Clareified

Where does the good go

So…

Pi pulled strings to get me a new job AND she’s driving me into the office tomorrow morning. Do I need to give myself a wedgie, punch myself in the face or steal my own lunch money?

In other news, I found a coffee maker in my closet and have decided that 35 is the age at which one learns to make ones own coffee…unfortunately, I can’t find the directions for it… is it as simple as it appears to be?

What’s the worst that could happen? And how quickly will I know that the worst has happened? Will it be obvious that I shouldn’t drink it or will it look fine but then poison me? Incidentally, I also found an Italian press (instructions for which are unhelpfully and curiously in Russian or Czech or some other language with a weird alphabet)…but I learned from Pearatty’s house that you use that second.

Feel free to answer and all of these questions… oh wait…I have to buy coffee first, right? Like in a bag? What do I need to get? Beans? or ground up? Hell does this all work?? Okay, maybe 36 is the age at which one learns to make coffee…

16 Responses to “So…”

  1. Drobbski Says:

    Ground beans filters water sugar/milk

  2. Drobbski Says:

    I didn’t know about filters the first time I tried. Messy.

  3. Gerard Says:

    Soda, water, juice, milk. If pressed, tea.

    I’ll drink coffee at the barrel of a gun.

  4. Dawn Summers Says:

    Wait, my thing has a plastic filter cone thingy…

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Plastic filter thingy is good. A couple of scoops (about 4 to 6 table spoons) should do for about 8 cups which are really 2 big servings. Only problem is if coffee doesn’t fall into pot. Messy!

  6. Vero Says:

    Plastic filter thingy is good. A couple of scoops (about 4 to 6 table spoons) should do for about 8 cups which are really 2 big servings. Only problem is if coffee doesn’t fall into pot. Messy!

  7. Astin Says:

    I don’t know anything about coffee.

    Wait. That’s one of those lie things.

    Easiest method? Take the whole machine in both hands and deposit into garbage. Then visit local coffee shop and order “a coffee”.

    Second easiest method: Buy filters (I’d tell you do buy a permanent gold filter, but if you suck at this, the paper ones are cheaper). The plastic cone thingee I’m GUESSING isn’t actually a filter (does it have any sort of method of stopping the grounds from going in the pot?) but a holder. Buy a bag or tin of ground coffee (because we’re starting simple here). Buy a good brand like Illy. DON’T buy instant coffee. Put ONE filter in the filtery part of the machine. Put a tablespoon (they might even have instructions on the bag of coffee!) of grounds per cup of coffee you want in the filter. Fill the carafe (that’s the glass part) with water to the level you want (see the markings? they indicate how many cups). Pour it into the water chamber (NOT the same place you put the coffee grounds), put the pot back in the machine, and turn it on. Oh, make sure it’s plugged in. In a few minutes, you should start seeing drips of coffee come out and into the pot.

    Also, steam, gurgling, and the smell of coffee should be noticeable.

    Things that could go wrong:

    Filters don’t fit: You bought the wrong kind. There are a few types, make sure you get the ones that fit your machine. It SOUNDS like you want a CONE filter, not a basket one.

    Light doesn’t turn on (assuming there’s a light): Plug it in

    Coffee doesn’t come out, but the light is on: Did you put the water in?

    Coffee is all over your countertop: I told you to put the pot back in the machine. You know, UNDER the part the coffee comes out of

    Your mouth burns: It’s HOT coffee, you have to let it cool before drinking

    Coffee tastes funny: Did you buy tea instead? Kool-Aid?

    Coffee is black, but I like it beige and sweet: You also need cream and sugar if you like destroying a perfectly good beverage

    Hey, post so pics of the machine. Might help.

  8. Dawn Summers Says:

    Lol. I hate you soooo much right now @astinto! *prints out comment in extra large font*

  9. pearatty Says:

    Yes, listen to Astin. Making coffee is easy. The plastic cone thing is not a filter. You need a filter. The gold cone filters make better coffee, and are cheaper in the long run because they’re reusable, but you have to wash them. Paper filters you just pull out and throw away with the wet grounds. Or you can dump the wet grounds in your flower boxes, if you still have those.

    You can do this. Suze Orman would be proud.

  10. F-Train Says:

    Astin’s comment is full of so much win.

  11. Tae Says:

    Best how-to comment EVER!

    I vote for paper filters. I hated cleaning the gold one.

  12. Astin Says:

    Oh, one more thing – the 1 tablespoon per cup is a starting point. If you find the coffee weak, use more. If it’s too strong, then you’re a wimp.

    Back in my days of drip machines and bags of grounds, I liked 2 tablespoons per cup.

  13. Alceste Says:

    Also, if you have a plastic cone, you will probably need to buy small cone-shaped paper filters, not the standard flat-bottomed filters that are common in standard coffee machines. (I actually may have a bunch of them I can give you somewhere, as I no longer needed them once I moved in with Dawn 2 and her magical gold cone filter — of course, this was 5-6 years ago, but since I never throw anything away, I am sure they are around somewhere.)

  14. Dawn Summers Says:

    The hell?? The white Dawns get gold filters??? I want a damn hell ass GOLD FILTER TOO!!! #races #tellingObama

  15. Pearatty Says:

    Dawn:
    As noted in the comments above, the gold filters are not for the energy challenged. You have to dump the grounds out and wash them out. The paper filters are easier — you just throw them away when you’re done. We’re just looking out for you.

  16. Dawn Summers Says:

    Uh huh. Just like my ancestors were getting free cruises across the atlantic?! I’m on to you people! I want my gold filter!

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