Clareified

Where does the good go

Mother, May I?

Get it?


May?


Mother’s Day!


Mother May I?


Why do I give you guys this stuff for FREE?


So, my peoples what’s new? What’s happening? Your hockey team crapping out in the Stanley Cup Playoff? Yeah, mine too. It sucks. I’m also losing in the Stephane/Vinny hockey pool heads up match. Which, since I never lose to that fool heads up, leads me to believe hockey and all things hockey are racist. Let us never speak of them again.


Not much else is going on here, except I watched some movies, wanna hear about them? Here it goes:


Mean Girls


Well, one month after declaring myself too old for high school movies, I found myself streaming this little chestnut on Netflix. Um. This movie is awful. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. So, this movie has been heralded through the ages for what, exactly? Ooh, Tina Fey writing it? Good for her. It’s not a good movie for girls — wow, does this movie HATE girls. It’s not a good movie for gay kids (why is the gay guy in the girls only gym meeting?) It’s not a good movie for racial or ethnic minorities (She lived in “Africa” — you know, someplace savage like that to prepare her for savagery of High School. See? aren’t we clever! let’s insert tigers taking down zebras for emphasis.) Eye. Motherfucking. Roll. This movie is bullshit on a sandwich.


Mean Girls 2


Much better than the original, if only because it involves a football game, but still wretched. It’s basically set at the same high school ten years later with different kids. The stereotypes are less offensive.


Heathers


I feel like I did see this movie a billion years ago, but I didn’t really remember it. Basically, serial killers start offing the popular kids at school. One of them has a change of heart and kills the other one. I would prefer if the movie was just the dark imaginings of Winona Ryder because, otherwise, wow, the police are dumb as hell. But it’s unclear. It’s okay.


Tender Mercies


I have no idea why I rented this movie set in the 1970s about a washed up country singer who gets a job at a gas station and ends up marrying the widow owner and becoming a stepfather to her 8-year-old son. It’s not good.



Liberal Arts



This movie is almost the perfect film. Nothing explodes — but it’s got Zac Efron, it’s well written and tugs on all the nostalgia strings. I highly recommend it — you think it’s gonna be all cliched and gross, but then it’s not. It’ll make you want to call up your favorite teacher and tell them thanks. Unless, you hate phones.


Delivery Man


I actually thought this flick about a man finding out his sperm donations have fathered more than 500 children worked. Vince Vaughn plays the lead, a slacker who works in the family meat shop who is forced to grow up quickly because his girlfriend is pregnant (
Robin from How I Met Your Mother — she and that whole relationship, are the weakest parts of the movie.) Basically, he finds out the news, then tracks down the kids one by one and tries to help their lives anonymously.


Blue Caprice


This movie about the Beltway snipers is eery. The movie concentrates on Lee malvo’s relationship with John Muhammed before they start out on the spree. It’s super creepy. I think it’s good, but creepy.


Saving Mr. Banks


This movie about the making of Mary Poppins is awful. It’s super misogynistic, though that may be a product of the time, but not cool. Ugh. Tom Hanks as Disney is fine, but they make the creator of Mary Poppins so unreasonable and unlikable that you are just angry and uncomfortable through the whole thing. And heck, that may be how the lady really was, but guess what, then don’t make a movie about her.


Ain’t Them Bodies Saints


I have no idea what this title is on about, but the movie is pretty good. It’s about a Bonnie and Clyde-ish couple that gets in a shoot out with the cops, but since the chick is pregnant, the man gives himself up and takes the rap for the all the crimes. Then the cop she shot falls in love with her and wants to marry her and father the kid, but the convict dad is all “I’m coming back for you both,” and then he breaks out of jail. Dun dun dun.


Kill Your Darlings


Booooooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I will never be here for the romanticization of real life murderers — especially when they’re ivy league educated, white male murderers and druggies. FUUUUCCCKKKKK TTTHHHEEEEEMMMMM. Oh, this movie is about Burroughs and the On the Road guy and Allen Ginsberg and how they murdered/helped cover up the murder of this gay guy. Of course, nothing happens to them and they go on to have successful publishing careers. I repeat, fuuuuuccccckkkk ttthhhhheeeeeemmmmmm.

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