Clareified

Where does the good go

Clare de June

Ha!

I had a weird science teacher in eighth grade who used to insist on calling me Clare de loon. No idea why or why I just thought of that… but there it is.

Other random fact about that dude, no two random facts, he used to always point to that Dove soap commercial that said “99 percent pure” and ask “pure what?” That totally blew 12-year-old my mind. Then, in teaching us about how airplanes stay in flight, he used to say: imagine monsters jumping out the back and as they pushed themselves off, they were, at the same time, pushing the plane forward. I’m not kidding. He would draw chalk planes and chalk monsters with arrows indicating that they were jumping out the back. The monsters had big hairy feet. That totally made me scared of airplanes and, frankly, monsters.

Anyway, so movies. All I do these days is watch movies and read A Song of Fire and Ice books. So, in the spirit of both those things, here is the longest movie review in
history. Ready? Okay.

As you know, in preparation for the premiere of Prometheus, I decided to watch all the Alien movies and, by extension, all the Predator movies:

Alien v. Predator WAS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER MADE! Wait, wait, I know what you’re thinking “but what about The Godfather or Gone with the Wind?” Those movies are PUKE compared to Alien v. Predator. First, there are ALIENS. Second, there are Predators. AND JUST WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO BURST FROM THE AWESOMENESS OF THAT: THEY FIGHT EACH OTHER!!!! Sorry, I fainted for a second there. Also, Alien v. Predator has the way most kickass ending EVER. Plus, a black woman is the hero, so… #races

Aliens v. Predator 2 on the other hand…groan, I don’t even remember the plot or the setting, I tried to look it up, but my computer crashed and I’m taking that as a sign. If your movie is not memorable, when you have such awesome elements to work with, you fail.

Similarly, Predators, the sequel to Predator 2, was BORRIBLE. No typo. Horrible with a b. BBBOOORRRIIIBBBLLLEE. I don’t know why Adrien Brody was in this damn movie, doesn’t he have an Oscar? Nor do I know why Topher Grace was in this movie, doesn’t he have a shitton of syndication money?? Arrrgghhh SOOOO BAD. It takes place on some planet where the humans have been zapped to in order to prove their predatoriness against the best predators in the universe. Snooze.

So, now we come to the movie I did this all for: Prometheus. First off, I did something I try not to do, I read a review of this movie before I sat down to write this and it was so spot on, I just want to steal everything that guy said. Instead, I’ll link to it. I didn’t think the movie was bad when I saw it, it wasn’t great (WAY BETTER THAN ALIENS) but after reading that review, I can’t saw anything good about the movie now. There is no need to spend money in a movie theater on this. I saw it in IMAX 3D, though, so I guess that was cool. But the story is MEH. The characters are retarded and well, just click that link. Meh.

While I was at the movie theater…

Read the whole thing

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