Clareified

Where does the good go

2011 Game Balls and… Person of the Year

This year has been amazing.

I’m not going to lie, with emergency surgery, during a blizzard, in the second week of January and another Patriots “one and done” in the playoffs, my hopes for the year were low. And yet, I survived the surgery (and the weeks of recovery in the ECB), was given the welcome “it wasn’t cancer,” diagnosis AND my BFF on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays hooked me up with one of the most permanent jobs I’ve had in three years.

By February, 2011 was sunshine and lollipops — like the good kind: sour apple with gum inside.

My little sister Smokey got married in the Zona, so I got to enjoy 90 degree days in the middle of East Coast winter. Pearatty treated me to the fancy spa treatment and even though Wygant stole my nose and REFUSES to give it back, he was a joy to watch running around trying to mop.


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Kaz and Tito tied the knot a month later and I had a mini law school reunion with some of my favoritest people on the planet. I even got my windows washed by a shirtless F-train wearing frayed acid wash jean shorts! Both weddings were amazing (Smokey totally handled an improbable flood, in Phoenix, of her garden wedding like a BOSS, while Kaz laughed in the face of Eygptian mummy curses at her cool museum wedding). I felt privileged to have been on hand for both.

I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to see my Riots play football live this year, first, because of the NFL lock-out and then because of the poverty, but after I entered AND won a fitness contest this fall, I had a surprise cash windfall! I took the money from that victory and saw Taylor Swift in concert, the Patriots notch their tenth regular season win AND paid for a trip out to Vegas where I came in fourth in a poker tournament! I also got glasses this year and although @petitedov HATES them and says they make me look stupid, I LOVE them and practice dramatically putting them on and taking them off in front of the mirror all day long. OMG, this whole post sounds like an end of the year newsletter now. Okay, back on track, sooooo…

I got to hang out with my DC niece and nephew, and those people they live with

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— who very nicely let me take part in their Christmas tradition of hunting and killing a tree! Princess Leia declared “Auntie Dawn picks THE WORST trees!” Well, I NEVER. (Also, I said to her “when I was your age, Pluto was a planet.” She shakes her head slowly and offers to teach the planets to me — when she gets a chance (she was wrapping a present for a classmate’s birthday party.)

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And little Emil decided he would rather use the ropes to make me his prisoner and take me to “the dungeon,” than tie the tree to the car.

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Shoutout to all the cool people I met this year, but none can yet replace my redheaded New York crew…of two. Yo, how come Mary didn’t take any plane trips with me this year… if she’s flying around with a new black friend… *shakes fist*

And I think I’ve worn my Christmas present from Alceste/Dawn 2 every day since I opened it!

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Thanks to Pi for hosting my whole birthday party at her house, Amanda for baking a cake:
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Petitedov, @Starfishncoffee, Ugarles, Sidney, Mary, Pretty Numbers and the Cider Fraud for coming. And of course, props to Kaz and Tito for my birthday part Part Deux and hilarious t-shirt!

OH MY GOSH! In the new International Clareified Persons of the year category, @Astinto and M totally win for most awesome chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream caramel cake WITH A MINI DAWN TOPPER EVER MADE!! SO SO SO VERY COOL!

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LIKE WOW!! How’d she DO THAT??

I’m totally spending the entire weekend in Toronto next year so I can eat my whole cake all by myself. Um… yeah, I just invited myself over to a party in Toronto that you guys are throwing… you’re welcome?!

Person of the year was a no brainer, but I did want to write about the co runners up.

I know lots of great, generous people — seriously, most days, I’m like why on earth do you people even talk to me, I’m THE WORST! There is no one that inspires that thought more frequently than my BFF on Mondays, Tuesdays and Sundays: This Is Not April.

Who really is… Spoiler Alert: Totally April!

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DUDE! SHE IS SOOOOO NICE!! I mean seriously. Like even when discussing the most wretched horrible annoying people in the world (NOT ME, YOU JERKS) she has nothing but nice things to say AND she totally makes with the giving of the benefit of the doubt. JUST GIVES IT AWAY! She almost makes me feel guilty about the terrible things I text her on a near weekly basis. Almost. Maybe if I lived closer, her goodness would rub off. #noporno. Her birthday gift of Patriots’ jewelry has been flashed in the face of poker dealers who trash talk Tom Brady and waved at obnoxious Giants fans after they crapped the bed against Washington the very week New England clinched a playoff spot. I never take the earrings off! Tee hee.

I’m so excited to be part of her wedding to @jnassi, even if I will be all sleeveless. I did get a dress with pockets though, which will be stuffed with snacks as I’m taking my job as Vice President in Charge of Bride Feeding very seriously. Like, it’s on my resume and I’ll be asking for references later, seriously. (Oh, did I mention making her wake up at the crack of Dawn on a Vegas Friday to go dress shopping with me because I wanted to see the Pinball museum?! And instead of telling me to go kick rocks, SHE DID IT!)

