Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for December, 2011

Tik Tok

Saturday, December 17th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

I’m sitting in the BMW service shop waiting room. The flatscreen on the wall is tuned to NY1. I’ve been here an hour and I’ve been through the NY1 news cycle once already. I’m just about a third of the way through it again.

My phone, a 4G Verizon Samsung Droid Charge, is fully charged and actually getting 4G reception. I have my new silver video ipod in my pocket. That is also fully charged and stocked with thousands of songs and hours of television that I haven’t seen.

And yet… I. Am. Bored. Out. Of. My. Ever. Loving. Mind.

I’m anxious for the next eight days to pass. Heck, I’m anxious for the next fourteen days to pass. 2012, yo! We are full and well into the future! This is the date I used to blurt out when trying to evoke the notion of the impossible!

“Pshaw, yeah, maybe in 2012!”

I swear I’m about to have like nine marriages, triplets and adopt two dogs.

What care I for the blatherings of social media or local news on a cold Saturday morning on the cusp of THE FUTURE?!

I need bigger distractions! Tebowbowl! Rangers/Devils! Alien invaders!

Sigh.

Taps foot.

Are we there yet?

Like Batman without all the helping people

Thursday, December 15th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

My mom was robbed at gunpoint yesterday fucking AFTERNOON!

She went to the bank to get change for the Sunday collection, her medical co-pays and her Access A Ride van fare. She withdrew $300 and got $200 in smaller bills from the teller. This money was put in a bank envelope and she put that in her pocket. She and her friend then went to the pharmacy to fill scripts for her back pain and to buy groceries.

Then, she and her friend walked home.

There were two people talking on the stoop and her friend stopped to talk to them. My mother put her key in the lock and opened the front door, she held the door open for her friend and the woman in the stoop talking couple, put her foot in the door crack and continued her conversation.

My mom and her friend went up the stairs, got the mail from the mailbox, got in the elevator and pressed their floor.

“Hold the door,” a voice cried out and my mom pushed the door open a bit to stop the elevator.

A well dressed black man in his forties stepped in. He didn’t press any buttons and followed my mom and her friend off.

“Where is 3C?” He asked them.

My mom’s friend pointed to the end of the hallway, he said thanks and they walked in the other direction of the hallway.

My mom’s friend went to her own apartment and my mom went to ours. She put the key in the top lock and opened it when she felt hands around her throat and someone started choking her. She pushed him back against the wall, her didn’t let go of her neck, but his cellphone fell and he yelled “Fuck,” when it hit the floor. He then punched her and threw her down to the floor. My mom’s friend started screaming and he pulled out a gun. At this point, my mom said she saw someone looking down at them from the floor above, so she started yelling “he has a gun, call the police.”

The gunman then went directly for the pocket with the envelope she had gotten from the teller, took it and ran.

At this point, her friend ran into her apartment and called 911. Three cars came within five minutes. They said NO ONE ELSE CALLED. So basically, some asshole sees two women being attacked with a gun in their building and not only doesn’t help, which, fine, ok, I get that, BUT NOT EVEN CALL THE POLICE?? MAAAANNNN, LIIISSSTTEEEEEEN!

The cops said the guy must have followed them from the bank. My mom says she thinks she saw the guy in the photo lineup the police showed her, but the man in the picture had a beard and her robber didn’t. The cops wanted to take her coat to see if there was any DNA on it from her struggle with the man. But she said it was too cold to leave without her coat and they let her keep it. A paramedic at the station checked her out, but she has scheduled an MRI and whatnot just in case.

The cops offered to give her money for the collection plate on Sunday, but she declined.

I had won tickets to attend the premiere of 24/7 Rangers/Flyers at HBO headquarters last night and I told my mom I would take her. I think she was glad for the distraction and she always likes “fancy parties” with “little food.” Seriously, she is obsessed with hors d’oeuvres! I think she kinda likes hockey now, although I will never be able to explain anything that’s happening beyond “um, that guy scored,” AND the main bad guys in the movie (The Flyers) have a black guy and the good guys (The Rangers) don’t: WORST. SCENARIO. EVAH!

We were talking about the incident on the way home and she said that she was angry that the guy had “tricked” her with his suit.
“If he was wearing baggy pants down his ass and looked like a kid, I would never have even gone to my door!” She was very angry.
I was mostly angry that this fucker has a cellphone and is stalking old ladies in banks. I’ve slacked off from the gym since I came back from DC, but I return tomorrow with a purpose and a focus! I will be the masked Avenranger. I will fight bad guys with a hockey stick and when I leave them tied up for the police I will duct tape a hockey puck into their mouths.

