Where does the good go

What’s the *opposite* of a humble brag?

So, every morning I make a pot of coffee in the office. After two months of tinkering I finally figured out the perfect process for an amazing cup of coffee. Seriously, my coffee is so amazing the people lurk around the kitchen when they see me come out so they can get my pot! (Actually, one time this dude tried to cut in front OF ME to fill his mug. I side eyed his dumb ass into submission.)

Anyway, part of my “process” is I clean EVERYTHING — INCLUDING THE INTERNAL MACHINE PIPES — And how do I clean the internal pipage? Well, I make a pot of coffee *before* my pot. I used to end up making two pots of the House Blend, but then I realized I was just wasting House Blend, since I wasn’t drinking one pot. Then, I got a GENIUS idea… make a pot of decaf! So, that’s what I started doing. Then one day this woman comes in and sees a pot of decaf already prepared, while I was measuring out the coffee for my regular pot.

“Oh My Gosh, did you make the decaf for me?”



“That is SO NICE! YOU ARE SO NICE! You don’t even drink decaf!”

No. Cause it’s retarded.


For the next two weeks whenever I’d see her she’d be like “thanks so much!”

Then yesterday, the office manager came up to me to say that she heard I was making the coffee for the floor and she wanted to thank me for helping out.


Yes. I am AWESOME!

7 Responses to “What’s the *opposite* of a humble brag?”

  1. RedxBranch Says:

    I love it when I do something completely in my self-interest and ‘lo and behold, it benefits someone else and I get credit for being ‘thoughtful’. It proves I am a good person……doesn’t it?

  2. elana Says:

    when you write decaf you mean poisoned?

  3. Ugarles Says:

    Why don’t you run hot water through the machine to clean out the inner works, genius? Instead you just get DECAF all over everything.

  4. April Says:

    What’s the rest of the “process”? Is there a child sacrifice in there somewhere?

  5. dawn summers Says:

    Crack. Bags and bags of crack. Let those fuckers try to furlough me again!

  6. pearatty Says:

    You can run vinegar through the machine to clean it out, but you likely wouldn’t get the same kind of appreciation from decaf lady.

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