Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for October, 2012

So…um…

Sunday, October 14th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

The New England Patriots have the same record as the Dolphins. And the Bills. I’ll be in a dark corner sucking my thumb for six and a half days.

LOL #FULLTILT

Thursday, October 11th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Dear dawnsummers,

As a player on Full Tilt Poker, you may be aware of the recent settlement reached with the U.S. Department of Justice (the “DOJ”).

Full Tilt Poker will not offer real money online poker in the U.S. until it is permissible to do so under relevant law.

In relation to your account balance, you will have the opportunity to file petition with the DOJ through a remission process which will be administrated by the DOJ.

In light of the above, only play chip games will be available to Full Tilt Poker players in the U.S. following re-launch, in the first week of November, 2012. Your Full Tilt Points balance will remain intact in your account.

Please note that we are unable to answer queries in relation to your funds – all such questions should be directed to the DOJ in accordance with the procedure to be defined by them.

Please retain this email for your records.

Sincerely,

Full Tilt Poker

Dog eats little girl’s face

Thursday, October 11th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

For real.

I almost missed Taylor Tuesday!

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

So what happened was…

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

So, in the first month of this crazy work schedule, I was spending a fortune on coffee because my employer stocks something called “ground swill” in the breakroom. As I began to realize that all the benefits of working 90 hour weeks were being swallowed down my gullett, I decided to figure out how to make my own delicious coffee at work.

It took about a week and a half before my system paid for itself, but I did IT!

My coffee was gourmet, delicious and perfect!

THEN I discovered that amazon was selling a six pack of my fancy coffee, which worked out to about half the prices at the grocery store. THEN I discovered if I signed up to this “subscribe and save” thing amazon offers on grocery products, my gourmet coffee would be .50 cheaper… PER CAN! FIFTY CENTS!

All of this was wonderful and amazing, I was SOOOOO proud of myself… because, well, I’ve learned to set only the lowest of goals for myself. A few days went by and no coffee. A week. Still no coffee. THE HELL AMAZON??!?!

I logged in, and to my HORROR, discovered that when you subscribe and save, they make you wait a month for the first shipment!

My current can was about three quarters full, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I could cancel the subscribe and save, and neither subscribe nor save, but get my damn coffee in two days or… I could stretch out my supply for three and a half weeks!

This was a week ago. My can is currently less than a quarter full. But I can’t give up my subscription savings now! I only have two and half weeks to go.

So, I’ve started choking down the ground swill. I decided Monday-Wednesday would be gross coffee and then Thursday and Friday would be good coffee for as long as it lasts and then I’d just have to drink swill till my shipment arrived.

It all seems logical except for the part where I have to drink the very swill I had been trying to avoid from the very beginning!

It’s so hard being me.

Next up: Rover spots remnants of the statue of liberty

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I’m just saying… Mars used to be warmer AND WETTER! What planet does that sound like?!

Well, that’s some creative lawyering

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Sandusky plans to appeal conviction on the grounds that there was just too much evidence for him to be able to refute it all.

L to the Oh L.

By which, I mean, of course, fuck that dude.

Not so random thought

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

You know how people think cat ladies are crazy cause they have thirty cats living in her house? That’s what I think about anyone who has any cats at all… or dogs…

Or fish.

Yeah, I used to think fish were okay, but when I was in Toronto, some koi escaped from their pond and tried to suck my face.

Fish are OUT!

*whistles*

The trenches

Monday, October 8th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I just finished reading “A Visit from the Goon Squad.” It’s by Jennifer Egan and it’s great. I also really liked Erik Larson’s “Devil in the White City.” I don’t write book reviews, so that’s all I’ve to say about that.

Work has completely comsumed my life — I work seven days a week for fifteen or so hours. Thankfully, my job is very easy and supervision is lax or else, I might cry. I came in yesterday — Sunday for those of you who have Columbus Day off as a “holiday.”

Holiday… “Holl-E-Day”?

That’s a funny word. (Just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean I’m not delirious.)

The easy job I have now is very close to the first lawyer job I ever had in New York City. And yesterday, after four hours of doing my mind numbingly repititious task, I decided to go to church. It’s one I found about 10 years ago, at the very tip of Manhattan island, almost parallel to the Statue of Liberty, which, thanks to Dr. Who, I now imagine roaming the streets of lower Manhattan killing people… and snarling. Thanks A LOT STEVEN L MOFFAT — IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME! (It’s probably not. I certainly made up the L part.)

Anyway, the church…. I’d passed it a million times on my way to grab a quick lunch or walk around in Battery Park City. Then, sometime during the fall of 2002 or 2003… I was working with a pretty unreasonable dickbag associate on a cumbersome SEC investigation. We were working around the clock every day, and one Saturday night, I left my office, crossed the street and found the information I needed.

The next morning, as dickbag was barking out his orders, I very calmly told him, I was happy to do whatever he needed, but I’d be going to church from 11 to twelve. I silently added “suck it.” For the duration of that project, I went to church EVERY Sunday. He had taken to including asides like “blah blah blah, can wait till 1 because I guess Dawn has to go to church again.”

I’d smile. And silently add “suck it,” in reply.

I liked the little church at the tip of the island. It was a simple one story, white chapel with a cross on top, not unlike the school building in Little House on the Prarie. Masses there were de minimis lighting fast ceremonies. Most of the parishioners had lanyards with company ID cards around their necks.

I remember the priest noting that, one morning, with a sigh. “So much for taking the Sabbath to rest,” he’d said, “but then, I guess you wouldn’t be here with me today,” he added with a weak laugh. We’d be done in little more than half an hour and I’d dilly dally watching ferries or whatever for the remainder of the hour before returning to the dickbag’s iron fisted rule.

I walked to the church, yesterday, figuring we could quickly knock out our holy obligations… I get paid by the hour now, so dilly dallying is no longer preferred. But the church had changed dramatically. Not the infrastructure… that remains Prarie-esque. But the pews were filled with families and instead of one celebrant, there’s a triumverate of priests and an organist and lectors. Good grief — it’s like church church.

I sighed, but thought, at least, it’s a week off from my usual experience of Father Annotation. (This dude has to explain what the upcoming reading will be about: “You’ll hear how Job’s faith was tested by the blah blah blah blah…. *four minutes later* okay, and now the passage from Job… Lisa?” Lisa reads. Father annotation THEN tells us what we just heard! “See how Job’s faith was tested in the reading blah blah blah blah blah blah?” He does this before and after each reading AND THEN AGAIN for the gospel. That he does it for the gospel is particularly annoying because HE ALSO GETS A HOMILY! #CatholicPeopleProblems

So, while, I’d be in for an hour of church church at least it wouldn’t be *annoying* church.

WRONG.

THIS guy was like Father Annotation WITH AN ART HISTORY Masters degree. He blah blah blahed WITH historical examples and pretentious French phrases! HE WOULD NOT STOP TALKING. Oh and then he changed that week’s Gospel reading JUST BECAUSE.

And then a four year old went rogue and started running up and down the aisles and he used the escape as an excuse to launch into a lecture about the hypnotic effect of church’s tiling.

GOOD. GRIEF.

I left after 75 minutes… right in the middle of his “Oh, tomorrow is Columbus Day, that reminds me…” bit.

It was pouring when I left, but seeing as I had no umbrella, I ducked into a Starbucks and ordered some coffee.

I took a sip, walked over to the window and waited.

Notable Quotables

Friday, October 5th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there’s salvation in life. Even if you can’t get together with that person. -1Q84