Clareified

I barely just finished updating my amazon wishlist for Christmas and Alceste and Dawn already sent me a present!

Thanks guys!

Except I daresay, I would rework that block quote because I live in New York City and it IS the United States. No, really, I’m not quite sure where the rest of you live or what your passports say.

May this be your best year yet and may all your wishes come true! Especially your wish to make me a cheesecake pie and bring it to me. Yes, especially that one.
Happy Birthday!

Dear Brady Zac Wynstan,

Yes, I was the one who wanted to name you Brady Zac. Your parents, however, probably figured your innate awesome wonderfulness would be quite enough without actually naming you Awesome Wonderfulness, which is pretty much what Brady Zac is. At least, I’m not the aunt that tried to name you Joaquin! (I KNOW, RIGHT??! *shaking our heads in unison, once you learn to shake your head… um and read parenthetical instructions*)
HI!!! Happy Birthday!!
So many things for you to learn commenting, tweeting, cheering for the Patriots…oh, and don’t worry, I will teach you how to glare at people who put an i in your damn hell ass name where it doesn’t belong.
Oh, whoops.
I probably shouldn’t have said damn hell or ass. Well…or this might be the perfect opportunity to teach you the “if it’s in the bible, it’s not a curse,” rule. Cause that is totally the rule.
Trust me, I’m a lawyer.
Welcome!

Love,

Dawn

P.S. By the way, young man, do you know how long I labored through your delivery? The emails, the blog posts, the texts, the tweets…for like NINETEEN HOURS! I. AM. EXHAUSTED. I only mention it, in case you haven’t commented on my blogs lately. Aww, but look at you, how cuuttee aare you and moommmmyy:

I’ve thrown out my back, got a traffic ticket AND had a thousand dollars of fradulent purchases charged to my Mastercard all in one day! Bravo! But you still have four more hours, how ever, will you top yourself? Crush me with a heavy bookcase? Locusts?

There’s this woman at my job who kinda gets to work at the same time I do. We both then go to the cafeteria for breakfast and then return to the workroom at around 8:30. Now, I do my very best to avoid eye contact or conversation for as LONG as possible. As is my way. However, this lasts only so long, as an elevator is only so large. So every morning, she ends up saying “Hi. How you doing?”
Then I say “Good, how are you?” LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
Then she goes “Oh, I’m incredibly blessed this morning. Thanks.”
WHAT??? Who says that?? OUT LOUD! To me! Where I can hear them?
Every. Day.
Anyway, I try and try to avoid her, right? It works for a couple of days, but then I ran into her today and I got a flash of genius!
I see her and just say “Good morning”
Ha!
Bless that!
Do you know what she does??? DO YOU???
She goes:
“Oh, I’m incredibly blessed this morning. Thanks.”
Duuuuuuude!!! I didn’t ASK how you were, blyat!
Arrrghh.
Must. Win. Lotto.

I do TOO still blog!

I don’t know what kinds of names you guys were calling Belichick on Monday, but the Yale football coach “went for it” on fourth and 22, leading the game by 3 points. While the brilliant fake reverse punt netted 17 yards, it fell short of the first down and Harvard got the ball on our 30 and scored a touchdown. Yale got the ball back with 2 minutes and three timeouts left, but promptly threw an interception for a spectacular fourth quarter loss after leading the game 10-0 for three quarters. So now who’s the worst coach in the history of the world?
In your faces!
Or something…
My head hurts.
Who made me learn this stupid game? I hate you so much.

So, I was just getting up from my couch, when my hand pressed down on the comforter, causing it to slip down to the floor, which then caused me to lose my balance and lurch forward, almost slamming my body, head first, into the glass coffee table. Now, should this have happened, resulting in my becoming the first person in the history of the world with “standing up” as cause of death, please revise the record to “insomnia.”
Please and thank you.

Dug myself out of my own bad mood!