Mother May I?
Why do I give you guys this stuff for FREE?
So, my peoples what’s new? What’s happening? Your hockey team crapping out in the Stanley Cup Playoff? Yeah, mine too. It sucks. I’m also losing in the Stephane/Vinny hockey pool heads up match. Which, since I never lose to that fool heads up, leads me to believe hockey and all things hockey are racist. Let us never speak of them again.
Not much else is going on here, except I watched some movies, wanna hear about them? Here it goes:
Well, one month after declaring myself too old for high school movies, I found myself streaming this little chestnut on Netflix. Um. This movie is awful. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. So, this movie has been heralded through the ages for what, exactly? Ooh, Tina Fey writing it? Good for her. It’s not a good movie for girls — wow, does this movie HATE girls. It’s not a good movie for gay kids (why is the gay guy in the girls only gym meeting?) It’s not a good movie for racial or ethnic minorities (She lived in “Africa” — you know, someplace savage like that to prepare her for savagery of High School. See? aren’t we clever! let’s insert tigers taking down zebras for emphasis.) Eye. Motherfucking. Roll. This movie is bullshit on a sandwich.
Mean Girls 2
Much better than the original, if only because it involves a football game, but still wretched. It’s basically set at the same high school ten years later with different kids. The stereotypes are less offensive.
I feel like I did see this movie a billion years ago, but I didn’t really remember it. Basically, serial killers start offing the popular kids at school. One of them has a change of heart and kills the other one. I would prefer if the movie was just the dark imaginings of Winona Ryder because, otherwise, wow, the police are dumb as hell. But it’s unclear. It’s okay.
I have no idea why I rented this movie set in the 1970s about a washed up country singer who gets a job at a gas station and ends up marrying the widow owner and becoming a stepfather to her 8-year-old son. It’s not good.
This movie is almost the perfect film. Nothing explodes — but it’s got Zac Efron, it’s well written and tugs on all the nostalgia strings. I highly recommend it — you think it’s gonna be all cliched and gross, but then it’s not. It’ll make you want to call up your favorite teacher and tell them thanks. Unless, you hate phones.
I actually thought this flick about a man finding out his sperm donations have fathered more than 500 children worked. Vince Vaughn plays the lead, a slacker who works in the family meat shop who is forced to grow up quickly because his girlfriend is pregnant (
Robin from How I Met Your Mother — she and that whole relationship, are the weakest parts of the movie.) Basically, he finds out the news, then tracks down the kids one by one and tries to help their lives anonymously.
This movie about the Beltway snipers is eery. The movie concentrates on Lee malvo’s relationship with John Muhammed before they start out on the spree. It’s super creepy. I think it’s good, but creepy.
Saving Mr. Banks
This movie about the making of Mary Poppins is awful. It’s super misogynistic, though that may be a product of the time, but not cool. Ugh. Tom Hanks as Disney is fine, but they make the creator of Mary Poppins so unreasonable and unlikable that you are just angry and uncomfortable through the whole thing. And heck, that may be how the lady really was, but guess what, then don’t make a movie about her.
Ain’t Them Bodies Saints
I have no idea what this title is on about, but the movie is pretty good. It’s about a Bonnie and Clyde-ish couple that gets in a shoot out with the cops, but since the chick is pregnant, the man gives himself up and takes the rap for the all the crimes. Then the cop she shot falls in love with her and wants to marry her and father the kid, but the convict dad is all “I’m coming back for you both,” and then he breaks out of jail. Dun dun dun.
Kill Your Darlings
Booooooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I will never be here for the romanticization of real life murderers — especially when they’re ivy league educated, white male murderers and druggies. FUUUUCCCKKKKK TTTHHHEEEEEMMMMM. Oh, this movie is about Burroughs and the On the Road guy and Allen Ginsberg and how they murdered/helped cover up the murder of this gay guy. Of course, nothing happens to them and they go on to have successful publishing careers. I repeat, fuuuuuccccckkkk ttthhhhheeeeeemmmmmm.
Archive for the 'Movies' Category
So weird, I thought I watched a ton of movies this month, but evidently, I just watched lots of House of Cards and Bunheads and Futuramas. Anyway, here goes.?
30 for 30: Price of Gold This is a rehashing of the Nancy Kerrigan knee capping. Nancy Kerrigan herself did not sit for an interview, but her husband (who was also her old manager… SKETCH-EEE) did. However, Tonya Harding gives extensive interviews and the movie delves into her “hard life” (waaa, her mother hit her with a hairbrush one time) and she comes off really sympathetically. However, I watched another recent documentary about the incident. NBC aired one after the Olympics and Nancy Kerrigan was interviewed and whoa, Tonya Harding comes off as a psychopath and undid all the good that this 30 for 30 did.
Blue is the Warmest Color WHOA. So much naked. So so very much naked. All the naked. My eyes. Um. Where was I? It’s about a high school senior in France figuring out her sexuality through naked. It’s rated NC-17, which I didn’t find out till after, when I was just like, how is Netflix running pornography now? The movie is also in French, so you can’t even look away like the nice Catholic prude you were raised to be. However, if much naked women is your bag. You’re welcome. Don’t say I never did nothing for you.
