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April movie reviews

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I was going to send Julius Goat a tweet yesterday containing my usual foot tapping, so he would think I had my April movie review post done. BUT THEN, nothing would be there because it WASN’T done! And then I would say “April Fool’s” and laugh and laugh. But then I got distracted with Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, the Mets and the Rangers and next thing you know, it’s April 2nd and the post actually IS done, so… (and this is why Dawn Summers can’t get nowhere as a prankster.)

Anyhoo…this see what we have here…

Lincoln
BBBOOORRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGG. I don’t know why this movie isn’t called “The Thirteenth Amendment.” Because that’s all it’s about. It’s not about Abraham Lincoln – not about his childhood or his marriage or his children or even his presidency, really – it’s about the twelve months preceding the ratification of the thirteenth amendment. Sadly, even though Spielberg chooses this narrow sliver of a political moment, he still mostly gets it wrong and manages to whitewash all black involvement out of it, save the occasional sad eyes of his wife’s black maid or Senator Stevens’ black lover who is unveiled in the last scene. Eye roll. Joe Morton could totes have played Frederick Douglass! I deeply and sincerely hate Hollywood sometimes. Anyway, bah. This movie is dumb and boring. And I have no idea why any of these people were nominated for anything.

Miss Dial
This movie is a cute little romantic comedy about a work from home customer service representative who decides to robo call random strangers during the day. There’s a surprise ending that I didn’t see coming.

The Brother from Another Planet
This movie was weird. It’s about an alien who takes the form of a black man and lands in Harlem. He is being chased by other aliens, but it’s not really made clear in the movie why or who they are. The movie chiefly runs on the premise – hey, he’s an alien, but he’s a black guy! Get it? Cause America kinda treats black guys like *they’re* aliens… eh… eh… GET IT??! Some of it works, some of it doesn’t.

A Separation
This movie was great. Oh, I meant to google this before I wrote the racist-ish sentence I’m about to write, but… uh… hi, I’m super lazy. Racist sentence coming in 3…2… so this movie is about people in Iran or Iraq or somewhere in that region of the world (hangs head in shame) the woman wants to come to America, the husband doesn’t want to because he has to care for his senile father. The woman files for divorce hoping the husband will change his mind rather than get divorced. He doesn’t and then he has to hire a woman worker to do the housekeeping/caretaking. Some stuff happens and the police are called. And then it gets sad. There is a preteen daughter involved. Sniff sniff.


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Worst. Movie. Reviews. Ever.

Friday, March 1st, 2013 by Dawn Summers

As I reread these movie reviews, I decided this entire post needed to be prefaced with 1. I’m not working. 2. I was drinking heavily yesterday (I bit into a red scrunchie thinking it was a red velvet cupcake. That sounds bad, but in my defense, I was eating a red velvet cupcake and the scrunchie was on the table next to the plate and was the same shade of red…um… and it was dark…) 3. My focus is not sharp under the best of circumstances, so in light of 1 and 2…uh… good luck and good night.

Argo

I saw this movie three days before the Oscars. I confess, it was a last ditch (hahaha I typed that, then I had the feeling that the expression was actually “last stitch,” which kinda would totally make sense, so I looked it up to make sure… it’s not. It’s ditch. But since google auto filled in my question, apparently LOTS of people also believe last stitch would make sense.) effort to derail the Argo best picture train. I have not seen the winner of best picture, before the awards show, since 2006 (OMG! DRIVING MISS DAISY WON BEST PICTURE???! WHAT IN THE HELL?!! DOES JULIUS GOAT KNOW ABOUT THIS??!) so I was hoping to “Dawn Summers” Argo. It didn’t work. Congratulations Benjamin Affleck. How has he not become the AFLAC spokesman yet? AFFLLACCK. I liked this movie very much. It fills in that gap between historical events that I was too young to understand and not yet covered on the AP American History exam. Pretty much 1978-1983. So, basically Canada and Hollywood saved the world? Or is it Hollywood and Canada? Canallywood? I thought the cast was good; the script takes a turn into eye roll town when the hostages are all “No way! We’re not doing this! I don’t know you, that’s my purse!” Pfft. If I’m sent to help someone and they tell me “nah.” I’m turning right around and going home. Conversely, if someone comes and says “I’m here to help you.” I’m going to be all “Thank God! Get me outta this dump, my DVR is probably at 100% full by now!”

