Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for May, 2013

YA GOTTA WHAT? BEEEEE-LLLLIIIIEEEEVVVVVEEEEE

Friday, May 31st, 2013 by Dawn Summers

A few days ago, I was moping around and channel surfing. I came upon the feed from the Mets game and noticed they were playing our cross town rivals.

Aww balls.

First, the Rangers get clocked in the face by Boston, now I got four days straight of subway series NONSENSE. (In the last three years the Mets have won one out six. EVERY YEAR. There was this ONE year when it looked like we might win TWO out of six and then this shit happened: http://www.iviewtube.com/v/58590/yankees-beat-mets-on-luis-castillo-error Oy.

So, not pleased was I. The game was scoreless in the sixth and I just kept watching. And then we were losing and I kicked myself for getting involved at all. Then it was tied! AND THEN WE WON! But then I was like… dang, at least when the win is in he middle, you can enjoy a couple more games — to win the first one and lose the rest, blah!

And sure enough, the next day we were losing good and properly THEEE WHOLE way. I went to bed in the eighth. But when I woke up the next morning, all the news stations were talking about the Mets sweeping the Yankees at home! I had missed the game winning bottom of the ninth heroics! I felt like those Bruins idiots who left Game 7 in the 3rd because they were down three goals.

I was jazzed! HA! Take that stoopid Yankees.

Then Game three, I hadn’t even turned the game on and the Mets were already up by a run. Then they were up by 5! I took the subway home and they were up 6! IT WAS CRAAAZZYYY.

We win three. And then I started to hope. I googled pictures of brooms. Could it really happen? Or is THIS how they crush our little hearts, we get sooooo close to a sweep and come up short.

I left work early so I could watch at home. I turn on the TV, Mets have a 2-0 lead, but stupid Dylan Gee is pitching. (I have previously explained that Gee doesn’t just have a decimal point in his ERA, he has a comma. He’s plum awful and loves pitching grand slams and back to back homers to opposing teams.)

“Oh no. Not Gee,” I sigh. Thirty seconds later, Cano smacks a homerun and cuts the lead in half.

Cry.

Oh vell.

But nothing else bad happens! I was actually bummed when they took Gee out in the eighth and not for the usual reasons that I’m bummed when they finally take Gee out! Mets still winning! The Mets extend the lead and we come to the bottom of the ninth. Here we go.

This is it, I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers… 2 outs “…and the Yankees are down to their last strike….”

“AND HE STRUCK HIM OUT!!”

YYYYAAYYAAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAAYAYAYAYAYAYYAAYYAYYAAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAAYYAAY

THEEEEE MEEEETTTTTSSSSSS SSSSSWWWWEEEEPPPPPPPPP TTHHHHEEEEE YYYAAANNNKKKKEEEESSSSSS FFFOOORRRR TTTHHHEEEEE FFFIIIIRRRSSSSTTT TTTTIIIMMMEEEEEE EEEEEVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR.

*does the wop*

And so, in honor of my underdogs in orange and blue:

Have a great weekend, everybody!

The cure for what ails you

Thursday, May 30th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I make terrible decisions.

I really do, this is not up for debate. However, in some thirty plus years of not only making terrible decisions, but KNOWING I make terrible decisions, there has been one comforting thought: Whatever you choose will be wrong. So just choose.

And I do.

Thus it was that, about a year ago, I got a phone call. Unemployed, bored and somewhat cabin feverish, I answered.

(Terrible decision number one, answering a call from an unrecognized number in the middle of the day.)

I listened for a while. Something about a reward for being something or another. I thought it was Harrah’s, since I was a diamond cardholder at the time.

Just say no thank you and hang up whispered the monster in my head.

I got half way through head monster’s plan of action, when the voice on the other end of the phone interrupted me.

“No, this won’t cost you anything! It’s completely free. Is there anyplace you’ve always wanted to go?”

“Ireland.”

“In America?”

He began listing places and said “New Orleans.”

“Actually, I was thinking I wanted to go to New Orleans.”

“Great. I can offer you four days and three nights in New Orleans for free.”

