Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for June, 2013

Alceste la vie

Monday, June 24th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I stumbled onto the phrase “Alceste, Party Pooper,” this weekend and laughed so hard (it’s funnier when said in real life, and not because saying ‘poop’ is always funny, though not NOT because saying ‘poop’ is always funny. Poop. HAHAHAHAHAAHA *hangs head*)

SOOOOOOOO, it’s Alceste’s birthday month! And he *actually* celebrated it like four times! Well, sorta.

His birthday was last Friday, so on Saturday we went out to the Chip Shop in Brooklyn’s Cobble Hill. It’s a British styled pub-ish place. All the screens were showing boring grass hockey and the walls were covered with union jacks and articles about the Beatles doing things. He got there first, so when I arrived, I enthusiastically said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALCESTE!”

And then I told the waiter: It’s his birthday, so do whatever really embarrassing thing the British people do on people’s birthdays!
Waiter: They’re British. They don’t do anything.
Alceste: And it’s not my birthday.

RUDE HATE-FILLED BRITS.

Dawn 2 joined us after escaping from the pit of a toddler fire trap and we all had fish, chips and ales of sorts. There was no cake. (AND THIS IS WHY ALL YOUR COLONIES LEAVE YOU!)

After British birthday, they made me walk four hundred miles with them to their concert at the Jay-Z center and I headed home to plan the beach party phase of Alceste birthday.

As you know, the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary (her official moniker for so long as she lives on the beach) invited us to come for a visit to her new place. Thus, Alceste beach party weekend was born.

However, on Wednesday, I got e-mails from Kearns AND ALCESTE saying they couldn’t make it! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Alceste birthday with no Alceste is gonna be a bummer! I mean, it would happen, but it’d be a bummer.

Luckily, everything fell into place and Friday night I pulled up beside Alceste’s car at the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary’s house.

“You have to move your car to the other side, Dawn,” Mary says standing in the doorway, “that’s not the parking space for black guests.”

Balls.

So, I parked around back by the servant’s entrance and we all hopped into Alceste’s car to head to our dinner at a pan asian noodle bar at Caesar’s.

“Happy Birthday, Alceste!” I said waving and then told the waitress that it was his birthday and she should do… I wanted to say “whatever Asian thing they do for people’s birthdays,” but that sounded #races, so I ended my sentence there.

“It’s not my birthday,” Alceste then added.

RUDE.

At dinner, I had one of those funny epiphanies. I had been to this place before, but I could not for the life of me remember what I had ordered. I stared at the menu, flipped through the pages, looked at the specials and tried to figure it out. I couldn’t. Finally, I just decided to order something I’d like. I read all the dishes and picked one. When it arrived, the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary, said “Oh, that’s what you had last time.”

Who’s got two thumbs and knows what she likes even though she can’t remember what things are called? THIS GUY.

The great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary treated us all to dinner, but, alas, once again there was no cake. (AND THIS IS WHY AMERICA IS *NEVER* PAYING BACK THAT CHINESE DEBT.)

We headed back to Mary’s house and I grabbed the prime spot in front of the TV. Mary gave Dawn 2 and Alceste a tour of her house, I made sure all her channels were working. They were.

Now, since I don’t want everyone all hogging my space at the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary’s beach house, I am NOT going to tell you anything about what a gorgeous morning we woke up to.

Dawn 2 made some awesome coffee after I clinked an empty mug and whined about how empty and devoid of coffee it was. (HAHAHAH Do you remember those old “Goofus and Gallant” cartoons? Dawn 2 and I could star in the updates. Dawn shows up to a friend’s new house empty-handed and drinks their wine. Dawn 2 shows up at a friend’s house with two bottles of wine. Dawn cries until *somebody* *somewhere* brings her coffee. Dawn 2 makes coffee for everyone! Dawn sees real maple syrup and scrunches up her face in disgust. Dawn 2 offers to bring bottles down next time for Mary to store her cherry liqueur. Dawn kidnaps and hides Dawn 2 in a basement far far away so she will stop making her look so bad.)

Dawn 2 put on her running gear and said “vamos a la playa,” before heading out to jog on the beach and I was totally like “OMIGOSH!! THAT’S ONE OF THE SENTENCES I KNOW!!!” So I decided to go to the beach too just so I could also yell out “VOY A LA PLAYA,” before I left!

The shores were littered with a handful of families. I played chicken with the waves until the foam gobbled up my feet to the ankles. It was too cold to swim, but I played wave tag and danced around on the sand to Nicki Minaj for about an hour before heading back. As I walked toward the house, I saw Alceste talking to a man in front of Mary’s house. I assumed it was some guy Alceste played poker with at the casino or something.

