I don’t know why the powers that be would pair Taylor Swift and Zac Efron in a movie, but NOT have them sing and dance and be awesome WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! No, I’ve gotta settle for voiceover Zac and Taylor! And let me tell you: I WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! Although, they did spare me having to look at Ed Helms’ stupid face, so thank heaven for small mercies. This movie is dreadful. The Lorax is a manipulative, homicidal psychopathic cult leader. I’m not even kidding. Not one bit. Unless… No. Unless nothing, this movie sucked it.
Kung Fu Panda 2
Cute movie. Though I don’t recall leaving Kung Fu Panda having all that many unanswered questions. Or any at all. But, they have a new bad guy threatening China. Can the kung Fu Panda rise to the challenge? Yes. Yes he can. Obama ’12. What? That’s what the movie is about, isn’t it? A black and white hero who saves a nation from evil? Well, that was MY takeaway. You guys can suck it. Hmm… dear Obama campaign, feel free to use that as the new slogan “You guys can suck it.”
21 Jump Street
I totally thought I was going to hate this movie because I usually hate movies with that used-to-be-fat-and-now-he’s-less-fat-dude. But the movie is actually sharp and funny (though it did hit an insufferably long boring patch in the middle). The ending is AMAZING especially if you remember watching the 21 Jump Street TV show as a tween.
HAHAHAHHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Okay, let me give you the plot of this movie: two twenty-something hipsters decide to adopt a three legged cat. They are told to come pick the cat up in thirty days. On their way home they realize “OH MY GOD! IN *THIRTY DAYS* WE’RE GOING TO BE CAT OWNERS!” The rest of the movie is how they decide to spend their last days of life before the cat comes, as, I assume, they realize that the cat will eat their faces on Day 31. And, I can’t lie, I would sorta be rooting for the cat. Do not, under ANY circumstances, see this movie. I’m also gonna go ahead and hashtag this film #whitepeopleproblems
Sigh. I may have to break up with Ryan Reynolds. Two utterly unwatchable movies in a row AND HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO PUNCH DENZEL WASHINGTON IN THE FACE?? ##RRRRAAYYYYCCCEEESSSSS Bleeeccchhh. This predictable and formulaic movie about a rogue spy and a rookie spy whose worlds collide in South Africa is a snoozefest.
The Ides of March
It’s okay that I’m breaking up with Ryan Reynolds because I am ALL IN on Ryan Gosling! HE IS GREAT IN EVERYTHING! And everything he does is great! Swoon. I thought Ides was going to be dumb, like Primary Colors, but it wasn’t. It was wonderful, like Dodgeball! And the best thing about breaking up with Reynolds for Gosling, besides sticking with the name Ryan? At least Gosling’s not Canadian like that fradulent pretender Reynolds who tried to trick me. LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you.