendships. It really is an almost perfect movie.

Ice Castles (2010)
This movie is, I guess, based on a true story of a promising ice skater who has a freak accident while skating, which leaves her blind. With the help of her boyfriend and inner strength, she competes even with her blindness! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry…um…no you won’t. It’s actually pretty meh. I rooted much harder for Mary in All About Steve. The blind ice skater girl is sad and all, but…okay, I’m going to stop now before I get letters from blind people. Are blind people on the net? Is there a Braille reader for blogs? Okay, so I’m going to stop now. Definitely.

Robin Hood (2010)
Do you remember how terrible Southland Tales was? Yeah, if it were a choice between watching that again or watching this Robin Hood again, I would throw myself off a building. What do you mean “do I know what the words ‘choice between’ means? Of course, I do. This Robin Hood was awful! It’s some prequel to the Kevin Costner Robin Hood, except there’s no awesome “I would die for you,” song and then they splice in footage from Elizabeth and Saving Private Ryan. OH AND IT’S THREE HOURS LONG. NO BUENO. TWO BILLION FRANCES.

The Experiment (2010)
This movie sucks. Why is that fat black guy from The Crying Game making such bad movies all of sudden? He was great in that “rawr I’m an African dictator and I kill people movie.” The premise of this dungpile is that these guys sign up for a study. They get paid two thousand dollars a day to play their parts in a prisoner/guard simulation. Of course, things go badly when the guards get power hungry and the prisoners say they’re not going to take it anymore. Blah. Four Frances.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
This movie was meh. I could tell they really really really wanted me to see it in 3D at a movie theater. But I could really really really tell it was going to suck and I was going to be mad that I had wasted money on it. Um…so the plot is a king adopts a street urchin boy even though he already has two biological children. They all grow up and when it comes time to pick an heir, the father is murdered. Street urchin boy is accused and then he finds a dagger that can take him back through time. The sworn keeper of that dagger is a beautiful woman. You figure the rest out. Yep. It happens just like that. One France.

Titanic 2 (2010)
I tweeted this movie as I watched it. As I believe my tweets to be brilliant, I will recap them here:
“Yes, I rented this. SMH.”
“You get on a ship called the Titantic 2, you deserve whatever you get.”
“I’m a nurse NOT an electrician” – direct quote from Titantic 2.”
“There was one survivor of the Titanic 2, hopefully the third one won’t make any mistakes.”
One hundred Frances.

Letters to Juliet (2010)
I thought this movie was cute. Very very predictable, but it’s a classic, no nonsense chick flick, so what did you expect? American writer goes to Italy, discovers an old love letter seeking advice, she decides to answer it. Old lady comes to Italy to follow American girl’s advice that she look for her long lost love. Old lady’s grandson, pissed the hell off. Voila.

MacGruber (2010)
FOUR HUNDRED BILLION FRANCES. There is nothing funny nor charming about this movie. Also I think some guy sticks a celery in his ass and prances around naked.

Killers (2010)
This movie was good! By far Ashton Kutcher’s best movie. Katherine Heigl did not irritate me and in a movie where her husband turns out to be a spy and there are assasins trying to kill them, I did not once hope that they would be shot to death. Talk about high praise!

Caligula (1979)
I don’t know why I rented this movie. There were a lot of boobs. A lot a lot of boobs. I’m still a little traumatized.

Solitary Man (2009)
This movie is TERRIBLE. It stars Gordon Gecko as a guy having a middle aged crisis and he’s chasing younger women and won’t let his grandson call him grandpa because then people will think he’s old. But then he sleeps with the daughter of his girlfriend and she has her mafia ex husband threaten his life and then he’s all in the hospital with no one and his ex wife comes back and says he needs to choose, the life as her husband again or chasing after floozies. Bah. I dunno. But more importantly, I DIDN’T CARE.

A Quiet Little Marriage (2008)
This movie is brilliant! It’s about a newlywed couple. The wife decides she wants to have kids, the husband has this loser younger brother who he has taken care of his whole life, so he definitely doesn’t want to have kids. So she starts poking holes in the contraception and he starts grinding up birth control pills and putting them in her tea. Hijinx ensue.

Huh. Did anyone else realize that remember rhymes with an awful lot of our months of the year? No? Just me? Well, then YOU’RE welcome America! Um…and Canada. And possibly Mexico, if the Rooster reads this blog. Which he probably doesn’t.

