My end of the year post last year was so funny and well supplemented with touching and hilarious photos. This year’s post should be ashamed! (Have I sufficiently lowered the expectations bar? Excellent.)
I should also note that these year-end posts are strictly for entertainment purposes only, they are in no way intended to hurt any feelings. In fact, if they hurt your feelings, that hurts my feelings because it implies that I don’t know how to intentionally hurt feelings AND I DO SO. I know how to hurt feelings LIKE A BOSS! I’m just also old and I forget things. Okay, all the housekeeping stuff out of the way…
2012! Armageddon year… you have (as of this writing) 14 hours to make good on your end of the world promises. Though, I expected you to be all world endy before I had to write this post, that’s why I didn’t even prepare anything… NOT TO MENTION ALL THE BILLS I WRACKED UP! Stoopid fake armageddon year.
Gosh, the new year kicked off, as so many of the recent ones have, with champagne on Kaz and Tito’s fancy rooftop. It got super sad pretty quickly with the news that my friend had died years ago and then February brought another Patriots Superbowl loss.
But, as I reminded myself by reading last year’s post, that sucks less than “one and done.” February also brought another awesome @Vinnay catered Black History Month meal– best tradition ever! Thanks to @ugarles, Sidney, Zinester, Patrina, Cider Fraud, Pdov and Mary for making the night of werewolf role playing a success and to Vinnay, of course, for thinking of it! I love Obama’s America SO MUCH.
In April, I got to participate in @thisisnotapril and @jnassi’s wedding and they had one of the most fun activities at a wedding: the photobooth! (My cousin got married in December and he had one too! Such a great idea!) Also, the @notaprilnassi’s had hands down the best “Shout” DJ I’ve ever experienced. It was totally a little bit softer and then a little bit louder! HUZZAH!
In May, I got an awesome visit from the Gibs and their adorable little boy Xander, who is a brilliant genius who taught me that walking across the Brooklyn Bridge is malarkey. I had always had a sneaking suspicion that it was malarkey, but Xander proved it beyond any doubt and that is why “walking across the Brooklyn Bridge is malarkey” shall forever be known as the Xander rule. (< --- Dawn totally cleaned up the language in that entry because she is a good role model for all children everywhere.) In June, the Rangers caused me to nearly die from a heart attack on seventeen different occasions. But I loved every second of their chase for Lord Stanley's beverage holder, though they would not have stood much of a chance against @joespeaker's magic LA Kings baby. Yo, seriously, don't mess with that baby. July kicked SO MUCH ASS! I had the best birthday ever like... WHOA! Extra extra extra special props to Fisch, Dawn 2, Alceste and Mary for spending the actual day with me even though I was lame and didn't have a party and had to go to bed early because I had to be up in the morning for work. And THANKS to everyone who left me Happy Birthday greetings on my Facebook wall. *clears throat* *GLARES AT VINnAY* (See? LIKE A BOSS) August was, of course, Toronto Birthday because umm... Metric System? Thanks to Mary and @Petitedov for making the trip up with me, especially Petitedov for doing all the driving, even though my German navigation system tried to kill her because she is Jewish. Listen, no car is perfect. @Astinto and M -- once again easily take Clareified's International Person(s) of Year honors. I would regale you with tales of how they took us to fancy musuems and hosted the bestest Scene It Olympics EVER and made swiss cheese omelets with extra swiss cheese, but then other people will want to have Toronto birthdays and then their Toronto Birthday schedule will be all filled up and I won't get another Toronto Birthday until 2015 and that would be unacceptable. I enjoy saying Toronto Birthday. So... no Toronto Birthdays for the rest of you, it's terrible and they will lose you in Krispy Kreme and drink all the white wine before giving you any. OH! But the Blue Jays game was AWESOME! And since that's where all the Metseses that I recognize, play now, I hope they'll let me come back to visit them.... even though we broke their toilet. (._.) And Vinnay and Petitedov were evil government spies who destroyed all our efforts to bring democracy to the people. LOL! Such a fun