Also, April is my mom’s favorite person who she’s never met because I’m like “April’s wedding in April” and my mom completely cracks up. Every. Time. Yes, that’s where I get it from.

Second runner up was also Clareified’s 2007 person of the year, Fisch. When not seen wearing a blanket, like a superhero cape, and throwing trash bags of soiled diapers into the street, The artist now known as Fuelsellage, is all running around around being mister guy. When I got back from Arizona, there were randomly all these packages waiting for me. I assumed, obviously, that they were explosives. But no! They were “no reason whatsoever” presents from Fisch! :-) (My doorman, who spent all February telling me that if I *had* gotten a package, he would have *given* me said package, was very happy for me. Jerkface.) Then, this summer, Fuelsellage did one of the nicest things EVER AND he didn’t even tell me about it till months afterward!

I always bug him with mine (and my mother’s) computer problems, and even though he was all suffering from pneumonia, he let me bring my crapbox Dell over to try to see if he could make it work less badly. And when he couldn’t save it, he PAID someone to fix it for me. Just all around totally sweet and makes me feel fortunate to know him. Plus, now I know that when young 18-year-old Maximus has to call home for his dad to pick him up from Tropicana’s security office, after being caught playing high stakes hold ’em with a fake ID, he will be in good hands. Though, young 15-year-old Maximus should probably call his fake Aunt Dawn to pick him up from Borgata’s security when *he’s* caught. :-) Oh, I should probably also take this opportunity to confess to cheating in a good 80% of our Words with Friends games. As penance, I will let you beat me the next time we play face to face Scrabble. *whistles*

But now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…. Clareified’s 2011 Person of the Year IISSSSS….

My Chinese Nephew Alexander! “Nobody can get mad at you for picking a baby” – Pearatty

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How cute is his witty bitty Chinese eyes! Honestly, this kid’s face is so cute I could just keep it in a jar on my coffee table. Except that would be weird… and probably illegal…

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Alex was bornded in 2011, so that totally makes it his year AND he’s the youngest person I ever met and I met him in 2011.


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After a rocky start where he would scream bloody murder whenever I got within two inches of him, we have developed quite the bond.

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I taught him how to wave when he was four weeks, and I taught him how to walk at two months and now we have highly competitive “peekaboo” matches. I have a 3-1 lead in the series. But he plays me tough. I love how he laughs and laughs and then that makes his mom laugh and within minutes the whole room is just giggling. Good times, indeed.

To all my readers, commenters, lurkers, to everyone who checked up on me after the earthquake and hurricane (THE HELL, NEW YORK? WHY SO SERIOUS?!), my twitter followers and twitter followed, I hope this year treated you well and hope next year treats you better and you catch ten times more touchdown passes in the next two months -okay, that last part is a tad specific.

To those I don’t see or talk to as much as I used to: “Hope it’s nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day and something reminds you…”

Here’s to 2012 and may it bring more laughter and love for all! (And of course, the epic end to my friendship with F-train. N.B. Anyone who sides with him over me is racist! Though, I suppose anyone who sides with me over him hates the gays? This’ll be tough for the liberals, but I predict I get all the Republicans!)

Peace ‘n’ Chickengrease
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35 Responses to “2011 Game Balls and… Person of the Year”

  1. Tae Says:

    This is the best year-end wrap-up I’ve read. Especially the no-cancer part, not to mention the no-diabetes too.

    Maybe we should shoot for meeting up in 2012 and see whether the world does indeed get swallowed up by a black hole. Happy New Year!

  2. Grange95 Says:

    Yes, in the grand hierarchy of the modern Republican Party, blacks are three rungs above gay people. Well, the rich ones like Herman Cain. The poor ones are one rung above the gays, tied with rich Republican closet cases, like Ken Mehlman, Charlie Crist, & Michelle Bachman’s husband. Hate politics & demagoguery can be complicated.

    I note wasn’t named in your post. I shall refrain from any petty sniping and take the high road. I shall also sabotage the Patriots in the playoffs. Watch me.

  3. Ugarles Says:

    Grange95: you weren’t mentioned because you will presumably be supporting F-Train

  4. Grange95 Says:

    Ugarles: It’s rather presumptuous of Dawn to think I’d support FTrain because he’s gay.

    Wait. What? Oh. Never mind.

    It’s rather silly of Dawn to think I’d support FTrain after he wore acid-washed jean shorts. My people can be petty and judgmental on issues of proper attire.

  5. Astin Says:

    WOOHOO! International Clareified Persons of the Year co-winner!

    What’s the trophy look like? Is it too big to put on my bookshelf? Should I clear out some floor space where the Christmas tree is now?

    Congrats on not having death-making diseases!

    And Pearatty is wrong. People can totally get mad at you for choosing a baby. Especially if that baby is being a dick – not that I’m saying that particular baby is. But since I co-won something, I’m totally not one of those mad people.