Rush This movie is about a (real life, I guess, I meant to google, but forgot) race car driver rivalry. It’s great. I hate those rivalry movies where you are clearly supposed to root for one particular guy over the other (like Amadeus) this is much more balanced. And the movie made race car driving seem interesting!
The Spectacular Now Um… this movie is about high school seniors. Popular guy woos awkward comic book nerd girl after popular cheerleader dumps him. It sounds cliche, but they do it in a different enough way that it’s not boring. It’s not great either though. I give it two and a half Mellencamps.
Mr Nobody This movie was so long. Oh God. Why would it not end? Like, I felt there was some technology at play where they kept filming and adding on to the movie *as* I was watching it. This is three, maybe four movies, in one and that is just too much. Plus, they kick you straight in the nards at the end with the whole “none of this is real.” Complete with cackling laughter.
Red 2 This movie is cute and fun. Lots of shooting and explosions and “twists” (sure, you see them coming a mile away, but you pretend you don’t!) The exact right people die, *slow claps* Brava!
All is Lost O_o This is two hours of Robert Redford sailing. In the first minute, he awakes to discover his boat has taken on a lot of water, he is alone and ALL his radio equipment is destroyed by water. O_o So for two hours, he tries to survive. Oh, there is almost no speaking. Which, as I sat in my living room watching this movie alone, cursing and mocking it nonstop, struck me as hilarious. Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t mean you can’t talk. In fact, the silence seemed so forced — he doesn’t say “crap, I forgot the bag” or “Arrrgh, damn you Neptune!” and then shakes his fist? Boo. What? Is that weird? Are you not supposed to curse Neptune aloud when you’re alone on a sinking ship?
Running Scared Um. When Paul Walker died, everyone said this was his best movie ever, so I rented it. Those people are liars. Fast and Furious six was his best movie ever and I could have saved myself the month of waiting for Running Scared to become available and the three hours of bizarro chase scenes. Blargh. It was okay, I suppose. But twas no Fast and Furious six.
Machete Kills Mindless fun. Delivers on its title right away. Two machetes up! Looking forward to the next installment: Machete Kills in Space! I’m not kidding.
I’ve Loved You So Long Another french movie. And, a French movie I think I’ve seen before. It’s about a former doctor who kills her son, goes to prison and then has to live with the little sister she left behind before serving her fifteen year sentence. It’s good. I didn’t need to see it twice. But, obviously, it wasn’t memorable enough for me not to rent it again, but the synopsis is good enough to get you to rent it twice. Or something.
Enough Said I believe this was James Gandolfini’s last movie. I hereby declare it his best. Also, the Seinfeld woman’s best too. It’s about middle aged people dating. So awkward, yet very well done.
St. Trinian’s Two I love David Tennant. I will see anything if David Tennant is in it. David Tennant is in this. It’s very silly, but eh, I’ve got nothing else going on.
Elephant It’s basically a Columbine scenario movie. But shot all weirdly, from different perspectives and in a weird timeline. Eh, it’s not good.
Last Days From the same guy who did Elephant. I think it’s loosely based on Curt Kobain’s last days. Also, not good.
The Hunger Games
I rewatched this movie because it’s been a year since I’ve seen it and two years since I read the books. It holds up. It’s a good movie, much better than…
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
This flick was okay, I guess. I’m not a fan of movies without endings –obviously, I know that when you’re dealing with the middle of a trilogy, that’s what you’re going to get. Ugh, and then I 1. just found out they’re splitting Mockingjay into two films AND 2. I read it in the article about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death (he plays(played?) a key figure in the Quarter Quell games.) So, who knows WHAT’s going to happen now. Uh… I mean, condolences to his family. *whistles*
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
These movies are terrible. The Hobbit was terrible and I don’t just mean the desperate cries for an editor that drowns out the horrific dwarf singing, the “plots” are awful, the ridiculous saves for the stupid elves or hobbits or whatever the hell always swoops in to save them are terrible. Terrible Terrible terrible. I don’t know why I even watched this stupid movie, but I’m going to sum up my review with a line from the horrible film itself: I’m done with dwarves. Go away.
Inside Llewyn Davis
OMG. So, you know how the “open letter” has become the favored literary device of awful internet magazine writers everywhere? Inside Llewyn Davis is so fucking depressing, it’s basically an open suicide note. From the music, to the depressive lead character to the screeching supporting cast — the worst part is that it is seductively depressing. You like Llewyn Davis AND the people who hate Llewyn Davis — anytime the movie introduces optimistic or supportive characters you want to kick them in the nuts and make them eat their fucking cereal bowls. Uh… hypothetically. And since, as is well recorded in this blog, I fucking hate the Coen Brothers (and the rest of their family probably) trust me when I say this movie is great.
Mmmm… I read a lot of positive reviews of this movie. A LOT. AND I love what’s her face, Idina Menzel, so I was very excited for this movie. It was supposed to be super girl power-y and a new model for a Disney princess yadayadayada. And the soundtrack outsold the Beyonce itunes album for weeks and weeks. Anyway, you get the picture, my expectations were sky high. My disappointment, directly proportional to that. Booo. I actually booed. There’s like TWO good songs. The plot? Dumb dumb dumb. The resolution? Even dumber. Blargh. Kids will probably like it though. There are cool visual stunts with ice. It’ll win the cartoon Oscar.