My feet and legs were covered with sand and saltwater, so I sat on the porch and took off my sandals. I caught snippets of the conversation happening between Alceste and the man, but didn’t participate. After a few minutes, the man said “by the way, I’m Doug” (or some “sounds like Doug-ish” name) and then Alceste said his name and they shook hands.

Huh. What’s this. Alceste didn’t even KNOW this dude??

The guy leaves and I’m all “Uh…what was that?”

Alceste explains that the guy saw him and asked if he was the new owner and when Alceste said no, it belonged to his friend, they just started talking.

O_O

“So…you don’t know that guy…he doesn’t have any of your stuff and you’re not in need of medical assistance…I’m confused…who are you? where’s Alceste???!”

Dawn 2 concurred.

“He doesn’t talk to any of OUR neighbors!”

“Just WAIT till I tell the internet how friendly you are!” I said.

(ALCESTE IS SOOOOOO FRIENDLY, INTERNET!!!!!! Also, it’s his birthday!)

Mary showed me where the hose for black guests was and I washed off my shoes and feet while her other neighbor’s dogs tried to eat my face.

Mary then MADE us all breakfast! We had blueberries and bacon and french toast. I’m not a french toast person, but there was bread and it was toasted and it surrendered immediately when my fork applied pressure, so I assume all was as french toast is supposed to be.

After an awesome breakfast and day at the beach, the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary drove us to the casino for pokering to be pokered. We all sat at the same table because they started a new game for us.

I’ll spare you most of the details of the pokering, but I do want to relate one funny tale.

We’re sitting there, the Mets game is on the TV right above our table, the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary is two seats to my left, Alceste is at the far end and I’m watching the game. The Mets are getting DEEEE-SSTRROOYYYED. It’s like 7-1. I sigh.

“Well, if they just score seven more runs, we’re right back in this!”

The WHOLE table, including the dealer, laughs at me.

RUDE… speaking of which.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALCESTE”

“Oh, it’s your birthday,” the guy to Alceste’s right, asks.

“No.” he replies.

The Mets end up scoring FIVE runs in that inning and are only down 7-5. I look at my hand: KK (Pocket kings are the second best starting hand in no limit hold ’em!) Sigh. (That’s called foreshadowing.)

I’m in the cutoff seat and *Alceste* opens the betting by raising to ten dollars, the guy next to him calls (a young kid who had been splashing around his tiny short stack all-in for the last hour with silly Ace highs,) the lady next to me called and I thought about what to do.
I figured Alceste had a really good hand and would call any preflop raise from me, AND I figured the stupid short stack kid would shove all-in if I raised preflop and Alceste called…which if Alceste had pocket aces (the best starting hand in no limit hold ’em) would mean vaffles for Dawn. And not the delicious kind with artificial syrup.

So… I just call. The flop is TEN high. Alceste IMMEDIATELY bets out $25. I stare at him and worry he had raised preflop to $10 with pocket tens. Before I could even really complete my thought, the young kid SHOVES ALL-IN. I see now that his silly shoving had turned into a decent stack, Alceste’s face contorts with shock!

It folds to me and I think and think and think. I basically put the stupid kid on AT and decide that Alceste’s shocked face means he doesn’t have a set, so my pocket kings are good. I shove all-in too — I actually had more money than I thought I did, but I think I would have still done it. Alceste asks for a count, sighs, says “I know I have him beat, but I don’t know what she has” and then folds. The kid flashes Alceste his cards, and Alceste gives a face like “Ah, you had me.” I panic and now know I need a king. It doesn’t come. The kid turns over AA. I show my KK so everyone can feel sorry for me.

The Mets score a run to get within one.

I feel slightly better, I *GUESS,* but I decide the whole debacle is Alceste’s fault and shake my fist at him. (He would ask later why was it his fault and I said “BECAUSE YOUR FACE!” He accepted that as valid. And then I said Happy Birthday and he said it wasn’t his birthday.)

At, 8:30, after Dawn 2 returned from shopping, we went to dinner at the buffet and waited in line for HOURS. I was SOOOOO HUNGRY.

I said “I’m soooooo hungry!”

The great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary, said “Poor Dawn. You ran kings into aces, the Mets lost and now Harrah’s is starving you to death.

“Thanks for the recap, MARY!” Stoopid Mary.

ERRR…I mean… the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary.