  6. M Says:

    But fellow co-winner: Since we’re the “international” winners and “international” includes the whole wide world other than the US, doesn’t that make us the overall winners, the winners of planet Earth?

    As for edible Dawns – it’s magical baking wizardry that will only be topped by the idea I have for this year, should you officially trek up here and dare to spend a night! (The polar bears and rabid racoons come out at night, don’t ya know? Match that with the attack cats trained to smack around hockey pucks and eat Rangers fans. Being nocturnal, they wait until the still of night to chow down.)

  7. Astin Says:

    Silly co-winner, Dawn’s geography works like this:

    America = New York City
    The Rest of the World = USA
    International = Places where people don’t know the Pledge of Allegiance, but that can’t be more than an acre or two of total space.

  8. April Says:

    Excellent…. continue to tell people I’m so nice… then they’ll never see it coming!

    Also, help me understand… you had a shirtless F-Train washing your windows in acid-wash? And there is no picture??????

  9. Tae Says:

    LOL Astin – perfect re geography.

    April, I was thinking the same thing!

  10. fisch Says:

    I was reading this one and saying to myself “I’m not going to get a mention this year, and I totally deserve it, and next year I’ll try to be a better friend.” And then I totally got a huge mention!

    I am so not going to try harder next year.

    mwah 😉

  11. Dawn Says:

    Balls.

  12. missusb Says:

    I totally thought I would win. Even though I am totally a lurker. We did met when you were in Omaha, but I was so boring that morning I almost put my self to sleep. But still, can’t believe I got beaten out by a baby. Sigh. Maybe next year.

  13. Pdov Says:

    Lies, all lies. I love your adorable, yet sophosticated-I’n-very-smart glasses. I just like you more without them! Is that so wrong. Cider Fraud still owes you the present and won’t let me make it for you, so I’m guessing you will get your bday present in 2 years (the guy is slow). Also we made a second of batch of cider, no bueno.

    Next year lets try to get together more and ride our bikes! Yay to no cancer & diabetes!

    That baby (alexander) is cute and he loves when I hold him. Totally deserves person of the year!

  14. fisch Says:

    Her first sentence is a warning about her second one.

  15. Pdov Says:

    F- touche. ha! I like the damn glasses!

  16. Pdov Says:

    Also, shoutout to Amanda her cake was very, very delicious. You do have some awesome friends!

  17. dawn Says:

    @pdov I will continue NOT to want a cat in two years.

  18. April Says:

    Seriously, let’s get back to this whole F-Train in acid wash thing.

  19. F-Train Says:

    Don’t you all know by now that Dawn is full of lies?

  20. Mary Says:

    Okay. I commented earlier but now it’s gone. Am I not good enough for the blog? Was my comment so lame that it had to be deleted?

    Hmm? I’m waiting…

  21. fisch Says:

    Oh and btw, your wwf confession was totally one of those “why tell her you cheated, it’s only to make you feel better, not her” type of situations.

  22. KJ Says:

    I like Fisch. He is one of the good ones.

  23. DRobbSki Says:

    I like this blog. I need to read it more. Happy ’12 SC. See you in May, latest, I hope.

  24. Stephane Clare | Jason and April Says:

    […] I’m a good friend and super nice, I uploaded the photo from our recent Vegas trip in which I look like a total […]

  25. fisch Says:

    Kearns,

    What happened to our chess matches?

  26. dawn summers Says:

    I think I’ve destroyed Kearns’ will to play chess ever again. HA!

  27. fisch Says:

    You beat him? Or lost so much that you bored him of the game?

  28. Dawn Summers Says:

    Have we met? If you think I don’t knock all the pieces off the board *by accident* when I’m losing…

  29. fisch Says:

    he’s been ducking me in chess for a while now…maybe this will publicly shame him into playing 😉

    4 games, 25 bucks a game.

  30. KJ Says:

    Fisch. No. I so let Dawnie win a game because i wanted to win the person of the year award. Then, my campaign team thought there were too many sexual allegations against me that I had to quit running for the award… That explains why I did not even get a mention. That, plus the fact that I am black.

  31. KJ Says:

    4($25/game) seem reasonable. I know you are a father. I won’t feel too bad taking much from you.

  32. fisch Says:

    Haha. 999!

    We’re on then. Let’s have it on neutral ground…or in case we can’t have neutral ground, at Dawn’s house!

    When are you in town next?

  33. CKBWoP Says:

    “witty bitty Chinese eyes” ?????

    #rayyyyycist

  34. Wygant Says:

    Um, I can totally get mad that you chose a baby. A baby other than me. That’s how it’s going to be, huh? In this baby business there’s always someone younger with a “new look” coming up on your ass. I just never thought *you* would be like that, Auntie Stephane.

    And after I mopped your floors for you too.

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