Dallas Buyers Club
Jared Leto was amazing as a transvestite gay guy dying of AIDS. He should win the Oscar in his category. Um… this movie was good. It held my attention. The lead character — a shady dude blindsided by an AIDS diagnosis who decides to get drugs from Mexico as an alternative to AZT and then he turns it into a business of selling them to other desperate AIDS patients. He has to stay one step ahead of the FDA and the AIDS doctors. Jennifer Garner is terrible in this — and I usually like her. I don’t think Matthew Ma…umm…mumbles…gh…n…there’s a u…. anyhoo, he shouldn’t win the Oscar for losing weight and being less annoying than he usually is in movies. Cause he was still plenty annoying.
Can you spoiler a based on a true story movie? My apologies if you can, but I think it’s important to my review. At the end, the head pirate guy is arrested and read his rights on a ship. Captain Phillips is also brought aboard the same ship and sent to sick bay where his wounds are tended to. If this were a *REAL* action movie, the pirate would have grabbed hold of a gun, killed the arresting marines, Phillips would have heard the scuffle, jumped down from the exam table, gotten a weapon and chased the pirate to the upper deck of the ship, cornered the pirate and then said something like “I’m tired of these motherfucking pirates on these motherfucking ships!” Or “Get off my boat!” And then shot him.
But this was not a real action movie. It was a real…er…action movie. I liked it, but I did spend a lot of time imagining a more Hollywood version of it starring Jason Statham. I’m glad the pirate guy got a nomination, but I hated the lines that were clearly designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel sorry for the poor hard lives of the Somali people. *Eyeroll* GET OFF OF MY BOAT!
August: Osage County
Listen. Meryl Streep is the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streeping. She Meryl Streeps the shit out of this movie. If she doesn’t win the Meryl Streep award where she is Meryl Streeping with cancer, I will… um… be very surprised. The movie is about a bunch of dysfunctional women in a family and the poor hapless men they yell at. I didn’t hate Julia Roberts as much as other people seemed to in reviews I read. But it’s very hard not being Meryl Streep.
Thor: Dark World
Yawn. I’ve about had it up to here *insert hand about neck level* with the MARVEL universe. The plot holes and contrivances in this movie are embarrassing. But that one guy is shirtless a bunch. So…you know. You’ll endure.
This movie terrible. I kind of want to lump this review with the review for
The Wolf of Wall Street
Both these movies have been made over and over again with the actors and ingenues of the moment. American Hustle follows the script of the heavily costumed/wigged trope of a heist of some kind with a double reverse switch of allegiance. And Wolf of Wall street is the well worn path of the con man who believes his own con even as the straight laced cop figure is bearing down. Yawn yawn yawn. Jaysus. How are there no other stories? With other kinds of people. And how is it these same stories keep getting nominated for Oscars when movies like
…which was the best fucking movie I’ve seen in a long time, gets nominated for nothing. This tells the –sorta– story of Oscar Grant who was shot in the back by police, while handcuffed and face down on a BART platform in San Francisco. The movie does sanctify him in ways that made me roll my eyes (he hugs the body of a dying stray dog after its been hit and I added “wwwhhhyyyyyyyyy” and desperate mouth to mouth CPRing to the scene in my head and laughed) but it was such a well done, bare bones movie that told a tragic yet important story that, ugh, seriously, fuck the Oscars with razor blades for not recognizing it or Michael Jordan or the mom — who won an Oscar for the gorram help. UGH! I hate everything.
Blech. This movie was dumb. It’s about a guy who falls in love with his Operating System — AND, hold the phones, HIS OPERATING SYSTEM LOVES HIM TOO! EYE Roll. I guess I won’t say what happens next, but booo. Skip this stoopid stooopid movie. Go watch Fruitvale Station.
The Lone Ranger
Okay, I am not cool with Johnny Depp playing a Native American character. NOT. Like I am unable to can with that casting. However, *insert hanging head and downcast eyes* I actually ended up liking this movie. I know, I suck. I kept hoping they were going to explain that the tribe found this lost little white boy and took him in and he suffered this great trauma and now he doesn’t remember that he was white… I DUNNO something. But there you have it. Apparently I like redface movies. Sigh. I’m the worst.
Elana told me to see this movie after I said that “No laws for one day” movie was a terrible waste of a premise. You’re next was equally bad, if not slightly worse. Um…actually, a lot worse. Because the premise was dumb too. Like I don’t even get what the plan was or why it was executed in this way. Dumb. File this under empty torture pr0n.
This movie was okay. I don’t really remember the first Kick-Ass and I couldn’t find it streaming anywhere, so I don’t know if the sequel hurts the first one or if it’s a good continuation of the story. But as a stand a lone hero movie, this was fine.
This movie was great. It’s about two sisters, both adopted and how their lives go in two completely different directions, one marries a corporate tycoon and the other marries a blue collar dude, but they both end up sharing a small San Francisco apartment after various misfortunes. The kids are miscast, I think. But I like all the other casting and I like the way the story unfolds. The end is a bit contrived, but overall, thumbs up.
