Clareified

Ftrain: I thought you hated that guy, why are you following him now?

Me: Oh, he made me laugh on twitter. We’re cool now.

#hilaritywhore

Gawrsh, I became so used to using my mandatory break to write posts about “Miss Lewinsky,” (Get it? I was gonna say “that woman,”) that I find myself flumoxxed. Is that how one spells that word? It seems a little porny. Flumoxxxed 2 Starring Dirk Diggler as pizza guy number 1.

I’ve never seen a porno, yet my impression is that there’s always a pizza guy and a plumber. Is that correct? Come on, you can tell me. I don’t judge. #liesDawntells

How do people get pornos now anyways, is it all internet and cable? I know blockbuster rebukes them. Wow, this post has lost its wiggity wiggity way.

Instead of writing about people who make me mad, I decided I’d write about people who make me laugh. In this case, one Ugarles, with whom I had a hilarious text conversation today about my mom getting hasseled by the police last night when she told them she didn’t hear the guy getting shot to death outside her building. And an equally funny, unbloggable conversation.

Actually, lately I’ve been using Ugarles as my own personal writing staff for my own amusement. During the whole supermoon hubbub, I decided there had to be a funny “if you get caught between the supermoon and New York City” joke. I couldn’t think of one, but the setup line made me laugh, so I sent it to Ugarles for him to finish it and he TOTALLY did in like five seconds! Wait, lemmee go find it.

Me: If you get caught between the supermoon and new york city, the best that you can do is…

Ugarles: Hope that Russell Brand doesn’t piss on your grave.

And then the day after President Obama had the “bin laden is dead” press conference, I tried to do a Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift tweet like “Mr. President, imma let you finish, but John Wilkes Booth had the greatest assasination of all time.” But that just wasn’t quite up to @realdawnsummers’ super high standards.

O_O

(Ooh, did you guys see Keith Olbermann and the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons’ twitter beef? Simmons tweeted that the Lakers dynasty just made the left turn at Dealey Plaza…” And Olby called him tacky for mocking President Kennedy’s murder. Then Simmons called Olby a hack on a bootleg TV station and then Olby said “ooh tough talk coming from a guy with a *podcast* buuurrrrnnnn.)

Anyway, so I outsourced the Faux Kanye tweet to Ugarles:

Me: Complete this kanye tweet: President Obama, imma let you finish, but…

Ugarles: …you know what? I’ll just let you finish. You just had someone shot in the head.”

Hahahaha

Ugarles funny.

And for no reason at all, here’s a picture of Sidney riding a “New York City horsey”:

Me: Recite the alphabet backwards for me. #sobrietytests

Vinnay: Zyx somthin somthin cba

So…he’s either totally drunk or just doesn’t know. After the meet/meat incident, I can never be sure.

Vinnay: Hope to meat you in the conference finals.

Me: Meat? Dude. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

Me: Did you and Peih take a [Lamaze] class?
Pi: No, I watched a DVD.

O_o

#hilaritywillensue

#stillnobaby

#tapsfoot

My mother: What’s on your head? It looks like a rat.
Me: IT’S A BEAR! A BBEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! GRRRRR

Inmate: Mr. Burns, you will reject Satan!

Mr. Burns: Why can’t you reject your guy?

Me: I’m returning you to the friend store. For store credit.

Vinnay: Sorry, you got me on sale. No returns, no exchanges.

Me: Gas is sooooooo expensive. I’m going to cry.

Vinnay: Get a prius. You can fuel it with tears.

“You are very stabby these days.” – Alceste

#RUDE Also #LIES Everyone knows I am sweetness and light. AND!