Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for September, 2010

I’m a bad mother….. shut your mouth

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010 by Dawn Summers

It’s weird.
Growing up, probably through most of law school in fact, I was pretty certain that I was not a good person.
Moral, loyal, generous, mostly honest, but not *good.*
My “code” as it were, was your standard combo “do unto others as they do unto you” and “do not leave a paper trail.”
Ok, I just made that second one up.
But definitely, the first one.
My relationships mostly consisted of complicated ledgers, which totally resulted in my doing lots of nice things, but also lots of not so nice things, so that can’t rightly be classified as “good.” I was an accountant. Neutral *at best*!
But then somebody somewhere somehow convinced me that a person who readily admits that she is not good, might actually be really good, if not the best of all.
I probably do not need to tell you the person who convinced me of this, was me.
But now I can add “persuasive” to my lengthy list of positive attributes!
I can’t exactly tell you what led to this latest epiphany, but I know this incident was part of it.
I was watching this professional poker player on TV. He is in his mid forties and is one of the most accomplished tournament players in the business. However, he’s not so good at cash games and gets mercilessly needled about it.
On this particular day, he was playing exceptionally well. And then he got very unlucky and ended up losing almost a hundred thousand dollars on one hand. Angry about losing to this punk kid, who mocked him for being so bad, even though it was the kid who had made a mistake but gotten lucky, the player calls the kid stupid. In turn, the kid, in classic playground style goes “no, you’re stupid!”
And then the exchange takes a left turn into crazytown.
“You’re a bad winner, son,” the pro says.
Understandably, the kid is taken aback.
“How am I a bad winner? You called me stupid first!”
“And I was out of line and shouldn’t have done that. Now you need to own up to your bad behavior. That’s what men do.”
Holy entrapment, Batman! #NoOcho
Could he be right? If you can provoke someone into the gutter with you, doesn’t that make them dirty?
And makes my standard “but I didn’t start it!” way less exonerating.
Right?
I don’t know.
What I do know is I won’t change. So if I’m bad because I will not hesitate to repay bad in kind, then so be it.
I’m bad.
And I want one of these.
*Puffs imaginary cigarette in the girl’s room at recess* (Yeah, recess, I’m bad…not truant!)

I won

Monday, September 20th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

segway

I had a dream

Sunday, September 19th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

That I was the host for my friend’s baby shower. It was this huge black tie affair and she had all her bridesmaids wearing their bridesmaid’s dresses, but everyone had gotten fatter and so they were all holding them together with their hands. The groomsmen didn’t want to participate, so I had to keep yelling at them to go out on stage with their bridesmaid, all of whom were struggling in their heels, while keeping one hand behind their backs to hold the dress close.
Okay, all weird enough, but then it gets weirder!
They had hired BETTY WHITE! Except she was real frail, so I had to carry her out on stage. She did a number with these three Golden Girls impersonators!
I was SO stressed out that I was gonna drop her, but I didn’t.
And THEN I was watching an episode of Growing Pains where Mike Seaver loses his virginity to a GUY!
At this point, I started to wonder if I was dreaming cause that didn’t happen, did it? I did stop watching when they added that annoying Chrissy girl!
Anyway, so I’m yelling at the TV “what? WHAT?” (No homophobe)

Then I hear Knight Rider coming and Mary is yelling for Jesus Christ.
Though I think that really happened when Vinnay’s three am text woke her up…but who knows… I carried Betty White!

Stuff I’ve learned

Thursday, September 16th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

Tractors are not lawnmowers.

The midwest is not wholesome.

I will believe anything a woman wearing a bonnet tells me.

Pigs are not pink.

Mary is a juvenile delinquent.

My apartment is a corn palace.

Sasparilla tastes like poison.

Poetry in a pinch

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

Emily Dickinson – There is another sky

There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine, Though it be darkness there;

Never mind faded forests, Austin, Never mind silent fields –
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;

In its unfading flowers I hear the bright bee hum
Prithee, my brother, Into my garden come

