I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.
Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away…so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I’M SOOOO MAD that I can’t watch anything anymore, so I’m taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.
12 Years a Slave
So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn’t hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.
This movie was great. It’s probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It’s a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It’s about americans in space or one woman’s journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded “eh, I likes what I likes.”)
Frank & The Robot
This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It’s about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It’s cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.
New Jack City
HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn’t have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!
Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL’S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn’t get to “remarry and have a kid with some other chick” while his “first wife” is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.
Archive for the 'Movies' Category
I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.
Ugh. Not to be confused with that Movember thing where savages walk around with hairy faces like cave people. Gross. You get running water, electricity and flat screen TVs, in exchange you shave your face. THAT IS CIVILIZATION, PEOPLE!!!
Okay, rant over, movie time!
It’s the holidays and stuff, so I planned to focus on a central theme like horror movies for Halloween or family movies for Thanksgiving. But, like always, I then remembered I’m terrible at plans and/or follow through, so we just watched a bunch of random films. Oh, I did manage to see a Jason Statham movie every Friday. Cause Friday is my shooty movies day because… brain something something. (Sorry, writing these on Friday and words are hard. Not a good day to start NanoMoSomething, but start it I will anyway! Crap. Where was I?) Hmm… can I review the Jason Statham movie I just finished because technically, it was a November movie? Eh, if you don’t tell, I won’t ask. That’s not how that goes.
Hashtag Friday Brain.
Jason Statham! Friday. You know what? There wasn’t that much shooting in this one. He plays a rogue British special ops guy who was ambushed in Afghanistan and killed a bunch of civilians in retaliation. Now he’s on the run from MI5 or 6 or Interpol or whatever. He’s hiding as a bum and befriends a runaway girl. But the girl gets taken in by pimps, so then he breaks into an apartment and steals that guys identity and then he becomes a hitman… um, and he makes out with a nun from the homeless shelter. Okay, okay I’m not explaining this right. Jason Statham. There are scenes where he’s shirtless. Moving on.
Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds
I liked this movie. I confess I accidentally clicked on it before I saw the Tyler Perry brand and didn’t turn it off when I saw his stupid face cause I figured I hadn’t shat all over a Tyler Perry movie in a while. But hey, it turns out he’s not always a repulsive sexist buffoon. Though, there were sexist buffoonish elements to this movie about a rich man who falls in love with the single mom janitor and quits his job to move to Africa with her. (Seriously, “Africa.” The camera pans on the boarding passes he gives her and it says “Africa 2:00 PM” I laughed.)
Take This Waltz
Okay, this is one of those movies that I can’t in good conscience tell anyone to watch cause, it IS weird… but it’s interesting. At first brush, this movie starring Michelle Williams seems like your typical annoying flighty girl meets boy movie. (“I’m afraid of being afraid” is sample dialogue from the first twenty minutes, during which she pretends to be wheelchair bound AND a tour guide.) And after you watch it, you will want to hunt down @astinto and lock him away in a dark, damp place with fire breathing bees coated in peanut oil as his only company. But, then you suddenly realize the whole movie basically tracks this chick on a love bender and you decide that’s kind of funny. Plus, bonus points for creative use of “video killed the radio star” outside of a trivia context.
Dr. Strangelove: Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
I remember seeing this movie in high school and loving it. As I started to rewatch it, I thought it wasn’t going to hold up, but then it totally did, and was still very funny. Mineshaft gap. HA! Oh, it’s about a crazy general who tries to give America a head start in the nuclear war by basically sneak attacking Russia first. Then hijinxs ensue. And we discover no fighting is allowed in the war room. LOL.
Behind the Candelabra
This is a movie on HBO. It was apparently rejected by movie theaters because it was too gay. I loved Liberace as a kid; I have owned many a pair of Liberace sneakers as an adult. I didn’t particularly care for this movie because it didn’t show very much of the stuff you love Liberace for – there are one or two scenes of him playing the piano and the showy stuff, but mostly it’s about him preying on young men for sex — which is less flattering. Douglas was great though. Matt Damon passable. It’s okay — but I don’t think Liberace fans will like it. I wish they’d do a Liberace, Liberace movie!
This was also an HBO movie. It’s about the Curb Your Enthusiasm guy getting kicked out of a car company by the Mad Men guy right before the company takes off. I thought it was awful. But to be fair, I hate Larry David. Like violently. I think he’s a disgusting unfunny hateful petty little man. But the posters do a good job of disguising him, so I didn’t realize it was Larry David until about twenty minutes in — around about when he was implying to a woman of color that because her hairdo doesn’t require daily shampooing, her hair must stink. See? Unfunny and disgusting. But you know, if you like him, this movie is for you. #Shade
This movie stars Beyonce and she gets ganked in the first twenty minutes. I don’t know why they don’t put that right there on the poster! It’s an animated feature, so I don’t think that’s particularly spoily. I mean, you do know someone gets ganked in the first twenty minutes of all animated features, right? It’s an okay movie about the fight of good and evil.
The Big Wedding Yarf. This movie is about a young couple getting married even though all their parents’ and siblings’ marriages are all dysfunctional. Robin Williams plays the priest. Blech. It’s an all star cast in a low caliber script. I’m guessing the screenwriter must be someone’s cousin or something.
