Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for January, 2011

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Friday, January 14th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

This is one of those lame “I don’t have anything to blog about” posts. Cause I don’t have anything to blog about. Well, I do. But they’re pokery stuff and you don’t care about that. Plus, I’ve been distracted and not even posting about the pokery stuff.

Um. So yeah, the New England Patriots have a huge game coming up on Sunday. I really really really want them to win. I want them to win so bad. And I kind of want them to put a couple of Jets in comas for good measure. You know, just to send a message to Pittsburgh or Baltimore that they can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

I’m trying not to think about it. But it’s like that elephant thing.

Anyway, I know you are all rooting for the Patriots too, so here’s some Tom Brady p0rn to tide you over till the big day:

via Pats Propaganda

The lady and the toddler

Monday, January 10th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

My playdate with The Kid was a roaring success!! As I said to Ugarles, I kept the boy entertained AND alive, so…total win!

He and his dad showed up in their game day colors:
ugarlesnboy

(How ridiculously adorable is this photo? Jaysus!)

The Kid looked at me in my Yale sweatshirt (oh, yes, subliminal message INTENDED!) and asked “where is your Saints shirt?” I’m NOT making that up. My mortal enemy is a genius. So I politely say “Oh, I don’t have a Saints shirt. My team is WAY better than the Saints. We have three superbowl rings, you only have one.”
“Dawn, you can’t needle a two-year-old,” Ugarles protests.
“Pshaw. I can and I WILL. Plus, he’s two and a half, he can handle it.”

The Saints jumped out to a crazy lead, so I was only half paying attention to the game. Mostly I was watching Kermit videos with The Kid. Er… I mean… supervising his Kermit video watching cause he’s little and might get hurt by…um…being too close to the screen. I most DEFINITELY was not going “aww man,” when Ugarles put on the stupid commercial for helmets Humpty Dumpty video instead of the awesome Humpty Dumpty video with the horses. NOT. That DID NOT happen.

Stuff that also didn’t happen? The Kid has these bendable magnetic tiles and he hands me a stack of them and says “make me a box.” I am bending and sliding and trying to get them to hold together, but I cannot for the life of me make them into a box. So, I make it into a triangle and tell him it’s a triangle shaped box. Later on, we were eating snow cones and I got a wicked brain freeze, which happens to me all the time, and I was worried that the repeated snow cone brain freezing is what has impeded my box building abilities. I voiced this aloud to Ugarles and he gave me a look. At which point, I pointed to my sweatshirt and said “what does it say on there?!” No…really…what does it say, my ability to read also seems to have been stunted.

The Kid then decided to build me a family out of his magnetic tiles: “That’s Dawn’s Mommy and that’s her daddy.”

“Oh, sorry, he doesn’t know,” Ugarles chimes in, “I’ll take the daddy one away later.”

#RUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEE also #RRAACCCEEESSSS (Aside: I was on twitter about a month ago (no duh, when am I NOT on twitter. #RUUUDDEEE) and LIL Bow wow tweeted that if the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Michael Vick, was not named league MVP, it would go to show that the NFL was “races.” RACES! Oh. MY. GAWD. Of course, this is now my new favorite Clareifiedism. Learn it, love it, use it. You’re welcome.)

The Kid then built me a sister and helped clean up the apartment:
helper

By this point, the Saints were no longer enjoying quite the lead they had been…in fact, one might say they were enjoying a negative lead. I asked The Kid who was going to win: “The Saints or the Seahawks”?

He thought about it and then said “The Seahawks.”

“Oh snap. He just picked the Seahawks!”

“No, he didn’t! He said “The Seahorse,” Ugarles replied.

I gave him this face: O_O

“Ok fine…he did have another option there that he didn’t go with…but still. He said seahorse! Hmph.”

I was working in Atlantic City when Ugarles texted to ask if he and The Kid could come over, so I had to troll the gift shops at the casino looking for a present to give him. Surprisingly, the gift shops have a wide array of children’s toys. As I thought through the reasons for this, I became sad. Dang degenerate gambling fathers who forget their kids’ birthdays!

