Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for February, 2012

Not so random question

Thursday, February 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

How do I NOT have a racism tag blog category?

With a name like Dawn Summers…

Thursday, February 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

…one would think I’d be more successful.

House is FINALLY ending!

Thursday, February 9th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

SANKS GOD! GEEZ. We know, IT’S NOT SARCOIDOSIS! IT’S NEVER SARCOIDOSIS!

Where’s my Arizona correspondent?

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Latina candidate barred from appearing on the ballot.

TAYLOR SWIFT AND ZAC EFRON ARE IN A NEW MOVIE TOGETHER!!

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

A guy at my work who has known me all of six months told me about it!

THE REST OF YOU TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM ME!!! #RUDE #RACES AND NOW YOU’RE ALL ON THE LIST!

Taylor Tuesday…

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Seems appropriate considering the previous post…

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Worst. Person. In. The. World.

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Sigh.

I still feel SO awful about his death and everything that happened between us in the end. Like the worst person in the world! And with Kim Jong Il’s death, there IS a vacancy.

There’s a novel I read once, called The Society or The Secret or the Gift, maybe… doesn’t really matter.

It was about six kids at a prestigious school and they were in a latin club or something. Anyway, one of them dies somehow and the rest cover it up. The author, in telling the story, describes the most chillingly ruthless of the kids as someone who thinks generosity is giving away the chocolates she didn’t like from a box.

I bristled.

That’s *not* generosity?!

I mean, it’s not Oprah opening a school in Zimbabwe, generous, but she could just suck the chocolate coating off the gross coconut ones and throw the rest away instead of offering the whole gross coconut ones to someone who might like gross coconut chocolates! Um… hypothetically, I mean, one could imagine a person making the transition from a chocolate coating-suck-offer to proudly being a more outgoing “you can have any of the non caramel or milk chocolate ones cause I’m allergic to nuts and hate coconut” offerer. And how could such a person not be thought of as generous?! Er…such a *hypothetical* person?!

I was incensed on behalf of the maligned character! I don’t remember now whether she was the murderer or not, but if she was, she likely had good reason! This was a very popular book in the early aughts and I remember complaining to anyone who would listen that this characterization was SO unfair it tarnished the believability of the book. The only person who would listen, a friend from Yale, shrugged and said “okay, I won’t read it.”

I wonder if she’s dead now too.

Sigh.

I spend a lot of time now making sure people aren’t dead. When I’m not doing that, I’m reading articles about people who I know are dead but still can’t really believe are dead. I found out Don’s older brother also died and I was sad that he didn’t tell me. And I was sad for his mother having to bury both her sons. I thought about writing her a letter, but that seemed weird. So I emailed his sister to find out where Don was buried. He’s interred in the cemetery right by my house. And he spent the last three months of his life in and out of a hospital in Brooklyn. That hurt my feelings and made me mad.

I decided to go visit his grave last Sunday. I somehow thought I would just find it by… I dunno, feeling or something, that was…er… I believe the word I’m looking for is “unsuccessful.”

I went back this Saturday armed with a “map,” that the cemetery’s computer prints out after the search engine says “Congratulations! We have found your deceased.”

Awesome.

Except the map was a useless abstract, stenciling of a 200-acre cemetery with an “X” marking the spot where “my deceased” kinda sorta is.

It was the two year anniversary of his burial, so I figured there would be flowers on his grave and started my search at those headstones so adorned. Nothing.

Next, I looked for fancy graves with ornate sculptures cause, well, his family is rich. More nothing.

I looked at grave after grave, old people, young people, couples, babies, but no sign of my deceased. I asked a worker who was laying tarp for an incoming funeral if he could help. He looked at my stenciled map and said I was in the right area, but he couldn’t walk with me to find it cause the hearse with the new body was pulling in.

I walked around some more, idled by the funeral in progress a bit – seemed to be for an elderly woman, and I gave up.

He didn’t let me know where he was when he was alive so I could visit, guess he doesn’t want me visiting his grave either. It’ll have to be enough that I’m in the “right area.”
And then, in true worst person in the world form, I thought, he probably wouldn’t have put in this much effort to find MY grave.