The Great Gatsby Baz Luhrmann’s movies are pretty. They’re colorful and bright and interestingly staged. However, the syntax in his movies is always stilted. The Great Gatsby more so than the others. I think I would have preferred watching this movie on mute.
Star Trek: Into Darkness A sequel to the first Star Trek movie where Kirk gets the helm of the ship and is saddled with a merry band of misfits. Here, he breaks all the rules, is demoted and has to earn it all back! And then he pays the ultimate price! It was exciting. I liked Benedict Cumberbatch.
This movie is terrible. Terribly terrible. It’s about Tom Cruise clones. Nobody needs more than one Tom Cruise. Awful.
Now You see Me
I enjoy magic. And capers. So, this movie wasn’t the worst. I figured out the twist right away, but the movie wasn’t ruined. IT is unbelievably fantastic though.
Why. Who. WHAT. WHERE. I… poor John Candy that this piece of junk was his last movie. But HEY it introduced the world to McCauley Culkin!
Stories We Tell
Awww. I don’t know how I feel about this movie exactly. But I feel sorry for somebody, but I’m not quite sure who… I don’t want to lay out the options either, because the movie is worth a watch and all the entanglements partly drive the movie. It’s an indie film about a family. In Canada. Go watch it.
Remember when J-Lo used to make movies? She’s back. And actually, this movie is good. It’s an action revenge thingamabob. The bad guys leave Jason Statham for dead, BUT THEY’RE WRONG! Dun dun dun. J lo isn’t annoying and I think Patti Lupone is also in this. It was good. Very shooty. If you like shooty. Uh… it’s still shooty even if you don’t like shooty.
This movie was so sad. It’s about a dad who goes to Spain to collect his only child’s body after the son is killed on the first day of his pilgrimage. The dad then decides to complete his son’s journey. He meets people along the way. It’s sad. I totally want to do the journey now. But I don’t like walking or flying or Europe…so… *whistles*.
There’s a crazy lady at my job who told me Alexander Skarsgard was in this movie. She is a damn hell ass liar. It’s about Ex-CIA agent who works for a bank and then his teenage daughter comes to live with him after her mom dies. But THE BANK IS FAKE! THEY LIED TO HIM and now he’s targeted for assassination! And you are rooting for the assassins the whole way.
The Rum Diary
Barf. I can’t remember if I broke up with Johnny Depp after that horrendous Rango movie, but we are definitely done after this vomitously unforgettable bomb.
In the Land of Blood and Honey Oh my gosh. This movie was FANTASTIC. Fucking Angelina Jolie. CAN’T SHE FAIL AT ANYTHING?!?!?!? *throws all the shoes* It’s about the relationship between a Bosnian Serb soldier and a Bosnian Muslim woman through the war. Ugh. So gut wrenching. Humans are awful um… humans. So sad. Beautifully well done movie.
I watched this movie again in anticipation of the TV show SHIELD. It wasn’t as good the second time around. I still like Robert Downey Jr though… and the Hulk and Loki… okay, it was still pretty good.
Don’t Stop Believin’: Everyman’s Journey
This movie is a good theoretical story. The band Journey loses its front man and starts trolling youtube where they discover an unknown Filipino man. They fly him in, he’s amazing and they hire him. Racists complain, Filipinos flock to the band in record numbers, the singer’s life becomes a Cinderella story. But all that happens in the first 26 minutes, yet the movie is 100 minutes… after a while, it’s like “I get it. I feel good, applause applause… can we wrap this up now?” I did go buy a Journey CD after.
Into the Abyss is a documentary film written and directed by Werner Herzog about the death penalty. He definitely believes the death penalty is wrong, but the movie interviews people on all sides of the issue – the daughter of the victim who goes to the execution, the dude executed, the dude who was with the dude who was executed but only got life, the chick who marries the dude who got life after *reading* about his story. O_o It’s a look at a death penalty case where all the perpetrators are white men; there is no question about guilt or mental fitness. It’s interesting to see what your views on the death penalty are when divorced from “mitigating factors.” (Except poverty. Still a lot of the poverty.)
No. But it’s close.
This is a weird movie, right? I mean, I liked it. I thought it was funny. But it is a weird movie. I guess it’s about the integration of a San Diego television station (is that the right word for when they let chicks in? Hold on, lemmee google this “becoming co-ed”?) Whatevs, Kelly Bundy becomes an anchor and she is kinda shady and ambitious, so hijinks ensure. Weird movie.
Ugarles and Julius Goat said this is the prequel to Shawshank. It was okay. It hasn’t aged particularly well. But the fake movie they make at the end is hilarious and I would TOTALLY go see it. Oh, it’s about a producer who is so afraid he’s about to lose his job that he goes crazy. Sorta.
Pain & Gain
This movie is awful. Awfully awful. And you know how much I love the Rock. I love The Rock a lot. He was not Rock-y in this. UGH. HORRID. I’m… so it’s a “based on a true story” movie about body builders who decide to kidnap their clients and steal all their money. But they’re dumb, so… they make many mistakes along the way. The outdoor grilling of their murder victims’ hands was funny.
BLARGH. This movie is TUURRRIIBBBLLEEE. I don’t understand why Tina Fey or Paul Rudd are in this flick about a spinster admissions officer who well, is very into her job. Paul Rudd plays a do-goody hipster who won’t mind his own beeswax. He has a black son. Of course. *eyeroll* Badness.
