THEY SELL VUVUZUELAS ON AMAZON.COM!! LIKE WHERE I COULD BUY THEM!
WHERE I COULD BUY THEM AND BRING THEM ON A PLANE TO A CERTAIN DECEMBER GATHERING.
Oh, it’s ON. ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!
I DARE ANYONE TO KNOCK ME OUT! DAARRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE.
No one is hereafter allowed to send Dawn Summers cupcakes, candy or cookies. She is only allowed fruits, vegetables and damn hell ass exercise videos. That is all.
You don’t even want to KNOW how loud I screamed. Seriously. DON’T CLICK THIS.
And DEFINITELY DON’T email it to the most easily scared person that you know who lives alone! JERKFACE!!!
DDEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAADDD!
Ever since I started drinking coffee, I have realized that there are many many many variations to a cup of joe. And me, being me, of those many many many variations there is only ONE that doesn’t make me gag and throw away four dollars in a cup. During the course of the year, I have learned to clearly articulate “Medium skim latte, two pumps of vanilla.”
This would often draw the following question: Sugar?
Dude, I told you exactly how many squirts of vanilla syrup I want, do you think I forgot to mention sugar?
No.
Once a dude brought me that shit in a clear cup filled with ice.
WTF? Did I SAY ICE???
Not gonna lie, it drove me nutz. So NOW I say, VERBATIM,:
Medium skim latte, two pumps of vanilla. Extra hot, NO sugar.
Just like that. EVERY TIME.
And today I get:
“Do you mean caramel?”
*Blinks*
“No.”
“Sugar?”
Are you KIDDING ME?
Seriously, if I could have jumped across the counter and bashed her head in without going to jail, I would have. And you just KNOW the media would paint ME as the crazy one!
Damn racist media out to get me and Tiger.
If you want revenge now, give it a week.
If you want revenge in a week, give it a month.
If you want revenge in a month, give it a year.
If you want revenge in a year, give it all you’ve got.
“The man’s never had a Duff in his LIFE” – Homer Simpson
I don’t know what the “Suds Summit” was about. Did you see the photos? None of those dudes look like they ever had a beer in their damn lives. GET BOTTLES ya PANSIES.
AND WHAT UP WITH BIDEN??? NON ALCOHOLIC BEER??????????????? What the hell was he doing there ANYWAY? Was Crowley all “I would feel more comfortable if another White Guy was there…apologies to your white side, Mr. President?”
I see Biden’s face -that idiotic grin – and I want to bash my TV.
I am one more “Biden gaffe” from voting third party if he’s on the ticket in ’12.
So yeah, that’ll be in…what? Two, three hours?
Dear President Obama,
I hope this email finds you well. I have been vigilant in my duties of fighting right-wingers, conservatives and self-styled “independents” (they do not fool me, either, Sir). (I have also decided to take on the hippies, Sir. Now that you have authorized logging in Alaska, I fear they may be regrouping as a threat and a watchful eye should be kept on them. I am keeping especially close eyes on conservative hippies.)
However, I do not write to you today in my capacity as Dawn the conserva-Slayer.
I write regarding another more deadly threat than Republicans:
solar flares, Sir.
Now, the sentence I am about to write is going to sound odd, but I beg you to keep reading.
I watched the Nicholas Cage movie, Knowing last night. (I know, I know…after Bangkok Dangerous, I really should have learned my lesson. I hang my head in shame.) Anyway, while the move is typical Nicholas Cage nonsensical plot and incredulously one dimensional stereotypes of stereotypes of characters, and, UGH, *aliens* As if, the movie did raise a valid concern.
Sun flares.
Is the sun our friend? So far, sure.
But who hasn’t had a friend go batshit krazy and decide to melt the whole world in a fiery blaze of explosions? Remember Evil Willow?
Wait, wait please don’t dismiss me and have Rahm add me to “the list.”
The sun has taken a lot of heat (ha ha, that was totally unintentional!) in the past few months for its nonpresence (particularly on the East coast). I think it may still be angry with us. I looked skyward yesterday and the sun looked pissed. Then the New York Times posted a very unflattering portrait of the sun on its front page! (Damn, left wing media!)
Also, we must not forget that Nicholas Cage was also in Face/Off. A movie once derided as impossible, yet here was are, a mere 12 years later and people everywhere are having seamless and perfect face transplants.
12 years, Sir!
We’d be a mere few weeks into President Biden’s administration when whammo: whoosh: Bored now!
So, what is to be done? Obviously, if Knowing is to be believed, we need to build bunkers *three* miles below the earth’s surface – however, with everything above blasted and melted, I’m not sure how efficacious that would be. (Right there, that’s how you know you can take me seriously. I wrote efficacious instead of effective. So I MUST know what I’m talking about! Buffy references notwithstanding.)
Instead, I suggest we take the fight to the sun. We earth flare it before it can sun flare us!
We build the largest solar panels known to man and place them strategically around the globe (aka replacing the empty spaces where are former enemy nations: Afghanistan, North Korea, France and Russia once stood) and we give the sun a good dose of Earthfire!
That’ll learn it!
Okay and obviously, I’m just spitballing here, but I also suggest we start trying to build a squadron of sunresistant super soldiers who could absorb all the energy from a solar flare and use it to, um, I dunno, possibly power BMW’s on there way to the candy store.
Anyway, thank you for your time; you’ve been so much more than kind.
Yours always,
Dawn J. Summers
My spare car keys
Earrings
The number of that dude I met in Charlotte
My favorite black platform sneakers
Scrabble games to better players
Scrabble games to worse players
Passwords to password-protected blogs I used to have
E-mail addresses
Time
My temper
Patience for bullshit
My perfect eyesight
Followers
Bets
My first car
A device capable of playing cassette tapes
My jacks’ playing skills
Dental coverage (ow my tooth hurts)
My Thorn Birds DVD
Poker hands
Jobs
My voice
Heart
My grandparents
Races
Commenters
My gallbladder
Hair
Half my family tree
My toys
Friends
My youth
Fights
The plot
My belief in karma
The decorative buttons on my jean jacket sleeves
My place in line
My place in the world
Control
*shamelessly stolen from This Fish
Had yet another mysterious blog sabotage yesterday. Someone is out to get me. I suck at sleuthing, so we’re enlisting the help of those who are good at it and when I find out who’s behind this…well, I do so love a good feud.