Okay, since I am officially mid life crisising (AND GODDAMIT AUTO CORRECT STOP CHANGING THAT TO CROSSING! I AM NOT MID LIFE CROSSING, THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!) AND there is NO handbook for the female mid life crisis, I have decided to chronicle my days. YOU’RE WELCOME, NORTH AMERICA and that one guy who reads me in New Zealand.
The first real breakthrough on the mid life crisis came late last night as I was washing the coffee pot… why the hell am I washing the coffee pot, I thought to myself. All that ever goes into it is coffee! The same coffee! And I’m the only one who drinks it! This is a waste of valuable mid life crisising time. There will be no more coffee pot washing in THIS home!
And then, it occurred to me the same could be said for the coffee cup, and all glasses, although, to be fair, we’ve been drinking straight from bottles for a while now.
The next obvious step, and one that my back will be most grateful about, is the laundry. Why am I constantly laundering the same five sweat shirts? It’s my sweat. I’m the only one who ever sees me, again, we can probably fit in a whole other television series in the time saved from all this unnecessary washing of things.
Oh, the second real breakthrough: I will insult a person’s mom without a second thought now. Like, I don’t even care if their mom is dead, sick or old. Piss me off, your mom is going down. Okay, this may not exactly be a “breakthrough,” so much as an observation.