Olympus Has Fallen
Z.O.M.G. THIS MOVIE IS FANTASTIC!!! FANTASTICLY FANTASTIC!!!!! Okay, so it opens like the beginning of that rock climbing Sylvester Stallone movie and you’re all bummed out and think well, it can’t get worse than this. AND THEN IT DOES! And then ninjas (Dawn is SO #races) attack the capital and then occupy the white house and the last thing the final secret service guy says before he dies is “Olympus has… fallen.” OR IS HE THE FINAL SECRET SERVICE GUY??? Dun dun dun. No, he’s not. THERE’S ANOTHER! MAAANNN. SO GOOD. ASPLOSIONS, GUN FIRE, HELICOPTER CRASHES, everything that makes a movie awesome AND NO STOOPID LOVE STORY! (Except the love of a man for his country!) *slow claps*
I swear I am going to fight the Academy. I’m going to fight it with fists. WHY ON EARTH was this movie nominated for Best anything?? The whole thing takes place in an apartment. But the old man is delusional and you’re not sure what’s real and what’s the opposite of real. The old lady is paralyzed and cranky. Everyone is French… Mon Dieu! Why am I watching this? Because… Oscar. Grrr. *shakes fist*
The End of Love
So… this movie is about the year after a young mom dies and how the young dad copes with raising their toddler alone. The toddler is a surprisingly good actor. I was mad at people who said Quvenzhane Wallis shouldn’t be eligible for an Oscar because she’s just a kid, but I guess if the director could get such a moving performance out of a three-year-old, maybe they might have a point. I dunno. But the toddler was the best part and should totes get an Oscar. The movie was weirdly uneven. One minute the dad is making cereal for his kid, the next George Michael from Arrested Development is waving a gun all around. It’s like, if he’s friends with Michael Cera, why is he hurting for money to pay his rent and feed the child? All in all it’s okay. But weird.
This movie is super cheesy, but still moving. It’s about Jackie Robinson integrating (HA! Now it’s the right word) major league baseball. It’s annoying how Harrison Ford (the owner of the Dodgers) is painted as the real hero, but cest la vie. I wish Brooklyn still had its own baseball team.
Based on Halle Berry’s hairstyle alone, I thought this movie was going to suck. Now, it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination, “good.” But it didn’t quite dip to the level of suck. So, there’s that. It’s about a 911 dispatcher who has already lost a girl to a brutal murderer and when the call comes in from another young female victim, she refuses to give up until she gets her back safe! Her hair looks terrible.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
THE ROCK! AND HE’S ROCKY! Whew, breakup averted! It’s a super cheesy cartoon villain meets cartoon hero movie. London gets fucked ALL the way up!
Um… it’s a remake of the 1990s flick Judge Dredd. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
Aww. In college, I could recite all the lines from Clueless verbatim. It still holds up as a quirky, if somewhat creepy, rom-com. I’m glad time has corrected the injustice of Alicia Silverstone being a bigger star than Paul Rudd. RIP Brittany Murphy. *cues rollin with the homies*
I saw Julius Goat and Dan England talking about this movie on twitter. It’s creeeeeee—pppyyy. Go see it. Then read the article in the new Yorker. DON’T READ THE ARTICLE FIRST, CHEATERS!
This “documentary” about how religion is destroying the world was awful. Bill Maher is rude, condescending and should be hit with a lightning bolt on sheer principle. Though, had I seen this movie first, I might not have spent hard earned money at Jesus world in Orlando. Bill Maher was right about that place. He’s still a dick though.
I’ve been dragging my heels on this one for weeks now, no idea why. This is probably how blogging died. Lethargy. Well, I’m here now, you’re here now, let’s do this thing!
Fast & Furious Six: Fasterererrerer with EXTREME FURIOUSITY
Loved it. Listen. LISTEN. Cars asplode. Vin Diesel. The Rock. That dude with the pretty eyes. I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT! Halfway through the the movie, I was all, maaaan, I hope they make enough Fasts and Furiouses so that you could spend a whole day just watching pretty cars get blown up by rocket launchers. THEY’RE HALFWAY THERE PEOPLE!!
Loved it. Recently, I heard the word “abortion” used to refer to something other than a fetus termination, and this has become my turn of phrase du jour. For instance, after the Ironman 2 abortion of a movie, I wrote off the franchise and even almost boycotted Avengers. I waited so long to even go see Ironman 3, it was no longer available in 3D. Didn’t care. But, I actually loved Ironman 3. It was funny, it made sense, I got to see bad things happen to Gwyneth Paltrow… stuff blows the hell up. I give it three iron thumbs up!
The Expendables 2
This is THEEE single greatest movie ever made in the 21st century. The good guy bursts into the church where the bad guys are preparing and stabs the lead bad guy in the face on top of the altar and then he goes “I now pronounce you man and KNIFE!” Get it? Get it? Instead of wife…knife…cause he stabbed him??? WITH A KNIFE!!! DUDE! *slow clap*
I TOTALLY FORGOT ALL ABOUT MAY MOVIE REVIEWS! I’m sorry to have worried you all. I am alive and well and not being held captive in a Cleveland house. Although, if I were being held captive, my captors would probably not let me blog about it — in fact, they’d probably make me say I wasn’t!
