Clareified

Where does the good go

Winning the baby shower and other things I did last week

The day before the shower, Amanda drove down to make the desserts and eat DiFara’s.

It was a Saturday night, so I took my time getting there since I figured the place would be packed. Imagine my surprise to find Pi and Amanda seated at a table, while Peih waited at the counter for the first pie. Yes, four people equals two pies when one of them is seventeen months pregnant. The place was empty and not at all brutally hot.
So this was my defining DiFara’s moment. The last three times I’ve had it, I was disappointed, but I kept making excuses. I was tired from standing too long; it was cold; I shouldn’t have gotten slices… But here was a pie, fresh out of the oven, served to me while I was seated, and it was still just okay.

To be fair, it was a sicilian and I don’t…no! No more excuses! It’s just not as good as it used to be. Heck, I don’t even know if I’d say it was even good. *Dodges lightning bolt*

Something changed and not for the better.

Incidentally, DiFara’s, once shutdown for a month due to health code violations, now proudly boasts an A grade from the Department of Health. Leading me to wonder if my joke lo those many years ago wasn’t the truth. “Look, DiFara’s is deeelicious. If mouse droppings are the secret ingredient, they’re the secret ingredient. Whatre ya gonna do?”

After dinner, we went back to Pi mansion to and I quote “have fun.”

30 minutes and forty hand washed champagne glasses later, I announced that clearly no one in the mansion understands what the word “fun” means.

“Let’s play Risk!”
“No, it gets too competitive,” Pi says.

O_o

Dude, you do understand that Amanda and I are competing in “baby shower,” right now, yes?

So we decided to play this thing called Settlers of Catan.

It took an hour to get out of the box, another hour to assemble and then forty minutes for them to re-explain to me what the hell the goal was.

Ore.

The goal is to get lots and lots of ore. And steal your neighbor’s sheep. I was good at that part. #races

I also builded roads good! #stillraces

We had the NBA slam dunk competition on in the background. I started to tell them about the racist CNN article hyping the all-star game as “Black Thanksgiving,” but instead of sharing my outrage, they were all “Huh. Yeah, that makes sense. Happy Thanksgiving, Dawn and Amanda.”
#ruuuudddee
My little Chinese nephew is going to be so racist.
I went home and was instructed to be back at 5 a.m. for setting up.

I laughed. A lot.

The next morning, at the perfectly respectable hour of 11 a.m., I walked over there from my house. Oh, and how did I manage to get out of bed, walk to the hallway and then faceplant into the floor? Who finds a way to slip and fall on carpet? #Thisguy My arm still really hurts! And my knee. Waaa.

Anyway, I brought over the fancy Trimbach Riesling that Grange recommended. It was awful. I tweeted that and the company tweeted back that it was probably a defective cork issue. I responded that they should give me a free bottle then. No reply.

Anyway, since I walked to the party, I felt quite comfortable drinking as much as I wanted. Ooh, you know what my new favorite thing is? Lagavullin. Or Lavagullin. Something with an L and an ullin. It tastes smokey. “I think you mean ‘peaty.'” – Pi.

Then Amanda was all “you were supposed to be here at FIVE! Why are you drinking already?!”

If anyone asks, the Amanda/Dawn rivalry began when upon discovering I was allergic to peanuts, she decided to rub a fistful on my arm “just to see what would happen.”

It’s the best place to start because you immediately know that she’s the villain and should never triumph. Plus, she drives a porsche and lives in Connecticut! Oh, and she’s mostly Republican!

After I easily beat her in the head bridesmaid battle of aught eight, she’s been totally out to get me.  (I do so love the word aught.) During the baby shower planning brunch, I made one request! ONE! No damn hell ass coconut cake. And I wanted madeleines. So two. Two little requests!

And did I get madeleines? No. No I did NOT! Instead, there was coconut almond cake and Chocolate cupcakes! Arrrrgghh.


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“This is war, Amanda! I will now turn this baby against you! Whatever he hates, I will tell him, YOU invented it! ‘Aw, did the doctor stick you with a needle and hurt you? Aunt Amanda told her to do it.’

WAR!

Pi was all worried that no one was going to come to her shower, which is just plain silly. Free food and open bar wins every time.

I got there early enough to bogart the TV for the Rangers game. This was the day a dozen little children learned the phrase “Come ON, Rangers! You’re kiiiiilllllliiiinnnnngg mmmeeeeeeee.”


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(I was about to tweet that photo to Al Can’t Hang…when it all went to hell.)

Seriously, children repeating what you say equals immediate hilarity.

Five year old girl: So now we don’t like them?
Me: No, we still like them. But they have to sit in the time out chair.
FYOG: And think about why they were bad.
Me: YES! They need to think about why they are so bad.

After passing on the Rangers tradition of losing to the next generation, it was on to corrupting them.