The Crazies

This movie is AWESOME! And that was before I even watched the whole Deadwood series in a week and learned all about Bullock. It’s scary AS HELL, in terms of both gore and psychological thrillage… I just made that word up, didn’t I? It’s got yer government cover-ups and your shootings and burning alives, oh and yer pitchfork stabbings…AHHHHHHHH. OMG. Seriously. I screamed for hours.

Death at a Funeral

This is the movie I thought I was renting when I rented the British Death at a Funeral, last year or earlier this year, it’s starting to run together. This version stars Martin and Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan and Danny Glover. And would you believe, TRACY MORGAN is the best part? Everyone else stinks. Chris Rock as the straight man is stilted and boring. Martin as a cad hitting on a teenager, yawn. Even the guy who accidentally takes hallucinogens and starts tripping is lame and boring. Definitely see the British version instead.

Repo Men

This is one of those set in the future sci fi adventures that I hate so much. And seriously, why doesn’t Jude Law just shave his head or wear a wig instead of us making us watch his hairline recede in slow motion movie after god awful movie? Ah, but enough snark, how about a plot. So… um… they have invented artificial organs to make up for the shortage in organ donations. Naturally, such organs are expensive, so people need to take out loans to pay for them. But the bad loan company is evil and charges them interest and so now they have to pay for the organs AND the privilege of borrowing money. And when they fall behind, the bad mean company sends out men to repossess (that word has A LOT of esses in it) the organs. Jude Law’s wife doesn’t like what he’s doing so she wants him to quit, but his partner refuses to let him go and rigs and\ accident that costs Jude Law his heart. So now HE must take out a loan for an artificial heart! Then I think Jude Law falls in love with a woman who has so many artificial limbs and organs that she’s mostly machine. I dunno. This movie is wretched. Booo.

Youth In Revolt

Man, I hate Michael Cera. I’ve been watching old Arrested Developments and my only regret about that series is that it made him famous. And now he is unleashed unto the world making crap movies like this dung heap. He’s a kid in love with a girl who is way too hot for him. And so he conjures up an alter ego who does bad things to make him seem more rebel than dweeb. And then she falls for him, but now he has to go to prison. The only one that’s funny is Michael Cera’s mom. But she’s also a whore. Blah. Snooze.

The Runaways

Yeah, because what I really want is to see little Dakota Fanning as a coke whore. Sigh. I’m not into this kind of music and I’d never heard of Cherie Whatever or her Girlettes before, so maybe I’m not the movie’s target audience. But as a biopic, it’s merely okay. I actually empathized most with the manager and felt like I was supposed to be siding with the girls…right? The chick from the Twilight movies was as single dimensional and vacuous as she is in those movies. I used to think it was the character Bella, but now, I see it’s the actress. If you can’t make Joan Jett in the 60s exciting, you fail at life.

Green Zone

Oh man, yet another terrible movie. I don’t know why they say this is part of the Bourne series, it’s not. Damon plays a regular old marine, who is navigating the fine line of a “friendly occupation.” The movie is basically about whether he can trust this Iraqi dude as they search Baghdad for the bad guys in Sadaam’s administration. In the end, he can’t. No, he can. Wait, no, he can’t. Oh…maybe…YESS HE CAN! Aw…lemon. Nope. I’m not kidding. That’s how the movie goes.

Kick-ass

THIS MOVIE KICKED ASS! I can’t begin to tell you how much I feared this movie was gonna blow chunks. But, no, instead it BLOWS YOUR MIND! The premise is that this nerd boy decides to dress up like a superhero and see if he can make a difference. He can’t, he gets his ass kicked. (“They shouldn’t call him kick-ass, they should call him ass kicked” – Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy.) But he inspires this father and daughter team to do the same thing and they are ARMED! And then he spawns a nemesis, a Richie rich kid who is trying to win his father’s affection. MAN, this movie is GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!

Clash of Titans

I liked this flick a lot. I’m totally into mythology and that’s what this movie deals with. The demigod son of Zeus trying to save makind from Hades’ power grab. There are cool monsters (“Release the Krakken!”) And neat fight scenes, the story isn’t totally predictable and the end is surprisingly satisfying.