Alas, until then I’m just going to randomly hate crime well dressed black guys. Starting with that Simmonds dude.

Wait…what?

What’s the *opposite* of a humble brag?

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

So, every morning I make a pot of coffee in the office. After two months of tinkering I finally figured out the perfect process for an amazing cup of coffee. Seriously, my coffee is so amazing the people lurk around the kitchen when they see me come out so they can get my pot! (Actually, one time this dude tried to cut in front OF ME to fill his mug. I side eyed his dumb ass into submission.)

Anyway, part of my “process” is I clean EVERYTHING — INCLUDING THE INTERNAL MACHINE PIPES — And how do I clean the internal pipage? Well, I make a pot of coffee *before* my pot. I used to end up making two pots of the House Blend, but then I realized I was just wasting House Blend, since I wasn’t drinking one pot. Then, I got a GENIUS idea… make a pot of decaf! So, that’s what I started doing. Then one day this woman comes in and sees a pot of decaf already prepared, while I was measuring out the coffee for my regular pot.

“Oh My Gosh, did you make the decaf for me?”

Um.

“Yes?”

“That is SO NICE! YOU ARE SO NICE! You don’t even drink decaf!”

No. Cause it’s retarded.

Smiles

For the next two weeks whenever I’d see her she’d be like “thanks so much!”

Then yesterday, the office manager came up to me to say that she heard I was making the coffee for the floor and she wanted to thank me for helping out.

O_o

Yes. I am AWESOME!

Not so random thought

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

I don’t know how December 21, 2011 became December 13, 2011 in my head, but I’m going to assume lots of 30-year-olds screw up their doctor appointment times in this fashion.

Also, don’t tell twitter. Twitter is judgy.

How is this my life?

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

My primary care physician referred me to a specialist at the hospital where my mom used to work.

I called and they gave me a new patient appointment six weeks into the future, so naturally, I wrote it down and promptly forgot all about it. 5 weeks and 6 days hence, I’m all… oh yeah, I gotta go to that doctor tomorrow. Huh… I should probably ask my mom about the doctor. So, at midnight, after I got back from a wild and crazy Monday night out (@_@) I call my mom and ask:

“So, do you know Dr. Katherine Mercedes?”

And she’s all “No, I don’t think so. Who is that?”

“Doctor at your old hospital.”

“OH. KATHY MERCEDES? SHE’S THE WORST! DON’T GO ANYWHERE NEAR HER. SHE’S AN IDIOT AND A BITCH. SHE’S TERRIBLE…. Why are you asking?”

UM. O_o

So, yeah, evidently she’s hates this woman and this woman hates her and I have to go to this appointment in 6 hours. My mother very helpfully said “I wouldn’t go. But if you go, I wouldn’t let her know we’re related.”

Now, it’s way too late to cancel without paying money and I have to go, BUT I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER! Plus, she’s my emergency contact!

Yeah, I cry.

And the moral of this story is ______________?

Taylor Tuesday!

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

I had an awesome weekend, one of the highlights of which was singing along to Taylor Swift’s “Mean,” with my six-year-old niece and her parents after we came back from chopping down a Christmas Tree! That’s right! CHOPPED!

Vegas tour helicopter crashes

Thursday, December 8th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

APRIL TOTALLY TRIED TO GET ME TO DO THIS LAST WEEK!!! WHY IS SHE TRYING TO KILL ME??!!! #NOBFFDAY #NOBFFDAY #NOBFFDAY

Movie roundup

Thursday, December 8th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

The first came and went and I didn’t do a movie round-up and no one noticed.

SOB.

Song of the Day

Thursday, December 8th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Time and time again I’ve said that I don’t care

That I’m immune to gloom that I’m hard through and through

But everytime it matters all my words desert me

So anyone can hurt me

And they do

So what happens now (another suitcase in another hall)

So what happens now (take your picture off another wall)

Where am I going to (you’ll get by you always have before)

Where am I going to

Call in three months time and I’ll be fine I know

Well maybe not that fine but I’ll survive anyhow

I won’t recall the names and places of each sad occasion

But that’s no consolation

Here and now

I maintain I look twelve in this photo

Tuesday, December 6th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

image