Clareified

Where does the good go

SURPRISE!

I’ve learned the prize for winning the @realdawnsummers bday challenge is picking her up at an airport in the middle of the night. – Notoriouslig

No good deed goes unpunished – Wicked

It’s true. They should do what @grange95 did, get a Dawn face eating dog. No, I mean they should NOT do what @grange95 did. NOT. Face eating dogs BAD. Besides, they already have a cadre of malodorous skunks at the ready. The Notorious L.I.G. picked me up from LAX in the Beamer convertible, top already down.

“LA is a LIE!” I yelled as I wrapped the fleece she brought around the sweatshirt I was already wearing over my jean jacket.

“Just wait till we get skunked!” she said cackling, “Surprise!”

RRUUDDDEEE.

It has been a robber’s age since Pearatty threw my last surprise birthday party in LA. So, since the old crew has long moved away or were out of town for the summer, Laura promised to rent some friends for me. And now it turns out she meant stinky skunks all along!!

HMPH!!!

We got to her house and I looked around skeptically… no skunks yet, but the last time I was here, there were dead baby heads hanging from the trees for their Halloween party.

I searched the branches.

“Where are they!?!”

“Where are what? Don’t worry Dawn… it’s not Halloween, silly.”

She opened the garage door and pulled the car forward. The headlights hit the back wall, lighting up the garage:

AHHHHHHH!!!!!
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“DEAD BABY!! DEAD BABY”

“SURPRISE!” She laughed again.

RRRUUUUUDDDDDDEEEEEE.

The next morning her way way way way better half, Veronica, provided me with bellinis and bacon and eggs for breakfast!

BTW: Bellinis >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Mimosas I don’t even… why have you people been hiding the bellinis?

RACES!!

Hmm… what happened after I had five bellinis…I can’t remember…shrugs…. at some point my rent-a-friends arrived! The first was a super cool 16-year-old girl who liked Dr. Who AND was a Patriots fan!! HA! The skunk thing was just a diversion! Laura got me the PREMIUM rental friends!! The girl’s dad was a Cowboys fan, so we made fun of him for a few hours about that. He was like “she’s usually so quiet!”

“Yeah, so sorry… Dawn is a bad influence.”

“LIES! I’M QUIET TOO… well… you know, not right this second while I’m yelling about how quiet I am… but in general!!!!” (They couldn’t see the exclamation points, but I exuded exclamatory enthusiasm.)

Veronica’s parents stopped by (she had sent them out to buy my piƱata (do white people know what that is? Eh, google it. They’re fun. I grew up in a HUGE extremely competitive extended family…so uh… they can also be dangerous as hell.) and told them to get a football one. Which… to elderly latin-american people means this:

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But then Laura pointed out it kinda looks like a decapitated panda, so, you know, that’s cool.

Laura and Vero’s next-door neighbor came by with her teenage kids. The boy was a Patriots fan, the girl was not. Kay, who has been trying to hijack my Tom Brady helmet for the last 20 months, and her state certified Negro girlfriend, Nan were also there. There might have also been another Laura, we’ll call her good Laura… at this point, the bad Laura opens up a bag of water guns. This spawned two hilarious games.

The first: teenage non-Patriots fan girl was all “No, you shouldn’t give guns to anyone associated with the Patriots organization.”

RRRUUUUDDDEEEE.

So, then we played Aaron Hernandez with her. (Uh…should I ever run for office, let the record show that I was outraged at this turn of events and absolutely did NOT yell out “You’re Oden Lloyd!”)

After chasing Oden into the pool, Nan looks at the guns and says “this looks like a penis.”

Inspiring the second: “When was the last time you saw a penis” game.

LOL.

There was a lot of alcohol involved… oh, did that go without saying? Sometime near nightfall, we all moved inside to watch the Trayvon Martin verdict. We gathered around the TV for hours watching the aftermath and listening to commentary. I spent most of this time telling Kay not to tweet death threats to people. At the end of the night, everyone yelled at me for turning on the TV and ruining all their lives.

“THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN TEN YEARS THAT I AM LEAVING THIS HOUSE SOBER, DAWN SUMMERS! SOBER!” Nan shouted and then threw flower vases at my head.

“SURPRISE” Laura yelled, laughing.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN. Nobody ever throws vases at my head during Toronto birthdays! Though petitedov WILL knock her drink over. (HAHAHAAHAHAH… She is so gonna punch me in my face. #BIRTHDAYSEASON #INNOCENT)

The next day was positively perfect in every way! The weather was excellent, so I sat by the pool reading the Great Gatsby (an actual dusty hardcopy of the book!) and listening to the Mets game (they won) as the sangria and guacamole fairy (#noheterosexes) brought me food and drink. I swear, PERFECT! There was no talking, no exertion, just floating around, drinking and reading and baseball.

Ahhh. The life. Though, it has been (probably) twenty years since I read the Great Gatsby, kind of a bummer ending, no? And I always thought that line “the rich are different from you and me” came from Gatsby… but no. It’s actually a made up quote!

You’re welcome!

6 Responses to “SURPRISE!”

  1. Grange95 Says:

    Ya know, once you train the dog to eat other people’s faces, he will easily be your favorite gift. Just give him a chance, he’ll grow on you.

    Or is it “gnaw on you”? I’m not so good with colloquialisms. Whichever.

  2. notoriouslig Says:

    Upon further consideration, I think my biggest mistake was missing the chance to take you down while you were floating in the pool. Then I could’ve claimed a Gatsby-themed party! Can’t believe I missed the chance.

  3. Dawn Says:

    hahahahahahaha Gatsby and Aaron Hernandez themed!

  4. Pdov Says:

    I am slightly offended, even if I’m a klutz. I still have your present from xmas….good times. Pool & alcohol is an awesome combo.

  5. dawn Says:

    :( awww don’t be offended, it just means i’m thinking of you! And GIMMEE!

  6. Dan M Says:

    Doctor Who/Patriots fans >>>> everyone

    I also liked the smoking dead baby. And of course the drinking and pool antics.

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