Lee Daniels’ The Butler
Are there tons of “The Butler”s out there that Lee Daniels needed to make sure you knew this one was his? And frankly, this movie sucked pretty hard, so if I were him, I’d try to get it lost in the shuffle so I’d maybe get credit for one of the other ones, none could be worse than this tripe. (Off topic, my mom tried to feed me tripe — the digusting dish of cow’s stomach or sumshit when I was a kid and being the precocious reader that I was, I defiantly asserted: I’m not eating that tripe. LITERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY! Yep, folks, I’ve always been awesome.) Anyway, this movie is a pot of disgusting cow intestines. Skip it. (Though, I did like Oprah’s portrayal of the alcoholic trollop wife.)
Despicable Me 2
This movie was dumb. Another unnecessary sequel. Eyeroll.
Read the whole thing… what? of course there’s more.
I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.
Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away…so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I’M SOOOO MAD that I can’t watch anything anymore, so I’m taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.
12 Years a Slave
So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn’t hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.
This movie was great. It’s probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It’s a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It’s about americans in space or one woman’s journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded “eh, I likes what I likes.”)
Frank & The Robot
This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It’s about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It’s cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.
New Jack City
HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn’t have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!
Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL’S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn’t get to “remarry and have a kid with some other chick” while his “first wife” is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.
Ugh. Not to be confused with that Movember thing where savages walk around with hairy faces like cave people. Gross. You get running water, electricity and flat screen TVs, in exchange you shave your face. THAT IS CIVILIZATION, PEOPLE!!!
Okay, rant over, movie time!
It’s the holidays and stuff, so I planned to focus on a central theme like horror movies for Halloween or family movies for Thanksgiving. But, like always, I then remembered I’m terrible at plans and/or follow through, so we just watched a bunch of random films. Oh, I did manage to see a Jason Statham movie every Friday. Cause Friday is my shooty movies day because… brain something something. (Sorry, writing these on Friday and words are hard. Not a good day to start NanoMoSomething, but start it I will anyway! Crap. Where was I?) Hmm… can I review the Jason Statham movie I just finished because technically, it was a November movie? Eh, if you don’t tell, I won’t ask. That’s not how that goes.
Hashtag Friday Brain.
Jason Statham! Friday. You know what? There wasn’t that much shooting in this one. He plays a rogue British special ops guy who was ambushed in Afghanistan and killed a bunch of civilians in retaliation. Now he’s on the run from MI5 or 6 or Interpol or whatever. He’s hiding as a bum and befriends a runaway girl. But the girl gets taken in by pimps, so then he breaks into an apartment and steals that guys identity and then he becomes a hitman… um, and he makes out with a nun from the homeless shelter. Okay, okay I’m not explaining this right. Jason Statham. There are scenes where he’s shirtless. Moving on.
Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds
I liked this movie. I confess I accidentally clicked on it before I saw the Tyler Perry brand and didn’t turn it off when I saw his stupid face cause I figured I hadn’t shat all over a Tyler Perry movie in a while. But hey, it turns out he’s not always a repulsive sexist buffoon. Though, there were sexist buffoonish elements to this movie about a rich man who falls in love with the single mom janitor and quits his job to move to Africa with her. (Seriously, “Africa.” The camera pans on the boarding passes he gives her and it says “Africa 2:00 PM” I laughed.)
Take This Waltz
Okay, this is one of those movies that I can’t in good conscience tell anyone to watch cause, it IS weird… but it’s interesting. At first brush, this movie starring Michelle Williams seems like your typical annoying flighty girl meets boy movie. (“I’m afraid of being afraid” is sample dialogue from the first twenty minutes, during which she pretends to be wheelchair bound AND a tour guide.) And after you watch it, you will want to hunt down @astinto and lock him away in a dark, damp place with fire breathing bees coated in peanut oil as his only company. But, then you suddenly realize the whole movie basically tracks this chick on a love bender and you decide that’s kind of funny. Plus, bonus points for creative use of “video killed the radio star” outside of a trivia context.
Dr. Strangelove: Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
I remember seeing this movie in high school and loving it. As I started to rewatch it, I thought it wasn’t going to hold up, but then it totally did, and was still very funny. Mineshaft gap. HA! Oh, it’s about a crazy general who tries to give America a head start in the nuclear war by basically sneak attacking Russia first. Then hijinxs ensue. And we discover no fighting is allowed in the war room. LOL.
Behind the Candelabra
This is a movie on HBO. It was apparently rejected by movie theaters because it was too gay. I loved Liberace as a kid; I have owned many a pair of Liberace sneakers as an adult. I didn’t particularly care for this movie because it didn’t show very much of the stuff you love Liberace for – there are one or two scenes of him playing the piano and the showy stuff, but mostly it’s about him preying on young men for sex — which is less flattering. Douglas was great though. Matt Damon passable. It’s okay — but I don’t think Liberace fans will like it. I wish they’d do a Liberace, Liberace movie!
This was also an HBO movie. It’s about the Curb Your Enthusiasm guy getting kicked out of a car company by the Mad Men guy right before the company takes off. I thought it was awful. But to be fair, I hate Larry David. Like violently. I think he’s a disgusting unfunny hateful petty little man. But the posters do a good job of disguising him, so I didn’t realize it was Larry David until about twenty minutes in — around about when he was implying to a woman of color that because her hairdo doesn’t require daily shampooing, her hair must stink. See? Unfunny and disgusting. But you know, if you like him, this movie is for you. #Shade
This movie stars Beyonce and she gets ganked in the first twenty minutes. I don’t know why they don’t put that right there on the poster! It’s an animated feature, so I don’t think that’s particularly spoily. I mean, you do know someone gets ganked in the first twenty minutes of all animated features, right? It’s an okay movie about the fight of good and evil.