Extraordinary Measures

Um…Brendan Fraser plays a dad of two kids dying of some weird children’s disease. Harrison Ford is the aloof scientist who has a cure in theory but is too anti-social and poor to test it on human subjects. Um…it’s supposed to be one of those “tug at your heart strings” movies. But, I didn’t feel a single tug. I dunno, I just didn’t care. Maybe they shoulda gotten cuter kids. (Oh snap! No she didn’t.) Or maybe Brendan Fraser and Kerri Russell are just too annoying…yeah, that was probably it. The kids were plenty cute. (Save!)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

UGH. SKIP. SKIP. SKIP. I think this is a beloved children’s book series? I don’t know, I don’t have kids, but this movie strings together every dumb cliché about being yourself and sticking up for your friends from every live action kids movie since the beginning of time, yet still comes out with a stinker. The main kid is trying to be cool, so he ditches his chubby elementary school best friend, but then still isn’t cool and the chubby kid becomes cool and then they have to eat some cheese off the floor… blech. Boooo double booo!

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

I rented this movie in my never ending quest to see all of Johnny Depp’s movies. He isn’t in it very long though, and then I realized this was the famous “last Heath Ledger” movie. It’s okay. It’s got Jude Law’s receding hairline in it too… um… the premise is weird. It’s all about magic and the devil and the dreamworld, meh. If you are trying to see every Johnny Depp movie, then definitely rent it!

The Spy Next Door

So, if I say that “Jackie Chan is the romantic lead,” is that enough to tell you to run, run very far and very fast away from this movie? Cause if it’s not, you need your head examined.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Ooh, ooh I get to give my pretentious “the book was better” line on this one! Well, it would be pretentious, if the book wasn’t basically beach lit that everyone and their mama is reading right now. Oh, but what if I add “the book was better, but the other two in the trilogy are infinitely better,” that is TOTALLY pretentious! Woo! Suck on that! Where was I? Right…the movie. It’s basically a murder thriller. An old man is dying and before he goes he wants to find out what happened to his granddaughter fifty years ago when she disappeared from the island. The movie is in Swedish, with subtitles. It’s very dark and grainy. I highly support the upcoming remake with Daniel Craig…they could have done more. The movie glosses over some stuff way too quickly, though, it’s still fairly long. Not a good combo.

Dirty Work

Very random comedy…where Norm McDonald runs a revenge for hire business (incidentally, I could SO run a revenge for hire business!) Hinjinx ensue. It’s funny in parts… not anywhere close to Dodgeballs funny, but decent. And short, so there’s that.

The Last Song

Well, I will say two things about this movie. First: I rented it because Miley Cyrus was in it. I like her. Second: I did not know it was a fracking Nicholas Sparks movie. However, at the movie’s end, I did not feel violent towards anyone involved. I cannot say that about the last two Sparks movies that I saw. It’s a pretty standard “family movie.” You know, bad NYC teen’s mom ships her off to her dad’s house in…um…somewhere else that’s not NYC where people talk funny and life moves slower. She learns to love again. Or gets self esteem. I dunno…whatever the point those movies always try to make, this one tries to make as well.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

I didn’t know what to expect from this movie at all. Not sure why I picked it up. But I’m glad I did, it was a quirky, not annoying period piece. The plot is something like a homeless woman in pre world war 2 England pretends to be a hotshot publicist and gets a fancy job for an actress. She comes to realize that she’s not the only one pretending to be what she’s not.

City Island

This movie is TOTALLY not what I was expecting. It’s about a family in the Bronx. And everyone is keeping secrets, but then the secrets come out and boy are they dumb secrets like “I don’t want to be a prison guard, I want to act!” Oh, well, and “oh, this is my son that I had with some whore before I married you.” And “I’m a stripper, dad.” But other than those, the secrets are way dumb.

Harry Brown

BLECH. I saw this movie when it was Gran Torino and the I hated it then too.

Grand Canyon

At first, I thought I hated this movie. It’s one of those vignette style pieces set in LA where the white people run into the black people by some unfortunate happenstance but then interact: think Crash. Except this movie starts to make fun of itself for being that and then I didn’t hate it. That this movie was made way before Crash and didn’t win an Oscar, pisses me off. It’s great! And the writing is great…though the ending is weird.

MOVIES I SAW A LONG LONG TIME AGO, BUT SAW AGAIN CAUSE I SIGNED UP FOR NETFLIX MONTH-LONG FREE TRIAL.

Shut it. Do I come to your blogs and judge you?

Big

I had a big debate with my coworkers about whether Tom Hanks has sex with the Weeds lady in the movie. My argument was absolutely NOT this is a kid’s movie and that would make her a pedophile! I was wrong. So, very very sadly ewwww, grossly wrong. Aside from the pedophilia, the movie stands up as the cute fun story that I remember.