The Letter

I don’t have words for how terrible this movie is, so I’m going to invent some. Flegadfically harminuen unwafaschatable dreft. GRAWESD! Winona Ryder is dislitching unperimsetive …making up words is harder than I thought. But don’t rent this movie, bro. I’m serious. Also, is there an “OHMIGOD I HATE JAMES FRANCO SO FUCKING MUCH” club/twitter or tumblr? I would like to join. This movie is filled with close-ups of his smug shitty face and the perennial hardened spittle crud at the side of his smirky mouth. I HATE HIM! Oh? What’s the movie about? It’s a dream. Or a play. Or a play within a dream about a play or a dream. *throws stapler*

Being Flynn

This movie is also garbage. It starts off promisingly enough … it’s funny, my biggest complaint about it while I was watching was how unbelievable it all was, then the line “based on real events” scrolled by before the credits and I laughed. Listen, if the dude really did start smoking crack at the age of thirty after his dad started living at the homeless shelter where he worked, what can I tell ya. It’s dumb. Robert DeNiro phoned in the performance from a beachfront condo in Maui. And the connection was spotty.

Seven Psychopaths

Sigh. This movie was TERRIBLE. It’s about a struggling screenplay writer who is writing a screenplay called “Seven Psychopaths.” Eye roll. So it’s half “movie” and half “stuff really happening” but all bad. Blech. There are a few funny moments, like when that guy from Pulp Fiction who hid the watch in his ass is talking about the script and says “the women are all terrible. They’re either naked or dumb” Which… you know.

Hit & Run

Yet another dreadfully stupid movie. Veronica Mars should never make movies. Ever. She makes really bad choices. The premise of this movie is that she gets engaged to a dude in the witness protection program, and then gets a job in LA, so he has to leave to program to drive her. BUT FIRST, she’s got to go to her ex-boyfriend’s house to get her teaching certificate! SO HE FOLLOWS THEM, calls the guys the fiancée is hiding from AND THE CHASE IS AFOOT. EYE. ROLL.

Taken 2

Wow. I saw a lot of AWFUL movies this month. Okay, so the people who kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in the first one, are all pissed off that he killed all their sons, brothers, friends and cousins in order to get her back, so… THEY DECIDE TO KIDNAP HER AGAIN! AND HIS WIFE! DUDE. DUUUUUDDDDEEEEEEE. How do you say “worst plan ever” in Farsi? Blargh. It’s very predictable and dumb after that. There is not a single genuine moment in the whole mess. Mercifully, it’s short.

The Words

GOOD LORD. THIS FLICK? ALSO AWFUL. I had to google it to remember what the plot was. It’s Bradley Cooper playing a writer within a novel who finds a novel in an old beat up briefcase and decides to pass it off as his own. Obviously, he becomes a big success and so the actual author finds him… you know, on his break when he’s sitting on a bench in a park. Do people actually go to parks alone to sit on a bench? Does anything good ever come from this? Run. Run far away from anywhere this movie might be shown.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Um… I was expecting much worse considering this is a Coen Brothers movie. But it was actually decent. It helps that they got an actual storyteller to draft the plot, though they do manage to Coen Brothers it up a bit and I have no idea what was going on between them finding the frog and ending up in the movie theater. But it wasn’t unbearable…

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

…which I cannot say for this movie. I decided to try to watch all of Jodie Foster’s movies. She was in this one when she was a kid. I had NO IDEA it was the precursor to Alice the TV show, WHICH I LOVED! However, this movie bears NO relation to the TV show. Alice is played to be AN ANNOYING AS HELL middle aged loser. Her son is a brat. The romantic leads are both dicks. And Mel is a shell of his lovable curmudgeony self. UGH. This movie is awful. Thank God they changed everything for the TV show.