trip! I mean terrible. TERRIBLE. GET AWAY! *makes hissing sound* Okay, so after Toronto Birthday, I had this whole plan to get in shape and train for Mastadon weekend, I tweeted about my plans and @GRANGE95 GOT ME AN AWESOME NIKE TRAINING WATCH! I didn't actually make it to Mastadon, but I actually started running like outside... with trees... and air. IN THE MORNING. And I put my training watch on every morning before I'd go and curse out Grange in my head cause... did I mention the morning and outside part? Jerk. Really really sweet jerk. WHO NEEDS TO COME TO NEW YORK. (I promise not to throw staplers at you.) (I promise to not throw staplers at you too hard. There. That's better. I don't want to be a lying liar.) Hmmm... so now where are we? October? Was that Hurricane Sandy? Thanks to Dawn 2 and Alceste and Pi and Alex for getting me to leave the house again. The part of Brooklyn where I live wasn't that hard hit or anything, but all the news reports TERRIFIED the HECK out of me and I'd decided to never leave home again. And then Pi sent me pictures of 18 months old Alex trick or treating and pointing at me and laughing. Rude. Also, Alceste finally taught me how to play Madden. This is how he taught me "Okay, Dawn, you pick your team AND whatever team you want me to play as, I will close my eyes and use only one hand." That was the game where the Kansas City Chiefs beat the Green Bay Packers 142- 7. Whatever, I still celebrated my touchdown by spiking the controller! Alceste is the worst person in the world. November brought the #ButtFumble and seriously, I have to thank the New Jersey Jets for giving me one of the greatest football seasons at which to point and laugh. They made my Thanksgiving a glorious one. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Oh and I went back to the Buckingham game for the first time all year and got to hang out with @kearnsj and watch @petitedov swindle everyone with her "oh, I don't know what I'm doing" routine on her way to taking everyone's money. #RRUUUUUDDDDDEEEEEE But that's okay, now that President Obama has been reelected Kearns and I will be getting loads of free stuff! Oh, and Vinny too!! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Thanks 53% of America! And thusly, we reacheth December... AND the MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR *drumroll please* Clareified Person(s) of the Year was pretty easy to decide this year (though, it's not a real thing and I just call it that for fun. I cherish and adore you all equally... except VinNay, he is cherised and adored only sixty-four percent as much as the rest of you). Laura and Vero! Who brought me the gift of something Tom Brady has touched! Plus, they totally let me crash their Miami vacation, so I got to see the New England Patriots win their division again IN PERSON!! (The second seed New England Patriots, who swept their division and are KINGS OF NEW ENGLAND, BTW!) I also ran into Bad Blood and his dad at the game!! I had an awesome time in Miami, Laura's family was wicked awesome and took us to Miami stadium (um... it has a name something fruity... like Orange OH SUNLIFE!) Her cousin is a huge New England fan and his car was all decked out with Riots decals. They set up a tailgate with an actual gas grill and made us hot dogs and hamburgers AND THEN WE THREW THE PIGSKIN AROUND LIKE KENNEDYS!!! GOSH DARNED KENNEDYS!!!!!! (My spiral is pretty good AND I caught Laura's passes too!) SOOOOOOO FFFFUUUNNNNNNNNNN. I also got to hang out with them in New York when they brought their nieces and nephews east for college tripping -- and we went up on the High Line thingy that I'd heard so much about. I'm totally making them throw me a surprise Los Angeles birthday pool party next year!! They are cruel, trash talking hilarious women, which is pretty much the definition of my kind of people. BUT FOR THE LAST TIME....I AM NOT WHITE! *bites into rice krispie treat
To all my readers, commenters, lurkers, favorite players, my twitter followers and twitter followed, I hope this year treated you well and hope next year treats you better and you catch ten times more touchdown passes in the next two months -okay, that last part is a tad specific.
To those I don’t see or talk to as much as I used to: “Hope it’s nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day and something reminds you…”
Here’s to 2012 and may it bring more laughter and love for all!
Peace ‘n’ Chickengrease