Clareified

Where does the good go

Dawn versus the machine

First of all, I assure you that I totally know how to make coffee at home. I’ve been doing it since I was two…this exercise has just been *theater* to entertain my readers! I mean honestly, who doesn’t know how to make coffee? Plus, my grandparents were born in Colombia, so I super duper know how to make coffee! And how to kill you five different ways with a machete.

Okay, so now that we are all on the same Dawn-is-a-fully-functioning-coffee-maker-in-society, let’s follow her awesome learn how to make coffee at home adventure. I mean, learn again, cause she forgot a little bit from her ample toddler coffee making experience. Oh, and speaking of toddlers, all of my fake nephews failed “Having a spinster fake aunt 101” today and now the July final exam counts double! #Rude #mymommystilllovesme #andmystalkerbutthatslessawesome

Okay, coffee.

So, I found this machine yesterday:


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(Actually, I found a BUNCH of machines. Have I ever written about my mother’s Home Shopping Network problem? Google it. The first year I had my apartment, I would come home to find a daily box from HSN with some bullcrap doohickey that I’d just shove in a closet. AND THEN she’d come over and NOT see the George Foreman grill, assume she didn’t get me one and then buy another one and have it shipped. OY.)

(I also found this:


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)

These are the instructions:


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No way am I grappling with that, but since I’m working again, I’d like to have fresh coffee in my home — um…just like I did when I was a baby. *Clears throat*

Now, even though coffee making is practically in my blood, I decided to follow Astin’s directions. Kinda. I chose Folgers vanilla coffee cause Folgers has commercials and Illy just sounds like it’ll make you ill…like his revenge for the ebola for which he keeps blaming me. (Speaking of which, when is someone going to write a post about my magical HSBC Arena hockey powers? AND THEM MOVING THE FREAKING RINK JUST TO PISS ME OFF?)

Next Astin said to get filters. Well, evidently, America no longer makes filters. Or sells filters. Or will even entertain a conversation about filters.

“Excuse me, sir. Do you sell coffee filters?”
“SHHH. What’re ye trying to do, girl? Get me shut down? Now git!”

Perhaps, the problem was searching for filters in the Old West. Oh and did you guys know that while I cannot find any filters at all, white people get GOLD FILTERS??

Anyway, I finally find filters at the local “bodega.” (Quotes cause it’s clearly just a front for money laundering. They don’t sell anything that expires and they only have one of each item on the shelf.

Shay. Dee.

But seriously, what the hell? Six Duane Reades, a CVS and a Walgreens = no coffee filters? Does Obama know about this? Maybe we’re not in a recession at all, stores just aren’t selling stuff people want to buy, so all the money is going to the money laundering operation that doesn’t need it!

(Oh man, if I disappear, you guys tell the FBI about this post!)

Okay, so we have all the coffee making ingredients.

We wash the coffee making device.


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I consider the wisdom of drinking coffee at nine pm when I have to be in prison bright and early tomorrow morning: Low.

But moving on, we can’t have the test run in the morning when we need the coffee, right?

I went with double the dose Astin suggested cause I likes my coffee strong.

I open up my newly bought bag of spanish filters, stick it in the thingy, latch the other part on top of the glass pot and insert the plug into the out-let? *Glares in a northern direction*


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It started to fog and sizzle in a threatening way, so I ran.


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When I didn’t hear any exploding, I went back to see a nice little pool of correctly colored liquid collecting on the bottom of the pot.


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Success!

It took about six minutes and when it stopped dripping, I steamed up some milk, and poured myself a cup.


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Um… I didn’t exactly spit it out…but I didn’t exactly drink it either.

It was still really weak, but it was also cold. I think I need to let it set in the pot for like an hour to heat up.

But all in all, it was pretty easy to do and I thank Astin for the assistance.

Hopefully, tomorrow morning’s pot will be better. I’ll need it. Did I mention I work in prison?

*Headdesk*

Coming next week: What does the magic bullet do?!