Trouble With the Curve

I wish this movie would have just been video of an empty chair. The plot is dumb, the dialogue is dumb, the characters are dumb and then, just to give you respite from dumb, they throw in racism. Three parts dumb, one part racism, shake vigorously and drink until you pass out, fall down a flight of stairs and die from brain swelling. *throws vase*

Your Sister’s Sister

Hmm. This movie starts off strong, then gets terrible, then ends well. So, I don’t know what to tell you. You’ll be annoyed for a good fifty minutes, but by the end you won’t want to throw anything. It is sort of a romantic comedy, I can say that. Sorta.

February movie reviews! Whut whut!

Friday, February 1st, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I confess, I did not think about Black History Month when I chose these movies. However, as I wrote up the reviews, I realized many of these films had black leads, which almost NEVER happens unless I’m being intentionally racist about my choices. But there you have it!

Butter

This movie is about competitive butter sculpting in Iowa or Utah… one of those states that you don’t think about unless your guy is trailing in presidential polls. The twist is, sigh, okay, when I finished the movie I was annoyed, so I was going to tell you the twist, but it’s been three weeks, and I’ve been annoyed by so much more since then that… I won’t. But here’s a hint. The star of the movie about competitive butter sculpting *IN IOWA OR UTAH* is a little black girl. *files nails* It’s an okay movie.
Half Nelson

I picked this as part of my quest to see every Ryan Gosling movie ever made so that when I meet him, I can be all “I LOVED YOU IN *insert obscure movie that ONLY I know about.*”  Then he smiles at me and says “thanks.” And THEN I faint and he catches me and…wait, where was I? Right, Half Nelson. I have NO idea why this movie is called Half Nelson. No one is named Nelson and it’s not about wrestling. It’s about an “inner city” teacher who is also a drug addict (Gosling) and the little black girl who catches him smoking crack in the bathroom and how they try to save each other. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.
Absent

Z.O.M.G. HOW DID I WASTE THREE TERRIBLES *BEFORE* I GOT TO ABSENT??!?!!?!?! DAMMIT, PATRICE! Okay, so this is a “documentary” about “absentee fathers” and the “father wound” that children from “fatherless” homes suffer, due to the absence of the aforementioned father. Now, as a child raised by a single mother, I was quite surprised to learn that I am a hypersexualized whore seeking approval from men. Evidently, I had many children when I was a teenager by many different fathers and if those children were girls, they too now are hypersexualized whores. For the men who were raised in “fatherless” households, you are rapers and arsonists who kill yourselves. So sorry. The problem is… the movie seeks out the most damaged people they can find, puts them on film and then says “SEEEEEE?” Never mind, that one of their damaged whore women WAS RAISED BY HER DAD WHO MOLESTED HER. Or that one of the “damaged” was a drummer or singer in one of those Hair Bands AND WAS RAISED BY BOTH PARENTS!?!?! AND IS A SUCCESSFUL music celebrity guy now (I don’t know who he is. Al Can’t Hang and Bad Blood would know though…(James Hatfield or something like that) ARRGGHHH. I WAS SO MAD. (Could you tell?) The movie opens with a little girl struggling to ride a bike, but she keeps falling over and then scrapes her knee and starts crying. And of course, I’m all the cameraman is the asshole here. And then at the end, a man appears from the park to help her ride AND SHE DOES. Then she probably blows him. WHAT? THIS “documentary” SUCKED IT, why wouldn’t that kid. Okay, that was inappropriate. My bad, I have a father wound!

Cinema Paradiso

This movie was great. It’s an Italian flick about a fatherless boy and his friendship with the town film runner guy (that’s not the right word…projectionist? That’s better.) It’s a bit contrived how they get it so the old man teaches the boy how to be a projectionist even though he knows it’s unsafe AND promises the kid’s mom he wouldn’t. And then it’s creepy how the old man fakes an injury so he never has to run the stupid projector ever again. But all in all, it was haunting and nostalgic and will make you very very sad… even though I think the message of the movie is that nostalgia is dumb and everyone needs parking lots. I don’t know. I don’t speak Italian. Sigh.