Jaws

This movie does not stand the test of time AT ALL! Except for the first ten or so minutes when the dumb blond girl gets eaten, this movie is not scary for even a second. Well, okay, and maybe at the end when the captain gets eaten. But really, it’s just a lot of old men yakking away. Snooze job! And why did I think that Jaws was like a super shark science experiment that went wrong? Nope. He’s he’s a regular old shark. ZZZZZZ

Beetlejuice

STOP IT! I see you saying it three times in your head. Jerks! Um… I liked this movie more when I was a kid, it’s kind of uneven, but I still liked it today. And I was singing “shake shake shake zanora” for the rest of the day, so, you know, there’s that.

And we’re hitting August up just under the wire! I have seen a lot of movies this month. However, I’ll only write up about half of them lest I break filmchaw. Yeah, this is only half of the movies I’ve watched in the last 30 days…what of it? I’ll fight you.

The Love Guru

This movie is all about the Toronto Maple Leafs! Which, as we all know from @astinto, is actually a real hockey team! So the movie is about the star of the Toronto Maple Leafs – a black guy – having a meltdown on the eve of the Stanley Cup Finals (like the Superbowl in the NFL, except dragged out for a whole bunch of games) because his wife is sleeping with the well endowed goalie on the opposing team. In order to heal his heartbreak, so the Leafs can win the cup, the owner of the team, Jessica Alba, hire a Love Guru from India – Michael…um…shoot…oh Myers! He also has a cameo as Michael Myers, Toronto Maple Leafs fan, late in the movie. There is elephant sex. On ice.

$5 a day

Quirky father/son roadtrip movie. It stars Christopher Walken, so it’s kinda creepy too. He’s the dad. He’s dying and looking for forgiveness from the son he framed for grand theft auto five years prior. The title refers to how much he spends on living expenses. Everything else he grifts, steals or wins from radio show trivia games. There’s no need to rent this movie, but if you happen to find yourself in a closed space and it’s playing on a big screen somewhere, there is no need to stab yourself in the face.

The Killer Inside Me

No shade, but I pretty much think Casey Affleck really is a serial killer. I would prove it, but I fear as I got too close, he would add me to his collection. What? His face is way too…like angelic! Anyway, this movie pretty much confirms my fears. He kills. A lot. And the whole time he’s all “aw, shucks, ma’am, did I spill your blood all over your pretty bed sheets? My apologies.” DUDE! Um. I guess this is a good movie, I like Goldie Hawn’s daughter and even Jessica Alba didn’t make me hurl. But part of what happens when you have a boy next door murderer story is that you try to keep everything calm and serene, so yeah, it’s gory, but also a bit boring.

The September Issue

Yarf. A documentary about a fashion magazine! Double yarf. I rented it because I thought they were going to uncover the real truth about Vogue or Vanity Fair or whatever magazine this was about. That truth being that Satan is really the Editor in Chief and the architect of what passes for women’s fashion. But no. This thing takes itself and fashion totes seriously. Blah. There’s even a part where the cameraman for the documentary gets a part as a model in the magazine. And then the head editor in chief lady calls him fat and asks for it to be “touched up.” Okay. That part was funny. I also hated the head lady’s smug daughter. Who, is all “nah, I’m going to be a lawyer even though my mom keeps saying I should be the Managing Editor of this magazine.” Screw you, Princess. Yup. Dawn is a hater.

Brooklyn’s Finest

Have you seen The Departed? Did you wonder how that movie would be with B celebrity actors and more black people? Then run right out and get you some of this. Seriously. It’s a black Departed. I like black people. I liked The Departed, I liked Brooklyn’s Finest.

The Young Victoria

I was a bit sloshed when I saw this. So…um…it’s about a Princess and then her uncle dies, so she becomes a Queen…and then she marries her cousin and they have a lot of kids off-screen and then he dies. Oh and someone shoots at her. Pretty much if you’re tired of movies about Elizabeth, but you like movies about royals, then this flick is for you.

When In Rome

Why does Veronica Mars keep making terrible movies? Why? It’s like she is the modern-day Sarah Michelle Gellar: boss TV actress, crapola movie star. Um. The premise: Veronica Mars goes to Italy for her younger sister’s wedding, meets a man, frolicks in a magic fountain. Hilarity ensues. Well, minus the hilarity. It is predictable from the opening scene to the closing dance montage. God, it isn’t even a good “chick flick” so far as those go. Blech.

