Clareified

“We should have seen Ironman” -Karol

UPDATE: “This movie’s not as bad as Hitler.” -Karol

I can’t believe I rented this movie…but I loved this scene

Oh and Platoon sucked.

Wait…so Platoon’s not the movie with Marlon Brando in the jungle?

Seriously? I didn’t really leave the first one thinking I had any unanswered questions…except why the hell did they make that movie. I get Rory and that talks to God girl needing cash, but you’d think America Ferrera would have “say no” money from Ugly Betty.

Stupid Beaches.

I hereby break my tradition of waiting until I have racked up ten or more movies before writing a review to bring you this all important announcement about Cloverfield.
Don’t.
Just DON’T.

Here’s a synopsis: Collection of the most irritating, self-absorbed, whiny, pretentious, pathetic, annoying twenty-somethings ever gathered under one roof get eaten by monster. Thank you, monster.

(Seriously, monster is eating Manhattan and guy is like ‘oh, the girl I love most in the world just left me a message on my cell phone saying she is trapped under a wall in her apartment, I have to go save her. And then his three stupid friends are like ‘okay! can we come!’ And then they get there and the stupid girl isn’t under a wall at all, she’s just got like a rod stuck in her arm. DUDE. DUUUUDE. And the worst part?? THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART they don’tg even really show us the idiots getting killed, so that we can at least take satisfaction in knowing that they are dead.)

For some reason I had thought this was one of the movies up for the best picture Oscar and I almost went to see it in the theater. JJ Abrams is soooo lucky I didn’t because I would have had to hunt him down and kill him. Violently. And then, for what he did to Alias, I would have mangled his corpse.

Oh, and this by the way is why I love living in Brooklyn. See, you can go to Manhattan whenever you want, but on the days when godzilla is there killing people and destroying buildings, I can stay home. Win/win.

Sequel to be named ‘I want to believe’

More importantly, is there anybody left who still cares?

Enchanted
A Disney movie come to life, starring McDreamy! What could there be to complain about? Nothing! Well, except for the paper thin plot, which as far as paper thin plots go, is still pretty paper thin. Why the evil witch doesn’t just kill Giselle from jump street —say push her down a real well until she drowned, instead of a well that goes to NYC, is beyond me. Or why she continues to want Giselle dead, even after it’s clear that she’s not going to marry the Prince, wacky. I did enjoy Susan Saradon. Oh, and even though the Oscar’s didn’t do it any justice, I actually like the big Central “How do you know?” love song number. If you like schmaltz, songs, cheesy implausible love stories because they still make you feel good inside, this is the movie for you.

Dewey Cox: Walk Hard
This movie rocked! Literally and figuratively. It’s funny, and clever and the music is good too.

No Country for Old Men
This movie was great for the first thirty minutes. But that’s just cause I’m a sicko who likes to see new and interesting ways to murder men on the big screen. Big ups to the decapitatioin by handcuffs and hole in head by vacuum cleaner. Other than that, this movie offers very little. The dialogue isn’t quotable like ‘There will be blood’ the characters aren’t empathize-with-able. I mean, I felt the most affection for the Bardem character because he really, really, really just wanted his money back and they kept making him kill people for it. It just wasn’t fair. Just.Give.Him.The.Money. The end was retarded, of course, and wow, what a waste of valuable time. The one thing I liked was when the woman at the end refuses to play the cointoss game because and I quote “it’s all you. The coin aint got nothing to do with it.” Yeah. And I love that he agrees with her. And then kills her ass. HA! Oh, did I just ruin the movie for you? Now, there’s no point in you seeing you? Good. You’re welcome. Please send me cash via the paypal button on my sidebar. Don’t make me have to kill.

Jane Austen Book Club

Okay, now, I may have been in a weird mood when I saw this movie. But, um, I kinda totally loved it. I love the Jocelyn character and the guy in it –Grigg. And the wayward lesbian daughter and Jimmy Smits and Judging Amy and Maggie from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Even Riley, who usually makes me cringe and vomit when I see him, was terrific!! The movie is about women, and one guy who form a book club to read through Jane Austen’s six novels. The guy kinda does it, to get closer to Jocelyn. He’s asci fi geek, but agrees to read the Austen books because she asked him to – leading to the best scene in the movie when he’s all “I read your favorite books because I thought you would read mine. But no, you just want to be obeyed…that’s why you have dogs,” and then he walks away! Awww. Great great stuff. Again, it’s a cheesy love story, but the writing was smart and the acting was believeable. Me liked.

Sweeney Todd
I saw this onstage with one of my best friends when we were in college. She was fighting with her boyfriend and we were both in a murderous mood, she because of the boyfriend and me because…um…it might just be my natural state. Anyway, I loved it then and I thought the adding of Johnny Depp would only deepen that love. And sure enough, I thoroughly enjoyed the opening number…but then, I dunno. The movie became so ordinary. How do you make the murder and cooking of people into pies, ordinary, you ask? Yeah…I dunno. But I was disappointed. It’s a great cast though – Giles from Buffy is in it! I miss him. Oh, and if you want to see Borat beaten to death with an iron tea kettle, this is the movie for you!!! Other than that…you can skip it.

Lions and Lambs

This movie can best be described as a talkie. It’s all blah blah blah war, blah blah blah journalistic integrity. It has a collection of the finest actors from yesteryear (Streep, Redford, Cruise) but all they do is yammer for two hours, all signifiying nothing. There is a speech that Redford gives about ten minutes before the movie ends that sorta sent me into an existential crises of self doubt and crippling regret, but I’ll write about that in a different kind of post. The end is surprising, and sorta redeems like 30 minutes of the yammering – but all in all, this movie was bad.