The Thin Blue Line

This is a great documentary about a man on death row after he was wrongly convicted of murdering a cop. Give you one guess what state it’s set in. ONLY ONE. NO PEEKING! If you guessed anywhere but Texas, I laugh at you.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING!!! It’s a fictional survival story set in Louisiana around a Katrina-ish hurricane/flooding event. It’s about a plucky six year old and her sick, abusive dad who are basically living off the land/river. (My favorite part is when he leaves her for a few days and she thinks to herself, well, if he doesn’t come back soon, I’m going to have to eat my pets.) It’s great. Funny, terrifying, insprational. Me likey.
Looper

Julius Goat’s review captures my thoughts on this movie fairly well. I liked it a lot. It’s not what you think from the trailer, though the ending is one we’ve seen before. I wonder if there is a director’s cut with an alternative ending floating around out there.

Ted

This movie is gross, homophobic, sexist, lame and juvenile. Sadly, I think that was the point, so “well done, guy who is going to host the Oscars?” Sigh. And, dear lord, someone get Ryan Reynolds’ career a reboot. AND FAST.  (I did like the line where the teddy bear is all “That’s awesome. A quarterback who saves the world. Tom Brady could do that! And then Marky Mark is all “Tom Brady COULD do that!” Tom Brady so could.)

Frankenweenie
Um… the next two movies are both, animated “horror-flicks” starring little boys. I admit right now, I’m not quite sure which was which. However, I thought both were okay, but absolutely missable. I don’t think either would be really appropriate for true kids, but I think teenagers will think they’re dumb. I really don’t know who the target audience is for a flick about a resurrected dog. And other pet zombies. Meh.

ParaNorman
See above Frankenweenie review. I really don’t know who the target audience is for a flick about a boy who sees dead people and tries to save the town from a ressurrected witch. Meh.

The Bourne Legacy

Good glory lord in heaven this movie was bad and long and bad and…um…long. Blarf. It’s about a rogue super soldier and the scientist on the run with him.

Pitch Perfect

This movie is NOT about baseball! And that’s perfect! It’s about college acapella group singing competitions. And there’s a romantic comedy aspect to it. It’s very funny and I loved it, but there is a lot of singing and dancing, so if that’s not your thing etc. etc.

Premium Rush

This movie took me 24 days to finish and it’s only 92 minutes long. It’s about a bike messenger — who graduated from an Ivy League Law School, mind you, who SAVES THE WORLD ONE SPOKE AT A TIME! ONE GOTDAMN SPOKE AT A TIME. I’m kidding. There are lots of spokes all going at the same time. It is laughably awful. And then it’s agonizingly awful. And then it’s sad, and you wonder, why didn’t I become a bike messenger after graduating law school?!! I’d probably be dead by now AND NOT WATCHING PREMIUM RUSH!

Singing the song of angry Dawn

Friday, January 11th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

After not dying ice skating, we headed off to Times Square for Part Two of Ice Skating and Les Miserables.

I should note that I am a Les Miz super fan. I saw it on Broadway as a teenager and I’ve seen it, on stage, in whole or part, about thirty times since then, including a viewing in London. I had the cassette tapes of the Symphonic version (took up both sides of four tapes). I’ve had the CDs (three) and, of course, now I have them on my ipod. I also have the Broadway and London cast recordings, but the Symphonic is my favorite. I also own the PBS airing. So… yeah Les Miz SUPER FAN number 24601. See what I did there?

I wrote a post once about how much I love this musical (and the book) but I can’t find it to link to it… sadface. Anyway, I was very excited about this new musical version. (I love love LOVE Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman.)

I avoided any news or reviews about it because I didn’t want to prejudge anything. As we walked over, Petitedov said she thought I was going to hate it.

Mmm.

The theater was PACKED, which was surprising for a Saturday afternoon showing WEEKS after the movie came out, so I thought this was a good sign. Clearly people had returned to see it more than once!

The theater got dark and the familiar chords of Look Down started…oh man… oh man… oh man….

HEY LOOK! A BLACK GUY!

AND ANOTHER ONE!

