Clareified

Where does the good go

Milk and Cookies New York Sucks!

So, I saw a tweet about this place a month ago and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since, so today, when I found out I was re-employed (yay…boo…) I decided to go get one. Or four. Shut up, I don’t sit around judging you.

First off, it’s like impossible to find. It’s on a street that’s not even a street… it’s a street sign. I’m not kidding.

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I walk in, sauntering over to the counter, which is filled with lots of bell jar glass covered treats like moon pies and rice krispie treats and the like.

“Hi,” I say all perky and friendly-like.

“Can you give us five or ten minutes,” the hipster girl behind the counter says.

Um.

“Yeah, sure.”

The place is empty and I take a seat at one of the wooden tables. The joint smells amazing! I am sitting there thinking “oh man, these cookies are going to come straight out of the oven and they’re going to be warm and melty…deeeellliiccciiooouusss!”

Five minutes pass and I start wondering…but how’d she know I wanted cookies… they also sell cupcakes which are RIGHT THERE. Or an ice cream cone, cause they sell that too. Then I start to become skeptical… jack of many trades, master of none and all that.

I continue to wait.

Finally, hipster girl is all “okay, you guys, what can I get for you?”

The one other guy who was there, got up and asked “well, what’s good”?

Effeminate super tall black guy is all “Oh my gosh, we ALWAYS get that question and I just don’t know WHAT to tell you! It’s all so good.”

So, guy gets a moon pie and a coffee with organic skim milk. The moon pie was plucked from right beneath one of the serving trays on the counter. That’s when I notice the cookies are all sitting right there too, on baking pans on a shelf.

They just made us wait while they were doing their register accounting or some other BS.

I opt for the 3 cookies for $7 “deal.” I got my standards: chocolate chip, sugar and oatmeal raisin.

The chocolate chip was awful. Like…too chocolate chippy, not enough cookie. I might as well have just eaten a cold bar of semi sweet chocolate. Fine, onward, that’s why I got an assortment.

The sugar cookie was doughy — but okay. Finally, I bite into the oatmeal raisin and it’s just a mouthful of oats (seriously, can someone invent the sugar raisin cookie? Call it “The Dawn” and give me a dime for each one you sell…most likely to me…) Anyway, I keep biting this cookie and it keeps being just oats and oats. So I start breaking the cookie into pieces… THERE IS ONLY ONE DAMN RAISIN IN THE WHOLE THING!

I AM SOOOOOO MMMAAADDD!!! I want to storm back in there and demand a new cookie.

I don’t, but I want to.

Instead, I write angry angry cookie review!

And that’s how Daawwwnnn Ceeess iiitt!

4 Responses to “Milk and Cookies New York Sucks!”

  1. April Says:

    Cross-post to Yelp so they fully feel your wrath! Hell hath no fury like a Dawn Summers scorned!!!!

    Also, does re-employment mean that the midlife crisis is over?

  2. Mary Says:

    Only 1 review on Yelp and it’s a bad one too.

    http://www.yelp.com/biz/milk-and-cookies-bakery-new-york

    This is why you should always make your own cookies.

  3. Tae Says:

    I’m going to work on that cookie for you.

  4. Vero Says:

    I went to a milk and cookies party when I was in college. Yeah, whatever. You did dumb things in college too. My friend Tony and I snuck away during a break in some board game we were playing and went (actually ran) to the Friends of the Blender Society party where they let us in for free because I was an honorary member, having loaned my blender. We chugged frozen rum drinks and immediately got brain freeze, so we chugged a beer to thaw out before heading back to the milk and cookies party. Best part of that milk and cookies party was the Friends of the Blender Society party! Moral of the story: Next time you’re tempted to go to that horrid place in NYC, try the nearest bar instead.

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