Facing fears

Monday, September 13th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

I couldn’t sleep.
I watched episodes of “The Vampire Diaries” until my laptop battery died.
I stared at the ceiling of our Rapid City motel for what seemed like hours. But when I slipped out of bed to check my fantasy football scores on my Droid, I saw it had only been nineteen minutes.
Fuck.
I surfed the internet for a bit, but had to stay off twitter lest I come across True Blood spoilers and had to murder someone.
I scratched my cheek. I felt a bump.
Hmm.
My arms started to itch.
Oh. My. God.
Bedbugs!
Mary was sound asleep in the other bed. I’m pretty sure if I start screaming she’ll bludgeon me to death with her fists.
But…but…
I felt another one bite my leg! My head was itching too.
I scratched and scratched. I turned on the Droid flashlight and scoured under the covers.
I saw one slip under a crease just out of the light stream!
I ripped all the bedding off! Mary be damned! In fact, I’m saving all of our lives right now!
I swept the light across my disheveled bed… Nothing.
I went to the bathroom and washed my face and arms. I shook out the sheets and climbed back into bed.
It was already five am.
I shut my eyes.
I heard the water running. Sunlight was streaming into the room.
I opened an eye.
7:25.
I felt something on my arm. I pulled the cover back slowly and  saw the teeny black intruder. I kept perfectly still and then with one swift motion, I brought my right hand down on it…HARD!
Gotcha!
I looked at the body. I didn’t see any legs. But I would show Mary! I killed my tormentors…hmm…no guts or blood either. Bed bugs are some funny…hmm..
I touched the body.
Um.
Yeah…it was a piece of one of my own braids.
But I had murdered it! Murdered it but good!
Also, I blame Ken Wheaton for this.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL??

Friday, September 10th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

Wygant is!

Patriots '11

Our newest Patriots superfan shows his support for Brady, Welker, Moss et al in his extremely stylish onsie! He also predicts the next Patriots superbowl win in 2011! What? Look at his fingers! His fiiinnnggeeerrrrsssss.

The season for my guys opens on Sunday. Let’s carve up some Bengals and make a delicious sandwich! TO and Ocho bread with some Palmer meat.

September to Remember

Friday, September 10th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

Huh. Did anyone else realize that remember rhymes with an awful lot of our months of the year? No? Just me? Well, then YOU’RE welcome America! Um…and Canada. And possibly Mexico, if the Rooster reads this blog. Which he probably doesn’t.

The Crazies

This movie is AWESOME! And that was before I even watched the whole Deadwood series in a week and learned all about Bullock. It’s scary AS HELL, in terms of both gore and psychological thrillage… I just made that word up, didn’t I? It’s got yer government cover-ups and your shootings and burning alives, oh and yer pitchfork stabbings…AHHHHHHHH. OMG. Seriously. I screamed for hours.

Death at a Funeral

This is the movie I thought I was renting when I rented the British Death at a Funeral, last year or earlier this year, it’s starting to run together. This version stars Martin and Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan and Danny Glover. And would you believe, TRACY MORGAN is the best part? Everyone else stinks. Chris Rock as the straight man is stilted and boring. Martin as a cad hitting on a teenager, yawn. Even the guy who accidentally takes hallucinogens and starts tripping is lame and boring. Definitely see the British version instead.

Repo Men

This is one of those set in the future sci fi adventures that I hate so much. And seriously, why doesn’t Jude Law just shave his head or wear a wig instead of us making us watch his hairline recede in slow motion movie after god awful movie? Ah, but enough snark, how about a plot. So… um… they have invented artificial organs to make up for the shortage in organ donations. Naturally, such organs are expensive, so people need to take out loans to pay for them. But the bad loan company is evil and charges them interest and so now they have to pay for the organs AND the privilege of borrowing money. And when they fall behind, the bad mean company sends out men to repossess (that word has A LOT of esses in it) the organs. Jude Law’s wife doesn’t like what he’s doing so she wants him to quit, but his partner refuses to let him go and rigs and\ accident that costs Jude Law his heart. So now HE must take out a loan for an artificial heart! Then I think Jude Law falls in love with a woman who has so many artificial limbs and organs that she’s mostly machine. I dunno. This movie is wretched. Booo.

Youth In Revolt

Man, I hate Michael Cera. I’ve been watching old Arrested Developments and my only regret about that series is that it made him famous. And now he is unleashed unto the world making crap movies like this dung heap. He’s a kid in love with a girl who is way too hot for him. And so he conjures up an alter ego who does bad things to make him seem more rebel than dweeb. And then she falls for him, but now he has to go to prison. The only one that’s funny is Michael Cera’s mom. But she’s also a whore. Blah. Snooze.

The Runaways

Yeah, because what I really want is to see little Dakota Fanning as a coke whore. Sigh. I’m not into this kind of music and I’d never heard of Cherie Whatever or her Girlettes before, so maybe I’m not the movie’s target audience. But as a biopic, it’s merely okay. I actually empathized most with the manager and felt like I was supposed to be siding with the girls…right? The chick from the Twilight movies was as single dimensional and vacuous as she is in those movies. I used to think it was the character Bella, but now, I see it’s the actress. If you can’t make Joan Jett in the 60s exciting, you fail at life.