Focus Dawn… stop playing count the black people…TWO… I SAID STOP IT!!

I’m singing along (silently, I’m not a dick) when suddenly, there is Russell Crowe and…wait… I thought I was singing silently, but he sounds just like I do when I sing (To wit: GOD AWFUL) AND THEY’VE CHANGED THE WORDS???!?!?!

Okay… breathe…. it’s fine. Maybe they just had to shorten it. This is fine…calm dow…ooh another black guy!

I settle back in.

This is not how Valjean ends up breaking his parole! GAH! AND THERE’S NO TALKING!!

WHAT IS THIS??? WHY DO THEY KEEEP CHANGING THE LYRICS?? AND GOOD GOD RUSSELL CROWE CAN’T SING!!! DO THEY REALIZE HOW BIG A SINGING PART JAVERT HAS??? IT’S HHUUGGGGEEEE!!!! LIKE ALMOST THE LEAD AMOUNT OF SINGING!!!

Horror steadily takes over.

Okay, so *spoiler alert* Fantine (Hathaway) is a single mother who comes to ruin after selling all her possessions, her hair AND THEN becoming a prostitute. In this movie, FOR SOME DAMN HELL ASS REASON, they ALSO have her sell HER TEETH! WHHHAAATTTT????

I thought Hathwaway was great, she did “I Dreamed a Dream” as well as I’ve ever heard it, but I’d already turned on the movie and was in full on snark mode. AND THERE WAS STILL TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO GO!

Not only did these dumb ass hacks add teeth selling and ridiculous Benny Hill Javert/Val Jean chase scenes *EYEROLL* THEY WROTE A NEW SONG!! A GROSS PEDOPHILIAC SONG FROM VAL JEAN TO COSETTE IN THE BACK OF A CARRIAGE!

Okay, so seriously, WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK?!?!?!

I would have left here, instead, I watched them butcher the entire second half. Where they give Marius a rich grandfather to disappoint O_O AND have Eponine stealing love letters O_o AND *VOMIT*

BLLAARRRGGHHH, I realize much of this is nitpicking, and I tried to imagine watching the movie without my decades of Les Miz knowledge. However, I could still not get around the fact that they hired a dude who couldn’t sing to star in a musical that was three hours long.

UN. For. Giv. Able.

I wanted to cheer the dam that bashed in Javert’s skull! STAND UP AND CHEER!! I meeannnn…. HONESTLY. (Later, Angela was like “yeah, I was so glad he was dead… but then they had all the dead people come back to sing some more!)

So, since I can’t get past that, I also convict them for crimes against the score, the assasination of the character of Eponine– they RUIN her death by making it seem like she’s gotten her comeuppance
for keeping Marius and Cosette apart, when she does EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. *THROWS MUSKETS* BAH.

GRRR.

HULK SMASH.

OH AND the sideburns on Valjean just made me think “Wolverine” the whole time. NO BUENO.

(Borat and Tim Whatshisname’s wife were okay, but besides Anne Hathaway, the casting was off — Marius has a weird face and Cosette’s eyes are too big and I was terrified that Wolverine was going to claw everyone and Eponine wasn’t tragic enough.)

AVOID THIS MOVIE LIKE YOU WOULD A PLAGUE INFESTED SWARM OF BADLY SINGING RATS.

January movie reviews

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

So, another month of these, eh? Don’t blame me, it’s not Mayan fault. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I’ve been working on that forever, practically since LAST YEAR! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHHHAHAHAAHAH

Man.

I am SO funny.

Anyhoo… *whistles* LET’S BEGIN!

Rock of Ages
This movie was AWESOME! At Astin Toe said he didn’t like, At Astin Toe clearly does not like good things. It’s got rock music and pop music and there’s big star names and dancing and magical negroes who save blond girls from the street and gets them on the pole….MA-GIK!