I walked back to my car, opened the trunk and shoved the useless map and flowers inside. As I slammed it shut, a patrol car pulled up and a security guard stepped out.

“Do you need help finding someone, miss?”

I hesitated and then said yes.

I needed help finding my deceased.

I opened the trunk and handed him the mess of crumpled paper. He smoothed it out and said “You’re very close. Come on, follow me.”

Sure enough, I was parked only a few feet away, but the grave is a very simple flatstone. I’d stepped over it at least twice as I read names on the fancier headstones.

He’s buried with his paternal grandparents who died before he was born. There was a rotted wreath with a ribbon saying Merry Christmas. That somehow seemed super depressing.
The stone didn’t say much more than his birth and death dates. Again, also, super depressing.

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The memorial pages on the website for the college he taught is filled with notes from his students painting such a bright picture of him as a great professor that I thought that would be on there. HE graduated top of his PhD class at Yale and the history department established an academic prize named after him. Also, not on there. But I guess none of that really matters.

I wondered if he still looked like himself in there. I wondered what his grandparents thought about him moving in since they didn’t even know about him. Then I thought these were really weird things to think, so I stopped thinking them and thought about normal things.

That I was sorry he was dead.

That I wished I had gotten to know the man he became.

That I was very very cold and should have worn a coat.

I don’t know how long I stood at the gravesite, but when I went to thank the security guard he was gone and there was no sign of his car.

Someone, who is a stupidface but shall remain nameless, because in two days when I can’t look at my blog anymore because it’s too sad, I’m going to have to ask him to publish a million guest posts, does not give much credence to my ghost security guard theory and I suppose a coatless black woman wandering around a cemetery for 30 minutes possibly calling out “where are you? ” might have attracted the kind of attention that results in security guards being sent to investigate.

Who can say?

If the worst person in the world can learn to share her gross chocolate covered coconut clumps, anything is possible. Even ghost guards.

These days, I haven’t been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn’t call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side

Taylor Tuesday!

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Elizabeth Taylor has been called the “greatest movie star of all.”

It’s raining in Brooklyn

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

I’m sitting in an office on the tenth floor of a downtown NYC building.

Just outside my window, in the streets below, is a gaggle of Giants fans lining the parade route waiting for the Superbowl champions to float by in a few hours.

In essence, I am currently in hell.

It’s a hell of my own making, I suppose. When one chooses to live in the greatest city in the world AND root for the greatest football franchise in the world — bad things are bound to happen. But I wouldn’t live anywhere else and I wouldn’t root for any football team but the Patriots. The heart wants what it wants.

I don’t have much to say about the game, except I was disappointed, but not surprised. This wasn’t 2008. That we even made the Superbowl was its own miraculous occurence. As per usual, I have my thoughts about those who — despite not following/discussing football with me for the past six months, suddenly feel at liberty to trash talk my Patriots in my twitter at reply feed or on my facebook wall. O_o

If you’re not a Giants fan, you can pretty much go fuck yourself; if you weren’t a Giants fan in December when they lost to the Redskins for the second time of the season, you can also go fuck yourself. If are and were a Giants fan, well, hats off to you, congrats, good win. Yes, you own us.

I know that some find it silly, all this general mopiness following a sports disappointment. And I get that, no one died, nothing collapsed — but the same way that I don’t understand pet ownership, yet respect that when a pet dies owners are sad and the appropriate response is to offer condolences, not shrug and say “who cares” — those in my circles should understand by now –I love my Riots and my Rangers and my Mets. The Patriots lost the Superbowl and I’m sad about it.

I’m sure I will be not sad sometime in the not-too-distant-future but until then… thanks for your sympathy or fuck off — pick whichever applies to you.

Just like that, Brian Boyle is my favorite Ranger

Monday, February 6th, 2012 by Dawn Summers

Next jersey I get will be his.

DUUUUDDDEEE WHY ARE BRIAN BOYLE JERSEYS TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?? #CRIES