I got a call late last night to start work on a new review project. As all of my plans up to that point included “crying in my Rangers snuggie” and overeating, I accepted.
At noon, my boss walks in and says “Summers, can I talk to you”?
We step outside and he says “Rebecca is lead on this, but can you take second? It’s just for a few days, but it’s more hours and a few extra bucks.”
Okay, start your stopwatches.
Two years I’ve been doing this, two years I’ve been railing against the idiocy of team leads. I would show them that I was different, maaaan. I’m one of the people!
12:15 I’m still chilling on my phone. Blogging, tweeting, whatever, no documents are up yet. Plus, Rebecca’s a stress case. I already know I’m good cop.
1:00 Documents are in. You know what, I’m going to code with my people. They take a batch, I take a batch.
2:00 I get pulled into my first meeting. We are instructed about how we need “to watch them.” Make sure no one’s on phones and be sure to monitor the review statistics each hour. It’s a short review and “he’s counting on us to get it done.”
3:00 Okay, well, I should put my phone away. Appearances and all. Oh, I’ve got to run these reports… I can’t code this batch… I’ll put this one back, but I will definitely code with the people later in the evening.
3:30 Dude. That Chinese guy has been gone forever… Did he even sign out? Why is that lady coding so slow, these documents aren’t that hard.
5:00 I’m finding so many mistakes. All of these people suck! I speak to the boss about running searches to catch them all. I am definitely having a talking to with that Asian guy. Rebecca is all “It’s only been a few hours.” “But these are dumb mistakes. Either he’s not reading the words or he doesn’t understand the assignment. We need to find out which. And quickly.”
“Yeah, you’re right Dawn. This is only my first time doing this.”
7:00 Teleconference with the client. You know what, it’s unfair for me to code. It’d cost too much and I have bigger picture things to handle. That’s what coders are for.
9:00 I need interns. Rebecca is having a meltdown. She is killing me, killing feminism, killing America frankly. I jot her name down on my “report to President Obama” list. One coder has found an important document, and a couple of additional names to add for privilege searches, she asks if I need coffee. Yes, yes I do need coffee. You are wonderful. Not like those other riff raff coders. I shall call you Beatrice.
(Oh, does it need saying that I do not know any of their names?)
10:00 All the coders go home, Beatrice asks if there’s anything else she can do for us. We have her help out on QC. She concurs with us that everyone else is retarded.
11:00 Just Rebecca and I remain. Why is she telling me that she needs to “pump,” and attempting to show me cellphone pictures of “the baby.” *The* baby? Lady, I have 912 pictures on my cellphone, including two trips to Arizona, a football watching party and a newborn I see every week, you don’t want to play the baby pictures game with me. I will bury you.
11:15 We lock up the room. “Tough day, but tomorrow will be better,” she says hopefully.
Oh yes. Tomorrow will be better. We’re going to lay down rules for those coders. There will be accountability and punishments.
I will give them numbers reflecting their speed and accuracy. These I will use instead of their names.
That will show them who’s boss.