Clareified

Where does the good go

I’m an aunt again!

Just when I’d decided to pack it all in and tie a giant rock to my leg for my plunge into the Hudson, the universe reminds me that I cannot leave a helpless newborn in the hands of a Giants/Yankees fan! I have serious responsibilities!

Congratulations to me! Oh wait, I’ve buried the lede again, haven’t I? Dang it, I hate when I do that. Let me start over…

Pi and Peih had a beautiful bouncing baby boy (I don’t know where that saying comes from. Newborns do not bounce. Like…not even a little.) today. (Yes, *today*! Remember how we worried about getting one of those February babies…not so much. Young Alex (middle name to be determined, so I’m going to go ahead and say ‘Stephen’) Tzuo actually seems to have planned a summer birth for himself.

I keep telling Pi she is too good a host. No one ever wants to leave.

But this morning circa 6:14 am, he was served with eviction papers, an appellate judge denied his motion for an emergency stay and he was all bornded this morning.

I went to see him today…um…I mean to see Pi, you know, how she was doing and stuff…*whistles*

I get to the hospital, (it’s on Fifth Avenue! Right off Central Park!! Pi had a fancy schmancy Museum Mile baby.) but I can’t find the email with Pi’s room number, so I just walk into the lobby and tell the guard who I’m here to see.

“Is she a patient here?”
O_o
“Yes.”
“Is she having a baby?”
“Um…she had the baby already.”
“She had the baby at this hospital?”
Oh my god, I’m going to jump across this desk and beat you to death. Though I fear that since we are in a hospital, they might be able to revive your stupid ass.
Finally, he looks at the damn patient list, finds her name and gives me the room number.

I get in the elevator and it stops five seconds later at the second floor.

Ugh!

A young nurse gets in pushing a baby in an incubator.

A black nurse in the elevator holds the doors open till she pulls the incubator completely inside the elevator.

“You going upstairs”?

The young nurse laughs.
“No, I’m going downstairs and I’m taking this little guy home with me.”

I snickered and gave her what I thought was a look of approval. You ask a stupid question, you get what you get, I say.
But she doesn’t get that vibe, so she says “I’m just kidding. I’m single and I like to mingle. Can’t have a baby to slow my roll.”
She is as white as can be and for some reason, when she says “Slow my roll” I lose it and dissolve into hysterics.

This must have made me seem youthful, because then she says “It’s true. Working here is total birth control. You and your friends at school would never have kids at your age if you are around babies all day.”

I’m laughing even harder now. Finally, the elevator stops at the fifth floor and she is pushing the baby in the same direction I am going. I look inside, it doesn’t look like a very Chinese-y baby. She peels away a few doors down and goes into a room labeled “nursery.” I peek inside. I don’t see any Chinese-y babies in there at all.

I get to Pi’s room and I see Peih sitting on a chair.

“Dawn is here.”

I hear an unfamiliar female voice in the background.

I see Pi on the bed and she’s got the baby in her arms!

He’s SOOOOOOO ADORABLE!!


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The nurse was asking them if they wanted the baby to sleep in the room or if they were going to keep him in the nursery.

“Um. I think the nursery makes the most sense,” Pi says.

The nursery?! Outrageous! That’s where they keep the rif raff newborns. I got a look at those hooligans on my way in!

“Dude! How do you know you’ll get the right baby back,” I asked when the nurse left. Evidently, they have these electronic wristband thingies.

“Is he bigger than the other babies in there? Can he take ’em if something goes down?” These are important questions.

I was Alexander’s first visitor. He was very excited to see me as evidenced by his lip twitch and eyebrow movement.

“He totally has Chinese eyes!”

“He’s sleeping, Dawn.”

“Oh…so all babies have Chinese eyes when they’re sleeping?”

Dude. How am I supposed to know? I’m a young kid in school.

About ten minutes later, Pi’s parents come back with her cousin. We’re milling around and Pi goes “Does anyone want to hold the baby?”

Her cousin, who is in her early twenties is all “no way!”

I’m all “I still have post traumatic stress disorder from dropping Wygant on his head.”

HER MOM goes “No, I’m scared. He’s so small.”

I laugh and don’t feel so bad.

