Me(2:14:12 PM): I am eating key lime pie!
G-train (2:14:37 PM): Nice. In some ways, you are so easy to satisfy.
Me (2:14:54 PM): and yet — everyone pisses me off
G-train (2:15:05 PM): that’s because in most ways, you’re a total bitch to satisfy.
Me: I don’t like people who aren’t self aware.
Karol: You could end that sentence at the word people.
Jamie: I sliced open the bagel and my thumb.
Me:Ewww…what did you do with the knife?
Jamie: What? I washed it…what are you afraid you’re going to catch something?
Jesse: We know how much action you get, man, so we’re not worried about STDs.
Wendy: My favorite grandma saying is ‘don’t let the screen door hitcha where the good lord splitcha’
Jamie: But you’re a girl so the good lord splitcha in a couple of places.
HighonPoker: Hahaha. Don’t let the screendoor hitcha in the vagina.
My mother: You’re going there to gamble?
Me: No, they have all these outlet malls and I need new clothes. Plus, the hotel is free.
Karol: You should do the spelling bee every Monday in Williamsburgh.
Me: No thank you. I am not a loser.
Karol: Yes, you are.
Me: I just took the worst fall ever. I think I might have a concussion. Ask me a question.
Karol: Like what?
Me: Something to see if I have a concussion or not, blat.
Karol: How old are you?
Me: 29
Karol: Yeah, you have a concussion.
KJ What should I be in charge of [for your BBQ]?
Me: Um…what is your skillset?
KJ: I am superman. U name it, I’ll do it.
Me: ooh rob me a bank! And bring something dessertlike!
KJ: Banks are closed on Sunday. Dessert I can do.
(Of course, three and a half hours later, he shows up with a six pack of Corona and says…yeah, I know I said I’d bring dessert, but then I remembered that I was a guy and we don’t do that.)
My mom: Are there going to be kosher people at your barbecue?
Me: No. They’re all unsavory.