But I got the boy a musical giraffe:


(Note to self: Give the child the annoying music playing toy when he’s about to go home!)

I was teaching him what the animal was and Ugarles was all “he KNOWS GIRAFFE! But that thing doesn’t have the long neck! It’s like a spotted dog!”

(People get testy when their team is bounced from the playoffs by a team with a losing record!)

When it was time for The Kid’s snack, Ugarles asked if I had a bib handy. I did not, however, I did have piles and piles of free Full Tilt t-shirt’s from the WPBT, so we put one on him:

bigshirt

Number one observation: He still fills it out better than F-train would:
daavve

The Boy wandered into the kitchen and Ugarles said “Oh good. He’s in the room with fire and knives.”

I laughed. And then ran to get him. And then we played the chase the boy around the living room game. I won in a squeaker 3-2.

But then it was time for the kid to go home:

byekid

He had been playing with my mom’s old Goofy telephone,
boyonphone

so I told him to wave goodbye to Goofy.

He turned around and waved at this guy:

kearnsandboy

#Truestory #wellplayed

Indeed, the prodigal Kearns has returned! Of course, I’m starting to suspect it’s because whenever he watches the Jets play in my apartment, they make an improbable comeback to win a close game. Also, I did not play him in Xbox Kinect. We watched football and ate ice cream. That’s all.

Stupid soccer and beach volleyball. #Races

Conversation of the day

Thursday, January 6th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

So, on Saturday, I’m watching the Seahawks make their unlikely march to the Superbowl at my apartment with Ugarles and my number one mortal enemy, young Sidney. Today we had this exchange.

Ugarles: FYI, I’m bringing Ethel on Saturday. Good luck charm. I’m sure you understand.

Me: It’s all fun and games till I  eat your cat.

Ugarles: Please. You would burn your building down preheating the microwave

Conversation of the Day

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Me: Gas is sooooooo expensive. I’m going to cry.

Vinnay: Get a prius. You can fuel it with tears.

What happens in Las Vegas…

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Excerpted from I Had Outs.

I woke up in the Flamingo completely flummoxed about where I was. And I’m not going to lie, I took longer than I should’ve to figure it out.

Oh yes.

Las Vegas.

WPBT.

Spent $200 on a fifth of Jameson’s. Oy.

I texted around to discover there were white people “golfing” and industrious souls “breakfasting.” I went back to bed. I woke up when VinNay and Alceste in rapid succession texted me that they had landed.

Okay, it’s past noon.

This is a more acceptable getting out of bed in Las Vegas time.

The three of us met up with April and Jason for brunch at Cafe Bellagio. We tried to score a seat in our favorite waiter’s section, but instead ended up in the “No orange juice for white people” section. I rather enjoyed this positioning, as I now controlled all the orange juice on the table. Actually, April did get a mimosa, leading to exasperated groans from VinNay. “Isn’t it harder to put orange juice AND champagne in a glass? Why won’t they bring me my regular orange juice?!” And then he started to cry. And I laughed. And ordered like three orange juices just so he could watch me not even drink them. I made a little orange juice moat for my bacon and eggs.

Now, before you judge me, I’ll have you know that every last one of them was making fun of me and calling me a bad poker player! Alceste, who was on my last longer team, was all “well, just do the best you can to not bust out first. No limping with queens under the gun.”

And VinNay was all “Well, don’t put that kind of pressure on her. Big field No limit hold em tournaments are not her thing.”

“Oh yeah? THAT sounds like a last longer bet, Buster!”

“Okay, how much?” he replied.

“Um…er…five bucks?!” What? Big field no limit hold em tournaments are not my thing. SHUT UP!

And Jason was all “well, all I know is I’m going to be the last one standing!”

I drink their orange juice!

Mega fantastic movie reviews!

Monday, January 3rd, 2011 by Dawn Summers

Well, movie reviews in any case.