Maybe I should have a secret code word.
Hmm… how about, if I really AM being held captive in a house in Cleveland, but they still let me blog, I will write a post about how awesome Tyler Perry movies are! THAT WAY, you’ll DEFINITELY know that I AM IN TROUBLE AND YOU’LL SEND HELP! Preferably Tom Brady or Ryan Gosling, but 911 works too.
Okay, enough of my madness, you’ve waited LONG ENOUGH for my brilliant movie insights!
Speaking of Tyler Perry, I rented This is 40. It is not a Tyler Perry flick, but WOO BOY it may as well be. That Judd Apatow dude sure hates women almost as much as Tyler Perry does. And boy does it shine through in this movie about a shrewish wife who is unreasonably upset that her husband has squandered their money and now has to sell their house — OH, AND HE HASN’T BOTHERED TO TELL HER! Oh and never mind his intolerable insane irrational teenage daughters! RAWR! Oh, this poor poor man! Why LAWD? WHHYYYY? *Eyeroll* The only non stereotypical part of the movie is Albert Brooks playing the overbearing money grubbing Jewish dad. Oh…wait. Seriously: EYE. ROLL.
I was watching an episode of “Go On,” Matthew Perry’s underrated NBC sitcom, and they recreated a scene from Sixteen Candles, that I didn’t remember, so I rented it again. Oh good lord. This movie goes from dumb to offensive and back to dumb again with almost NO warning! The gonging sound at every mention of the Asian exchange student? The fact that the “hero” gives permission to “the geek” to rape his passed out girlfriend. I can’t. How is this a “cherished” classic? Ugh. I can’t. Did I already say that. YARF. Incidentally, my mom also forgot my sixteenth birthday. So, really this whole movie is a tragedy.
Pretty in Pink
The experience with Sixteen Candles led me to wonder if all John Hughes movies were horror shows disguised as family entertainment, so I watched this movie too. Oddly enough, as often as I’ve seen clips of Duckie lip synching to Otis Redding, I HAVE NEVER seen Pretty in Pink! It’s actually a cute movie and not at all a horror show. I liked the dad/daughter relationship and although the “poor girl in a rich school” thing was a bit contrived, I liked it and I liked the ending. And the lip synching was cool!
Central Park Five
Oh, America. I actually remember when these boys were arrested. All the newspapers were rife with stories about wilding and “the urban element” ruining New York City. The city’s “just not safe” is a refrain I heard over and over on the news. And I remember thinking “NO SHIT.” But that was before I realized no one cared that where *I* lived in New York City wasn’t safe, but CENTRAL PARK?? *GASP* *FAINT* ANYWAY, imagine my surprise that those “wilding animals” were released AND EXONERATED!! DUDE!!! I HAD NO IDEA! It’s sad that, like the famous quote goes, there is nowhere to go to get your reputation back. Turns out my litigation skills professor was the lead prosecutor too. Gulp! Sad. Interesting watch.
The Guilt Trip
THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC! I know what I’m about to type will sound strange, but why isn’t Barbra Streisand a bigger star? I can’t think of a bad Streisand movie! And doesn’t she also direct?? Fuck a Ben Affleck! Giimmmeeee more Babs! I had such LOW expectations for this movie because I super hate Seth Rogen, like really really mega hate, but he works in this movie and Streisand was GREAT. The script about an adult son inviting his mom along on a spur of the moment cross country roadtrip was pitch perfect. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. You’ll some sentence with schfitz or kvetch cause I’m totally racist. SO GOOD!
Silver Linings Playbook
You know what’s NOT good? Silver Linings Playbook. From the promos, I knew this movie was about Eagles fans, so my instinct was to stay far away. But then it got nominated for Oscars and that girl won the Meryl Streep, so I figured I must be missing something. NNOOOPPPEEEE. Terrible. It’s a terrible terrible terrible movie. It handles the issue of mental illness in a wretched sterotypey way (so poorly is therapy and medication handled that I assumed we were watching stuff that was only happening in the mind of the main character and that he was still just in the mental hospital. Again, NNNOOOPPPEEEE.) Bad. All bad. The black guy was funny though.
This is a movie about an Australian family living through a devasting tsunami that hit Thailand. First, now I’m scared of tsunamis. Second, it’s an okay “based on true events” kinda movie. But the focus on how devasted the tourists are gets very annoying when you think about how the people *who live in Thailand* probably maybe kinda sorta might also have suffered because THEIR *HOMES* WERE DESTROYED. Maybe?
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
This movie was fine. But I feel like I’m still watching it. You know, cause it’s long. And did they break out into song? I think that happened. But I don’t wanna rewind to find out cause…you know, long. Just read the book, buddy.
I don’t know what I expected from this movie. I read lots of angry headlines about it (I skip reading whole reviews because I don’t like spoilers) and I thought it was going to be racisty or something. But it was your run of the mill Tarantino bloodshedfest and I loved every minute of it. Tarantino gives good gratuitous violence AND I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT!