The Big Wedding Yarf. This movie is about a young couple getting married even though all their parents’ and siblings’ marriages are all dysfunctional. Robin Williams plays the priest. Blech. It’s an all star cast in a low caliber script. I’m guessing the screenwriter must be someone’s cousin or something.
The Great Gatsby Baz Luhrmann’s movies are pretty. They’re colorful and bright and interestingly staged. However, the syntax in his movies is always stilted. The Great Gatsby more so than the others. I think I would have preferred watching this movie on mute.
Star Trek: Into Darkness A sequel to the first Star Trek movie where Kirk gets the helm of the ship and is saddled with a merry band of misfits. Here, he breaks all the rules, is demoted and has to earn it all back! And then he pays the ultimate price! It was exciting. I liked Benedict Cumberbatch.
This movie is terrible. Terribly terrible. It’s about Tom Cruise clones. Nobody needs more than one Tom Cruise. Awful.
Now You see Me
I enjoy magic. And capers. So, this movie wasn’t the worst. I figured out the twist right away, but the movie wasn’t ruined. IT is unbelievably fantastic though.
Why. Who. WHAT. WHERE. I… poor John Candy that this piece of junk was his last movie. But HEY it introduced the world to McCauley Culkin!
Stories We Tell
Awww. I don’t know how I feel about this movie exactly. But I feel sorry for somebody, but I’m not quite sure who… I don’t want to lay out the options either, because the movie is worth a watch and all the entanglements partly drive the movie. It’s an indie film about a family. In Canada. Go watch it.
Remember when J-Lo used to make movies? She’s back. And actually, this movie is good. It’s an action revenge thingamabob. The bad guys leave Jason Statham for dead, BUT THEY’RE WRONG! Dun dun dun. J lo isn’t annoying and I think Patti Lupone is also in this. It was good. Very shooty. If you like shooty. Uh… it’s still shooty even if you don’t like shooty.
This movie was so sad. It’s about a dad who goes to Spain to collect his only child’s body after the son is killed on the first day of his pilgrimage. The dad then decides to complete his son’s journey. He meets people along the way. It’s sad. I totally want to do the journey now. But I don’t like walking or flying or Europe…so… *whistles*.
There’s a crazy lady at my job who told me Alexander Skarsgard was in this movie. She is a damn hell ass liar. It’s about Ex-CIA agent who works for a bank and then his teenage daughter comes to live with him after her mom dies. But THE BANK IS FAKE! THEY LIED TO HIM and now he’s targeted for assassination! And you are rooting for the assassins the whole way.
The Rum Diary
Barf. I can’t remember if I broke up with Johnny Depp after that horrendous Rango movie, but we are definitely done after this vomitously unforgettable bomb.
In the Land of Blood and Honey Oh my gosh. This movie was FANTASTIC. Fucking Angelina Jolie. CAN’T SHE FAIL AT ANYTHING?!?!?!? *throws all the shoes* It’s about the relationship between a Bosnian Serb soldier and a Bosnian Muslim woman through the war. Ugh. So gut wrenching. Humans are awful um… humans. So sad. Beautifully well done movie.
I watched this movie again in anticipation of the TV show SHIELD. It wasn’t as good the second time around. I still like Robert Downey Jr though… and the Hulk and Loki… okay, it was still pretty good.
Don’t Stop Believin’: Everyman’s Journey
This movie is a good theoretical story. The band Journey loses its front man and starts trolling youtube where they discover an unknown Filipino man. They fly him in, he’s amazing and they hire him. Racists complain, Filipinos flock to the band in record numbers, the singer’s life becomes a Cinderella story. But all that happens in the first 26 minutes, yet the movie is 100 minutes… after a while, it’s like “I get it. I feel good, applause applause… can we wrap this up now?” I did go buy a Journey CD after.
Into the Abyss is a documentary film written and directed by Werner Herzog about the death penalty. He definitely believes the death penalty is wrong, but the movie interviews people on all sides of the issue – the daughter of the victim who goes to the execution, the dude executed, the dude who was with the dude who was executed but only got life, the chick who marries the dude who got life after *reading* about his story. O_o It’s a look at a death penalty case where all the perpetrators are white men; there is no question about guilt or mental fitness. It’s interesting to see what your views on the death penalty are when divorced from “mitigating factors.” (Except poverty. Still a lot of the poverty.)
No. But it’s close.
This is a weird movie, right? I mean, I liked it. I thought it was funny. But it is a weird movie. I guess it’s about the integration of a San Diego television station (is that the right word for when they let chicks in? Hold on, lemmee google this “becoming co-ed”?) Whatevs, Kelly Bundy becomes an anchor and she is kinda shady and ambitious, so hijinks ensure. Weird movie.
Ugarles and Julius Goat said this is the prequel to Shawshank. It was okay. It hasn’t aged particularly well. But the fake movie they make at the end is hilarious and I would TOTALLY go see it. Oh, it’s about a producer who is so afraid he’s about to lose his job that he goes crazy. Sorta.