After dinner, we walked through the casino floor to get to the garage, and I realized I hadn’t been in a casino in more than a year. I looked at the felt covered table games and giggled. “Always bet the bonus! Bonus money is the sweetest money!” Just as @thisisnotapril taught me.

We got back to the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary’s house in time for the end of the Blackhawks’ game. Dawn 2 gave Mary a present she bought for her at the outlet mall.

“Dawn 2 is the best Dawn in the world,” Mary declared.

We then decided to go out for a walk on the beach. Alceste didn’t want to go because he didn’t want to get sand all over his sneakers, so we peer pressured him. I swear someone actually said “the beach isn’t too sandy.”

O_o Whatever, it worked!

Dawn 2 grabbed a flashlight. Dawn grabbed a sports bottle filled with wine for herself.

“Dawn is the WORST Dawn in all the world!”

I would have said “races,” but I was in the middle of polishing off her wine, so my mouth was full.

The beach at night was strangely beautiful. You don’t often see real life in black and white. But there we were, standing on the dark shore, bathed in moonlight, on an eerie colorless landscape.

Dawn 2 and Alceste were hugging (awww, how ridiculously adorable are THEY), Mary was trying to jack a lifeboat and I was sipping water bottle wine when the beach patrol cruiser rolled by.

“Uh oh.”

“It’s okay, we’re standing below sea level. There are no laws down here!”

“Woo! Cock fight!”

I watch too much Simpsons.

As we walked back, I noticed paw prints in the sand.

I screamed.

“Oh, it’s not an animal print… is a claw footed child.”

I screamed again.

“Looks like a bear,” said the great, wise, all-powerful, beautiful smart Mary, laughing.

“WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING??? THERE’S A POLAR BEAR COMING FOR US!” What? You haven’t seen Lost? Beaches are where Polar Bears come from!

We got back to the house and watched a documentary about the OJ Simpson car chase… where Alceste hilariously pointed out that the LAPD stood ready to “kill OJ before he could commit suicide.” Alceste got a work e-mail at midnight, so he and Dawn 2 had to leave super early the next morning.

“HA! WHO’S THE BEST DAWN NOW??”

“Still her.”

Balls.

We headed to Harrah’s and played poker until dinner. I entertained myself by trolling Phillies fans as the Mets walloped doubles and home runs en route to a 8-0 shutout. I swear, one guy was going to punch my face as I audibly said “bye bye” and waved when David Wright homered to make it a 7-0 lead. Tee hee. I’m awful.

At dinner, Mary said she was going to make us cupcakes, but when Alceste sent the e-mail saying he wasn’t coming, she decided not to.

WWHHHAAATTTTT??? DDAAAAMMMNNNNNEEEDDDD AALLLCCEEESSSTTTEEE!!! First he causes my stacking with his face, NOW THIS! There was fist shaking.

After dinner, I headed back to Brooklyn. It was a great weekend. Um.

I mean bad weekend. Bad.

Right. Look, if there is a point to this story, it’s that there was no french toast or beaches or pokers. And there are man eating polar bears. You people stay away from my…er… Mary’s beach house.

If there is a point.

Also…

Happy Birthday, Alceste!

Have a great weekend

Friday, June 21st, 2013 by Dawn Summers


The proof is in the fire, you touch before it moves away, yeahhh
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go

And there ain’t no talkin to this man, he’s been tryin to tell me so
It took a while to understand, the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that
I’m gonna let him fly

Cracked.com gives me life

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Seriously, hysterical.

Swan drowns man

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

A continuing series…

But they don’t hear me though

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Six-year-old killed by uncle’s dog.

I’ll eventually write about what I really want to write about…

Tuesday, June 18th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

… but until then, I’ll keep posting results of my google searches for murderous animals.

Like cats.

Tuesday Tunes

Tuesday, June 18th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

It’s nothing, it’s so normal.

You just stand there, I could say so much, but I don’t go there

Bear mauls Alaskan man

Monday, June 17th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

My favorite part of this story, and there were a couple, is that the man could face charges. GOL.

*Growls out loud*

Obviously.

Not that *I’M* a bear.

WHAT? Could a bear do this? *does something a bear couldn’t do*

(Unless I were a bear, in which case, then, I did something a bear could do. But I’m not a bear.)

I’m not.

A bear.

Not.

Have a good weekend

Friday, June 14th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

we have fallen from our shelves
To face the truth about ourselves
And we have tumbled from our trees
Tumbled from our trees…

And I can almost…
I can almost hear the rain falling
Don’t you know it feels so good
It feels so good…
So let’s go out into the rain again
Just like we said we always would

Haters Gon Hate

Friday, June 14th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Have you guys seen this?