Clareified

Those days are gone forever; I should just let 'em go but…

Worst. Movie. Reviews. Ever.

As I reread these movie reviews, I decided this entire post needed to be prefaced with 1. I’m not working. 2. I was drinking heavily yesterday (I bit into a red scrunchie thinking it was a red velvet cupcake. That sounds bad, but in my defense, I was eating a red velvet cupcake and the scrunchie was on the table next to the plate and was the same shade of red…um… and it was dark…) 3. My focus is not sharp under the best of circumstances, so in light of 1 and 2…uh… good luck and good night.

Argo

I saw this movie three days before the Oscars. I confess, it was a last ditch (hahaha I typed that, then I had the feeling that the expression was actually “last stitch,” which kinda would totally make sense, so I looked it up to make sure… it’s not. It’s ditch. But since google auto filled in my question, apparently LOTS of people also believe last stitch would make sense.) effort to derail the Argo best picture train. I have not seen the winner of best picture, before the awards show, since 2006 (OMG! DRIVING MISS DAISY WON BEST PICTURE???! WHAT IN THE HELL?!! DOES JULIUS GOAT KNOW ABOUT THIS??!) so I was hoping to “Dawn Summers” Argo. It didn’t work. Congratulations Benjamin Affleck. How has he not become the AFLAC spokesman yet? AFFLLACCK. I liked this movie very much. It fills in that gap between historical events that I was too young to understand and not yet covered on the AP American History exam. Pretty much 1978-1983. So, basically Canada and Hollywood saved the world? Or is it Hollywood and Canada? Canallywood? I thought the cast was good; the script takes a turn into eye roll town when the hostages are all “No way! We’re not doing this! I don’t know you, that’s my purse!” Pfft. If I’m sent to help someone and they tell me “nah.” I’m turning right around and going home. Conversely, if someone comes and says “I’m here to help you.” I’m going to be all “Thank God! Get me outta this dump, my DVR is probably at 100% full by now!”

The Letter

I don’t have words for how terrible this movie is, so I’m going to invent some. Flegadfically harminuen unwafaschatable dreft. GRAWESD! Winona Ryder is dislitching unperimsetive …making up words is harder than I thought. But don’t rent this movie, bro. I’m serious. Also, is there an “OHMIGOD I HATE JAMES FRANCO SO FUCKING MUCH” club/twitter or tumblr? I would like to join. This movie is filled with close-ups of his smug shitty face and the perennial hardened spittle crud at the side of his smirky mouth. I HATE HIM! Oh? What’s the movie about? It’s a dream. Or a play. Or a play within a dream about a play or a dream. *throws stapler*

Being Flynn

This movie is also garbage. It starts off promisingly enough … it’s funny, my biggest complaint about it while I was watching was how unbelievable it all was, then the line “based on real events” scrolled by before the credits and I laughed. Listen, if the dude really did start smoking crack at the age of thirty after his dad started living at the homeless shelter where he worked, what can I tell ya. It’s dumb. Robert DeNiro phoned in the performance from a beachfront condo in Maui. And the connection was spotty.

Seven Psychopaths

Sigh. This movie was TERRIBLE. It’s about a struggling screenplay writer who is writing a screenplay called “Seven Psychopaths.” Eye roll. So it’s half “movie” and half “stuff really happening” but all bad. Blech. There are a few funny moments, like when that guy from Pulp Fiction who hid the watch in his ass is talking about the script and says “the women are all terrible. They’re either naked or dumb” Which… you know.

Hit & Run

Yet another dreadfully stupid movie. Veronica Mars should never make movies. Ever. She makes really bad choices. The premise of this movie is that she gets engaged to a dude in the witness protection program, and then gets a job in LA, so he has to leave to program to drive her. BUT FIRST, she’s got to go to her ex-boyfriend’s house to get her teaching certificate! SO HE FOLLOWS THEM, calls the guys the fiancée is hiding from AND THE CHASE IS AFOOT. EYE. ROLL.

Taken 2

Wow. I saw a lot of AWFUL movies this month. Okay, so the people who kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in the first one, are all pissed off that he killed all their sons, brothers, friends and cousins in order to get her back, so… THEY DECIDE TO KIDNAP HER AGAIN! AND HIS WIFE! DUDE. DUUUUUDDDDEEEEEEE. How do you say “worst plan ever” in Farsi? Blargh. It’s very predictable and dumb after that. There is not a single genuine moment in the whole mess. Mercifully, it’s short.

The Words

GOOD LORD. THIS FLICK? ALSO AWFUL. I had to google it to remember what the plot was. It’s Bradley Cooper playing a writer within a novel who finds a novel in an old beat up briefcase and decides to pass it off as his own. Obviously, he becomes a big success and so the actual author finds him… you know, on his break when he’s sitting on a bench in a park. Do people actually go to parks alone to sit on a bench? Does anything good ever come from this? Run. Run far away from anywhere this movie might be shown.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Um… I was expecting much worse considering this is a Coen Brothers movie. But it was actually decent. It helps that they got an actual storyteller to draft the plot, though they do manage to Coen Brothers it up a bit and I have no idea what was going on between them finding the frog and ending up in the movie theater. But it wasn’t unbearable…

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

…which I cannot say for this movie. I decided to try to watch all of Jodie Foster’s movies. She was in this one when she was a kid. I had NO IDEA it was the precursor to Alice the TV show, WHICH I LOVED! However, this movie bears NO relation to the TV show. Alice is played to be AN ANNOYING AS HELL middle aged loser. Her son is a brat. The romantic leads are both dicks. And Mel is a shell of his lovable curmudgeony self. UGH. This movie is awful. Thank God they changed everything for the TV show.

Trouble With the Curve

I wish this movie would have just been video of an empty chair. The plot is dumb, the dialogue is dumb, the characters are dumb and then, just to give you respite from dumb, they throw in racism. Three parts dumb, one part racism, shake vigorously and drink until you pass out, fall down a flight of stairs and die from brain swelling. *throws vase*

Your Sister’s Sister

Hmm. This movie starts off strong, then gets terrible, then ends well. So, I don’t know what to tell you. You’ll be annoyed for a good fifty minutes, but by the end you won’t want to throw anything. It is sort of a romantic comedy, I can say that. Sorta.

One Response to “Worst. Movie. Reviews. Ever.”

  1. Angela Says:

    This is probably my most favoritist (yep I’m making that a word, similar to “funner”) of your movie review posts ever. I hate to encourage excessive drinking but this is some good stuff!

    The red schrunchie snack is pretty amazing. Keep up the good work!

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