Life of Pi
This book was the first book I ever read for a “book club.” It was also the first book I read “for discussion” since I’d graduated from law school, so I read carefully and took notes of recurring themes and plot points and then, of course, I went and discovered “book clubs” were just fronts for wine drinking. That was also when I discovered people used “fronts” for wine drinking! WHAT? Anyway, I loved the book and I thought the movie captured the book PERFECTLY. I can’t even explain it, but it felt like re-reading the book, even though the movie deviated in some big ways. I liked Life of Pi and highly recommend it! So good!
Mini’s First Time
Unlike Mini’s First Time, which was bad. Super bad, but not like Superbad, which was good. BARF. Alec Baldwin plays a stepfather who starts an affair with his stepdaughter and then they kill the mom and the police get involved and.. BLAH BLAH SO BAD! The acting is bad, the script is bad, the film quality is grainy, the sound mixing IS THE WORST. (Okay, I don’t know what sound mixing actually is, but since there was NO part of this movie that was good, I stand by my assesment!) YARF!
Rust and Bone
Sometimes, I like to play this game when watching a movie. When people are talking, I’ll fill in a completely inappropriate response. Or when people are casually strolling through a park, I’ll imagine a meteor falling to earth and crushing one of them. Then I’ll laugh and continue watching whatever drivel the movie ACTUALLY offers. WELL. Rust and Bone was all JOKE’S ON YOU, SUMMERS! Cause there I am all giggling about their casual stroll through the park when WHAM A METEOR ACTUALLY FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND CRUSHES ONE OF THEM! (Metaphorically, of course. I don’t wanna say what actually happens because IT’S SO SHOCKING! But, if you know me or have read much of my work, know this: I CALLED THAT SHIT!) Anyway, so then the meteor crushes one of them and the movie continues and you get complacent and listen to the dialogue and then you, meaning me, imagines some other crazy left field thing happening AND THEN THAT HAPPENS! And you’re, meaning me, SO SORRY! YOU’re ALL “I WAS KIDDING!! NOOO, Don’t do that!!!” And Rust and Bone just sits there AND LAUGHS. SO CRUEL. But good. I’m sorry. SO SO SO SORRY *TEN STANCE*
Rise of the Guardians
This is a dumb animated feature about what would happen if the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were really like a band of super friends fighting off the evil….um…death maybe? no…something…I think Jude Law was the voice. Blech. It’s dumb. It’s not for kids, it’s not for grownups. Meh.
I was going to send Julius Goat a tweet yesterday containing my usual foot tapping, so he would think I had my April movie review post done. BUT THEN, nothing would be there because it WASN’T done! And then I would say “April Fool’s” and laugh and laugh. But then I got distracted with Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, the Mets and the Rangers and next thing you know, it’s April 2nd and the post actually IS done, so… (and this is why Dawn Summers can’t get nowhere as a prankster.)
Anyhoo…this see what we have here…
BBBOOORRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGG. I don’t know why this movie isn’t called “The Thirteenth Amendment.” Because that’s all it’s about. It’s not about Abraham Lincoln – not about his childhood or his marriage or his children or even his presidency, really – it’s about the twelve months preceding the ratification of the thirteenth amendment. Sadly, even though Spielberg chooses this narrow sliver of a political moment, he still mostly gets it wrong and manages to whitewash all black involvement out of it, save the occasional sad eyes of his wife’s black maid or Senator Stevens’ black lover who is unveiled in the last scene. Eye roll. Joe Morton could totes have played Frederick Douglass! I deeply and sincerely hate Hollywood sometimes. Anyway, bah. This movie is dumb and boring. And I have no idea why any of these people were nominated for anything.
This movie is a cute little romantic comedy about a work from home customer service representative who decides to robo call random strangers during the day. There’s a surprise ending that I didn’t see coming.
The Brother from Another Planet
This movie was weird. It’s about an alien who takes the form of a black man and lands in Harlem. He is being chased by other aliens, but it’s not really made clear in the movie why or who they are. The movie chiefly runs on the premise – hey, he’s an alien, but he’s a black guy! Get it? Cause America kinda treats black guys like *they’re* aliens… eh… eh… GET IT??! Some of it works, some of it doesn’t.
This movie was great. Oh, I meant to google this before I wrote the racist-ish sentence I’m about to write, but… uh… hi, I’m super lazy. Racist sentence coming in 3…2… so this movie is about people in Iran or Iraq or somewhere in that region of the world (hangs head in shame) the woman wants to come to America, the husband doesn’t want to because he has to care for his senile father. The woman files for divorce hoping the husband will change his mind rather than get divorced. He doesn’t and then he has to hire a woman worker to do the housekeeping/caretaking. Some stuff happens and the police are called. And then it gets sad. There is a preteen daughter involved. Sniff sniff.
As I reread these movie reviews, I decided this entire post needed to be prefaced with 1. I’m not working. 2. I was drinking heavily yesterday (I bit into a red scrunchie thinking it was a red velvet cupcake. That sounds bad, but in my defense, I was eating a red velvet cupcake and the scrunchie was on the table next to the plate and was the same shade of red…um… and it was dark…) 3. My focus is not sharp under the best of circumstances, so in light of 1 and 2…uh… good luck and good night.
