Clareified

Where does the good go

April movie reviews

I’ve been writing monthly movie reviews for too long, I’m literally cycling through old titles now…but here we go!

Austenland


This movie is a modern day update of the Pride and Prejudice story. Homely spinster (eyeroll) Kerri Russell is all thirty and unmarried, so she spends her life savings to go to “Austenland,” a live action reenactment of Jane Austen’s ubiquitous love story. It’s okay.


At Middleton


Um… the lady from the Bates Motel TV show and Andy Garcia are polar opposites taking their teens on a campus visit to Middleton. She drives him crazy with her interrupting and he makes her nuts with his uptightness! Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Meh. It’s okay.


The Incredible Burt Wonderstone


Um… that guy from the Office and Steve Buscemi are partners in a Las Vegas magic show, but after ten years together, and a hot new magic act, Jim Carrey, breathing down their necks, they try to shake things up, but it all falls apart and James Gandolfini fires them. It’s okay.


For a Good Time, Call
UGH. I have this “no live action movie under 90 minutes is any good” rule. This piece of garbage is 84 minutes. It’s hot garbage. Two women — one a bootleg Bette Midler– start a sex hotline together. Are there even still sex hotlines out there? So DUMB.


Save the Date


Hmm…I cannot remember what this movie is about…OH. Two sisters are planning the older sister’s wedding. She is uptight, younger sister is flighty. Hinjinks, as they say, ensue. It was good.


The Sessions


This movie is about a handicapped man hiring a sex counselor to teach him how to have sex even though he’s paralyzed from the neck down. I have no idea why I rented this, but I did…and I watched it and it was exactly what it said it would be. His confidante through the whole process is a roman catholic priest, so I didn’t like that, as, well…I don’t think a roman catholic priest would do such a thing.


Smashed


Um… I don’t know why crack is making this big comeback in stories about middle class white people, but here we are. This movie is about a young couple who go out and get loaded every night, but when the woman half of the couple yarfs in front of her kindergarten class and has to fake being pregnant to explain away her party foul, she decides to go to AA and clean up her act. Also, she smokes crack.


Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
I didn’t learn much about apartheid or Nelson Mandela from this movie– which is odd considering it’s asposed to be about Nelson Mandela’s long walk to freedom from *apartheid.* I was fascinated, though, by the character of Winnie Mandela. First off, she is portrayed as an aggressor, both in the courtship AND in the “struggle.” Also, the make up people do not age her *at all* until the very last scene after Nelson has left her. I think we’re supposed to ”
feel sorry for her” but I mostly felt ashamed of the men around her who couldn’t support her. I don’t know the real life story of how she ended up jailed for corruption and whatnot, but I’m suddenly much more interested in the “Winnie Mandela: Long Walk to Vilification” story.


Sarafina


I’ve seen this movie like ten times (and I saw the off broadway show when I was a kid.) I love it. Everyone should see it. I learn new things about apartheid every time I watch it. Great movie. PLUS: SINGING AND DANCING!


Total Recall


I watched the original, with the former Governor of California, a couple of years ago (oh, not with him, starring him. I have never met the former Governor, nor been alone with him, I won’t be taking any more questions, this press conference is OVER.) and I fell asleep. I don’t know why I rented the remake cause I also fell asleep during it. Total Recall is just a boring premise for a movie.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower


I think I’m officially too old for these “coming of age” movies about tortured high schoolers. Oh, no one will sit with me in the lunchroom, ehrmagosh my paper is like totally due TOMORROW, AAHH THE SATs. Eyeroll. I’m sorry, I don’t care. Lawn comma get off of my.


The Kings of Summer


Eh. Three boys decide to run away from home and build a house for themselves in the woods. Then a girl comes between them and ruins everything. Chicks are the worst, amirite? Yawn.


Mud


Two boys run away from home and find a boat in a tree and then discover a convict has been hiding out in it. So, OF COURSE, they decide to help him. Double Yawn. Hmmm… all these horrible movies are about white boys. Why is that? Why are white boys always running away and why is Hollywood always writing movies about sad lonely white American boys and how hard life is for them? TUH. Lemmee go rewatch Sarafina.

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