Rendition

I was afraid this was also going to be a talkie…or a craptacular morality tale like Angelina Jolie in the Danny Pearl story. But it wasn’t. I mean, it wasn’t good. It was still an unbelieveable story of a man kidnapped by the American government and tortured in Eygpt or somewhere, only to be saved when his American interrogator has a change of heart, calls up the Washington post to expose the story and frees the man. I mean honestly. People in real life don’t have those kinds of heart changes. Reese Witherspoon is not her usual charming self in this film and borders on the annoying. I liked the young Muslims in love until the tragic “suicide” bombing at the end. I dunno…if your videostore is out of everything but No Country for Old Men, go ahead and rent Rendition

Margot at the Wedding

This movie stars Nicole Kidman and Jack Black…see, so you think it’s going to be good. You’re all “Oh, Nicole Kidman!” This is going to be good! Jack Black? This is going to be funny! Yeah, you’d be wrong. Hopelessly, my eyes are bleeding, my ears are ringing, wrong. Oh man. Suckhorriblenesss. Oh, but if you’re into Nicole Kidman masturbating in her childhood bedroom, rent away.

Love in the Time of Cholera
Um…this movie was interesting. It’s a about a man who falls in love with a girl at the age of 21, but the girl’s father doesn’t think he’s good enough for her, so ships her away, where she is wooed and marries a doctor. The man, however, decides to spend the rest of his life loving her anyway and waiting for her husband to die. He waits fifty years and finally, his big chance comes and he goes to her the day of her husband’s funeral to declare his undying love. And she kicks him out of the house. That’s the first ten minutes of the movie right there…so to be honest, I don’t really remember what happens in the other 3 hours and 35 minutes. Why are the marquez movies so damn long? Um…there are some funny scenes and it’s very beautifully shot…yeah, nevermind, don’t bother.

Nancy Drew
Okay, this movie blew. Why on earth was Bruce Willis in it! Ugh. The movie is not at all self aware, like the Gellar Scooby Doo movies; yet, it wasn’t a believeable murder mystery movie either. Blah. Plus, I hated the Nancy Drew character with the fiery passion of a thousand hot pokers and her sidekicks sucked too. Plus, the dad was a moron. “No, sleuthing, Nancy!” “Okay, dad!” Kill me.

Saw IV

I saw it again last week, so good. But start from one! You can skip three, if that helps

Dan in Real Life
Just your average boy meets girl, boy finds out girl is dating brother, boy steals girl from brother lovestory. It stars Steve Carrell, so there are some funny moments with him playing a widower with three daughters. The movie takes place at a family reunion, so there are all sorts of wacky parents, meddling children, tattletale siblings in the mix – but all in all, it was pretty bland fare. You kind of forget you saw it, very shortly after you pop it out of the DVD player.

Bee Movie
OH MY GOD DOES THIS MOVIE SUCK!!! SUUUUUCCCCKKKK. I mean, bee-woman love affair? Is Seinfeld kidding me? A talking bee class action lawsuit? Let me explain how bad this movie was. I saw Dan in Real life when pearatty was here and she was like ‘I’ve seen this already, but whatever, I’ll watch it again.” When I pulled out the Bee Movie again, she said “yeah, I’ve seen that already” and ran screaming from the room while scrubbing her eyeballs out with harsh detergents. HARSH detergents.
This movie wasn’t funny, cute, touching, believeable, quotable or watchable. VOMIT.

I am Legend
THIS MOVIE WAS PHENOMENAL!!! OH MY GOSH. Will Smith should have gotten an award of some kind (sorry Will, but Daniel Day Lewis was unrivaled for the best actor Oscar) He was so soo sooo good. This movie was wat Tom Hanks’ Wilson beach ball movie tried to be, a man acting onscreen alone for an hour and a half, but keeping the audience riveted to their seat. The writing was sharp, but dude, it was Smith who drives this movie all the way. GO SEE IT. SEE IT TWICE!

Things we Lost in the Fire
This movie was also great. Halle Barry and the guy from Traffic, plus Mulder. The touching story of a family torn apart when the father/husband is murdered and the drug addict best friend that tries to step in the help them, while trying to get off the smack. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll say ‘fuck you Halle for being so damn hot!’ Another must see.

Well, that’s it for this edition of Dawn’s movie roundup. Don’t say I never did nothing for ya.

Oh, I get it. His name is Max, they killed his family and now he’s mad.
Umm…and the sequel was because of the unresolved question of whether he was crazy Max or pissed off Max. He was evidently pissed off truck driving Max. They hinted at this a little in the first one when he handcuffs the guy’s leg to an exploding truck and gave him a hacksaw to cut through his leg.
Of course, in the third movie, when he is saved by.a.monkey., turns out… NO, he’s crazy Max! And look now he’s in Never Never land with the lost boys to prove it! And hey, isn’t that Ike Turner’s wife? What’s love got to do, got to do with it, indeed. NOTHING.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how Mary ended up on my list. Top five.

Man was that movie dumb. I mean, sure the guy throwing a double decker bus at Samuel L. Jackson was cool, but the rest of that flick was utter tripe. Did they pay Rachel Bilson by the whine? “No,no, what is going on? Tell tell mmmmeeee. Come onnnn?”
UGH. you just know there’s gonna be a sequel where Diane Lane is all “Anakin, I am your mother.”