Clareified

Where does the good go

December Movie Reviews

I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.


Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away…so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I’M SOOOO MAD that I can’t watch anything anymore, so I’m taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)


Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.


12 Years a Slave
So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn’t hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.


Gravity
This movie was great. It’s probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It’s a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It’s about americans in space or one woman’s journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded “eh, I likes what I likes.”)


Frank & The Robot
This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It’s about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It’s cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.


New Jack City
HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn’t have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!


Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL’S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn’t get to “remarry and have a kid with some other chick” while his “first wife” is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.

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