Pain & Gain
This movie is awful. Awfully awful. And you know how much I love the Rock. I love The Rock a lot. He was not Rock-y in this. UGH. HORRID. I’m… so it’s a “based on a true story” movie about body builders who decide to kidnap their clients and steal all their money. But they’re dumb, so… they make many mistakes along the way. The outdoor grilling of their murder victims’ hands was funny.
BLARGH. This movie is TUURRRIIBBBLLEEE. I don’t understand why Tina Fey or Paul Rudd are in this flick about a spinster admissions officer who well, is very into her job. Paul Rudd plays a do-goody hipster who won’t mind his own beeswax. He has a black son. Of course. *eyeroll* Badness.
Olympus Has Fallen
Z.O.M.G. THIS MOVIE IS FANTASTIC!!! FANTASTICLY FANTASTIC!!!!! Okay, so it opens like the beginning of that rock climbing Sylvester Stallone movie and you’re all bummed out and think well, it can’t get worse than this. AND THEN IT DOES! And then ninjas (Dawn is SO #races) attack the capital and then occupy the white house and the last thing the final secret service guy says before he dies is “Olympus has… fallen.” OR IS HE THE FINAL SECRET SERVICE GUY??? Dun dun dun. No, he’s not. THERE’S ANOTHER! MAAANNN. SO GOOD. ASPLOSIONS, GUN FIRE, HELICOPTER CRASHES, everything that makes a movie awesome AND NO STOOPID LOVE STORY! (Except the love of a man for his country!) *slow claps*
I swear I am going to fight the Academy. I’m going to fight it with fists. WHY ON EARTH was this movie nominated for Best anything?? The whole thing takes place in an apartment. But the old man is delusional and you’re not sure what’s real and what’s the opposite of real. The old lady is paralyzed and cranky. Everyone is French… Mon Dieu! Why am I watching this? Because… Oscar. Grrr. *shakes fist*
The End of Love
So… this movie is about the year after a young mom dies and how the young dad copes with raising their toddler alone. The toddler is a surprisingly good actor. I was mad at people who said Quvenzhane Wallis shouldn’t be eligible for an Oscar because she’s just a kid, but I guess if the director could get such a moving performance out of a three-year-old, maybe they might have a point. I dunno. But the toddler was the best part and should totes get an Oscar. The movie was weirdly uneven. One minute the dad is making cereal for his kid, the next George Michael from Arrested Development is waving a gun all around. It’s like, if he’s friends with Michael Cera, why is he hurting for money to pay his rent and feed the child? All in all it’s okay. But weird.
This movie is super cheesy, but still moving. It’s about Jackie Robinson integrating (HA! Now it’s the right word) major league baseball. It’s annoying how Harrison Ford (the owner of the Dodgers) is painted as the real hero, but cest la vie. I wish Brooklyn still had its own baseball team.
Based on Halle Berry’s hairstyle alone, I thought this movie was going to suck. Now, it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination, “good.” But it didn’t quite dip to the level of suck. So, there’s that. It’s about a 911 dispatcher who has already lost a girl to a brutal murderer and when the call comes in from another young female victim, she refuses to give up until she gets her back safe! Her hair looks terrible.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
THE ROCK! AND HE’S ROCKY! Whew, breakup averted! It’s a super cheesy cartoon villain meets cartoon hero movie. London gets fucked ALL the way up!
Um… it’s a remake of the 1990s flick Judge Dredd. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
Aww. In college, I could recite all the lines from Clueless verbatim. It still holds up as a quirky, if somewhat creepy, rom-com. I’m glad time has corrected the injustice of Alicia Silverstone being a bigger star than Paul Rudd. RIP Brittany Murphy. *cues rollin with the homies*
I saw Julius Goat and Dan England talking about this movie on twitter. It’s creeeeeee—pppyyy. Go see it. Then read the article in the new Yorker. DON’T READ THE ARTICLE FIRST, CHEATERS!
This “documentary” about how religion is destroying the world was awful. Bill Maher is rude, condescending and should be hit with a lightning bolt on sheer principle. Though, had I seen this movie first, I might not have spent hard earned money at Jesus world in Orlando. Bill Maher was right about that place. He’s still a dick though.
I’ve been dragging my heels on this one for weeks now, no idea why. This is probably how blogging died. Lethargy. Well, I’m here now, you’re here now, let’s do this thing!
Fast & Furious Six: Fasterererrerer with EXTREME FURIOUSITY
Loved it. Listen. LISTEN. Cars asplode. Vin Diesel. The Rock. That dude with the pretty eyes. I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT! Halfway through the the movie, I was all, maaaan, I hope they make enough Fasts and Furiouses so that you could spend a whole day just watching pretty cars get blown up by rocket launchers. THEY’RE HALFWAY THERE PEOPLE!!
Loved it. Recently, I heard the word “abortion” used to refer to something other than a fetus termination, and this has become my turn of phrase du jour. For instance, after the Ironman 2 abortion of a movie, I wrote off the franchise and even almost boycotted Avengers. I waited so long to even go see Ironman 3, it was no longer available in 3D. Didn’t care. But, I actually loved Ironman 3. It was funny, it made sense, I got to see bad things happen to Gwyneth Paltrow… stuff blows the hell up. I give it three iron thumbs up!