I SAID HANG UP head monster growled.

Shh, head monster, I’m GOING TO NEW ORLEANS *FOR FREE!*

So, I readily agree to take my free New Orleans trip, say goodbye to my salesman — who informs me to stay on the line while he transfers me to my “relationship specialist” to finalize the details for my free New Orleans trip.

“Cool, thanks!”

After speaking with my relationship specialist for a few moments, he informs me that due to New York State laws, they cannot actually offer me the New Orleans trip. The Attorney General has restricted the destinations to the following eight places. He starts to list these places.

SERIOUSLY. YOU. IN PAJAMAS AT FOUR PM. HANG UP THE PHONE!!!

Shhh…

“Did you say Orlando,” my mouth monster asks.

“Yes,” my relationship specialist replies.

“Is that where Disney World is?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’ll do that one.”

“Great, I’ll just need a credit card number…”

(If you’ve ever watched the Simpsons, this is the scene where Homer’s brain promptly floats away.)

My relationship specialist explains that they have to ensure that people come, and I’ll also be getting a $100 american express card for coming down. And a number of $100 hotel vouchers good for my stay anywhere. I was not to worry, everything would end up being free, just right now it would cost me $109. But I was not to worry, he was insistent on that. `

With my pesky brain monster now off drinking wine somewhere, I complied.

Some more stuff happens here, including my getting transferred to something called the fraud compliance department where I had to verbally confirm that I understood that this was a sales presentation and that the salesmen had not promised me anything that I was not getting.

“Um… well, he said I could go to New Orleans, but now I’m going to Orlando instead.”

“Oh, yes. We see that. We apologize. That’s your state’s consumer protection law at work. However, to make up for the mixup, how about I offer you a four day, three night stay at our Myrtle Beach property for just $90 more.”

Now, had my pesky brain monster still been in the room, I might have said “what is the New York AG’s office trying to protect me from?” or “I thought this was free?”

Instead, I said:
“Okay.”

Less than a week later, I received a packet of information about my “free” trips. However, the day after receiving the “free” trips phone call, I had gotten hired for another job starting immediately. All the free time that would be spent traveling to Orlando, vanished in that instant.

Fast forward ten months, I discovered that packet while going through documents in preparation for refinancing my mortgage (its own disaster tale for another day) and I noticed that the trips were only good for a year!

WHAT THE WHAT? I looked for the company’s refund policy, I believe “LOL” is their official stance.

UGH.

I quickly called and set up a reservation for May to go to Orlando. I decided to bring my mother. (Again, bad decisions make I.) The trip was all set. Then I looked into setting up the Myrtle Beach trip. Well, it turns out that unless I purchase a unit during my Orlando trip (which I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WOULD NOT DO! NU UH. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. RIGHT? RIGHTH?), I had to wait SIX months before going on the Myrtle Beach trip.

Double UGH. STOOPID BRAIN MONSTER!! HOW DID YOU LET ME GET INTO THIS MESS?

Not to mention to damn New York Attorney General’s office being COMPLETELY ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL and not protecting its consumers from these telephonic predators!!

I’m going to write a letter to the President.

Since this post is already tl;dr, I’ll save the Orlando story for monday! Also, hopefully I would have uploaded the pictures from my camera by then!

I quit hockey

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Last summer they traded away half the team to Columbus, this summer they fire the coach, so dunzo. It’s totally racist anyway. ooh, maybe I’ll come back if they hire a black coach. Heck, maybe I will become a fan of whatever NHL team has a black coach. Not really.

This new rule is b-u-l-l-c-r-a-p

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

It’s called a *spelling* bee, doofuses. DEFINE THAT!