So then Peih is all “I’ll take him.” And Pi is all “nu uh. Anybody else…seriously…going once…”

L.O.L.

The dad finally got his hands on the boy:


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And five minutes later what is he doing:


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“What? We have a fantasy baseball draft in fifteen minutes!” (Peih and Pi won my fantasy football league this year with the annoyingly named “Team Beating Dawn.”)

Uncle Vatnak joined us about 30 minutes later. Vatnak is pushing for Alex’s middle name to be Charlemagne. I can’t lie…that would be all kinds of awesome.

“Dude, there’s no security at all in this place! I just walked right in,” he says.

I glare. And make a mental note to find a certain annoying security guard at some future date. In a dark dark alley.

Then we sang Happy Birthday for Alex “improvising “Dear Alexander Charlemagne/ Dear Alexander Stephen” Happy Birthday to you!”

“Heeey, it’s actually his birthday! Like literally! Cause he was born today.” I’ve edited this portion of the visit down as no one else seemed as intrigued by this as I was. But seriously! IT’S HIS BIRTH DAY! AND HIS BIRTHDAY! DUUUUDEE!! (Sadly, this is still an edited version.)

“So…March 29th, huh?”

“Two prime numbers!”

“Nerd.”

“We should call him Xander. Like from Buffy,” Uncle Vatnak said.

“No way!”

“Why?”

Why? Because there is already a baby Xander and it would just be confusing on the blog.

“Because I said so. His name is Alex. As I reported his name would be back in 2006.”

“You know, he’s the youngest person I’ve ever met! Is he the youngest person you’ve ever met?”

Vatnak thinks about it for like five minutes.

“Dude. The kid is 16 hours old, what could you possibly be thinking about?”

“16 hours? He was born at 6:15…it’s 8 o’clock…”

“Look people, I’m black. Not Asian.” #Rude

Pi’s mom asked me which parent I thought the boy looked like, at first I didn’t think he looked like either of them (mostly cause all Asian people look alike #races), but looking at this photo, he totally looks like his dad:


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“He’s just like Peih. He was late and he’s lazy,” Pi opined.

However, she also pointed at my adorable baby nephew and said “that whole thing was inside my body!” And not in a fond reminiscing way either. #RUUUDEEE

Oh and I totally changed my first diaper. By which I mean I handed Pi a new diaper out of the drawer. AND A TOWEL! For swaddling. I would show you, but Pi refused to let me take of picture of “his thing.”

Giggle giggle.

“So how long are in you in here?”

“Till Saturday, but I want to see if I can leave on Friday.”

“Why? What’s the rush.”

“It’s costing me $5000 a night for this private room.”

O_O

“What the fuck? You could be staying at the Ritz,” I exclaimed and then added “watch your language around the baby.” #Badinfluence

We hung out until it was time for the baby feeding. Which I learned isn’t really feeding at all and my poor nephew will be starved for the first three days of his life. Poor baby…I’ll bring you a hotdog next time I see you.

Oh and I don’t know if you know this, but newborns don’t do anything. This made for a number of really uninteresting videos until Vatnak and I successfully got him to cry and then he cried and cried and I began my campaign of blaming it all on Aunt Amanda!


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War is fun.

6 Responses to “I’m an aunt again!”

  1. KJ Says:

    Congratulations Peih and Pi!!! And Happy belated birthday Alex!

  2. Gib Says:

    Good looking kid! And Baby Xander says thanks for sticking up for him. He was either saying thanks or singing “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.” Definitely one of those things.

    And the window of when it stops being OK to curse around the baby is about three months (if you ask me) or two years, three and a half months and counting (my wife.)

  3. Dawn Summers Says:

    Aww, Xander singing?! Video or it didn’t happen!!

  4. Mary Says:

    Congrats to Pi and Peih and rabbit baby Alexander!

  5. Pdov Says:

    Congrats to the new expanded family! Alex is adorable! Alos, pulling a Dawn is totally a thing! #awesome

  6. Pearatty Says:

    Congratulations baby Peih-Pi! That’s a pretty cute baby. Cesarean babies are the cutest.

    When you find out when you have to stop swearing around the kid, let me know. Also, when you have to stop saying “that’s what she said”, because let me tell you, opportunities are rife for TWSS around a baby.

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