Get it? Cause his name is Lance and… needles…doping…eh? EH? EH?
Yeah, so I was all mad at first that they took away his titles even though there was no proof he’d doped. Then, they released two trillion tons of documents which seem to suggest that there was no proof because he was hiding in the basement while the dope testing investigators rang the doorbell. So, I suppose, reasonable minds could possibly concur that he was a doper. I, for one, hope he never admits it though — I find people like Pete Rose and Mark McGwire infinitely more contemtible because of their faux eleventh hour mea culpas. Cheating is bad blah blah blah, but tearful confessions are worse and they make me stabby.
So, stand strong (or stand livestrong, ha ha ha) Lance Armstrong:
The UCI’s decision was more than ceremonial, as the organization was the only one with the power to formally strip Armstrong of his Tour titles. And while Armstrong is likely to continue to profess his innocence — his legendary oversized ego barring him from admitting guilt until someone can produce a picture of him ascending the Alpe d’Huez with an IV bag full of tiger blood dangling from his femoral artery — his adamant denials are no longer enough to protect him. With his victories wiped clean from the record books, race organizers and former sponsors can now begin the process of recovering payments previously made to Armstrong for winning those events.
For illustrative purposes, let’s look to Armstrong’s most notable achievement: his consecutive Tour titles spanning from 1999 to 2005. During this run of dominance, Armstrong received bonuses from Tour officials for each stage win, each day he wore the leader’s yellow jersey, and of course, each overall victory. These payments are rumored to have totaled nearly $5 million over the seven-year period.
Armstrong’s compensation wasn’t limited to race winnings, however. The U.S. Postal Service, Armstrong’s team sponsor during each of his tour victories, paid Armstrong over $12 million in performance bonuses during that span. Particularly worthy of note was a $5 million reward the USPS agreed to pay Armstrong upon winning his fifth consecutive title in 2004. The payment was covered by an insurance policy the Postal Service had taken out with SCA Promotions, who initially balked at paying the bonus amidst rumors that Armstrong’s victories had been fueled by drug use. The case eventually went to arbitration, where SCA was forced to pay $7.5 million to Armstrong, representing the original $5 million bonus and $2.5 million in interest and attorney fees.
Also, where can we go to discuss the post office spending millions of dollars on Tour de France bonuses and sponsorship? Could this be why they are currently in default on ALL their obligations? Idjits.