Magic Mike
But NOT as MA-GIK as Magic Mike, because… DUH, Magic Mike’s got MA-GIK RIGHT THERE IN THE TITLE!! DUUUUUDDDEEEEE. This movie is a glorious triumph of ab muscles and hip shaking and booty poppin! Bravo, Tatum guy, BRAVO! This movie is near perfection, it could stand for a bit of editing — there was way too much blah blah blahing with shirts and pants and the “love story” with the girl should be axed. This is about the love of a man for his body oils. And dancing. DANCING. It’s about the ART, man! THE ART!

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December movie reviews

Monday, December 3rd, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Yo, if the Mayans are to be believed, and you don’t know any math, then this is it! My last reviews EVER. I wish I could say we’ve had a good run, that it was all worth it… I really really wish I could. But onwards! December! I saw lots and lots of stuff:

Flight

This movie was great. It’s got some great action, particularly in the beginning, but it also is just an ordinary run-of-the-mill movie with a plot, good actors, neat tensions and a proper ending. It’s about a pilot who expertly crash lands a commuter plane, but is then found to have alcohol and cocaine in his system. The movie does get a little preachy, but Denzel’s facial expressions will probably reflect your thoughts about the preachiness, if that kind of stuff gets to you; he’s funny. I liked it a lot. I probably should not have watched it a week before taking a commuter flight to Miami though…

Wreck it Ralph – 3D

THIS MOVIE WAS SOOOO GREAT AND FUN! It’s about a videogame bad guy who is tired of being treated poorly, so he leaves his game to make a name for himself for doing something positive. IT’S SO CUTE! But sometimes scary and funny. The supporting cast is terrific… I give it two extra lives up!

Twilight the End of the Saga

Um… Listen… if you’ve already seen the first three, you gotta finish it, amirite? Of course I am. Under no circumstances should you see this movie if you haven’t seen the first three. Corollary to that: under no circumstances should you see the first three if you haven’t already.

Skyfall

No spoilers, but this movie IS AWESOME! Best Bond movie EVER! Okay, one spoiler: the bad guy throws A TRAIN AT JAMES BOND! DUDE! He’s all “Well, well Mister Bond” and then BOOM throws a train at him! So, you know, if seeing trains thrown at a spy is not your thing, then go ahead and don’t watch Skyfall, communist. *whistles*

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November movie reviews

Monday, November 5th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Oh Dawn, WHAT HAPPENED??!

It’s been DAYS since November started!

DAYS!

I know, I know, my poor long suffering adoring audience, I have not forgotten you! So here, without further ado (or to-do, but definitely not “adieu” as Ms. Cattell-Gordon explained to me in the eighth grade) are your November movie reviews! *inserts applause*

The Sitter

This stars that used to be fat comedian kid who was in Moneyball. I actually liked this movie. It’s short, the kids are cute, aside from some poopy fart jokes, the humor isn’t too crude. It’s about a layabout who gets roped into babysitting so his poor middle-aged mother can finally go on a date. The children are monsters – OR are they just misunderstood. Eh… eh… ARE THEY? Yeah…so…moving on.

People Like Us

This movie is TERRIIBLE. Alceste was all “no thank you,” when I offered to let him watch it with me. It’s about some adrift scam artist dude whose music producer dad dies and leaves him a bag of money and a note telling him to give all the money to the dead dad’s bastard daughter and her bastard son. Oh, whoops…people don’t use the word bastard anymore… illegitimate… why does that sound WORSE? Non child of marriage? WHATEVS. But he’s an adrift scam artist and he’s all – this bag of money could help ME! But then he stalks his half sister and sees that her life is a wreck, so he gives her the money, but she IS a wreck so she falls in love with him and then he’s all “I’m your brother.” Okay, I am making this movie sound good. It’s not. I swear it’s not. Don’t do it.

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Octoberfest…of movies!

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012 by Dawn Summers

This month was an almost perfect balance of the dreadful and the sublime, so let’s get on with it, shall we?

A Better Life
This movie stars the Mexican drug cartel guy from Weeds. You know, the one who tries to kill Nancy a million times and pisses us all off by failing? Yeah, so I started off already bitter at him. But slowly, in this story about an illegal immigrant trying to raise his son and steer clear of Johnny law, he wins me over. His performance is so steady and understated, just like his character. I actually found myself saying “oh please let this work out,” as he borrows money from his sister to buy a mobile landscaping business. And you all know how I hate lawbreakers! Good movie.

