Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for March, 2012

Not so random thought

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

When I’m a famous billionaire, I’m buying all the press in New York and firing every single last sports writer. Rangers are the first Eastern Conference team to clinch a playoff spot, but what do all the sports pages have on their covers?

WILPON!

Fuckers.

In other news, check me rocking my new Rangers jersey! I’ll be rinkside on Friday hoping to catch the eye of a certain fellow Patriots fan and New York center.
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I’ll be practicing signing things “Dawn Boyle” till then.

RANGERS PUNCH THEIR TICKET TO THE PLAYOFFS!

Monday, March 19th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

We don’t need to watch no scoreboards, let the motherfuckers burn! Burn motherfuckers burn!

I wish I’d gone to *this* game instead!

Deep thoughts on zombies

Monday, March 19th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

No, I haven’t seen the Walking Dead season finale yet, so, shet yer pieholes. However, my extensive research into zombies indicate that they might best be used as weapons in military conflict. You’d pen them up in huge cargo planes and drop them into the enemy territory. That way, your soldiers aren’t in harms way AND now your enemy has a zombie problem.

Can we pay that in Bobby Bonilla?

Monday, March 19th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Mets settle with Madoff trustee for 162 million.

Soo…

Monday, March 19th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I probably shouldn’t enter this, right? Since I would likely spend the entire game booing Tim “McVeigh” Thomas for hating America. Although, I’d be with The Gronk and he’ll probably be rooting for the Sabres too.

Hmm. Yo Soy Fiesta!

This is the last song I’m writing for you

Monday, March 19th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

When google launched its new “google play” thing, it offered all these complete albums to be downloaded for a quarter.

I can’t really remember the last time I bought new music. I get all my music from Oh Captain and This is Not April in their futile attempts to get me to stop tweeting about how awesome Miley Cyrus is. But how could I pass up the opportunity to get 7 albums for under two dollars? I pulled the trigger.

I bought the new Drake, Lil Wayne, Coldplay, This is what I call music, Lady Antebellum, Guns N Roses Greatest Hits… umm… and some other thing that is slipping my mind. Then last week I spent days and days listening to all this stuff and creating a playlist of the songs I liked. My favorite one, by far, was the Lil Wayne “How to Hate” track featuring T-Pain. (I was introduced to Lil Wayne’s “How to Love” last summer and I loved it! I find it hilarious that he has the song “How to Hate” on the same album on back to back tracks and it’s equally good.

I’ve been singing it nonstop for days and have it on multiple playlists multiple times. It’s just so catchy and clever ( oh oh oh Ahhh oh oh oh ahhh.) It’s also muy explicito with lots of very very naughty language, but hey.

Anyway, I’m working out Sunday afternoon, with my new trainer Lloyd, and he puts on the radio. The first song was “The Way you make me feel” by Michael Jackson. Then it was “Creep” by TLC, then “Rock the Boat” by Aaliyah. THEN “I wanna dance with somebody” by Whitney. I stopped mid rep and I was like “DUDE! What is this? “Dead Black artists day”? He laughed and was like “alright, I’ll switch to my ipod.”

He puts on his ipod and about ten minutes later I hear the familiar chords and T-pain being all “She owes me everything and she knows it/I’ve seen all the scenes in this movie, and she blows it at the end” And I’m all humming and then we get to the chorus: How to hate a bitch…

…and Lloyd is all “oh shit! I’m so sorry!” And he rushes over to change it cause ostensibly a song about being “through with all these bitch ass bitches” would be offensive to his female client.

Of course, I was all “NEGRO! I love this song! Women ain’t the only bitch ass bitches, lemme tell you.”

Then he laughed and we were singing “I wish you the best, boo. Weezy F… for fuck you!”

And then he made me do 50 jumping jacks and frankly, that was rude.

Bitch ass bitch.

Rutgers student found guilty of privacy invasion…

Friday, March 16th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

… but not bias.

The worst thing about this story, aside from parents having to bury their kid, is that this dude killed himself because he couldn’t live with people knowing he was gay, but NOW he’s totally like a GAY ICON! It’s not right!

If I were to vote Republican and kill myself because I couldn’t live with the shame and then it were found out later, I will return as a vengeful ghost if the Republicans use me as a rallying cry for New Yorkers to be more tolerant of Republicans.