Shutter Island

THIS. MOVIE. WAS. AMAZING! So you think you know, but NOPE YOU HAVE NO IDEA! Just great! Even the brain tumor guy with his speech impediment was good. And Leo, well, Leo was in top form, his best outing since The Departed. I don’t want to ruin anything, but basically, it’s about a crime that happens on an island for the criminally insane. You can try to pay attention to every little detail along the way, you still won’t figure out the twist! Great flick!

From Paris with Love

And then on the other side of the spectrum, we have this dungpile of dog poop. Awful. Just awful. John Travolta plays a super spy who comes to Paris looking for a terrorist cell. He is assigned a young intern guy and it just so happens that the intern’s girlfriend is in the cell! Wretched. Just vile. Lots of explosions, sadly none of them destroy this DVD. And believe you me, I would have happily sacrificed my DVD player if this thing self destructed. Dude, they stop to play chess on an active runway! ARRGGGHHHH

The Back-up Plan

Ok, now this is a chick flick – but it’s a good chick flick. I mean, wholly implausible boy meets girl fall madly in love even though she’s expecting stuff…but that’s understood from the phrase “chick flick.” J Lo is actually charming. I also like the fat black guy from Law & Order’s last season.

Dear John

Aaaandd we’re back to awful. I owed Nicholas Sparks a kick in the shin for The Notebook, now I also owe him a knee to the groin. Dreck. Oh, premise? Um. Guy on military leave meets this girl, they fall in love and write letters back and forth, until she dumps him to get engaged. TO HER DAD’S DYING FRIEND WITH AN AUSTISTIC SON. Eyeroll. Oh, the girl also doesn’t drink. Whatever.

Happy Endings

Soo…this movie is weird. But good weird. It employs many of the techniques found in terrible movies like omniscient narration and flash backs and vignettes style storytelling, but it is not a terrible movie. It’s quite good. I love Lisa Kudrow in it. It’s about an unorthodox family. There’s some weird abortion stuff, but all in all, I liked it. Definite recommend.

Our Family Wedding

This movie was hilarious. To me. Here’s why I qualify that: the movie is about an interracial couple: The Ugly Betty girl and a black guy, who are getting married. Now, the black father is a rich celebrity, the Mexican parents are working class joes. So all the offensive, stereotypes are about the Mexicans. I mean offensive. But since I’m not Mexican, I thought it was funny. O_O What?

The Greatest

Why did I rent this movie? I do not know. It had that British guy on the box. You know the one, he was Remington Steele and then everyone was like he should be James Bond! And then he was, but now he’s not. Well, so he’s a dad in this and he’s married to Susan Sarandon and their oldest son dies. But before he died he impregnated this girl and so she comes to live with the couple and the youngest son (now only child.) I suppose it’s an interesting peek into grief. Susan Sarandon is pissed off that she is getting a grandchild because now people won’t feel quite so sorry for her about losing her son. Remington Steele doesn’t want to talk about the dead kid and throws himself into prenatal caring for the preggo girl. Meh, it’s okay.

Saint John of Las Vegas

Wow, I really am unintentionally doing a “good/bad/good/bad” style review today cause this one is most definitely ABSOLUTELY BELCH AWFUL! I just invented that phrase. Belch Awful TM. It stars Steve Buscemi, who I usually love. Also Sarah Silverman who can be hit or miss and the black guy who used to sell Nancy Weed in Weeds. It’s supposed to be a modern-day Dante’s Inferno, with Las Vegas in the place of hell. I didn’t know that going in. I just saw Steve Buscemi, Las Vegas and chips on the box and figured it was about poker. It wasn’t. Boo. The best part of the movie is the Harold from Harold and Kumar setting himself on fire repeatedly. But I think it was mostly envy.

The Ghost Writer

Hey! It’s the James Bond guy again! But now he’s playing Tony Blair…or a guy that looks and talks EXACTLY *like* Tony Blair…let’s call him Bony Tlair? Anyway, he’s all a private citizen now, trying to write his memoirs, but his ghost writer has killed himself. So he hires a new one and we discover that maybe it wasn’t suicide after all! And when the new ghost writer finds out the secret the old ghost writer uncovered, his life may be in danger as well! Dum dum dum. The movie has like 15 really suspenseful minutes, unfortunately, it’s almost two hours long. So, um, I dunno, rent it on a plane maybe.

Home for the Holidays

It’s Robert Downey Jr. and Dylan McDermott! When they were young! I kept pausing the movie and taking pictures of the screen with my Droid X. Wanna see them? ? What do you mean what was the movie about? I have pictures. Of a young Robert Downey Jr. AND Dylan McDermott on MY PHONE! Haters.

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