Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for September, 2011

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY AT A-STIN-TOE!

Thursday, September 29th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

So, if Astin were in Brooklyn, I would totally make him a chocolate chip cookie dough caramel ice cream cake with a mini Toronto Maple Leafs jersey Astin on top and a fancy cocktail beverage and home shucked popcorn, but ALAS, he’s not, so I didn’t.

Um… actually, let’s go ahead and say I totally did. And it was all awesome and tasty and frankly, I cannot believe he didn’t show up for his Brooklyn birthday! And they say Canadians are polite, HMPH!

Anyway, since he so rudely missed his Brooklyn birthday, I will, instead, write a post filled with lies in honor of my second…er…third favorite Torontonian (You just slightly nudge out Chinese Pete because he bad beat me in the WPBT last year… though, you even worse beat me in the Eh Vegas tournament two years ago…), fourth favorite Torontonian and third best Filmchaw posterer, who totally copies me all the time.

May your day be awesome, your Nyquil be fresh and your fancy talking ligers not eat your face!

Now, stop being scared and come back to Atlantic City! Not that I’m in Atlantic City now…because that would be crazy talk.

Happy Birthday!

Milk and Cookies New York Sucks!

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

So, I saw a tweet about this place a month ago and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since, so today, when I found out I was re-employed (yay…boo…) I decided to go get one. Or four. Shut up, I don’t sit around judging you.

First off, it’s like impossible to find. It’s on a street that’s not even a street… it’s a street sign. I’m not kidding.

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I walk in, sauntering over to the counter, which is filled with lots of bell jar glass covered treats like moon pies and rice krispie treats and the like.

“Hi,” I say all perky and friendly-like.

“Can you give us five or ten minutes,” the hipster girl behind the counter says.

Um.

“Yeah, sure.”

The place is empty and I take a seat at one of the wooden tables. The joint smells amazing! I am sitting there thinking “oh man, these cookies are going to come straight out of the oven and they’re going to be warm and melty…deeeellliiccciiooouusss!”

Five minutes pass and I start wondering…but how’d she know I wanted cookies… they also sell cupcakes which are RIGHT THERE. Or an ice cream cone, cause they sell that too. Then I start to become skeptical… jack of many trades, master of none and all that.

I continue to wait.

Finally, hipster girl is all “okay, you guys, what can I get for you?”

The one other guy who was there, got up and asked “well, what’s good”?

Effeminate super tall black guy is all “Oh my gosh, we ALWAYS get that question and I just don’t know WHAT to tell you! It’s all so good.”

So, guy gets a moon pie and a coffee with organic skim milk. The moon pie was plucked from right beneath one of the serving trays on the counter. That’s when I notice the cookies are all sitting right there too, on baking pans on a shelf.

They just made us wait while they were doing their register accounting or some other BS.

I opt for the 3 cookies for $7 “deal.” I got my standards: chocolate chip, sugar and oatmeal raisin.

The chocolate chip was awful. Like…too chocolate chippy, not enough cookie. I might as well have just eaten a cold bar of semi sweet chocolate. Fine, onward, that’s why I got an assortment.

The sugar cookie was doughy — but okay. Finally, I bite into the oatmeal raisin and it’s just a mouthful of oats (seriously, can someone invent the sugar raisin cookie? Call it “The Dawn” and give me a dime for each one you sell…most likely to me…) Anyway, I keep biting this cookie and it keeps being just oats and oats. So I start breaking the cookie into pieces… THERE IS ONLY ONE DAMN RAISIN IN THE WHOLE THING!

I AM SOOOOOO MMMAAADDD!!! I want to storm back in there and demand a new cookie.

I don’t, but I want to.

Instead, I write angry angry cookie review!

And that’s how Daawwwnnn Ceeess iiitt!

Mid life crisis Day 3

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Ironically, eating a box of Cheerios doesn’t make you any happier.

No Country for Canada

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

No Hall of Fame for Rush!

Dog kills baby

Monday, September 26th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

When will this threat finally be addressed by the government?

Public Service

Monday, September 26th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Okay, since I am officially mid life crisising (AND GODDAMIT AUTO CORRECT STOP CHANGING THAT TO CROSSING! I AM NOT MID LIFE CROSSING, THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!) AND there is NO handbook for the female mid life crisis, I have decided to chronicle my days. YOU’RE WELCOME, NORTH AMERICA and that one guy who reads me in New Zealand.

The first real breakthrough on the mid life crisis came late last night as I was washing the coffee pot… why the hell am I washing the coffee pot, I thought to myself. All that ever goes into it is coffee! The same coffee! And I’m the only one who drinks it! This is a waste of valuable mid life crisising time. There will be no more coffee pot washing in THIS home!

And then, it occurred to me the same could be said for the coffee cup, and all glasses, although, to be fair, we’ve been drinking straight from bottles for a while now.

The next obvious step, and one that my back will be most grateful about, is the laundry. Why am I constantly laundering the same five sweat shirts? It’s my sweat. I’m the only one who ever sees me, again, we can probably fit in a whole other television series in the time saved from all this unnecessary washing of things.

Oh, the second real breakthrough: I will insult a person’s mom without a second thought now. Like, I don’t even care if their mom is dead, sick or old. Piss me off, your mom is going down. Okay, this may not exactly be a “breakthrough,” so much as an observation.

Who’s got two thumbs…

Sunday, September 25th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

…and is officially in middle life crisis?!

This guy!

Seriously, the Patriots lose to the Bills, my undefeated fantasy team falls to Alceste’s self-proclaimed “worst team in the league,” because I bench the quarterback who has been so shitty for two weeks on the one week he decides to put up serious fantasy numbers, I face another week of funemployment AND well, some other stuff, and I’m done. On the upside, things aren’t as craptacular as February ’10, but on the downside, we’re comparing things to February 2010. #EPICFAIL

So where do I collect my sports car? Or is that just for men? Actually, there isn’t much of a pop culture blueprint for the female midlife crisis… well, maybe Fried Green Tomatoes… So, I guess I get to hit some twenty-something heffa with my car? But I like my car… oh, maybe that’s when I get the sports car?

Sigh. Middle life crisising is fucking hard. I’m going back to bed.

Conversation of the year

Friday, September 23rd, 2011 by Dawn Summers

So, let me get this straight, you have a guy in Vegas, who you call “Eff train,” that you wire money to for sports bets? Yeah, that’s a bookie.

Me: I do not have a BOOKIE!

She should have been IMPRISONED FOR LIFE!

Wednesday, September 21st, 2011 by Dawn Summers

What’s-her-face recklessly endangering the lives of Tom Brady’s children!

Jackie Kennedy didn’t like Dr. King

Wednesday, September 21st, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Dude, now I’m even more proud of my AP history paper titled “Camelot Schmalot: The failure of the Kennedy Presidency.”

“I just can’t see a picture of Martin Luther King without thinking, you know, that man’s terrible,” Mrs. Kennedy said, as part of an oral history series of interviews released this month. The widowed first lady soured on King as a result of secret wiretaps…