VENGEFUL GHOST PEOPLE!

You’re the one that taught me

Friday, March 16th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Have a good weekend.


But if you read this letter then you caught me
This should explain all the ways that you taught me

How to hate a bitch
That owe you everything
At least a wedding ring
Moving on to better things
So don’t you call me talking bout them other fools
I’m not good enough for you
I thought that we was cool, boo (o o aaa… o o aaa…)
If you need a shoulder to cry on… I won’t listen
I’m through f*cking with these bitch ass bitches

[Lil Wayne]
And I don’t love them hoes
But don’t f*ck up with wayne cuz when it waynes it pours
No really, I’m on my “f*ck that bitch” shit
You used to be the shit, but now you ain’t shit, bitch

Denied on the doorstep

Friday, March 16th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I went to see the Rangers get throttled by the seemingly unstoppable Pittsburgh Penguin pirates at the Garden last night.

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Stupid racist Crosby and Letang were back, whilst my main man Lundqvist was sidelined with…um… something. Plus, Captain Cally and DZ were out with real non wuss ass “Theraflu” injuries.

I love going to sporting events with Alceste when I lose because he’s all “you didn’t lose, Dawn. The Rangers did.” And I’m all “Negro, do you see my jersey?” And he’s all “Yes, and it doesn’t say ‘Summers’ on the back AND I’m sure your backwards skating skills are on par with mine.”

Valid!

These exchanges are WAY less valid when we go to Mets/Braves games and the Mets win and I’m all “SO’S YOUR FACE! We TOTALLY KICKED YOUR ASSES!” And he’s all “O_o Your curveball must be really good!”

Anyway, last night was one of the good going to a game with Alceste days, where I totes didn’t lose and just enjoyed my wine and the conversation from the trashy women behind us. (To which Alceste replied “Um….you might want to say that a little quieter before the trashy women slap you.”)

Again? Valid!

But seriously. These women were like your classic loudmouthed, Long Island accented big girls screaming “GET OFF YOUR ASS GABBY” Or “YOU GOTTA LIFT IT ZOOKY! LIIIFFFTT ITTT” (I also got the headline from their yelling “You’re right on the doorstep! PUT IT IN!” And then I’d think “That’s what she said!”)

And then when the scrum converged in front of the net and I stood up to see (cause we had pretty good seats twenty rows or so behind the net) they would yell “SIDDOWN!”

Terrifying. (As the night went on, I further discovered that one of them had a Rangers themed wedding where all the table numbers referenced Rangers guys like number 2, 30, 1, 9…etc. The bride walked down the aisle to the Rangers goal song and they played clips of classic Rangers wins instead of childhood pics of the bride and groom. Not that I’m ever getting married, but dude, every table is gonna be number 12! Every. One! I don’t wanna hear any follow up questions. LALALALALALA I can’t hear you.)

Oh, when I got to the Garden I found a bar with this awesome bartender who was like “the wine bottles are kind of small…here, I’ll give you two. Don’t tell. Shhh” Wheeee! Love that guy! But then I figured I should get food of some kind and ended up going to the Kosher kiosk cause it was closest. When I got to my seat, I saw that Alceste had gotten food from the same place! I laughed. But then the guy on the other side of me was all “Thank God I’m not sitting next to a Penguins fan.” I don’t know what Alceste had been doing to him before I got there.

Sadly, there were TONS of Penguins fans in attendance. When the Pens scored in the first two minutes (hangs head) there were so many cheers I thought Biron had made the stop even though I saw the lights flashing and the scoreboard change from 0-0 to 0-1.
It was like the time I went to the Riots game in San Diego and there were more Brady jerseys than Chargers fans — JUST BRADY jerseys– never mind the Patriots fans in other jerseys or who weren’t wearing their colors at all.

Alceste, however, is a wretched photographer (though he blames my camera #races) so I didn’t get any good profile pics out of it… but maybe I can convince Ugarles to go with me to the Rangers/Detroit game and we can try again.

But then I think the Rangers better win cause I’m guessing Ugarles won’t be quite so magnanimous in victory.

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Evidently, VinNay knows a lot of people

Thursday, March 15th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Draw Something app hits 20M downloads.