Green Zone

Oh man, yet another terrible movie. I don’t know why they say this is part of the Bourne series, it’s not. Damon plays a regular old marine, who is navigating the fine line of a “friendly occupation.” The movie is basically about whether he can trust this Iraqi dude as they search Baghdad for the bad guys in Sadaam’s administration. In the end, he can’t. No, he can. Wait, no, he can’t. Oh…maybe…YESS HE CAN! Aw…lemon. Nope. I’m not kidding. That’s how the movie goes.

Kick-ass

THIS MOVIE KICKED ASS! I can’t begin to tell you how much I feared this movie was gonna blow chunks. But, no, instead it BLOWS YOUR MIND! The premise is that this nerd boy decides to dress up like a superhero and see if he can make a difference. He can’t, he gets his ass kicked. (“They shouldn’t call him kick-ass, they should call him ass kicked” – Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy.) But he inspires this father and daughter team to do the same thing and they are ARMED! And then he spawns a nemesis, a Richie rich kid who is trying to win his father’s affection. MAN, this movie is GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!

Clash of Titans

I liked this flick a lot. I’m totally into mythology and that’s what this movie deals with. The demigod son of Zeus trying to save makind from Hades’ power grab. There are cool monsters (“Release the Krakken!”) And neat fight scenes, the story isn’t totally predictable and the end is surprisingly satisfying.

Extraordinary Measures

Um…Brendan Fraser plays a dad of two kids dying of some weird children’s disease. Harrison Ford is the aloof scientist who has a cure in theory but is too anti-social and poor to test it on human subjects. Um…it’s supposed to be one of those “tug at your heart strings” movies. But, I didn’t feel a single tug. I dunno, I just didn’t care. Maybe they shoulda gotten cuter kids. (Oh snap! No she didn’t.) Or maybe Brendan Fraser and Kerri Russell are just too annoying…yeah, that was probably it. The kids were plenty cute. (Save!)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

UGH. SKIP. SKIP. SKIP. I think this is a beloved children’s book series? I don’t know, I don’t have kids, but this movie strings together every dumb cliché about being yourself and sticking up for your friends from every live action kids movie since the beginning of time, yet still comes out with a stinker. The main kid is trying to be cool, so he ditches his chubby elementary school best friend, but then still isn’t cool and the chubby kid becomes cool and then they have to eat some cheese off the floor… blech. Boooo double booo!

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

I rented this movie in my never ending quest to see all of Johnny Depp’s movies. He isn’t in it very long though, and then I realized this was the famous “last Heath Ledger” movie. It’s okay. It’s got Jude Law’s receding hairline in it too… um… the premise is weird. It’s all about magic and the devil and the dreamworld, meh. If you are trying to see every Johnny Depp movie, then definitely rent it!

The Spy Next Door

So, if I say that “Jackie Chan is the romantic lead,” is that enough to tell you to run, run very far and very fast away from this movie? Cause if it’s not, you need your head examined.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Ooh, ooh I get to give my pretentious “the book was better” line on this one! Well, it would be pretentious, if the book wasn’t basically beach lit that everyone and their mama is reading right now. Oh, but what if I add “the book was better, but the other two in the trilogy are infinitely better,” that is TOTALLY pretentious! Woo! Suck on that! Where was I? Right…the movie. It’s basically a murder thriller. An old man is dying and before he goes he wants to find out what happened to his granddaughter fifty years ago when she disappeared from the island. The movie is in Swedish, with subtitles. It’s very dark and grainy. I highly support the upcoming remake with Daniel Craig…they could have done more. The movie glosses over some stuff way too quickly, though, it’s still fairly long. Not a good combo.

Dirty Work

Very random comedy…where Norm McDonald runs a revenge for hire business (incidentally, I could SO run a revenge for hire business!) Hinjinx ensue. It’s funny in parts… not anywhere close to Dodgeballs funny, but decent. And short, so there’s that.

The Last Song

Well, I will say two things about this movie. First: I rented it because Miley Cyrus was in it. I like her. Second: I did not know it was a fracking Nicholas Sparks movie. However, at the movie’s end, I did not feel violent towards anyone involved. I cannot say that about the last two Sparks movies that I saw. It’s a pretty standard “family movie.” You know, bad NYC teen’s mom ships her off to her dad’s house in…um…somewhere else that’s not NYC where people talk funny and life moves slower. She learns to love again. Or gets self esteem. I dunno…whatever the point those movies always try to make, this one tries to make as well.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

I didn’t know what to expect from this movie at all. Not sure why I picked it up. But I’m glad I did, it was a quirky, not annoying period piece. The plot is something like a homeless woman in pre world war 2 England pretends to be a hotshot publicist and gets a fancy job for an actress. She comes to realize that she’s not the only one pretending to be what she’s not.

