Clareified

Where does the good go

August End

And we’re hitting August up just under the wire! I have seen a lot of movies this month. However, I’ll only write up about half of them lest I break filmchaw. Yeah, this is only half of the movies I’ve watched in the last 30 days…what of it? I’ll fight you.

The Love Guru

This movie is all about the Toronto Maple Leafs! Which, as we all know from @astinto, is actually a real hockey team! So the movie is about the star of the Toronto Maple Leafs – a black guy – having a meltdown on the eve of the Stanley Cup Finals (like the Superbowl in the NFL, except dragged out for a whole bunch of games) because his wife is sleeping with the well endowed goalie on the opposing team. In order to heal his heartbreak, so the Leafs can win the cup, the owner of the team, Jessica Alba, hire a Love Guru from India – Michael…um…shoot…oh Myers! He also has a cameo as Michael Myers, Toronto Maple Leafs fan, late in the movie. There is elephant sex. On ice.

$5 a day

Quirky father/son roadtrip movie. It stars Christopher Walken, so it’s kinda creepy too. He’s the dad. He’s dying and looking for forgiveness from the son he framed for grand theft auto five years prior. The title refers to how much he spends on living expenses. Everything else he grifts, steals or wins from radio show trivia games. There’s no need to rent this movie, but if you happen to find yourself in a closed space and it’s playing on a big screen somewhere, there is no need to stab yourself in the face.

The Killer Inside Me

No shade, but I pretty much think Casey Affleck really is a serial killer. I would prove it, but I fear as I got too close, he would add me to his collection. What? His face is way too…like angelic! Anyway, this movie pretty much confirms my fears. He kills. A lot. And the whole time he’s all “aw, shucks, ma’am, did I spill your blood all over your pretty bed sheets? My apologies.” DUDE! Um. I guess this is a good movie, I like Goldie Hawn’s daughter and even Jessica Alba didn’t make me hurl. But part of what happens when you have a boy next door murderer story is that you try to keep everything calm and serene, so yeah, it’s gory, but also a bit boring.

The September Issue

Yarf. A documentary about a fashion magazine! Double yarf. I rented it because I thought they were going to uncover the real truth about Vogue or Vanity Fair or whatever magazine this was about. That truth being that Satan is really the Editor in Chief and the architect of what passes for women’s fashion. But no. This thing takes itself and fashion totes seriously. Blah. There’s even a part where the cameraman for the documentary gets a part as a model in the magazine. And then the head editor in chief lady calls him fat and asks for it to be “touched up.” Okay. That part was funny. I also hated the head lady’s smug daughter. Who, is all “nah, I’m going to be a lawyer even though my mom keeps saying I should be the Managing Editor of this magazine.” Screw you, Princess. Yup. Dawn is a hater.

Brooklyn’s Finest

Have you seen The Departed? Did you wonder how that movie would be with B celebrity actors and more black people? Then run right out and get you some of this. Seriously. It’s a black Departed. I like black people. I liked The Departed, I liked Brooklyn’s Finest.

The Young Victoria

I was a bit sloshed when I saw this. So…um…it’s about a Princess and then her uncle dies, so she becomes a Queen…and then she marries her cousin and they have a lot of kids off-screen and then he dies. Oh and someone shoots at her. Pretty much if you’re tired of movies about Elizabeth, but you like movies about royals, then this flick is for you.

When In Rome

Why does Veronica Mars keep making terrible movies? Why? It’s like she is the modern-day Sarah Michelle Gellar: boss TV actress, crapola movie star. Um. The premise: Veronica Mars goes to Italy for her younger sister’s wedding, meets a man, frolicks in a magic fountain. Hilarity ensues. Well, minus the hilarity. It is predictable from the opening scene to the closing dance montage. God, it isn’t even a good “chick flick” so far as those go. Blech.

Shutter Island

THIS. MOVIE. WAS. AMAZING! So you think you know, but NOPE YOU HAVE NO IDEA! Just great! Even the brain tumor guy with his speech impediment was good. And Leo, well, Leo was in top form, his best outing since The Departed. I don’t want to ruin anything, but basically, it’s about a crime that happens on an island for the criminally insane. You can try to pay attention to every little detail along the way, you still won’t figure out the twist! Great flick!