One of Pi’s friends brought her daughters in matching white dresses. She was telling the older one to be careful to not get herself dirty. O_o

“But if you don’t get dirty, how will you know you had fun?!”

As the kid stared at the chocolate cupcake in her undersized hand, I could see mulling the truth of my assertion. Her mother read the same expression.

“Don’t listen to Dawn, she’s just being silly. Now sit carefully.”


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To me she said “you clearly don’t have children,” and glared.

I was about to respond, when the mother of the little boy I taught the “we want pie” chant in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner last year said “oh, kids LOVE Dawn. She’s fun.”

It’s true. They do. I am. But honestly! “Don’t get dirty?” THE HELL? Fact is little kid clothes should come in two colors “dirty” and “stained.” Dude. *My* clothes should come the same way! Who needs the extra pressure?

The party was fun, I guess. I have calculated that I can handle a room full of strangers for exactly 1 hour and 59 minutes. Two hours and 59 minutes if there is a sporting event involved. It was a co-ed shower, so Peih’s friends were there too.

“So you know that guy that tried to give a funnier toast than me at your wedding…”

“He did give a funnier toast than you at my wedding.”

O_O

“No, your toast was very funny too, but…”

O_O

“Okay, yep, the guy that tried to give a funnier toast than you at my wedding. His name is Josh.”

“No, his name is second funniest toast at your wedding guy. KEEP UP!”

Anyway, I told the guys to give me a manly pose, this is what they came up with:


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I am so going to be the strong male role model in my Chinese nephews life.

I was watching the Chicago hockey game when Amanda came out and was all “I should have known that on Black Thanksgiving, you’d be out here watching hockey.” And then she shook her evil head at me.

“‘Poor baby, are your teeth hurting? Aunt Amanda is making them do that!'”
WAR!!!

Around 5, I wasn’t the only anti-social person dying of society. Amanda and Vatnak joined me in the kitchen and we plotted how to make the rest of people leave with starting an actual fire.

“We could just tell them there’s a fire.”

Finally, the last guest left around 6:30. That’s when we opened all the presents! The very first gift was a glow in the dark thermometer for the baby’s room. Now, I realize I don’t have children, so the importance of keeping the child’s room at a temperature that can be discerned in the dark is lost on me, but… um O_O

And after my ten minute rant on the usefulness of a glow in the dark thermometer for the baby’s room, (I mean, it’s not a thermostat, you can’t adjust the temperature with it, all you do, is walk into the dark baby’s room and go “65 degrees. Okay!”) Pi was all “and this is why we couldn’t open the gifts with people here.”
#Truestory #Dawnisajerkface #BUTCOMEONATHERMOMETER?!

Most of the other presents were awesomely adorable though:


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(I do NOT approve of the decorations.)

At the end of the night, of course, we break out the Risk board:


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I was blue. Look at that world domination! Look at it! I controlled Asia AND Australia. How did I lose??? HOOOWWWW??? Ugh. And yes, it was super competitive. Pi’s cousin and her boyfriend played with us and I felt so bad cause they had NO idea what they were in for. Oh, and because I’m not officially a bad influence until…

I started the “baby will be born on” pool. I put five bucks on March 8th. Mostly, we’re all just hoping she clears this month so we don’t get one of those weird February babies.

#noshade

*whistles*

12 Responses to “Winning the baby shower and other things I did last week”

  1. F-Train Says:

    How do you have friends? Hooooow? You are undoubtedly the worst person in the world – and I’ve seen a lot of the world.

  2. Dawn Summers Says:

    @ftrain

    I am friends with bad bad people. They know what they did to deserve me and put in their time until their sentence is served. How screwed are you?!

  3. Pearatty Says:

    I totally agree that kid’s clothes should be for getting dirty.

  4. VinNay Says:

    No, Dawn is just like cigarettes.

  5. Dawn Summers Says:

    Yes! Because cigarettes are the best! Wait a minute… I do not like this turn of events. I do not like this turn of events one bit!

  6. Very Josie Says:

    Hi Dawn!! Please please please play Survive Donkey Island tonight! We need you!

  7. Astin Says:

    So you hadn’t had Lagavulin before? Must I educate the ENTIRE world?

    Kids clothes are made for getting dirty. Kids are made for getting dirty. Mom should have a Costco-sized container of wetnaps in her gigantic kid bag.

  8. Casca Says:

    I see the passing years have made you much more interesting, LMAO!

  9. pi Says:

    I think you had more than one slice of that “awful” sicilian pie. And you forgot to mention who won at BOTH Settlers of Catan and Risk. Pregnanyc brain my ass. . .

  10. Dawn Summers Says:

    I didn’t forget. Grrr

  11. Ananda Says:

    How did you like the food served at the baby shower then? I made sure to add extra rat droppings to everything.

  12. Dawn Summers Says:

    WAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

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