I saw this movie three days before the Oscars. I confess, it was a last ditch (hahaha I typed that, then I had the feeling that the expression was actually “last stitch,” which kinda would totally make sense, so I looked it up to make sure… it’s not. It’s ditch. But since google auto filled in my question, apparently LOTS of people also believe last stitch would make sense.) effort to derail the Argo best picture train. I have not seen the winner of best picture, before the awards show, since 2006 (OMG! DRIVING MISS DAISY WON BEST PICTURE???! WHAT IN THE HELL?!! DOES JULIUS GOAT KNOW ABOUT THIS??!) so I was hoping to “Dawn Summers” Argo. It didn’t work. Congratulations Benjamin Affleck. How has he not become the AFLAC spokesman yet? AFFLLACCK. I liked this movie very much. It fills in that gap between historical events that I was too young to understand and not yet covered on the AP American History exam. Pretty much 1978-1983. So, basically Canada and Hollywood saved the world? Or is it Hollywood and Canada? Canallywood? I thought the cast was good; the script takes a turn into eye roll town when the hostages are all “No way! We’re not doing this! I don’t know you, that’s my purse!” Pfft. If I’m sent to help someone and they tell me “nah.” I’m turning right around and going home. Conversely, if someone comes and says “I’m here to help you.” I’m going to be all “Thank God! Get me outta this dump, my DVR is probably at 100% full by now!”
I don’t have words for how terrible this movie is, so I’m going to invent some. Flegadfically harminuen unwafaschatable dreft. GRAWESD! Winona Ryder is dislitching unperimsetive …making up words is harder than I thought. But don’t rent this movie, bro. I’m serious. Also, is there an “OHMIGOD I HATE JAMES FRANCO SO FUCKING MUCH” club/twitter or tumblr? I would like to join. This movie is filled with close-ups of his smug shitty face and the perennial hardened spittle crud at the side of his smirky mouth. I HATE HIM! Oh? What’s the movie about? It’s a dream. Or a play. Or a play within a dream about a play or a dream. *throws stapler*
This movie is also garbage. It starts off promisingly enough … it’s funny, my biggest complaint about it while I was watching was how unbelievable it all was, then the line “based on real events” scrolled by before the credits and I laughed. Listen, if the dude really did start smoking crack at the age of thirty after his dad started living at the homeless shelter where he worked, what can I tell ya. It’s dumb. Robert DeNiro phoned in the performance from a beachfront condo in Maui. And the connection was spotty.
Sigh. This movie was TERRIBLE. It’s about a struggling screenplay writer who is writing a screenplay called “Seven Psychopaths.” Eye roll. So it’s half “movie” and half “stuff really happening” but all bad. Blech. There are a few funny moments, like when that guy from Pulp Fiction who hid the watch in his ass is talking about the script and says “the women are all terrible. They’re either naked or dumb” Which… you know.
Hit & Run
Yet another dreadfully stupid movie. Veronica Mars should never make movies. Ever. She makes really bad choices. The premise of this movie is that she gets engaged to a dude in the witness protection program, and then gets a job in LA, so he has to leave to program to drive her. BUT FIRST, she’s got to go to her ex-boyfriend’s house to get her teaching certificate! SO HE FOLLOWS THEM, calls the guys the fiancée is hiding from AND THE CHASE IS AFOOT. EYE. ROLL.
Wow. I saw a lot of AWFUL movies this month. Okay, so the people who kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in the first one, are all pissed off that he killed all their sons, brothers, friends and cousins in order to get her back, so… THEY DECIDE TO KIDNAP HER AGAIN! AND HIS WIFE! DUDE. DUUUUUDDDDEEEEEEE. How do you say “worst plan ever” in Farsi? Blargh. It’s very predictable and dumb after that. There is not a single genuine moment in the whole mess. Mercifully, it’s short.
GOOD LORD. THIS FLICK? ALSO AWFUL. I had to google it to remember what the plot was. It’s Bradley Cooper playing a writer within a novel who finds a novel in an old beat up briefcase and decides to pass it off as his own. Obviously, he becomes a big success and so the actual author finds him… you know, on his break when he’s sitting on a bench in a park. Do people actually go to parks alone to sit on a bench? Does anything good ever come from this? Run. Run far away from anywhere this movie might be shown.
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Um… I was expecting much worse considering this is a Coen Brothers movie. But it was actually decent. It helps that they got an actual storyteller to draft the plot, though they do manage to Coen Brothers it up a bit and I have no idea what was going on between them finding the frog and ending up in the movie theater. But it wasn’t unbearable…
Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
…which I cannot say for this movie. I decided to try to watch all of Jodie Foster’s movies. She was in this one when she was a kid. I had NO IDEA it was the precursor to Alice the TV show, WHICH I LOVED! However, this movie bears NO relation to the TV show. Alice is played to be AN ANNOYING AS HELL middle aged loser. Her son is a brat. The romantic leads are both dicks. And Mel is a shell of his lovable curmudgeony self. UGH. This movie is awful. Thank God they changed everything for the TV show.
Trouble With the Curve
I wish this movie would have just been video of an empty chair. The plot is dumb, the dialogue is dumb, the characters are dumb and then, just to give you respite from dumb, they throw in racism. Three parts dumb, one part racism, shake vigorously and drink until you pass out, fall down a flight of stairs and die from brain swelling. *throws vase*
Your Sister’s Sister
Hmm. This movie starts off strong, then gets terrible, then ends well. So, I don’t know what to tell you. You’ll be annoyed for a good fifty minutes, but by the end you won’t want to throw anything. It is sort of a romantic comedy, I can say that. Sorta.
