Clareified

Where does the good go

Dear Alex

Dear Alex,

Happy Birthday! (It’s still been less than 24 hours, so totally counts!)

Do you remember me?

I was the one waving. I do that a lot. I’m an excellent waver, I shall teach you. Everyone loves waving. Except Kearns. He’s weird. You’ll see.

So, big day, huh? There you were all comfortable and cozy when the mean people came with the knives. I know…they’re horrible. You know who sent them? Aunt Amanda. You must always remember that she is your nemesis, the source of all the bad in the world. Together we shall defeat her and her poison nuts!

Oh my gosh, so this isn’t even the first time I’ve mentioned you on my blog! Even though you’re only a day old, I wrote about you in 2006! Yeah, your mom has been talking about you since senior year of college…which, if my math is correct, was 52 years ago. Oh, you should probably also know, my math is never correct. Aunt Dawn: great waver; terrible mather. Also, mather is not a word.

Ooh, another thing… the Tiffany glass windows in your house…um…should you ever break one, feel free to blame your dad. His stupid Giants broke my heart and he owes karmic retribution to the universe, so it’s not a lie…it’s debt repayment.

On the other hand, if I’m involved in the breaking, I’m going to need you to take the rasp. I’m still on thin ice after scratching your grandma’s basement wall 12 years ago and your widdy bitty face is waaay cuter than mine!

Oh, and here’s a tip: should you ever get in trouble in daycare for failure to nap or say, knocking over Susie’s stupid blocks pyramid, you should remind your mom that she ate clams when the doctor specifically told her not to! You point out that the clams make you unable to nap and that they tell you to knock over blocks. It’s your get out of the time out chair free card! You’re welcome!

Okay, I think that’s about it. Get some rest…sorry that the food here sucks so bad right now…you’ve been spoiled with all the pizza and short ribs. But at least you don’t have to eat bananas. Bananas are AWFUL! Aunt Amanda grows them in her laboratory of evil.

Welcome to…um…the world? America is awesomesauce, New York is great and Brooklyn is the bestest! You are soooo lucky!! And we’re glad to have you!

Love,

Dawn

4 Responses to “Dear Alex”

  1. Amanda Says:

    Why would Alex even remember you? Pi says you didn’t hold him – how would he have registered your presence, seeing as how his eyes were shut most of the time and babies can’t really see clearly that young anyways. Your “visit” had as much impact on him as the visit from the head of housekeeping, who stopped by to see how Pi was doing.

    Alex and I spent the morning bonding. He just loves his auntie!

    Oh, btw, Pi and I picked out kids names, specifically Alex, in freshman year astronomy class. Just sayin’

  2. Dawn Summers Says:

    Oh, he opened his left eye when I asked him to. And he’s not a morning baby, he only likes night guests! What you call “bonding” Alex calls “pooping.”

  3. Amanda Says:

    So basically you are saying that Alex hates dawn.

    We are in agreement then.

  4. Dawn Summers Says:

    Lol. Damn youuuu!!

Leave a Reply