The Expendables 2
This is THEEE single greatest movie ever made in the 21st century. The good guy bursts into the church where the bad guys are preparing and stabs the lead bad guy in the face on top of the altar and then he goes “I now pronounce you man and KNIFE!” Get it? Get it? Instead of wife…knife…cause he stabbed him??? WITH A KNIFE!!! DUDE! *slow clap*
I TOTALLY FORGOT ALL ABOUT MAY MOVIE REVIEWS! I’m sorry to have worried you all. I am alive and well and not being held captive in a Cleveland house. Although, if I were being held captive, my captors would probably not let me blog about it — in fact, they’d probably make me say I wasn’t!
Maybe I should have a secret code word.
Hmm… how about, if I really AM being held captive in a house in Cleveland, but they still let me blog, I will write a post about how awesome Tyler Perry movies are! THAT WAY, you’ll DEFINITELY know that I AM IN TROUBLE AND YOU’LL SEND HELP! Preferably Tom Brady or Ryan Gosling, but 911 works too.
Okay, enough of my madness, you’ve waited LONG ENOUGH for my brilliant movie insights!
Speaking of Tyler Perry, I rented This is 40. It is not a Tyler Perry flick, but WOO BOY it may as well be. That Judd Apatow dude sure hates women almost as much as Tyler Perry does. And boy does it shine through in this movie about a shrewish wife who is unreasonably upset that her husband has squandered their money and now has to sell their house — OH, AND HE HASN’T BOTHERED TO TELL HER! Oh and never mind his intolerable insane irrational teenage daughters! RAWR! Oh, this poor poor man! Why LAWD? WHHYYYY? *Eyeroll* The only non stereotypical part of the movie is Albert Brooks playing the overbearing money grubbing Jewish dad. Oh…wait. Seriously: EYE. ROLL.
I was watching an episode of “Go On,” Matthew Perry’s underrated NBC sitcom, and they recreated a scene from Sixteen Candles, that I didn’t remember, so I rented it again. Oh good lord. This movie goes from dumb to offensive and back to dumb again with almost NO warning! The gonging sound at every mention of the Asian exchange student? The fact that the “hero” gives permission to “the geek” to rape his passed out girlfriend. I can’t. How is this a “cherished” classic? Ugh. I can’t. Did I already say that. YARF. Incidentally, my mom also forgot my sixteenth birthday. So, really this whole movie is a tragedy.
Pretty in Pink
The experience with Sixteen Candles led me to wonder if all John Hughes movies were horror shows disguised as family entertainment, so I watched this movie too. Oddly enough, as often as I’ve seen clips of Duckie lip synching to Otis Redding, I HAVE NEVER seen Pretty in Pink! It’s actually a cute movie and not at all a horror show. I liked the dad/daughter relationship and although the “poor girl in a rich school” thing was a bit contrived, I liked it and I liked the ending. And the lip synching was cool!
Central Park Five
Oh, America. I actually remember when these boys were arrested. All the newspapers were rife with stories about wilding and “the urban element” ruining New York City. The city’s “just not safe” is a refrain I heard over and over on the news. And I remember thinking “NO SHIT.” But that was before I realized no one cared that where *I* lived in New York City wasn’t safe, but CENTRAL PARK?? *GASP* *FAINT* ANYWAY, imagine my surprise that those “wilding animals” were released AND EXONERATED!! DUDE!!! I HAD NO IDEA! It’s sad that, like the famous quote goes, there is nowhere to go to get your reputation back. Turns out my litigation skills professor was the lead prosecutor too. Gulp! Sad. Interesting watch.
The Guilt Trip
THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC! I know what I’m about to type will sound strange, but why isn’t Barbra Streisand a bigger star? I can’t think of a bad Streisand movie! And doesn’t she also direct?? Fuck a Ben Affleck! Giimmmeeee more Babs! I had such LOW expectations for this movie because I super hate Seth Rogen, like really really mega hate, but he works in this movie and Streisand was GREAT. The script about an adult son inviting his mom along on a spur of the moment cross country roadtrip was pitch perfect. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. You’ll some sentence with schfitz or kvetch cause I’m totally racist. SO GOOD!
Silver Linings Playbook
You know what’s NOT good? Silver Linings Playbook. From the promos, I knew this movie was about Eagles fans, so my instinct was to stay far away. But then it got nominated for Oscars and that girl won the Meryl Streep, so I figured I must be missing something. NNOOOPPPEEEE. Terrible. It’s a terrible terrible terrible movie. It handles the issue of mental illness in a wretched sterotypey way (so poorly is therapy and medication handled that I assumed we were watching stuff that was only happening in the mind of the main character and that he was still just in the mental hospital. Again, NNNOOOPPPEEEE.) Bad. All bad. The black guy was funny though.
This is a movie about an Australian family living through a devasting tsunami that hit Thailand. First, now I’m scared of tsunamis. Second, it’s an okay “based on true events” kinda movie. But the focus on how devasted the tourists are gets very annoying when you think about how the people *who live in Thailand* probably maybe kinda sorta might also have suffered because THEIR *HOMES* WERE DESTROYED. Maybe?