City Island

This movie is TOTALLY not what I was expecting. It’s about a family in the Bronx. And everyone is keeping secrets, but then the secrets come out and boy are they dumb secrets like “I don’t want to be a prison guard, I want to act!” Oh, well, and “oh, this is my son that I had with some whore before I married you.” And “I’m a stripper, dad.” But other than those, the secrets are way dumb.

Harry Brown

BLECH. I saw this movie when it was Gran Torino and the I hated it then too.

Grand Canyon

At first, I thought I hated this movie. It’s one of those vignette style pieces set in LA where the white people run into the black people by some unfortunate happenstance but then interact: think Crash. Except this movie starts to make fun of itself for being that and then I didn’t hate it. That this movie was made way before Crash and didn’t win an Oscar, pisses me off. It’s great! And the writing is great…though the ending is weird.

MOVIES I SAW A LONG LONG TIME AGO, BUT SAW AGAIN CAUSE I SIGNED UP FOR NETFLIX MONTH-LONG FREE TRIAL.

Shut it. Do I come to your blogs and judge you?

Big

I had a big debate with my coworkers about whether Tom Hanks has sex with the Weeds lady in the movie. My argument was absolutely NOT this is a kid’s movie and that would make her a pedophile! I was wrong. So, very very sadly ewwww, grossly wrong. Aside from the pedophilia, the movie stands up as the cute fun story that I remember.

Jaws

This movie does not stand the test of time AT ALL! Except for the first ten or so minutes when the dumb blond girl gets eaten, this movie is not scary for even a second. Well, okay, and maybe at the end when the captain gets eaten. But really, it’s just a lot of old men yakking away. Snooze job! And why did I think that Jaws was like a super shark science experiment that went wrong? Nope. He’s he’s a regular old shark. ZZZZZZ

Beetlejuice

STOP IT! I see you saying it three times in your head. Jerks! Um… I liked this movie more when I was a kid, it’s kind of uneven, but I still liked it today. And I was singing “shake shake shake zanora” for the rest of the day, so, you know, there’s that.

FYI (Is it inane comment Friday yet?)

Thursday, September 9th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

Mary and I are doing a race around Denver. I will be on a segway, she will be on a bike.

We are filming it and submitting it as our audition tape for the Amazing race. However, neither of us has ever seen the Amazing Race, so will we also need to throw in a food fight or something?

Gratitude

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010 by Dawn Summers

I guess you can blame my Catholic education, but I am something of a Nazi about justice. Hmm…I should probably rephrase that sentence.

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, injustice anywhere is a something something to justice everywhere. Hmm…I should probably google the precise wording of that quote.

(Raise your hand if you can tell that I totally forgot about Poetry Wednesday and I am very tired because I was tossing and turning all night because my braids are too tight? Put your hands down, jerkwads.)

*clears throat*

So, justice and me are, and always have been superfriends. And not just the whole eye for an eye thing, though I do stand by that, but a deeply ingrained sense of if someone is kind to you, you should be kind back. If someone needs help and you can help, you should. If you see something, say something. Someone is picking on your little cousin, they might have to meet with an unfortunate accident in the stairwell. I didn’t know about the concept of karma, then, but if I did, I would have probably gotten a tattoo which said “I am the karma I want to see in the world.”

Again, if I knew about karma. Oh, and if my mom wouldn’t have kicked my ass for getting a tattoo.

But the one aspect of living this karmic life that I always struggled with was gratitude. I could try to “pay my debts,” such as they were – but there are times when others just do things for you and you just aren’t in a position to “repay them,” so you’re just supposed to be grateful. Tell them you appreciate it. Man, I hated that! It feels so weak and humbling…but maybe, there’s some unsung strength in that…being able to accept help, being grateful at how someone improves your life. Or not.

But this poem made me think about that. And I figured I’d share. You’re welcome.

Those Winter Sundays

by Robert Hayden

Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he’d call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love’s austere and lonely offices?

Oh, this might also be a fine time to thank all my poetry Wednesday guest bloggers, Petitedov, Pearatty, Angela, Tae, Alceste, Mary, Vinnay, Fisch, Astin, Tito, Kaz, I truly sincerely thank you all for volunteering, all free-willed like, and sharing your favorite poems.

And Pearatty, I hope you have gotten closure.

Vinnay has volunteered to do another one next week, and I extend that invitation to any of you to repeat guest blog. And anyone who hasn’t done one yet, but would like to, just leave me a comment and I will assign you a Tuesday!