An American Werewolf in London
One sublime down, on to the dreadful. Actually, I guess I can’t really complain. It’s not the movie’s fault that it was made in the 1980s before people knew how to gin up a proper werewolf. Also, at least he’s wrecking havoc in London and not here in my sunny beautiful America. However, the plot is terrible. Two boys walk through a mysterious countryside and the villagers, instead of being all “hey, stupid Americans don’t go getting all eaten by the werewolf,” they sit idly by and watch ANOTHER werewolf get created. AND THEN, even though ALL signs point to his wolfiness, still no one believes him. Oy vey. Listen, if you’re a werewolf, you will only ever have to tell me ONCE. HECK…I’m pretty sure YOU ARE one. Yeah…YOU!

Pariah
Good, bad…ooh, good again! This low budget movie is the coming out story of a teenage girl. Now, I don’t like that it paints all tomboys as lesbians, but the story it tells was personal and plausible enough for me not to roll my eyes at some of the stereotypical parts. I likeded it.

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September movie reviews

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I’ve been toying with the idea of rewatching movies that I already love just to see if I still think they’re awesome. So, I kinda sorta started that this month. I was inspired to rewatch the Nolan Batman series after a conversation with one of my friends that went something like:

Me: “I LOVE Batman Begins!”
Him: Yeah, that one is pretty good. Katie Holmes is in that, right?
Me: No. Katie Holmes sucks and I could never like a Katie Holmes movie.
Him: Oh. I thought she was in that.
Me: Nope.

Batman Begins

So, first things first. Yes, in fact, Katie Holmes WAS in this. Ergo therefore, DUDE, what was I thinking?? This movie SUCKS. I mean, to say it sucked, isn’t exactly right, but good lord, it was BORING AS HELL. It takes like 90 minutes for it to get any place I want to be and then it just rushes through the end and I don’t even get the satisfaction of Batman killing the bad guy. Does Scarecrow live? What was the deal with Scarecrow anyways? BOOOOO. BOOOOO. Stupid Katie Holmes RUINS EVERYTHING!

The Dark Knight

Now THIS Batman was the bees knees! Fast paced action from start to finish… although, again, not really sure what happens with the Joker and the end makes no kind of sense at all. If they have to lie to protect Two Face, why don’t they just pin all his crimes on the Joker? THINK THINGS THROUGH PEOPLE! But I liked this movie just the same and I didn’t have to pause it a billion times because I was falling asleep… looking at you Batman Begins.

The next in the rewind endeavor was The Matrix.

The Matrix might have been the first sci fi movie that I saw in a theater (unless ET counts). I remember leaving the theater thoroughly convinced that the movie was real and we were, in fact, no more than strings of ones and zeroes. I may or may not have sorta kinda ran in front of a cab to test this theory. Sorry, mister cab driver. Allegedly. It mostly held up on second viewing, though, Keanu is pretty bad. Not Mark Hamill bad, but not good.

Matrix Reloaded

I liked all the Mister Smiths. And the Superman stuff. Um. Not so much with the underground hobo world and why is everyone wearing sunglasses when they never see the sun? Do they just not know that’s what they’re for? This movie was fine, not nearly as clever or engaging or believable as the first one…

Matrix Revolutions

Um. This movie was dumb. No, I mean super dumb. Like it hurt my brain matter. Interestingly, I attempted to discuss this movie with my friends who are all super Matrix fans and they all, to a man, insist that the Matrix had no sequels. And then I was all “but, I just watch–” and they were all “Let me stop you right there, Dawn Summers. I said the Matrix has NO SEQUELS. Don’t make me tell you again.” And there were threatening hand gestures like sliding the index finger across the throat and much glaring. So Iono, man, I thought I saw sequels — but I guess not.

So, we’ll see if I keep doing the rewind stuff — so far, the results have been mixed. Maybe I’ll do the Superman series next…anyway, back to the new stuff

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Happy August!

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I reviewed a bunch of movies over on Filmchaw!