Me: Don’t stay at Taj. They’ve had four murders and carjackings in the last 16 months.
Pi: But it’s so cheap! And centrally located!
Me: O_o Did you hear me say murders and carjackings?
Pi: I’ll valet!
“No, I don’t think the zipper is the problem. It’s your back fat.”
My mother: It’s time to change your bandages. Unless you want to sit there and let the wound get infected and die.
Me: Mmm.
My mother: What?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me: Can you just mash up the banana in a bowl with some eggs, water and a little bit of butter and fry it on the stove?
My mother: Are you asking me to make banana pancakes for you?
Me: Oh, is that how you make pancakes? Really? That’s it?
My mother: Not one of your friends has come to visit you?
Me: I don’t want anyone visiting me. Then I would have to put on clothes.
My mother: What are you talking about? That shirt you’re wearing cost me TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS.
Me: Shrug.
*five minutes later*
My mother: Where are you going?
Me: The incinerator.
My mother: Put on some clothes!
Me: O_o
My mother: Do you want the green toothbrush or the blue one?
Me: *throws green toothbrush on the floor* The clean one.
Me: How do we get the grease out of the bottom of the oven?
VinNay: You’re a woman AND you’re black. Why are you asking *ME* how to clean things?
Vinnay (3 PM): You’re giving yourself bad luck by ignoring me.
Vinnay (4:30 PM): A courtesy wave would all but guarantee a double up.
(Two hours of the worst cards ever held by a poker player in the history of the game EVER, later…)
Me (6:39 PM): Fine. *wave* Now, give me aces.
Me (6:41 PM): HOLY SHIT, VINNAY! I just got queens!
(I went on to take fourth place in the tournament. This morning when I went to the bank to deposit my winnings. It’s one of those Citibank machines where you just push the cash in the slot — no envelope, no slip, no nothing — I put the money, the machine starts whirring and then it spit this out:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! I was telling my co-worker that this is the single most annoying slip of paper I have EVER received! “I’M SORRY?” Yeah, I took your cash, won’t give it back, there’s now NO record of you ever having given me any cash, but you know, “My bad! Have a nice day!”
I would respect Citibank more if the slip just said “Fuck you!”
So, I am now resuming my hostilities with Vinnay until my cash is either returned to me or credited to my account.
So, VinNay has decided today is talk to Dawn in Black sitcom titles day. I don’t even know how this started — somehow it started with live-texting watching Annie (this is why people should be sleeping at 6:30 in the morning) these are the best ones so far:
Me: Listing litany of bad things.
VinNay: Ahh, #goodtimes
VinNay: Who else is with you? Are you #hangingwithmrhooper
VinNay: Are they dating or is she #livingsingle?
Me: Quick, change my hole cards to pocket jacks.
VinNay: All my powers can do is give you a flop of #227.
VinNay: In #Adifferentworld you would have hit that flush.
Me: You’re going to run out.
VinNay: I think I can keep it up if I find a dictionary. I think I have a #Websters around here somewhere.
Me: HAHAHAHAAH
VinNay: I can keep this up all day #SisterSister
Then he took a “nap” for thirteen hours…cause I guess black people are lazy? #races
Voice on phone: Hi, sweetie it’s your grandma.
Me: I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number. My grandma is dead and you actually sound nice. Sorry.
“I don’t twitter… I don’t myface.” – Bill Belichick
A guy at work saw my HHOF pictures and we started talking about hockey and I said I just started following it, but I love the Rangers and hate Sidney Crosby. (Oh, I totally defended the Sabres when he said “besides Boston and Montreal, that whole division sucks.”) So, when his officemate, a huge Penguins fan walks in, he says:
Yo, John, Dawn was just saying how she’s a huge Sidney Crosby fan!
Me: Lies! Vicious lies! I hate that guy!
John: That’s okay. You can hate greatness, if you want.
LOL.
Now, I can’t wait for someone to start trash talking my Tommy, cause I’M SO STEALING THAT LINE!
Petitedov: Should I bring cupcakes or are we doing no sugar stuff?
Me: Dawn 2 is making a cake!
Petitedov: So, that’s a yes.
Me: Exactly.
—————————————————————
Petitedov: Why isn’t Vinnay here?! He keeps promising me we’re going to hang out…oh…um…are you still friends with him?
Me: (looks at calendar)