Clareified

Where does the good go

July Movie Reviews

The Big Chill

This movie was okay. The best thing I can say about it is that they cut Kevin Costner. The movie is about friends whose college friend kills himself and they spend the weekend hashing out old grudges and deciding who gets to sleep with the dead guy’s twenty-year-old girlfriend next. The impotent Vietnam vet wins.

The Paperboy

All Zac Efron movies start off with four stars. Zac Efron movies where he is wet and shirtless 90 percent of the time, start off with nine hundred stars. The movie is about Matthew McConaughey who is a journalist trying to free a death row inmate who he thinks is innocent. He comes with a British black assistant and an unrecognizable Nicole Kidman plays the convict’s girlfriend. John Cusack plays the convict. You’d think this movie would be AMAZING, wouldn’t you. Well, Zac Efron is wet and half naked for most of it. AND it’s better than Crash.

Not Fade Away

This movie is awful. I went through an obsessed with the Sopranos phase in June, so I watched this cause the same guy directed it and it stars Tony Soprano. But YARF. It’s a crappy period piece about some shitty cover singer who wants to make it and so some stupid shit happens and his dad or cancer or something. Blargh. AW. FULL.

Gladiator

One of the Sopranos characters is obsessed with this movie, so I thought I’d rewatch it. I LOVED this when I saw it in the theater, but it does not hold up. This movie is not good. It’s predictable, clichéd and kinda silly. There are maybe twenty awesome minutes – mostly the beginning and the end. The rest is drivel. The Oscars are so dumb.

Bernie

This movie is about a man who kills the old lady he either works for or is involved with. It’s an actually well executed fauxumentary. Weird McConaughey is in this too. The movie stars Jack Black as the man and is funny and compelling. The reality that this dude was caught with a dead body in his freezer but is free, because a Hollywood director vouched for him… well… that’s disturbing.

Burning Man

Good lord is this movie horrendous. It’s about a family and then the mom gets cancer and dies and the dad goes crazy and the son goes to live with his aunt or something. It’s Australian. Also bad.

After Tiller

This is a documentary about how late term abortion doctors are so harassed and murdered in America that there are only FOUR left. Jesus. It follows various women who get abortions and the doctors and it’s just heartbreaking all the way through.

SEC Storied: Going Big

This is about the guy who got drafted ahead of Michael Jordan. I watched it because I assume this will be a bar trivia question some day…but now I can’t remember his name again. D’oh. Needless to say, the guy was a bust. Not worth the watch.

Manhattan

The fucking movie is HORRIBLE. Why is Woody Allen celebrated for this? The writing is crap, the acting is crappier, the plot is implausible. None of the characters are believable. UGH and he’s dating a teenager WHO HE PICKS UP AT SCHOOL? Disgusting.

Gideon’s Army

This is a documentary about legal aid lawyers and how poorly paid and overworked they are. It’s good. I mean, not the life of a legal aid lawyer or their clients… the documentary.

The Woman Who Wasn’t There

This is a documentary about a Spanish woman who pretended to work in Tower 1 and pretended to have a husband who died in Tower 2 during the 9/11 attacks. The film ultimately unsatisfying because it never interviews the woman or answers the question WHY THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT?

Reasonable Doubt

I went back and forth on this movie. At first, I thought it was awesome. It’s about a hard nosed prosecutor who ends up hitting and running a guy AND THEN PROSECUTING SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE DEATH! But then it takes a turn, which I won’t spoiler and it got even more awesome and then the end. Blargh. Samuel L Jackson is in it.

The Invisible Woman

This is about the woman Charles Dickens left his wife and seven kids for. You all know how I feel about adultery. Blech. The movie ruined one of my favorite writers. I’m mad.

Oldboy

Spike Lee’s remake actually stuck pretty closely to the original. But since I already knew how the story ended, it wasn’t as powerful as the original. Just watch the original.

Soldiers of Fortune

This is kind of a dumb mindless watch. A dishonorably discharged renegade soldier is hired by a company to lead a “fantasy camp” for a bunch of rich dudes who want to play at war. Then, whoops, they end up in an actual war. It has moments, though, not many.

Suture

OH MY FUCKING GOD. OKAY. I saw this movie with Mary and I was so angry that I was googling articles about it for DAYS after. It’s about these brothers who meet at their dad’s funeral and the one brother decides to fake his death using the body of the other brother. Unfortunately, the brother fucks it all up by surviving. BUT HERE’S THE THING. ONE BROTHER IS BLACK AND THE OTHER IS WHITE. YET NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE! Not his plastic surgeon, who has before pictures that she’s using to recraft his face nor the chick that raised the murderous brother. They’re all la lalala oh you look just the same. NO HE FUCKING DOESN’T! *throws remote*

Grudge Match

Okay, don’t laugh. This movie was kinda awesome. It’s De niro and Stallone as aging boxers with a history. Financial difficulties force Stallone to accept a rubber match fight fifty years after he beat De Niro. It’s funny, touching and the ending is a surprise.

The Lunchbox

This is a Bollywood movie about two people who fall in love without ever meeting. He mistakeningly gets the lunch she has prepared for her husband. There’s no singing though.

Cold Comes the Night

This movie is weird, but I think I liked it. It stars Walter White as an aging assassin/dealer who loses his “package” he then blackmails a motel clerk into helping him get it back. Things go awry.

The Bag Man

This movie is so incredibly dumb. Why do all modern-day John Cusack movies stink?

The Secret of My Success

This movie is trash. Oh, the eighties, why did we not realize you were terrible? I rented this cause a clip shows up in the Second season of Orange is the new black and I thought there was some message. There wasn’t. I just watched this shitty Michael J. Fox movie for no reason.

The Legend of Hercules

Like Gladiator, this movie has maybe fifteen exciting minutes – mostly at the end, the rest is drivel. Skip.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

I actually thought this movie was way funnier than the original, although it does repeat many of the same gags. Oh, and it still isn’t that great.

Pompeii

Wow I watched a lot of movies featuring arena fighting… this one has Game of Throne’s Jon Snow chasing Jack Bauer on horseback. It’s not good.

Prisoners

Okay, this movie is like forty-five hours long and you have NO idea what’s happening until the last fifteen minutes. It’s not a bad movie and the end is satisfying, BUT DAMN you put in a lot of work to get there. Oh, it’s about two girls who are kidnapped from the same street where a string of kidnapping happened ten years prior. The fathers take the search into their own hands. But the truth is more complicated than they could ever imagine!

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