Let me see, August 28th… hmm. Yeah, that should do it. I doubt any birthdayey stuff will happen a month and twenty days past my birthday, right?
Indeed, all appears most unbirthdayey.
So, I can lazily write up the end of my most whirlwind birthday season yet! (Plus, I can’t have Smarty Pants showing me up on my own blog with fancy trip reports and stuff! *GASP*)
TOM BRADY! HELMET! SIIIIIGNED!
At one point, on my actually actual birthday, Fisch and I were re-rolling the Brady fathead he got me and I was all “wooowww” and I realized I had said it out loud and he was looking at me, so I quickly added “this fathead is so cool!” And he accusingly goes “Liar! You weren’t wowing about the fathead! You’re cheating on my gift with the helmet!” And then he sewed a scarlet A on my t-shirt and threw stones.
But anyway, lots of equally as awesome as Fisch’s fathead stuff happened.
I had a surprise birthday party just for me in Toronto!
That’s right, no stoopid Chinese Pete and @Vinnay flags mucking up my personal surprise cake and perfectly delicious exactly how I like it vanilla birthday ice cream! But let me rewind a bit…
The way I remember it 1, At Astinto and M were totally like, hey, you should come to Toronto and hang out for a few days in August! And I was all “no, I don’t want to intrude, you guys were already SO nice and made me a cake last year and took me to hockey musuems.”
But they were all “It’s not an intrusion at all. You must come! If you don’t, we will cry.”
Naturally, being the great humanitarian that I am, I could not stand to be the cause of such suffering, so I agreed to come to Toronto and be fed, and hydrated and celebrated with baseball games and cakes. No, no…stop with all the praise, it’s the least I could do, especially considering how terribly Canada was doing in the Olympics!
Mary, who suspiciously didn’t travel abroad with me AT ALL last year, and @petitedov made the trip up with me. We were supposed to spend a couple of days in Buffalo hanging out with @VinNay, but he was too busy with work. And by work, of course, I mean booze and hookers. Instead, he took us out for a quick dinner and fireworks on his catamaran. Our waitress had tattoo of the map of Buffalo on her arm. I asked to see it and she proudly held out her arm and rotated it, so I could see the full effect of her geographic pride snaking around her arm. I admired it, but also thought, as much as I love Brooklyn — and I do LOVE Brooklyn — the only way I’d have a map of Brooklyn inked into my skin is if there were also a telltale X which corresponded to hidden treasure at its real life location.
After fireworks and boating in Buffalo, we hit the road again to our real destination in Canadia. This involved getting across the border and THAT, in turn, involved getting out of Buffalo. VinNay offered to show us “the fast way” out of Buffalo.
Yeah… so an hour and a half later, we’re still following him through the backroads of Western New York when we finally see a sign with a pointing arrow with the word Canada on it. Mary goes: TURN THERE!
So, I do.
Because Mary clearly has implanted an obey chip in my head.
I have now turned the wrong way down a one way street. Also, who’s got two thumbs and is not the best at three point turns? #ThisGuy *headdesk*
“WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN BUFFALO JUST LIKE PRESIDENT MCKINLEY!” I screamed, demonstrating not only my vast knowledge of American history, but also that coolheadness under pressure that my people are known for throughout the world.
After surviving that brush with death, we had to face the Canadian border patrol. We were on line for what seemed like forever, before the little man in the booth started barking questions at us.
“Where are you going?”
To do your mom.
“To see a Yankees game.”
“When are you leaving?”
When your hair grows back.
He peered inside the car and handed back our passports.
To the Queensroad!
I set the cruise control so I wouldn’t constantly have to remember that 100 kph wasn’t 100 mph. We still made it to At Astinto’s in about an hour. Our beds were already made up for us and there were steaming cups of hot cocoa waiting and mints on our pillows. Plus, they read us all stories. It’s my favorite place to stay in Toronto!
And while we slept, Astin was preparing chicken in the kitchen, while M did secret cake things. I was not allowed in the refrigerator.
We got up early the next morning for our trip to the Islands, our awesome hosts were all “hey, would you like a western omelet for breakfast, Dawn?” And I, wide eyed with awe, said “OH MY GOSH!! I WOULD *TOTALLY* LIKE A WESTERN OMELET! HOW ON EARTH —“
But seriously, the ham was diced in little ham pieces and M made home fries that were really good. I NEVER EAT home fries!
Yeah, I’m pretty much moving to Canadia now.
Our islands trip got rained out, so we ended up taking a tour of the Toronto underground and going to the limited time only Picasso exhibit at the Art Gallery of Ontario. Know what I learned? Jesus almighty in heaven, Picasso was a whore!
Astin and M took us to the members lounge for tea and crumpets — but there were no tables large enough to accommodate five people. Well, there was, but one lady decided to sit there. Alone. And refused to relent even when faced with my steely eyed glare. We moved two extra chairs to a three person table, but the surly waiter yelled at us and then refused to serve us. So we left. If @atthisisnotapril had been with me, oh boy would the floor of that place been strewn with condiments. STREWN!
M wanted to take us to a cute little pastry place across the street, but it was jam packed, so we walked to another cute place a few blocks up — passing a Krispy Kreme along the way!
“KRISPY KREME!” I shouted, with an enthusiasm not once shown during the three hours spent perusing seven decades of the manwhore’s greatest masterpieces. #whyIcantgetnowhereasaperson
No one else seemed as enthused, so we kept walking to the other pastry place. We ordered lattes and baked goods and sat down to chat about floating film festivals and pizza ovens shipped from Italy and all the while I heard: “DDAAAWWWWNN… DDDDAAWWWWNNNNN…DDAAWWWWWNNN” humming in my ear.