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
This movie was fine. But I feel like I’m still watching it. You know, cause it’s long. And did they break out into song? I think that happened. But I don’t wanna rewind to find out cause…you know, long. Just read the book, buddy.
I don’t know what I expected from this movie. I read lots of angry headlines about it (I skip reading whole reviews because I don’t like spoilers) and I thought it was going to be racisty or something. But it was your run of the mill Tarantino bloodshedfest and I loved every minute of it. Tarantino gives good gratuitous violence AND I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT!
Life of Pi
This book was the first book I ever read for a “book club.” It was also the first book I read “for discussion” since I’d graduated from law school, so I read carefully and took notes of recurring themes and plot points and then, of course, I went and discovered “book clubs” were just fronts for wine drinking. That was also when I discovered people used “fronts” for wine drinking! WHAT? Anyway, I loved the book and I thought the movie captured the book PERFECTLY. I can’t even explain it, but it felt like re-reading the book, even though the movie deviated in some big ways. I liked Life of Pi and highly recommend it! So good!
Mini’s First Time
Unlike Mini’s First Time, which was bad. Super bad, but not like Superbad, which was good. BARF. Alec Baldwin plays a stepfather who starts an affair with his stepdaughter and then they kill the mom and the police get involved and.. BLAH BLAH SO BAD! The acting is bad, the script is bad, the film quality is grainy, the sound mixing IS THE WORST. (Okay, I don’t know what sound mixing actually is, but since there was NO part of this movie that was good, I stand by my assesment!) YARF!
Rust and Bone
Sometimes, I like to play this game when watching a movie. When people are talking, I’ll fill in a completely inappropriate response. Or when people are casually strolling through a park, I’ll imagine a meteor falling to earth and crushing one of them. Then I’ll laugh and continue watching whatever drivel the movie ACTUALLY offers. WELL. Rust and Bone was all JOKE’S ON YOU, SUMMERS! Cause there I am all giggling about their casual stroll through the park when WHAM A METEOR ACTUALLY FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND CRUSHES ONE OF THEM! (Metaphorically, of course. I don’t wanna say what actually happens because IT’S SO SHOCKING! But, if you know me or have read much of my work, know this: I CALLED THAT SHIT!) Anyway, so then the meteor crushes one of them and the movie continues and you get complacent and listen to the dialogue and then you, meaning me, imagines some other crazy left field thing happening AND THEN THAT HAPPENS! And you’re, meaning me, SO SORRY! YOU’re ALL “I WAS KIDDING!! NOOO, Don’t do that!!!” And Rust and Bone just sits there AND LAUGHS. SO CRUEL. But good. I’m sorry. SO SO SO SORRY *TEN STANCE*
Rise of the Guardians
This is a dumb animated feature about what would happen if the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were really like a band of super friends fighting off the evil….um…death maybe? no…something…I think Jude Law was the voice. Blech. It’s dumb. It’s not for kids, it’s not for grownups. Meh.
I was going to send Julius Goat a tweet yesterday containing my usual foot tapping, so he would think I had my April movie review post done. BUT THEN, nothing would be there because it WASN’T done! And then I would say “April Fool’s” and laugh and laugh. But then I got distracted with Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, the Mets and the Rangers and next thing you know, it’s April 2nd and the post actually IS done, so… (and this is why Dawn Summers can’t get nowhere as a prankster.)
Anyhoo…this see what we have here…
BBBOOORRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGG. I don’t know why this movie isn’t called “The Thirteenth Amendment.” Because that’s all it’s about. It’s not about Abraham Lincoln – not about his childhood or his marriage or his children or even his presidency, really – it’s about the twelve months preceding the ratification of the thirteenth amendment. Sadly, even though Spielberg chooses this narrow sliver of a political moment, he still mostly gets it wrong and manages to whitewash all black involvement out of it, save the occasional sad eyes of his wife’s black maid or Senator Stevens’ black lover who is unveiled in the last scene. Eye roll. Joe Morton could totes have played Frederick Douglass! I deeply and sincerely hate Hollywood sometimes. Anyway, bah. This movie is dumb and boring. And I have no idea why any of these people were nominated for anything.
This movie is a cute little romantic comedy about a work from home customer service representative who decides to robo call random strangers during the day. There’s a surprise ending that I didn’t see coming.
The Brother from Another Planet
This movie was weird. It’s about an alien who takes the form of a black man and lands in Harlem. He is being chased by other aliens, but it’s not really made clear in the movie why or who they are. The movie chiefly runs on the premise – hey, he’s an alien, but he’s a black guy! Get it? Cause America kinda treats black guys like *they’re* aliens… eh… eh… GET IT??! Some of it works, some of it doesn’t.
This movie was great. Oh, I meant to google this before I wrote the racist-ish sentence I’m about to write, but… uh… hi, I’m super lazy. Racist sentence coming in 3…2… so this movie is about people in Iran or Iraq or somewhere in that region of the world (hangs head in shame) the woman wants to come to America, the husband doesn’t want to because he has to care for his senile father. The woman files for divorce hoping the husband will change his mind rather than get divorced. He doesn’t and then he has to hire a woman worker to do the housekeeping/caretaking. Some stuff happens and the police are called. And then it gets sad. There is a preteen daughter involved. Sniff sniff.