I confess, I did not think about Black History Month when I chose these movies. However, as I wrote up the reviews, I realized many of these films had black leads, which almost NEVER happens unless I’m being intentionally racist about my choices. But there you have it!
This movie is about competitive butter sculpting in Iowa or Utah… one of those states that you don’t think about unless your guy is trailing in presidential polls. The twist is, sigh, okay, when I finished the movie I was annoyed, so I was going to tell you the twist, but it’s been three weeks, and I’ve been annoyed by so much more since then that… I won’t. But here’s a hint. The star of the movie about competitive butter sculpting *IN IOWA OR UTAH* is a little black girl. *files nails* It’s an okay movie.
I picked this as part of my quest to see every Ryan Gosling movie ever made so that when I meet him, I can be all “I LOVED YOU IN *insert obscure movie that ONLY I know about.*” Then he smiles at me and says “thanks.” And THEN I faint and he catches me and…wait, where was I? Right, Half Nelson. I have NO idea why this movie is called Half Nelson. No one is named Nelson and it’s not about wrestling. It’s about an “inner city” teacher who is also a drug addict (Gosling) and the little black girl who catches him smoking crack in the bathroom and how they try to save each other. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.
Z.O.M.G. HOW DID I WASTE THREE TERRIBLES *BEFORE* I GOT TO ABSENT??!?!!?!?! DAMMIT, PATRICE! Okay, so this is a “documentary” about “absentee fathers” and the “father wound” that children from “fatherless” homes suffer, due to the absence of the aforementioned father. Now, as a child raised by a single mother, I was quite surprised to learn that I am a hypersexualized whore seeking approval from men. Evidently, I had many children when I was a teenager by many different fathers and if those children were girls, they too now are hypersexualized whores. For the men who were raised in “fatherless” households, you are rapers and arsonists who kill yourselves. So sorry. The problem is… the movie seeks out the most damaged people they can find, puts them on film and then says “SEEEEEE?” Never mind, that one of their damaged whore women WAS RAISED BY HER DAD WHO MOLESTED HER. Or that one of the “damaged” was a drummer or singer in one of those Hair Bands AND WAS RAISED BY BOTH PARENTS!?!?! AND IS A SUCCESSFUL music celebrity guy now (I don’t know who he is. Al Can’t Hang and Bad Blood would know though…(James Hatfield or something like that) ARRGGHHH. I WAS SO MAD. (Could you tell?) The movie opens with a little girl struggling to ride a bike, but she keeps falling over and then scrapes her knee and starts crying. And of course, I’m all the cameraman is the asshole here. And then at the end, a man appears from the park to help her ride AND SHE DOES. Then she probably blows him. WHAT? THIS “documentary” SUCKED IT, why wouldn’t that kid. Okay, that was inappropriate. My bad, I have a father wound!
This movie was great. It’s an Italian flick about a fatherless boy and his friendship with the town film runner guy (that’s not the right word…projectionist? That’s better.) It’s a bit contrived how they get it so the old man teaches the boy how to be a projectionist even though he knows it’s unsafe AND promises the kid’s mom he wouldn’t. And then it’s creepy how the old man fakes an injury so he never has to run the stupid projector ever again. But all in all, it was haunting and nostalgic and will make you very very sad… even though I think the message of the movie is that nostalgia is dumb and everyone needs parking lots. I don’t know. I don’t speak Italian. Sigh.
The Thin Blue Line
This is a great documentary about a man on death row after he was wrongly convicted of murdering a cop. Give you one guess what state it’s set in. ONLY ONE. NO PEEKING! If you guessed anywhere but Texas, I laugh at you.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING!!! It’s a fictional survival story set in Louisiana around a Katrina-ish hurricane/flooding event. It’s about a plucky six year old and her sick, abusive dad who are basically living off the land/river. (My favorite part is when he leaves her for a few days and she thinks to herself, well, if he doesn’t come back soon, I’m going to have to eat my pets.) It’s great. Funny, terrifying, insprational. Me likey.
Julius Goat’s review captures my thoughts on this movie fairly well. I liked it a lot. It’s not what you think from the trailer, though the ending is one we’ve seen before. I wonder if there is a director’s cut with an alternative ending floating around out there.
This movie is gross, homophobic, sexist, lame and juvenile. Sadly, I think that was the point, so “well done, guy who is going to host the Oscars?” Sigh. And, dear lord, someone get Ryan Reynolds’ career a reboot. AND FAST. (I did like the line where the teddy bear is all “That’s awesome. A quarterback who saves the world. Tom Brady could do that! And then Marky Mark is all “Tom Brady COULD do that!” Tom Brady so could.)
Um… the next two movies are both, animated “horror-flicks” starring little boys. I admit right now, I’m not quite sure which was which. However, I thought both were okay, but absolutely missable. I don’t think either would be really appropriate for true kids, but I think teenagers will think they’re dumb. I really don’t know who the target audience is for a flick about a resurrected dog. And other pet zombies. Meh.
See above Frankenweenie review. I really don’t know who the target audience is for a flick about a boy who sees dead people and tries to save the town from a ressurrected witch. Meh.