I looked around and couldn’t see who was calling me. So I went to the entrance and looked outside. Then I walked to the corner. Then I walked down the block. And finally, as I was standing outside the Krispy Kreme store, I realized it was a glazed donut calling me! This would later be referred to as the time Dawn ran away from tea without telling anyone. But in my defense, IT WAS THE DONUTS’ FAULT! See, and I KNOW @VinNay is going to seize upon this episode as evidence that he didn’t lose me in a grocery store, I just wandered off and lost myself, but THAT IS FALSE! HE LOST *ME*! AND BROKE HIS OWN TV! HHMMPPHH. #RACES
Anyway, the donuts returned me safely back to the coffee shop. Everyone was very worried, except Astin who had figured it all out. I assume it’s his years of Simpsons watching which gave him the insight into the power of donuts.
We went back to the Homestead and preparations began for my surprise birthday dinner! They prepared many of my favorite foods… almost as if I had requested the whole meal in advance! Petitedov kept requesting weird cocktails and then, as is the Russian custom, if she didn’t like it, she’d throw the glass to the floor and yell “Hasta La Vista!” It was quite disconcerting.
All I wanted was white wine, but M kept handing me empty glasses. She gave me like four empty glasses in twenty minutes and by then, someone else had drank the whole bottle. I was very sad. But I can’t complain, the rest of the evening was SO FUN! We played like four different versions of Scene It — I brought up the Simpsons version that Fisch gave me last year and M owns many of the others — Mary was my partner. M and @petitedov were partners and Astin paired with @VinNay, who had driven up from Buffalo that afternoon.
There was Simpsons Scene It and TV Scene It — which I clearly had been training for my whole life; there was Movies Scene It which I have only been training for for like six years, so M won that one and I think Music scene it, which I didn’t stand a chance at — now, Taylor Swift Scene It? Bring it on!
Dinner was AH-MAH-ZING! They even had the hot sauce I liked and Astin let me make my own seltzer! THEY MAKE THEIR OWN SELTZER! The corn was kind of vindictive though and tried to blind me. I ate it extra viciously after that.
After dinner — I was all blindfoldededed and the cake was brought out — DDUUUUUUDUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEE:
IT’S ME! AS THE COMPANION ON THE TARDIS!! DUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
HOW AWESOME IS THIS CAKE! @VinNay was SOOOOOO JJEEAALLLOOUUUSSSSSSS. He tried to cut me out of the cake and eat me so he could pretend he was the Companion! But he wasn’t! IT WAS MEEEEE!!!
Petitedov was also totally jealous and kept trying to steal Astin and M away by “helping to clean up” and “doing the dishes” and not “running from the cat screaming ‘bad dog’.”
I don’t really remember much more about that night — but a sensation lingers that VinNay and Petitedov are the worst people in all the world and I hate them.
And because I’m the only person in Cristendom who hates fresh squeezed orange juice and real maple syrup, he offered to make me fake syrup from scratch!
How awesome is he? Wait… what am I doing? All this praise and every American will want to have their Canada birthday in Toronto and they’ll be booked for years in advance and next thing you know I won’t get to have Canada birthday for another ten years!
I take it back! Toronto was not awesome! There are cat dogs! And they eat their owners’ faces:
And the cat tried to steal my ipad and eat my ice cream. I saved the ice cream. #ThisiswhyIcanthavenicethings
After having pancakes and leftover fried chicken (sorry, President Obama) for breakfast. They took us out to the ballgame.
The Toronto Maple Jays were battling the New York Stinkees in a game of pitch and toss.
After that it was up to me!
Derek Jeter came up to bat and I booed him and called him Derek Jester! He struck out.
Then Nick Swisher, “More like Nick Squished-er!” Oh yeah, I came up with that ON THE SPOT, Y’all!
We were sitting next to these Yankees fans who had driven up from Buffalo, but by the third inning, they had run off crying!
The Jays had built up a six run lead, so I figured I could relax with a few glasses of wine — the Yankees started to battle back in the seventh and with the lead down to two, I started to worry. Thankfully, the Jays held on and got the win! I was high fiving everyone.
I was wearing my Santana jersey, with a Mets t-shitr underneath, when one guy was all “Mets? Are you lost?”
I laughed and said “No, it’s an anti-Yankees statement.”
We high fived and then his friend was all “the Mets are kinda like the Clippers, aren’t they?”
I glared and said “HEY!”
And then Astin was all “Dawn… do not get into a fight with them. They have free health care and nothing to lose.”
After the game, Canada birthday was pretty much over. We took a trolley ride and went to a brewery that didn’t make beer — and then we headed back to America. We picked Vinnay up for dinner. He promised the best Mexican food in the world and all the sangria I could drink. But when we got there, the restaurant was closed. So, we went back and played his dog in no limit hold em for treats and water.
We did not win. And the dog took our pillows.
We did a tour of Buffalo architecture the next day and I spent the afternoon defending the honor of Thomas Edison against the slander of a bunch of Tesla hooligans. (We ended up going to the Mexican place for lunch and I said to the guy at the counter: Edison or Tesla? He replied Edison, so I borrowed a dollar from Vinny and tipped him with it. Then I laughed cause Vinny is NEVER getting that dollar back. HAHAHAHAHA) Aww, Vinny also unveiled the his keyboard rendition of “Clair de Lune” since I’d never heard it before. He worked on it FOR MONTHS! MONTHS! And only made like one mistake! YAY!
We also took a tour of some house that Frank Lloyd Wright designed for some rich people.
Know what I learned? Frank Lloyd Wright was a hack. Also, I despise conservation. They should level that house and build a Krispy Kreme. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. They should build a casino.
1. Any versions of the story which involve me saying “So when’s Canada birthday this year? And I have to stay over because I didn’t get to eat nearly enough of my cake last year” are patently false. And untrue. Also, lies.