Clareified

Where does the good go

September movie reviews

No. But it’s close.

Anchorman
This is a weird movie, right? I mean, I liked it. I thought it was funny. But it is a weird movie. I guess it’s about the integration of a San Diego television station (is that the right word for when they let chicks in? Hold on, lemmee google this “becoming co-ed”?) Whatevs, Kelly Bundy becomes an anchor and she is kinda shady and ambitious, so hijinks ensure. Weird movie.

The Player
Ugarles and Julius Goat said this is the prequel to Shawshank. It was okay. It hasn’t aged particularly well. But the fake movie they make at the end is hilarious and I would TOTALLY go see it. Oh, it’s about a producer who is so afraid he’s about to lose his job that he goes crazy. Sorta.

Pain & Gain
This movie is awful. Awfully awful. And you know how much I love the Rock. I love The Rock a lot. He was not Rock-y in this. UGH. HORRID. I’m… so it’s a “based on a true story” movie about body builders who decide to kidnap their clients and steal all their money. But they’re dumb, so… they make many mistakes along the way. The outdoor grilling of their murder victims’ hands was funny.

Admission
BLARGH. This movie is TUURRRIIBBBLLEEE. I don’t understand why Tina Fey or Paul Rudd are in this flick about a spinster admissions officer who well, is very into her job. Paul Rudd plays a do-goody hipster who won’t mind his own beeswax. He has a black son. Of course. *eyeroll* Badness.

Olympus Has Fallen
Z.O.M.G. THIS MOVIE IS FANTASTIC!!! FANTASTICLY FANTASTIC!!!!! Okay, so it opens like the beginning of that rock climbing Sylvester Stallone movie and you’re all bummed out and think well, it can’t get worse than this. AND THEN IT DOES! And then ninjas (Dawn is SO #races) attack the capital and then occupy the white house and the last thing the final secret service guy says before he dies is “Olympus has… fallen.” OR IS HE THE FINAL SECRET SERVICE GUY??? Dun dun dun. No, he’s not. THERE’S ANOTHER! MAAANNN. SO GOOD. ASPLOSIONS, GUN FIRE, HELICOPTER CRASHES, everything that makes a movie awesome AND NO STOOPID LOVE STORY! (Except the love of a man for his country!) *slow claps*

Amour
I swear I am going to fight the Academy. I’m going to fight it with fists. WHY ON EARTH was this movie nominated for Best anything?? The whole thing takes place in an apartment. But the old man is delusional and you’re not sure what’s real and what’s the opposite of real. The old lady is paralyzed and cranky. Everyone is French… Mon Dieu! Why am I watching this? Because… Oscar. Grrr. *shakes fist*

The End of Love
So… this movie is about the year after a young mom dies and how the young dad copes with raising their toddler alone. The toddler is a surprisingly good actor. I was mad at people who said Quvenzhane Wallis shouldn’t be eligible for an Oscar because she’s just a kid, but I guess if the director could get such a moving performance out of a three-year-old, maybe they might have a point. I dunno. But the toddler was the best part and should totes get an Oscar. The movie was weirdly uneven. One minute the dad is making cereal for his kid, the next George Michael from Arrested Development is waving a gun all around. It’s like, if he’s friends with Michael Cera, why is he hurting for money to pay his rent and feed the child? All in all it’s okay. But weird.

42
This movie is super cheesy, but still moving. It’s about Jackie Robinson integrating (HA! Now it’s the right word) major league baseball. It’s annoying how Harrison Ford (the owner of the Dodgers) is painted as the real hero, but cest la vie. I wish Brooklyn still had its own baseball team.

The Call
Based on Halle Berry’s hairstyle alone, I thought this movie was going to suck. Now, it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination, “good.” But it didn’t quite dip to the level of suck. So, there’s that. It’s about a 911 dispatcher who has already lost a girl to a brutal murderer and when the call comes in from another young female victim, she refuses to give up until she gets her back safe! Her hair looks terrible.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
THE ROCK! AND HE’S ROCKY! Whew, breakup averted! It’s a super cheesy cartoon villain meets cartoon hero movie. London gets fucked ALL the way up!

Dredd
Um… it’s a remake of the 1990s flick Judge Dredd. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

Clueless
Aww. In college, I could recite all the lines from Clueless verbatim. It still holds up as a quirky, if somewhat creepy, rom-com. I’m glad time has corrected the injustice of Alicia Silverstone being a bigger star than Paul Rudd. RIP Brittany Murphy. *cues rollin with the homies*

The Imposter
I saw Julius Goat and Dan England talking about this movie on twitter. It’s creeeeeee—pppyyy. Go see it. Then read the article in the new Yorker. DON’T READ THE ARTICLE FIRST, CHEATERS!

Religulous
This “documentary” about how religion is destroying the world was awful. Bill Maher is rude, condescending and should be hit with a lightning bolt on sheer principle. Though, had I seen this movie first, I might not have spent hard earned money at Jesus world in Orlando. Bill Maher was right about that place. He’s still a dick though.

One Response to “September movie reviews”

  1. DRobbSki Says:

    Wow. We are at the point where even judge dredd gets remade? That’s….a little frightening. I still remember sly’s “iamthelaw” commercial, and thinking it looked horrible.

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