The Bourne Legacy
Good glory lord in heaven this movie was bad and long and bad and…um…long. Blarf. It’s about a rogue super soldier and the scientist on the run with him.
This movie is NOT about baseball! And that’s perfect! It’s about college acapella group singing competitions. And there’s a romantic comedy aspect to it. It’s very funny and I loved it, but there is a lot of singing and dancing, so if that’s not your thing etc. etc.
This movie took me 24 days to finish and it’s only 92 minutes long. It’s about a bike messenger — who graduated from an Ivy League Law School, mind you, who SAVES THE WORLD ONE SPOKE AT A TIME! ONE GOTDAMN SPOKE AT A TIME. I’m kidding. There are lots of spokes all going at the same time. It is laughably awful. And then it’s agonizingly awful. And then it’s sad, and you wonder, why didn’t I become a bike messenger after graduating law school?!! I’d probably be dead by now AND NOT WATCHING PREMIUM RUSH!
After not dying ice skating, we headed off to Times Square for Part Two of Ice Skating and Les Miserables.
I should note that I am a Les Miz super fan. I saw it on Broadway as a teenager and I’ve seen it, on stage, in whole or part, about thirty times since then, including a viewing in London. I had the cassette tapes of the Symphonic version (took up both sides of four tapes). I’ve had the CDs (three) and, of course, now I have them on my ipod. I also have the Broadway and London cast recordings, but the Symphonic is my favorite. I also own the PBS airing. So… yeah Les Miz SUPER FAN number 24601. See what I did there?
I wrote a post once about how much I love this musical (and the book) but I can’t find it to link to it… sadface. Anyway, I was very excited about this new musical version. (I love love LOVE Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman.)
I avoided any news or reviews about it because I didn’t want to prejudge anything. As we walked over, Petitedov said she thought I was going to hate it.
The theater was PACKED, which was surprising for a Saturday afternoon showing WEEKS after the movie came out, so I thought this was a good sign. Clearly people had returned to see it more than once!
The theater got dark and the familiar chords of Look Down started…oh man… oh man… oh man….
HEY LOOK! A BLACK GUY!
AND ANOTHER ONE!
Focus Dawn… stop playing count the black people…TWO… I SAID STOP IT!!
I’m singing along (silently, I’m not a dick) when suddenly, there is Russell Crowe and…wait… I thought I was singing silently, but he sounds just like I do when I sing (To wit: GOD AWFUL) AND THEY’VE CHANGED THE WORDS???!?!?!
Okay… breathe…. it’s fine. Maybe they just had to shorten it. This is fine…calm dow…ooh another black guy!
I settle back in.
This is not how Valjean ends up breaking his parole! GAH! AND THERE’S NO TALKING!!
WHAT IS THIS??? WHY DO THEY KEEEP CHANGING THE LYRICS?? AND GOOD GOD RUSSELL CROWE CAN’T SING!!! DO THEY REALIZE HOW BIG A SINGING PART JAVERT HAS??? IT’S HHUUGGGGEEEE!!!! LIKE ALMOST THE LEAD AMOUNT OF SINGING!!!
Horror steadily takes over.
Okay, so *spoiler alert* Fantine (Hathaway) is a single mother who comes to ruin after selling all her possessions, her hair AND THEN becoming a prostitute. In this movie, FOR SOME DAMN HELL ASS REASON, they ALSO have her sell HER TEETH! WHHHAAATTTT????
I thought Hathwaway was great, she did “I Dreamed a Dream” as well as I’ve ever heard it, but I’d already turned on the movie and was in full on snark mode. AND THERE WAS STILL TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO GO!
Not only did these dumb ass hacks add teeth selling and ridiculous Benny Hill Javert/Val Jean chase scenes *EYEROLL* THEY WROTE A NEW SONG!! A GROSS PEDOPHILIAC SONG FROM VAL JEAN TO COSETTE IN THE BACK OF A CARRIAGE!
Okay, so seriously, WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK?!?!?!
I would have left here, instead, I watched them butcher the entire second half. Where they give Marius a rich grandfather to disappoint O_O AND have Eponine stealing love letters O_o AND *VOMIT*
BLLAARRRGGHHH, I realize much of this is nitpicking, and I tried to imagine watching the movie without my decades of Les Miz knowledge. However, I could still not get around the fact that they hired a dude who couldn’t sing to star in a musical that was three hours long.
UN. For. Giv. Able.
I wanted to cheer the dam that bashed in Javert’s skull! STAND UP AND CHEER!! I meeannnn…. HONESTLY. (Later, Angela was like “yeah, I was so glad he was dead… but then they had all the dead people come back to sing some more!)
So, since I can’t get past that, I also convict them for crimes against the score, the assasination of the character of Eponine– they RUIN her death by making it seem like she’s gotten her comeuppance
for keeping Marius and Cosette apart, when she does EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. *THROWS MUSKETS* BAH.
OH AND the sideburns on Valjean just made me think “Wolverine” the whole time. NO BUENO.
(Borat and Tim Whatshisname’s wife were okay, but besides Anne Hathaway, the casting was off — Marius has a weird face and Cosette’s eyes are too big and I was terrified that Wolverine was going to claw everyone and Eponine wasn’t tragic enough.)
AVOID THIS MOVIE LIKE YOU WOULD A PLAGUE INFESTED SWARM OF BADLY SINGING RATS.