20 Responses to “Dawn versus the machine”

  1. April Says:

    Can’t we sell this machine and get you one of the nice new pod ones? How in the hell did brewed coffee end up cold, unless you ran REALLY far away and took like an hour to get back home. Clearly this machine is brokes.

  2. Astin Says:

    Ewww… pod machines are the devil’s creation meant to sully the name “coffee” so that people think it’s a foul concoction of pure disgusting.

    But yah – why was it cold? That’s crazy. Cold would also equate to weak, since you need HOT water to extract all the coffee goodness.

    Also, that DOES look like a plastic filter…

  3. Dawn Summers Says:

    So, I didn’t need to buy filters! I KNEW @astinto was out to get me!

  4. Jamie Says:

    Wrong blog, I know, but something you’ll appreciate: http://www.cracked.com/article_19014_how-to-lose-at-scrabble-with-dignity-5Bcomic5D.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+CrackedRSS+%28Cracked%3A+All+Posts%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

  5. Jamie Says:

    Back on topic, if you ever get a working coffee machine, it can double as an oven!: http://www.geekosystem.com/coffee-maker-food/

  6. Jordan Says:

    When will you provide an instructional guide on how to kill someone 5 ways with a machete?

  7. April Says:

    Astin, I don’t want to argue with you on coffee making, no matter how much to do so would amuse Dawn. However, I am primarily concerned with her getting the substance in her body in the most efficient and easy way possible. Less fire risk that way.

  8. Chilly Says:

    1. The thing on the right, in the fourth picture, in the dishwasher, is a filter.
    2. Folgers isn’t real coffee.
    3. If you had any real friends they would have taken 5 minutes, bought you a burr grinder, some real beans and shown you how to make coffee. While its not that hard its not easy to get right either.
    4. You sure are funny.

  9. Mary Says:

    What the hell kind of coffee maker is that? Is it an easy-bake oven/coffee maker? Can you bake a wee cake while cold brewing your coffee?

    I’m interested in trying this method of coffee making:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/magazine/13Food-t-000.html?scp=2&sq=coffee&st=cse

    I typically use my French press to make coffee. And I have a gold filter for my coffee maker. #races

  10. Mark Says:

    You needs to gets youself a nice French press.

  11. Astin Says:

    April – fair enough, I just have a severe bias against pods.

    Chilly – That would require physically teaching Dawn something instead of just typing. When she gets to Toronto, I’ll give a class with my green beans, roaster and burr grinder. Then we’ll do samples of espresso, drip through a cotton filter, French press, and Turkish coffee.* But for now, she has an easy-bake oven coffee machine :).

    Dawn – yes, yes I was. Next time, post pictures first. On the plus side, you don’t want to clean that plastic filter every time, do you?

    *Note: This comment is no way a guarantee I’ll actually show Dawn any of this stuff.

  12. dawn summers Says:

    *Note: This comment is no way a guarantee I’ll actually show Dawn any of this stuff.

    You learned your lesson from the caramel cake promises of aught nine, didn’t ya?

  13. Smokey Says:

    So, you may be right about The Man creating a shortage of coffee filters. I recently had a yard sale to raise money for the big day, and you know what sold pretty quickly? Yup, the open box of old paper coffee filters I didn’t need anymore. That’s cause I got me a nice gold one… j/k I’m on the French Press side of this argument.

  14. Chilly Says:

    Dawn- I will totally teach you how to make coffee the next time I see you. To the rest, please stop trying to confuse her. Let her get her training wheels on with a nice, easy drip process, move to grinding her own, on to a french press and home roast.

    Dawn they are thrusting the equivalent of talking to you about HORSE when you only know Go Fish.

    Knowing Dawn we’re a mere 16 days from the premier of “DAWN COFFEE BLOG”!!!

  15. Pearatty Says:

    WTH? I left a comment here yesterday, telling you that plastic thing was a filter. What happened to my comment!?

  16. Jamie Says:

    In preparation for next week’s topic:

    The Magic Bullet strikes the user in the throat, makes a 90 degree turn (in mid-air, mind you), and lodges itself in Governor Connally’s leg.

    That, my friends, is one Magic Bullet.

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