Released Development

Tuesday, May 28th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

When I thought about writing this post about Season Four of Arrested Development, I planned to be exceedingly negative. I thumbed through the thesaurus of my imagination for synonyms of bad (At first, I wrote “bad synonyms,” but that conjured images of bad synonyms like gruel for food or Tyler Perry for screenwriter, so I changed it to synonyms of bad, hmm… perhaps synonyms for bad would be better. Basically, I was just going to combine the word suck with other words, i.e. sucktocracy, sucklandish, Count Suckula, it’s an imagination, after all, there’s no *actual* thesaurus there. (You get the post for free, the behind-the-scenes glimpse into my writing process are extra. *points arrow at paypal button*)

However, as I read the many internet reviews to come way before mine, written by people who, what’s the word, “are paid to do such things in a timely fashion,” (That’s ten words, Dawn. Shut up, Count Suckula, nobody asked you!) I realized that EVERYBODY was being exceedingly negative. And since, by nature, I like to stand out, now I’m just going to be a regular amount of negative.

Over at grantland, they’ve decided to have Ana Marie Cox watch the episodes one at a time and write weekly reviews. In my best Gob voice “*snorts* The girl with the FOUR THOUSAND DOLLAR FLATSCREEN, the thirty dollar a month netflix subscription AND NO LIFE is going is going IS GOING *snorts* TO TO TO WAIT FIFTEEN WEEKS to finish a season of television??! COME ON!”

Good luck with that, Grantland.

I will admit that, for some reason, I thought there were only 13 episodes, so when I finished episode 13 and Netflix gave me the “next episode will start in 19 seconds” prompt, I screamed NOOOOO and began to cry. However, Ana Marie’s “ho hum” reception of the first episode is also why I couldn’t stop after one. (Though, I will say that Kristen Wiig is PERFECTION! I laughed and laughed at her character. er… with? Whatever the good one is.)

“THE FUCK WAS THAT?”

I thought as I waited the 19 seconds for episode two.

“HUH?”

I queried as I waited for episode three.

“I WILL NOT THROW THIS CONTROLLER TO THE GROUND IN ANGER”

I swore as I waited for episode four.

“FUCK”

I thought as I collected the batteries that scattered across my hardwood floor after throwing the controller to the ground in anger, waiting for episode five.

WHY LORD WHY?

Was the reaction before episode six.

OK, this is my absolute last one, I can’t take it anymore was my reaction while I waited for episode seven.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH “scooping mice out of the sea” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT. WAS. AWESOME. IMMA WATCH THAT AGAIN!

Episode seven was the best one.

Then it goes Okay, Bad, Great, Okay, Good, Okay (crying because I thought it was over), Great(ZOMG, Glad they didn’t end on that!), Meh (REALLY??? *THAT’S* what they ended on????)

If you’re a fan of the show, you’re going to watch the new season. And really, unless you’re signing up for Netflix *just* for this (Ed note: DO NOT sign up to Netflix just for this) you’ve already paid for it, so whatever. But there’s no need to watch all fifteen like immediately; though, one a week is wrong too. I’d do four or five, but the first six are not great and will FEEL like you’ve just watched 30 of them. I guess it could have been worse. No, correction, I’m SURE it could have been worse.

Tyler Perry could have written some of them. Or acted in some of them.

Empire State Laid Low

Tuesday, May 28th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

The Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs on Saturday. Furthermore, the Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs exactly one year ago on Saturday as well. Hockey is bullshit.

AWWWWWW

Friday, May 24th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

Hundreds of officers stand-in for five year old’s fallen dad.

I’m gonna try something…

Friday, May 24th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

I was JUST talking about being obsessed with Billy Joel and NOW the NYT magazine has a billion page feature on him in this weekend’s issue.

I’m also obsessed with winning a multi-million dollar lottery drawing.

Also, it’s SO weird how after winning his fourth Superbowl with the Patriots, Tom Brady divorced, moved to Brooklyn and joined the Jewish Community Center Scrabble club.

*waits*

The way of the world

Friday, May 24th, 2013 by Dawn Summers

People work together when it suits them. They’re loyal when it suits them. They love each other when it suits them and they kill each other when it suits them. – Game of Thrones

You start to wonder if you’re ever gonna make it by
You’ll start to think you were born blind
From what I’ve seen
You’re just a one more hand me down
Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need

Did you know…

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013 by Dawn Summers

…countries are just out there crashing stuff into the moon?

#WhyWeCantGetNowhereAsAPlanet