Clareified

Where does the good go

A Las Vegas wedding minus the Elvis impersonator

It’s super late, but a huge Clareified congratulations to @thisisnotapril and @jnassi on their mega super fantastic amazeballs wedding.

I had so so so much fun. April looked absolutely gorgeous (OMG! You’re a pretty Kardashian!)

Jason was also very dapper.

Their families were also SO nice! I just can’t with how cute everyone was.

I want to tell a bunch of stories, but what happens in Vegas… um… er… who are we kidding?

The wedding was held in a phat mansion in the middle of the Las Vegas desert and there was a pool. Big thanks to Maid of Honor @bettyunderground for stopping me at the point in the evening when I thought swimming in said pool was an awesome idea.

In my defense (I LOVE defending myself) I was one of the first people at the open bar and I didn’t have change, so I tipped the bartender really well for my white wine. So, he gave me another at the same time. And then when I came back to bring back one of the glasses so it didn’t look like I was double fisting, he gave me another. Of course, I had to drink that one really fast, otherwise, again with the double fisting. I went in search of some food at that point…and that’s when I saw the glimmering inviting blue pool. “IT MATCHES MY DRESS! LET’S GO SWIMMING!”

See?? So not fault!

Anyway, after my fancy swimming was all thwarted, I went back to the bar because I figured I needed some water. It was a totally different bartender, so I waited in line. There were three people ahead of me and I was concentrating real hard on staying upright. Water. Water. Water. Water.

One person in front now.

Water would soon be mine.

Of course, when that dude steps away with his beverage in hand, the original bartender is magically back and handing me a glass of wine. This is what a wedding with Jesus must have been like back in the day.

Fueled by pure alcohol, at this point, I danced and danced and laughed the whole night. Seriously, what a kick ass party. I did a mean shimmy to Hava Nagilah Hava! And almost limboed during the “a little bit softer now…Shout!…a little bit softer now… Shout!” dance. April even jumped off the chair during the lifting up of the bride and groom on the chairs part. She then did a back flip and stuck the landing. Even the Chinese judge gave her a 9.9!

I cannot say even about how cute her bridesmaids were too.


There was “Inappropriate Bridesmaid” @brandius who tried to pick up German tourists for us and whose job it was to be elevator bouncer. And Texas belle bridesmaid Kat, who did everyone’s makeup and brought enough double sided tape to hide bra straps for two weddings and of course, cute as a button bridesmaid, Hala, who didn’t threaten to punch me in the face even though I kept saying her name as “Hoolllaaaa” and doing the raise the roof arms.
This is probably why I don’t get invited to any of the dinners F-train and Kaz have all the time.
Last, but certainly, not least was the gay bff bridesmaid, Joel. Who even got his pedicure in the bridal colors. He was totally funny and sweet. Usually, I am super shy around strangers and tend to silently drink the night away in a corner somewhere, but everyone was so funny, with just the right amount of wicked that I totally felt like I fit in.

Plus, when you almost die in a van on a Las Vegas highway with people, you bond.
Seriously. I almost died in a van. Down by the desert.

And then there was me, I was watching-the-Rangers-game-responsibility-shirking bridesmaid. I am the worst.

Maybe that’s why I don’t get invited to dinners with F-train and Kaz.

I stayed at the Imperial Palace (The Imperial Palace is neither imperial, nor a palace: discuss.) It was next to O’Shea’s, which was being torn down that weekend. In anticipation of its destruction, they were doling out free shots every hour on the hour, so the sidewalk outside my hotel smelled of vomit vomit and dried vomit. When I got home, I basically, dumped all my regular clothes into a washer and sent the fancy clothes to the dry cleaners.

Yesterday, I had this awesome conversation with the dry cleaners:

Me: Um… where are my clothes that I dropped off a week ago for next day cleaning?

Lady: Well… we think maybe someone take. We hope they bring back.

Me: You lost my clothes?

Lady: Clothes not lost. Someone take maybe. We wait. See if they bring back maybe.

Me: So, do you know who took them?

Lady: No. Someone. Maybe.

O_O
RIP to all my puhrty dresses:

image

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don’t have nice things.

Huh. Maybe That’s why I don’t get invited to dinners with F-train and Kaz!

4 Responses to “A Las Vegas wedding minus the Elvis impersonator”

  1. kaz Says:

    hahaha you don’t get invited because you don’t reply to my text messages! OK, it’s been a while, but still! :)

  2. F-Train Says:

    Oh snap.

  3. April Says:

    Why don’t you post the phone number of the offending cleaners and we can all call them every hour asking where your stuff is? Or, just mention that you’re a lawyer and really need these dresses. For court. Where you represent people who have had items stolen by dry cleaners.

  4. Las Vegas Impersonators Says:

    If you are looking forward for the Celebrity Impersonator in Las Vegas you should check with “A to Z Events”. A to Z events presenting Elvis Impersonator Las Vegas, Marilyn Monroe, Dolly Parton, and Shania Twain etc.

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