From Paris with Love

And then on the other side of the spectrum, we have this dungpile of dog poop. Awful. Just awful. John Travolta plays a super spy who comes to Paris looking for a terrorist cell. He is assigned a young intern guy and it just so happens that the intern’s girlfriend is in the cell! Wretched. Just vile. Lots of explosions, sadly none of them destroy this DVD. And believe you me, I would have happily sacrificed my DVD player if this thing self destructed. Dude, they stop to play chess on an active runway! ARRGGGHHHH

The Back-up Plan

Ok, now this is a chick flick – but it’s a good chick flick. I mean, wholly implausible boy meets girl fall madly in love even though she’s expecting stuff…but that’s understood from the phrase “chick flick.” J Lo is actually charming. I also like the fat black guy from Law & Order’s last season.

Dear John

Aaaandd we’re back to awful. I owed Nicholas Sparks a kick in the shin for The Notebook, now I also owe him a knee to the groin. Dreck. Oh, premise? Um. Guy on military leave meets this girl, they fall in love and write letters back and forth, until she dumps him to get engaged. TO HER DAD’S DYING FRIEND WITH AN AUSTISTIC SON. Eyeroll. Oh, the girl also doesn’t drink. Whatever.

Happy Endings

Soo…this movie is weird. But good weird. It employs many of the techniques found in terrible movies like omniscient narration and flash backs and vignettes style storytelling, but it is not a terrible movie. It’s quite good. I love Lisa Kudrow in it. It’s about an unorthodox family. There’s some weird abortion stuff, but all in all, I liked it. Definite recommend.

Our Family Wedding

This movie was hilarious. To me. Here’s why I qualify that: the movie is about an interracial couple: The Ugly Betty girl and a black guy, who are getting married. Now, the black father is a rich celebrity, the Mexican parents are working class joes. So all the offensive, stereotypes are about the Mexicans. I mean offensive. But since I’m not Mexican, I thought it was funny. O_O What?

The Greatest

Why did I rent this movie? I do not know. It had that British guy on the box. You know the one, he was Remington Steele and then everyone was like he should be James Bond! And then he was, but now he’s not. Well, so he’s a dad in this and he’s married to Susan Sarandon and their oldest son dies. But before he died he impregnated this girl and so she comes to live with the couple and the youngest son (now only child.) I suppose it’s an interesting peek into grief. Susan Sarandon is pissed off that she is getting a grandchild because now people won’t feel quite so sorry for her about losing her son. Remington Steele doesn’t want to talk about the dead kid and throws himself into prenatal caring for the preggo girl. Meh, it’s okay.

Saint John of Las Vegas

Wow, I really am unintentionally doing a “good/bad/good/bad” style review today cause this one is most definitely ABSOLUTELY BELCH AWFUL! I just invented that phrase. Belch Awful TM. It stars Steve Buscemi, who I usually love. Also Sarah Silverman who can be hit or miss and the black guy who used to sell Nancy Weed in Weeds. It’s supposed to be a modern-day Dante’s Inferno, with Las Vegas in the place of hell. I didn’t know that going in. I just saw Steve Buscemi, Las Vegas and chips on the box and figured it was about poker. It wasn’t. Boo. The best part of the movie is the Harold from Harold and Kumar setting himself on fire repeatedly. But I think it was mostly envy.

The Ghost Writer

Hey! It’s the James Bond guy again! But now he’s playing Tony Blair…or a guy that looks and talks EXACTLY *like* Tony Blair…let’s call him Bony Tlair? Anyway, he’s all a private citizen now, trying to write his memoirs, but his ghost writer has killed himself. So he hires a new one and we discover that maybe it wasn’t suicide after all! And when the new ghost writer finds out the secret the old ghost writer uncovered, his life may be in danger as well! Dum dum dum. The movie has like 15 really suspenseful minutes, unfortunately, it’s almost two hours long. So, um, I dunno, rent it on a plane maybe.

Home for the Holidays

It’s Robert Downey Jr. and Dylan McDermott! When they were young! I kept pausing the movie and taking pictures of the screen with my Droid X. Wanna see them? ? What do you mean what was the movie about? I have pictures. Of a young Robert Downey Jr. AND Dylan McDermott on MY PHONE! Haters.

Read more

2 Responses to “August End”

  1. Pearatty Says:

    Read more? Holy crap, there’s more?

  2. Dawn Summers Says:

    Not much more, but yes, more.

Leave a Reply